Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do I do? DC is a result of an affair.

426 replies

ninenicknames · 13/04/2017 09:05

Backstory.

I had a child 4 years ago. Father never involved. Not on the BC. DNA test done and its 99.9% he is the Father (can't get more accurate)

He does pay. Minimal amount, but without fail it does help. It's secret how he pays, via a 3rd Party for the reason below.

We don't have contact & he has never asked to see DC - the occasional text of "hi how are you?"

Here is the catch. He's married. Please don't judge me, it was a silly time in my life and no one got hurt but yes, I have an amazing child from this, I've never asked for anything. Certainly under NO circumstances would I have compromised his situation. As I say zero contact. It was a lust affair. Equally not proud of this.

So .... I get a random email, stating how under pressure he is, how he is trying to survive, and "people" have torn him apart re "our situation" but he'd like to meet up, we don't even speak so I'm not even sure who would rip him apart.

Normally I would be very much don't worry, as you know there is no pressure from me, I don't expect anything for obvious reasons.

But today I am royally fucked off, how does he think I survive EVERY single day on my own with a young child, I work full time,DC is cared for, loved, my family are amazing.

But I've had enough of these random texts/emails of how hard done by he is!

He is extremely wealthy. He could pay me a hell of a lot more but I never wanted to cause any issues.

So my AIBU is ... I've had enough of being nice, I feel right now that I want to take him to court for more money.

However, would I be UR to do that?

He is a pig.

Do I just ignore him and carry on in our lovely world? Do as I've always said and not compromise his situation?

I'm just angry today 😡

For the record I have NO issue with him seeing DC, that's his Father and no child should be denied that just because I feel like I do.

My head is saying just ignore and carry on as we are. But I'm annoyed he feels so hard done by.

OP posts:
TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 13/04/2017 10:55

gamma did you also miss the bit where the wife was the other woman? That must make your moral compass spin..

ToastyFingers · 13/04/2017 10:56

Eurgh, his current wife is a different OW?

You're all grim, and when you're kids grow up, they'll ask. Will you lie?

EweAreHere · 13/04/2017 10:57

I would take legal advice. You both had the affair, but you are the one doing ALL the work raising the child and listening to his random grief about it. What the hell is he on about? You did everything to protect HIM while you carry on as a single parent with a child who will have questions...

You will want to make sure your DC is getting what he is entitled to from his father, alive or dead.

What happens if he stops paying? How long will it take to make it 'formal' and re-start payments? Is he getting what he is entitled to, to meet all the needs of a growing child?

What happens if he dies? Will he inherit? Continue to be looked after?

Howmuch3 · 13/04/2017 10:57

OP you are minimising your role in this by constantly mentioning he's a bastard. We know that, but so are you. You need to fully (without deflecting) accept the role you've played in your child's current circumstances. Both the good and bad. Sounds like you are doing great as a single mum.

In terms of money. I would be weary of taking him through a formal route tbh. If he is rich/wealthy, he will have means of avoiding ANY payment at all. And as this will make the affair public , he will be bitter and want to hurt you. You may well end up losing everything. He doesn't sound like a nice bloke that would care otherwise. It's your decision but I think you need to consider the fact that you are highly likely to lose all the money. Also, if he is a public figure, you could well end up being labelled a 'tart' or 'homewrecker', whilst he walks away unscathed. I have seen this happen.

Someone mentioned including DC in his will. You can't really force someone to do that. He could do it to shut you up and then remove him the next day. He could do that with any of his children.

Honestly if you don't need extra money , just let it be. You can try to ask him (via text) but don't push for formal stuff. I fear you will be the one to suffer most.

kathkim · 13/04/2017 10:59

In Scotland, children are entitled to a third of the moveable estate.

kathkim · 13/04/2017 11:00

In Scotland children cannot be written out of that inheritance I think.

Laiste · 13/04/2017 11:00

gammaraystar - I think you've made your bed. You are an arsehole and deserve to be treated as such. That poor women, being lied to all these years while you take money off her bastard husband for your child. He is obviously number 1 at fault, you are not far behind though.

I would change ''while you take money off her bastard husband for your child'' to ''while her bastard of a husband pays money towards a secret child''.

Msqueen33 · 13/04/2017 11:02

Oh god @gammaraystar you're back. I remember you from the DIL thread and how cold you were then. Pleasant as always.

I'd hear him out and see what he has to say. Do not go back into an affair with him.

Astro55 · 13/04/2017 11:03

OP I've learnt there are two types of people - those who lay balme
And those who see the situation and move forward to resolve it.

Those who lay balme will never move forward

Laiste · 13/04/2017 11:04

''If he is rich/wealthy, he will have means of avoiding ANY payment at all. And as this will make the affair public ''

Not necessarily. He wont want the threat of OP making it public if he wont do the decent thing and give the stability of a formal arrangement. CSA payments aren't 'public'.

But this is all conjecture anway.

Laiste · 13/04/2017 11:07

Msqueen33 - Oh god @gammaraystar you're back. I remember you from the DIL thread

Oh yes! i thought i recognised the name from a recent thread!

(sorry i seem to keep c&p'ing everyone this morn)

babyboomersrock · 13/04/2017 11:10

I think you've made your bed. You are an arsehole and deserve to be treated as such. That poor women, being lied to all these years while you take money off her bastard husband for your child

My, such venom.

You sure you're addressing OP here? Or, like so many posters, you've been in the wife's situation yourself?

Calling OP an arsehole may feel cathartic but you do not know her - having an affair isn't wonderful but I'm amazed at the lack of empathy on here.

I'm old enough to know that life isn't that simple; we all fall short of our own standards at times. One stupid decision; one moment of weakness, and lives are changed for ever - but as always, the woman's life is the one most affected - and yet posters can't wait to leap on her for her transgressions.

How can we accuse OP of being a terrible human being when we can't even control our own anger and language towards her - a woman none of us knows?

OP, it's likely that the 3rd person has chivvied him about the money/lack of contact - you say he's wealthy (which could mean anything) but if he has 3 families to support already, there may not be much left. In your position, I'd leave well alone. He sounds feckless and unreliable - do you want your little boy to spend time alone with him and any of his future partners? Will that increase your dc's sense of belonging and security?

As for those who talk about your dc as some sort of dirty little secret - no he isn't. He has a loving family and a good life - it's not always an advantage to be acknowledged by some man who happened to impregnate one's mother. I wouldn't give this man any opportunity to get back into your life, to be honest - your life sounds good and your boy is happy. Having a father around isn't the be-all and end-all that some people think it is.

Howmuch3 · 13/04/2017 11:10

Op said she wants to take him to court - the wife will know. She may even know if through CSA. Anyway OP, it's your gamble. If I wanted to 'minimise damage' I would ask for the money via text but not take him to court. Or atleast explain you don't want his winging texts , seeing as that's what triggered all this. That's what I would do. but I have a stronger moral compass anyway

UppityHumpty · 13/04/2017 11:11

Once a cheater always a cheater. He's probably shagged a lot of women and part of me strongly believes his current wife deserves to know if only because she was the OW with his prev wife, and so deserves everything she gets and then some. Do right by your DS, take him to the cleaners if you have to.

LouBlue1507 · 13/04/2017 11:11

You had an affair with a wealthy married man and somehow ended up pregnant? Hmm Now you want more money Hmm

You come across as a gold digger to me sorry!

NotMyPenguin · 13/04/2017 11:12

I'm sorry you're getting such a hard time here, OP.

Your DC deserves financial support from his father, and given that he doesn't see either of you anyway you wouldn't be losing anything by going through the official channels -- the CMS will be able to find out his salary and establish what he should be paying. It's safer for your DC.

Also, bringing it out in the open may actually make it easer for the father to see your DC, if he wants to.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 13/04/2017 11:14

Not especially nice to his wife, were you?

Neither was he.

BaggyCheeks · 13/04/2017 11:16

babyboomersrock Absolutely.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 13/04/2017 11:21

OP. I think. You need to consider your DC in all of this. If wanting more money from him is going to make it public and blow it all out the water, can you cope with the fallout? Because it'll only be you that gets blamed as the OW. He will come up with the same excuse of 'I tripped and fell into her'. I think you need to consider if it will all be worth it.

I get why you're angry. But money isn't all a child needs.
If you still feel he should be providing more can you go through the CSA or whatever it's called now, through his 3rd party or whatever he's using to tuck his secrets away.

shinynewusername · 13/04/2017 11:23

so that's OK then? people who aren't in relationships themselves can get into relationships with married people and not have to take responsibility for that?

Women are not responsible for where men put their cocks.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 13/04/2017 11:26

OP you are minimising your role in this by constantly mentioning he's a bastard. We know that, but so are you

As someone who's Ex had an affair, with someone I know rather well, (she was a guest at our wedding!!) that is completely uncalled for. Confused
OP made a mistake. The man was the one in a marriage and should have known better.

By the sounds of it, he's had several conquests and if I had any to start with, I'd put money on the fact this probably isn't the only secret child he's sired.

LilQueenie · 13/04/2017 11:27

Women are not responsible for where men put their cocks.

erm they could say no.

PollyPerky · 13/04/2017 11:27

Women are not responsible for where men put their cocks

Of course they are!.

If they are putting them inside them and they (the man) is already married, a woman can always say 'no'!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/04/2017 11:27

If the money you're getting from him is sufficient for your needs, then leave it.
I get why you're angry but since you're not tempted to let him have his way, then again, leave it.
Just tell him that you're not available to him in that way ever again, but he's always welcome to meet his DS if he wants to; but that would be the only contact with him that you would consider.

If, on the other hand, you DO need more money from him, then tell him so.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 13/04/2017 11:30

A woman can always say 'no'

Of course they can.

Equally, even if offered it on a plate, the man can always say "no thanks. I'm married".

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread