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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do I do? DC is a result of an affair.

426 replies

ninenicknames · 13/04/2017 09:05

Backstory.

I had a child 4 years ago. Father never involved. Not on the BC. DNA test done and its 99.9% he is the Father (can't get more accurate)

He does pay. Minimal amount, but without fail it does help. It's secret how he pays, via a 3rd Party for the reason below.

We don't have contact & he has never asked to see DC - the occasional text of "hi how are you?"

Here is the catch. He's married. Please don't judge me, it was a silly time in my life and no one got hurt but yes, I have an amazing child from this, I've never asked for anything. Certainly under NO circumstances would I have compromised his situation. As I say zero contact. It was a lust affair. Equally not proud of this.

So .... I get a random email, stating how under pressure he is, how he is trying to survive, and "people" have torn him apart re "our situation" but he'd like to meet up, we don't even speak so I'm not even sure who would rip him apart.

Normally I would be very much don't worry, as you know there is no pressure from me, I don't expect anything for obvious reasons.

But today I am royally fucked off, how does he think I survive EVERY single day on my own with a young child, I work full time,DC is cared for, loved, my family are amazing.

But I've had enough of these random texts/emails of how hard done by he is!

He is extremely wealthy. He could pay me a hell of a lot more but I never wanted to cause any issues.

So my AIBU is ... I've had enough of being nice, I feel right now that I want to take him to court for more money.

However, would I be UR to do that?

He is a pig.

Do I just ignore him and carry on in our lovely world? Do as I've always said and not compromise his situation?

I'm just angry today 😡

For the record I have NO issue with him seeing DC, that's his Father and no child should be denied that just because I feel like I do.

My head is saying just ignore and carry on as we are. But I'm annoyed he feels so hard done by.

OP posts:
Amy64321 · 13/04/2017 09:46

Take him to court and stop keeping your child his dls, was this the wife he was with when the child was conceived?

If yes then you really haven't minimised damage, you have just swept it under the carpet which is worse, his wife deserves to know so she can make informed decisions, if he is a serial cheater chances are this will be the straw that breaks the camels back and give her the kick up the arse she needs to leave.
If not then no harm really done to his current wife as they weren't together.

I see no other option, you know sleeping with a married man is wrong but at least allow everyone involved to know the truth.

needsahalo · 13/04/2017 09:47

is he a very high earner?

I can't remember the threshold but it's something like £2000 or more a week and the CMS can't deal with it and it needs to go to the courts. If he earns less than that, you can't use the courts, the CMS has jurisdiction. Have a look on their website.

HerOtherHalf · 13/04/2017 09:47

Regardless of how he came to be, your child has a legal and moral right to financial support from his father.

londonrach · 13/04/2017 09:50

Op unless you married..theres only one person who had an affair here and thats him. Dc is the innocent in this. Right back to money..do this official and that includes contact with dc. Ignore moany text.

LadyPW · 13/04/2017 09:50

so that's OK then? people who aren't in relationships themselves can get into relationships with married people and not have to take responsibility for that?
Glad I'm not the only one who thinks that the other woman / man has a responsibility too.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/04/2017 09:50

Personally I wouldn't care about his feelings. But the money. Your ds is being treated like the pauper dirty little secret and you the 19th century maid hushed up with a minimal amount of cash and swept under the carpet. Only to contact you unless he's struggling or fancies a shag. You know this guy. If you have to see him to get more money, that's what I'd do. And if that doesn't work, there is the CMS.

Laiste · 13/04/2017 09:53

Thinking more about it - yes, meet up and let him speak.

If all he's angling for is a shag kick that out the window and tell him you're glad you met up as you'd like to arrange to make his payments a formal fixture through the CSA from now on. Possibly up the amount a bit. You're sure he wont mind as it's for DS's good.

MammaTJ · 13/04/2017 09:54

His wife became his wife as a result of being in an affair with him herself, she already knows he is a cheat!

I think you should, for your childs sake, put this on a more formal footing. He could drop dead, change his mind about paying, have another affair and end his marriage, anything that could affect you and your child!

pilates · 13/04/2017 09:58

Op, I would go and get some legal advice. I think your son has a right to know the truth and be properly looked after. Also, if it all comes out in the open, he will then be able to have a proper relationship with his father. As a pp mentioned, if something happens to DS's father, you could end up with nothing. I really think you need to be thinking about the future.

lbsjob87 · 13/04/2017 09:59

It's his child, he needs to take responsibility.

I take it to mean that you weren't in a relationship at the time? So, in my book, he had the affair, not you, and he needs to face up to his actions.

But, as others have said, I would only meet him if it's to discuss financial support, not rekindling the relationship, and I personally wouldn't let my child meet him until I was convinced that he wasn't going to sod off again when it all gets a bit boring or awkward. Which may be never.
I know a little boy in a similar situation, met his dad for the first time aged 3, he's now 7, "dad" has stopped turning up for visits because he's got a new girlfriend with kids and "has to spend time with them."
The little boy has gone from being a bubbly little chatterbox to being withdrawn and missing school because he feels sick.

The priority in all this is your son, you need to do what's best for him, whatever it means the adults have to deal with.

GandolfBold · 13/04/2017 10:00

Let him sort his shit out. You don't owe him anything. He has left you with all the hard stuff and only wants to pick you up when it is convenient for him.

And he was the one that took his wedding vows, not you. While its a bit crap you had an affair with a married man, you don't owe his wife anything, he does.

PollyPerky · 13/04/2017 10:01

Hard as it is, you have to take the emotion out of this. There are two issues: your emotions and hard cash.

If he is not paying enough (how much?) you may want to ask for more. But bear in mind that it could make him feel he has more rights to see his child (not logical, I know) and become a bigger part of your life.

Are you ok emotionally with that?

I don't understand where he is coming from. If no one knows about you, him and the child (do they??) what's he talking / moaning about?

If other people DO know, his current family will find out in time. These things always come out in the end.

I think you have to consider your emotional well being and attach some strings to these payments. If he carries on paying and increases the amount, it opens the door to more contact. On the one hand it's his due to pay for his child, but you can't pretend that the other option - not taking the money at all- would set you free from him with the proviso that your child could make contact when they were older and knew the circumstances.

innagazing · 13/04/2017 10:02

I would suggest you try to stay on reasonable terms with him. You're likely to have a lot of explaining to do to your Ds in the not too distant future, and it may be that he wants to meet his father at some stage. The situation is going to get more messy as your ds gets older and more inquisitive.

Circumstances and perspectives often change over time, and I would try to 'keep the door open' in terms of at least continuing to be on speaking terms, for your son's sake.

From your post, it's not clear what is tearing him up? I'd meet with him, for a coffee (without your ds ) to find out what made him contact you etc. Maybe he's aware that ds is getting older now too, and it's more likely to get more complicated. Alternatively, maybe it's genuinely tearing him apart knowing he has another child that he has no contact with?

OfaFrenchmind2 · 13/04/2017 10:02

By all means ask for more money, it is fair because you are shouldering all the costs and have full custody.
But be ready for the possibility of a weekend every month where your child goes to see his father.

LoveDeathPrizes · 13/04/2017 10:03

If it was W#2 then W#3 might still be miffed as she was also having an affair with him at that time.

MaidOfStars · 13/04/2017 10:04

A shitty situation but I do think it might be less of a problem overall if his current wife is not the wife he was with when you and he conceived.

If that's the case, I'd pursue him formally.

MrsMozart · 13/04/2017 10:04

At some point your child is going to ask "Who's my daddy?".

Probably better to get all cleared up now - money, access, etc.

PollyPerky · 13/04/2017 10:04

Not very likely though Of if his wife is in the dark!!!!

FlyingElbows · 13/04/2017 10:04

As others have already said it may be worth seeking proper legal advice. If for no other reason than to establish a formal legal recognition that this man is your son's father in the event that he drops dead! Your stance is very "altruistic" but your son could lose out hugely by being kept a secret.

It's blindingly obvious that your ex is only in contact with you because he fancies a shag though. Be careful that your shamed ow martyr stance doesn't just make you eternally susceptible to his predatory sex shark behaviour. You need to look after you as well as your child.

loulou0987 · 13/04/2017 10:05

was 3rd wife on the scene when you were together? If not surely she cant be giving him shit for having an affair! Be nice to yourself and make sure you are able to support your dc without running yourself ragged, if that means more money then thats what you have to do. 💐

PollyPerky · 13/04/2017 10:10

If he feels torn apart presumably that means it's cos he has no access to his child?

So is the deal more money= more access but nothing with you except handovers on the doorstep?

Whereismumhiding2 · 13/04/2017 10:11

OP
No one should rip you apart. What's done is done, you have a lovely DC , it took two to make DC and only one of you is raising him/her. You have acted kindly so far in not wanting to make any waves. But you'll have more & more expenses, just think college funds etc, to save up for.

This situ is what CMS is for, one of many reasons. Ask him first and then, put claim through if he is trying to weasle out of paying a reasonable amount to support for his child. I'm glad to see you'd be happy for him to have contact if he wanted.

user1491572121 · 13/04/2017 10:11

Of course you ask for more money. He had sex with you without protection. It's partially his reponsibility...to pay for your child I mean.

His wife SHOULD know what's happened.

JustSpeakSense · 13/04/2017 10:12

Firstly, get some proper legal advice about exactly what you are entitled to.

Secondly, meet with him on friendly terms, explain exactly what you require financially from him. (Possibly allow him to meet DC as a 'friend')

If he won't cooperate then go the legal / court route.

It's not about you and him and what's right and wrong anymore. It is purely 100% about your DC and what is best for them.

Notonthestairs · 13/04/2017 10:12

You need to be planning for your childs future - financially and emotionally. So yes you need to pursue your childs proper entitlement.

Not going to comment on the background as frankly its such a mess there doesnt seem much to be gained.

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