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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do I do? DC is a result of an affair.

426 replies

ninenicknames · 13/04/2017 09:05

Backstory.

I had a child 4 years ago. Father never involved. Not on the BC. DNA test done and its 99.9% he is the Father (can't get more accurate)

He does pay. Minimal amount, but without fail it does help. It's secret how he pays, via a 3rd Party for the reason below.

We don't have contact & he has never asked to see DC - the occasional text of "hi how are you?"

Here is the catch. He's married. Please don't judge me, it was a silly time in my life and no one got hurt but yes, I have an amazing child from this, I've never asked for anything. Certainly under NO circumstances would I have compromised his situation. As I say zero contact. It was a lust affair. Equally not proud of this.

So .... I get a random email, stating how under pressure he is, how he is trying to survive, and "people" have torn him apart re "our situation" but he'd like to meet up, we don't even speak so I'm not even sure who would rip him apart.

Normally I would be very much don't worry, as you know there is no pressure from me, I don't expect anything for obvious reasons.

But today I am royally fucked off, how does he think I survive EVERY single day on my own with a young child, I work full time,DC is cared for, loved, my family are amazing.

But I've had enough of these random texts/emails of how hard done by he is!

He is extremely wealthy. He could pay me a hell of a lot more but I never wanted to cause any issues.

So my AIBU is ... I've had enough of being nice, I feel right now that I want to take him to court for more money.

However, would I be UR to do that?

He is a pig.

Do I just ignore him and carry on in our lovely world? Do as I've always said and not compromise his situation?

I'm just angry today 😡

For the record I have NO issue with him seeing DC, that's his Father and no child should be denied that just because I feel like I do.

My head is saying just ignore and carry on as we are. But I'm annoyed he feels so hard done by.

OP posts:
TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 13/04/2017 10:13

I agree with seeing a family law solicitor. Get an idea of what happens to your son if something happens to his father.

I understand santing to keep it very nice and amicable so you cant just tell him to fuck off with the whiney emails. I think all you can do there is ignore those parts and focus on child related parts.

Beadoren · 13/04/2017 10:13

Op, you didn't have an affair, he did. I have to wonder here if those that are roasting op for doing as she pleases are scorned women themselves.

Just to be clear, the father is the one who cheated on his wipe, op owed her nothing. He sounds like a shit anyway and this is obviously a pattern of behaviour. Your DC deserves a relationship with his/her dad. He needs to claim the child financially and emotionally that he created and put that child before his fear of getting torn apart by his family.

If the 3rd wife was an affair surely this can't come as a total surprise. You and your dc deserve not to be a dirty secret. You need to find some empowerment in this situation and fight for what you and your dc deserve. Fuck the fallout with his family, that's not your concern, that's his concern because he is th arsehole who went behind their backs and was irresponsible enough to create a life. Just because that life was created by an affair doesn't mean it is less
Important than his own kids. Nor does it mean that you deserve less support than his wife or ex wives.

SoulAccount · 13/04/2017 10:14

Just be really straight with him.

Reply telling him what you told us: you manage every day as a single parent, you make no demands on him, he pays minimal costs, and his problems are not your concern and you don't want to hear them.

MrsJayy · 13/04/2017 10:20

He has been protected all these years you have protected him out of guilt ofthe affair. these weak and feeble texts is panic and he probably wants to stop paying for his child for whatever reason but that isn't your concern it isn't your job to there there him. What do you want to happen next? personally I would stop contact unless it is to do with your child and go for proper maintenence(sp)

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 13/04/2017 10:21

For all of you saying take him court, take him CSA.

We don't know much he pays, and just because OP says he earns a lot doesn't meab much, no offence!

If you'd ask my sister about my DN father she would say he's rolling in it and pays a pittance. When he isn't rolling in it, he just doesn't support 5 children like my sister so has "spare" money.

He pays £500 a month for my DN, yet my sister feels it should be more. Even though on the CSA calculator he is paying well above.

Astro55 · 13/04/2017 10:22

Beadoren

Makes a lot of sense!

Your child is here and to protect him you need the truth to come out - he needs to step up and pay properly and recognize your son as his own and his family need to know about him - he is entitled the comfort his father can provide

AyeAmarok · 13/04/2017 10:23

I don't see why the married man who cheated on his wife should be able to evade his financial responsibility for the child he created. Being a cheating bastard isn't a mitigating factor in abandoning your child Confused

OP wasn't the one who owed his wife fidelity.

Yes, get the money that your son is entitled to; it's the least you can do. If you don't need it, save it for when you do, or when your DS does (driving lessons, car, flat deposit, whatever).

If that causes him problems, then so fuck, frankly. He should have thought about that before.

ohtheholidays · 13/04/2017 10:23

At first I thought you ment his texts were because he feels torn apart because he wants a relationship with his child,your DC and then I thought well if that's something you were open to and you thought it would be positive for your DC and you then why not.

But now you've said it's because he's a dirty git and he wants to cheat again and expects you to help him then I'm not surprised your so pissed of with him and honestly I'd have a think about what you want to do next,you owe him nothing but he owes your DC and you alot.

Would going through the official channels to get him to pay the correct amount cause more problems for you or not?
Belive me I know it shouldn't but he sounds like a right slippery bastard and they're not known for going down easily.

I won't rip you apart,he was married you weren't,he made vows to his wife you didn't and no it's not great having sex with someone you know is taken but he's alot more culpable when it comes to his wife and his marriage than you are it doesn't sound like he was any kind of angel before you met him.

averythinline · 13/04/2017 10:24

I'm confused what are you angry about- the fact hes a crap dad and not interested in dc?
or the fact he only contacts when he wants a shag?
or because you are keeping someone elses secret for ?? reason..
(not sure why your keeping it a secret your dc will/may want to know when they are older...so you need to work that out or yourself anyway)

any money for dc is nothing to do with shagging its his responsibility to supprt his child - either court/cms - i would suggest talking to a lawyer as you need to think of dc future- its not like you would be asking for maintenance or money for yourself - or is that what you are thinking of

if he only contacts when he wants a shag then thats your choice -it has nothing to do with money for your dc unless you make it so..- if you dont want to shag him just tell him to f off..

his relationship with dc - so far you say hes expressed no interest why should that change?? and if it does then back to lawyer/family court its been years now and any meet up/introduction would be slow

I think you should take some time and work out what your angry about and how you want to deal with it?? but either way would definitely suggest sorting out finances....

Smeaton · 13/04/2017 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AuntieStella · 13/04/2017 10:25

Which of his wives was the one in situ when you had the affair?

Because I'm wondering if that was W2, and W3 knows of the existence of your DC and is the one giving him the hard time?

It might be worth finding out what he wants to say to you (and why now) if you can do this in a way that you can hear, then go away and think about what is best for you and DC. I doubt good decisions would be made if you were bounced into anything on the spot.

VladmirsPoutine · 13/04/2017 10:27

Get more maintenance. If you went through formal routes you'd probably find you're owed a lot more if he's as wealthy as you claim.

Other than that how do you expect to deal with the shit storm when your child wants to trace him? This might all come out in the wash and damage a great deal of people.

user1489179512 · 13/04/2017 10:27

TheSnowFairy

'So my AIBU is ... I've had enough of being nice'

hmm

Not especially nice to his wife, were you?

Indeed. The irony.

Beadoren · 13/04/2017 10:35

Equally at fault? Please don't make me laugh! Op is not the one hurting anybody
She knows/loves. We women love to blame other women for the mistakes of the men who are emotionally invested, potentially because were we in that situation ourselves as the wife (or as I suspect come of the responses are from people who HAVE been the wife) we prefer to split the blame as it takes some away from the cheating husband. She 'led him astray' 'homewrecker' type comments. OP DIDN'T BETRAY ANYONE.

Also, op if it is manageable I think your dc also deserves a relationship with his half siblings. Agree with poster who said let the fallout come as early as possible when you're dc is less aware.

Hopefully everyone involved can put what they personally have to lose/have lost and any bitterness aside to put the children first in all of this.

AdoraBell · 13/04/2017 10:35

Why is he not on the BC?

Don't let him cut the amount he pays, and don't let him wheedle his way back in. Personally I wouldn't meet up. I would be far too busy, what with working and raising the DC, so he could send an email if there is something he wants to discuss.

And I would get his name added to the BC. That is for the child, nothing to do with his situation.

notapizzaeater · 13/04/2017 10:35

What do you want out of this for you and your child ?

GabsAlot · 13/04/2017 10:36

how do u know how much he earns?

whats minimal amount if its 15 precent thats all they can take from him anyway

if its less then tell him u want more

Fairenuff · 13/04/2017 10:37

You say that no-one got hurt but you don't say what you tell your child when they ask about their father.

thatdearoctopus · 13/04/2017 10:39

Well, I'd say that asking him for more money would be a sure-fire way of getting him to leave you alone.

Wallywobbles · 13/04/2017 10:41

My lawyer would tell you to let sleeping dogs lie. Anything that ups potential contact ups potential pain factor.

gammaraystar · 13/04/2017 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 13/04/2017 10:45

The real victim here is the child. He hasn't got a father now and he's basically a secret. How utterly awful for that boy. I would without a doubt chase maintenance from CMS. Your DS has a right to two parents' support if they are both living, which you are. You just now put aside your ex's wishes and do what is right for the child.

Unfortunate about his wife but she's an adult. The children are the people who must always be put first.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 13/04/2017 10:51

gammar but what about the DC? Should they unduly be disadvantaged because of the affair? Absolutely not. The child is entitled to be supported by two parents so she's not "taking money off" the dad. It's what the child is entitled to.

NotReallyMeToday · 13/04/2017 10:53

gammaraystar - and what about the innocent child? Does he deserve to be treated like an arsehole too?

OP - get maintenance properly sorted out for your child's sake. He deserves that at least.

kathkim · 13/04/2017 10:54

it was a silly time in my life and no one got hurt

I feel right now that I want to take him to court for more money

Well, if no-one got hurt back then, I guess that's all about to change?

You need to do what's best for the only innocent party in all this.

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