What do I do? DC is a result of an affair.

[ninenicknames]

Backstory.

I had a child 4 years ago. Father never involved. Not on the BC. DNA test done and its 99.9% he is the Father (can't get more accurate)

He does pay. Minimal amount, but without fail it does help. It's secret how he pays, via a 3rd Party for the reason below.

We don't have contact & he has never asked to see DC - the occasional text of "hi how are you?"

Here is the catch. He's married. Please don't judge me, it was a silly time in my life and no one got hurt but yes, I have an amazing child from this, I've never asked for anything. Certainly under NO circumstances would I have compromised his situation. As I say zero contact. It was a lust affair. Equally not proud of this.

So .... I get a random email, stating how under pressure he is, how he is trying to survive, and "people" have torn him apart re "our situation" but he'd like to meet up, we don't even speak so I'm not even sure who would rip him apart.

Normally I would be very much don't worry, as you know there is no pressure from me, I don't expect anything for obvious reasons.

But today I am royally fucked off, how does he think I survive EVERY single day on my own with a young child, I work full time,DC is cared for, loved, my family are amazing.

But I've had enough of these random texts/emails of how hard done by he is!

He is extremely wealthy. He could pay me a hell of a lot more but I never wanted to cause any issues.

So my AIBU is ... I've had enough of being nice, I feel right now that I want to take him to court for more money.

However, would I be UR to do that?

He is a pig.

Do I just ignore him and carry on in our lovely world? Do as I've always said and not compromise his situation?

I'm just angry today 😡

For the record I have NO issue with him seeing DC, that's his Father and no child should be denied that just because I feel like I do.

My head is saying just ignore and carry on as we are. But I'm annoyed he feels so hard done by.

Women are not responsible for where men put their cocks

Sorry is that a joke? OP and woman like her are bringing up their child singlehanded, working full time and making all the decisions - up all night with an ill child? Etc

How is he being responsible? Throws her a bit of cash and hopes for a (nother) on the side?

She's has been very responsible for her actions - he has NOT

*gammaraystar

I think you've made your bed. You are an arsehole and deserve to be treated as such. That poor women, being lied to all these years while you take money off her bastard husband for your child. He is obviously number 1 at fault, you are not far behind though.

Agree with the above?

Can't this site limit the number of pop-up ads, PLEASE. It is making posting difficult to say the least.

In principle, I don't understand the double standards here. If a woman knows a man is married she ought to keep her hands off him. She isn't some innocent 19th century victim of a cad if she knew he was married.

I am not slagging off the OP. She knows she made a mistake and what's done is done. The flaming she's getting is pointless because what matters is how she moves forward on this.

Lots of good advice including seeing a family lawyer.

What happens to the innocent child though, while OP is being treated like an arsehole?

Women are not responsible for where men put their cocks.

Only if they're raped. This lady wasn't and was ergo as responsible for sitting on that cock, as the man was for sticking it up her. But that's not the point is it? The point here is that the bastard's not supporting his child.

If a woman knows a man is married she ought to keep her hands off him.

Well, given a child has happened as a result of this affair, the married man wasn't exactly fighting her off was he?

Hi OP, I'm not going to flame you.
I think you owe it to your Son, to seek advice and legalise your money matters.
Tell this serial chancer, to jog on, and make it clear, that you do not want any further contact.

The point here is that the bastard's not supporting his child.

Exactly uppity

Firstly and most importantly, it takes two to tango. So this isn't solely your fault, you're doing absolutely amazing, maintaining discretion and looking after your DC, which he refuses to interact with. You deserve a medal.

I would think at some point his partner/wife might find out, she'll be upset, have questions. One statement sums it up, I'm not proud of what we did, but it happened, I've been a single Mum caring for DC, with minimal maintenance. I've done all I could to ensure what happened didn't impact you in a negative way. I needed more money, it's only fair, considering the life DC and I live, compared to his Dad. (So that base is covered!)

I would text the Dad and say that life is difficult on what he currently contributes, you've found out you're entitled to a lot more. If he doesn't want to be part of the child's life, fair enough. Please though can we come to an agreement where I get paid a fair amount, to assist in his DC's upbringing. You're happy for this to continue through a third party. You have no interest in discussing gossip or other people's assertions, your priority is DC and always will be. You are happy to support him should his wife find out, accepting blame and it was a spur of the moment thing that led to a total change of life for you. You do need a fairer figure though to assist with associated costs, if you can't compromise you will have to go through the CSA, which you're sure he'd like to avoid at all costs.

Hopefully he'll reply with so you have a figure in mind. I'll check if there's a calculator you can use with hypothetical sums, so you know what the CSA call reasonable.

These things happen, for me it's annoying that you are seen as the person in the wrong, when he allowed the encounter, brief or long term to happen. You are the person solely in charge of looking after your amazing DC. He needs to be fair and help out a bit more, or you will have to take this further, with the CSA & courts, which it strikes me, if you can do this without that you would.

I don't blame you for one second, wanting what is fair for your family unit. What happened is in the past, you love DC to the moon and back. If others want to have their input, be firm and say the most important person is your son, it's the business of the Father and yourself. If others want to cause issues for him and his wife, that is his problem.

I guess you could go as far to deny anything happened if that's what he wants, but he needs to pair fairly towards the upkeep of the child, that is only fair. So you may be willing to deny any allegations, that's your choice.

It would be disappointing if you considered meeting him for further liaisons, I don't believe you want to do that. If he's implying you meet to revisit the past, be firm and tell him that you have more respect for yourself and his wife. The first liaison changed both your lives dramatically, why would he want to risk further accusations.

Best of luck OP.

I can't believe I'm quoting this, but for me it's a mantra being disabled. So arm yourself with the fact you did what you did, you know it wasn't right, but you have a child that is your sole responsibility. If you arm yourself and strengthen yourself with what people deem to be a weakness, it can't be used against you to cause any harm, as you've accepted their primary assertion anyway. So other people's views are irrelevant, unless it's his family, who wish to engage with your son, that's a further issue you have to think about.

Best of luck

I really think you need to see a solicitor to talk through your options here. Your son needs protecting by some sort of official acknowledgement of parenthood, you ought to be being paid more money for him anyway, and him sniffing round you like this is just shitty.

If you don't want it all to come out but you do want proper maintenance and recognition for your son and for him to leave you alone, then a solicitor may be able to make that happen.

(And it doesn't matter what the parents' circumstances were when this child was conceived. Morally policing the OP is completely pointless. Regardless of any rights and wrongs, the child is both of theirs and they both ought to contribute - the OP has done the lion's share and if the father can't/won't help in person then he should be damn well paying.)

FYI I worked in an industry where this was rife, a colleague ended up having various men chasing after her. We shared an office, a superior instigated that they should do similar to what happened with you. I told her it was her choice, but don't expect to live happily ever after or for him to leave his partner, no matter how much he claims to love you.

If he'll do this to his long term partner, do you think he would be entirely faithful with you? He was the one that put the pressure on for liaisons to occur. What I wasn't fond of was the assertion she was a slag/whore/home wrecker, for engaging in what she did. He proved himself after she left, by doing the same thing again. The girl was all dizzy and 'he says he loves me!' I had to be a bitch and point out it was after a few pints plus during sex. It's hardly the most romantic thing ever, having to have no contact at certain times if he was home.

I don't get why the onus is rarely on the man.

Goodness me there's some vitriol here isn't there.

I think affairs are pretty despicable (on both sides but more on the married person's side) but I don't think that's really relevant now.

The important point is that you have a child and you have to do what is best by your child.

To me that involves (1) speaking to the father to find out what he's proposing re contact. Does he now want contact? If so, is that in your DC's best interests, for example you don't want to introduce them only for the dad to disappear again. (2) Definitely, asking for more money, as much as you are entitled to legally.

If these things can only be done by revealing the affair to whichever wife was cheated on - unfortunate, but so be it. Your duty is to your child. It's not fair on your child to have a lower standard of living, and no father in his life, simply to spare the feelings of a wife who was cheated on.

And yes you can certainly tell him to stop whingeing!

"Dear former lover. I think it is time we formalised your involvement in our DS's life.
I have taken full responsibility for him up to this time, and appreciate the financial support you have given. However, after taking advice it seems prudent to ensure this is continued through CSA going forward as an acknowledgement of your commitment to his wellbeing and to safeguard his future in case of a change in your circumstances - health or otherwise.

I'm sure you understand why there is a need to safeguard DS's future, and that you appreciate that I will continue to give DS the best life possible. All I ask is that you make a formal acknowledgement of him and your responsibilities towards him.
I think these steps will also provide reassurance to DS of the part you have played in his upbringing when the time comes that he starts asking about his father.
If you want to meet DS, or agree regular time with him, please can we do this through formal channels. I don't wish to muddy the waters further by re-establishing any relationship other than shared responsibility towards DS."

If he'll do this to his long term partner, do you think he would be entirely faithful with you?
The OP is not intending to re-kindle her affair.

I don't get why the onus is rarely on the man.
Have you not been on MN long?! It's always the man who gets blamed on here.

Fucking hell. So many bitter women who's husbands have clearly shagged about on them. It's not even relevant to ops situation or useful to chastise her for sleeping with a married man. whats done is done. Suggesting a child with no father or financial support from his father is part of the 'bed' op made to lie in is obscene.

Well, I am of the opinion that parents should be financially responsible for their children, regardless of how they were conceived.

OP I would go via CMS and ensure your child receives the money he should.

Like others have said, you want it in writing that the man will pay 'x' amount every week or month. Contact or communication with the child is on his terms, with no contact or communication taking place.

I don't know what his thoughts are, but maybe consider saying if after the age of 13/16/18 your child wants to know about their Father. You reserve the right to give the child the basic details, reserving the right for the child to initiate communication via an agreed format.

I don't know who my Father is, it's something that even now I find haunting. So many another clause:

I reserve the right should it be necessary for my child to have counselling with a trained specialist, should this be necessary. You believe in such an instance, since 'x' refuses interaction with the child, one session per week for an agreed period may be required at a later date. Costs payable by the child's Father, with/without the necessity of the child's Father, being required to attend a minimum of 'x' sessions if required.

Haha, I'm not bitter, and my husband has never shagged around.

That is because he feels the same way as I do about infidelity.

Definitely ask for more money; at the very least you'll need the extra cash to pay the back-tax + interest and equal amount again in fines, for failing to disclose your additional income to the tax man.

taxaid.org.uk/guides/taxpayers/undeclared-income/180-2

Gazelda's reply is perfect. I'd send him that by email.

Not sure that if he had any health issues which stopped him from working the CSA would stand, it'll be dependent on his income alone.

But the tone is fair and spot on.

Op, i don't think you are being unreasonable. He is the one that was married; you have not "made your bed" i would go through official channels for your own sake & for your dc particularly.
It will come out eventually & it should be while the man in question is still around to take responsibilty for his actions.

Norland, that is untrue. Child maintenance is not taxable (this covers informal payments as well as those made through the CMS).

It has already been taxed when earned by the other parent.