What do I do? DC is a result of an affair.

[ninenicknames]

Backstory.

I had a child 4 years ago. Father never involved. Not on the BC. DNA test done and its 99.9% he is the Father (can't get more accurate)

He does pay. Minimal amount, but without fail it does help. It's secret how he pays, via a 3rd Party for the reason below.

We don't have contact & he has never asked to see DC - the occasional text of "hi how are you?"

Here is the catch. He's married. Please don't judge me, it was a silly time in my life and no one got hurt but yes, I have an amazing child from this, I've never asked for anything. Certainly under NO circumstances would I have compromised his situation. As I say zero contact. It was a lust affair. Equally not proud of this.

So .... I get a random email, stating how under pressure he is, how he is trying to survive, and "people" have torn him apart re "our situation" but he'd like to meet up, we don't even speak so I'm not even sure who would rip him apart.

Normally I would be very much don't worry, as you know there is no pressure from me, I don't expect anything for obvious reasons.

But today I am royally fucked off, how does he think I survive EVERY single day on my own with a young child, I work full time,DC is cared for, loved, my family are amazing.

But I've had enough of these random texts/emails of how hard done by he is!

He is extremely wealthy. He could pay me a hell of a lot more but I never wanted to cause any issues.

So my AIBU is ... I've had enough of being nice, I feel right now that I want to take him to court for more money.

However, would I be UR to do that?

He is a pig.

Do I just ignore him and carry on in our lovely world? Do as I've always said and not compromise his situation?

I'm just angry today 😡

For the record I have NO issue with him seeing DC, that's his Father and no child should be denied that just because I feel like I do.

My head is saying just ignore and carry on as we are. But I'm annoyed he feels so hard done by.

Got as far as page 12 but have to comment. I had an "thing", "affair" with a married man when I was single and I didn't know he was married (they don't normally tell you!!) I sort of guessed in the end and asked him and once he said he was married (only 6 months before he started seeing me) I stopped seeing him but it wasn't easy I had fallen quite heavily. Myself, 2 friends and a my DIL have all been caught out and got pregnant whilst on the pill so not all contraception is failproof. Those that say they are surprised by the "venom" posted by some, surely not, women can be exceptionally cruel especially to other women sadly.

Don't get involved. It is his homework not yours

Happgirl8

It wasn't in the initial op's post but in her further posts. So why don't you get of her case because frankly what are you doing giving your opinion about the OPs morality in first place? This isn't what the thread is about and who are we to be judgmental and throw the first stone on MN of all forums? It never ceases to amaze me. Fortunately lots of very kind, wise and helpful answers from other posters.

Everyone's going to have a different opinions on this, I guess. I'd want to know if myou partner had cheated on me and had a child. I hope his wife finds out. I hope you make him tell her. And yes, he owes you more money. Your bringing up his child. Honesty and responsibility always seem best to me. I hope it works out ok for you all.

Also, I can't believe a poster on here called an actual child, a 'dirty little secret.' Really? Is there any need to speak about any child like that?

i said the op and her sperm donor were treating the child like a dirty little secret.

are you another one lacking in comprehension skills?

@CouldntMakeThisShitUp actually only the scumbag is treating his child like a secret. OPs family and friends are involved in her sons life.

Work out how much you will need for food, clothing, other essentials, college, 5 years of university, deposit on a house or flat, etc. Total it up over all years up to leaving uni taking into account expected inflation. Ask for double. Maybe settle for the original total else try CMS for the total plus any extra inflation.

This whole thing is unsavoury.

Tehe, thank you user

And yes Couldn't another mean spirited, bullshit logic post you made..

OP is looking after her child best she can with friends and family offering support, she sounds happy the support network she has for her and her DC.

OP I'm a single mum too. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job.

I would talk with him and absolutely tell him that you want the money that you are entitled to.

You might want to privately educate your child for example and you never really know what you might need for your dc longer term.

In your shoes I would go for it. Be calm and business like about it.

As for the haters on here, ignore them. Xxx

He sounds like an entitled tosser.

What is your current situation like? Have you got enough money to support your child? If so, I'd tell him that while you have no problem with him having contact with his child, you're not interested in spending any more time with him than you have to. Going to court is not to be taken lightly; it's likely to bring as many problems as it solves. You'll have to try mediation first; they'll only let you go to court if it fails, but if you do go, and don't represent yourself, it'll cost you a lot of money. Thousands. And it sounds like it'll open a few cans of worms as well.

You could go through the CSA or whatever they call themselves now to get more child support. That might open a can or two as well.

Be very careful. If he's wealthy, and a tosser, you might not want to give him the idea that he can use the family court to bully you. It happens.

I was a single mum for 24 years and I was always careful with my children's fathers. #1 loved his child but was useless, erratic with contact and only ever paid for treats, but stepped up when child 1 was a teenager and needed to live with him. #2 and I co-parented, child 2 often spent more time with him than with me, he'd do my washing up and tidy my kitchen if it was a mess when he was there with her, but he didn't work much and never had any money. Sometimes I was furious with both of them but peace and autonomy were more important to me than money. Kids don't need silver spoons, they need love and security.

Sometimes, what works is more important than what's right.

It's not clear to me what any of this means!

'how under pressure he is, how he is trying to survive, and "people" have torn him apart re "our situation" but he'd like to meet up'

Do you mean under emotional or financial pressure? And what do you mean by torn apart?

I would not advise taking him to court if you can help it. His wife is the innocent party and will be badly hurt (or perhaps destroyed) by this. Meet him, find out what he wants and try to come to an agreement about how you want to go forward, financially and in terms of contact between the two of you.

Also, in later life your child WILL want to meet his father and if you have dragged him through court and made the relationship bitter and toxic, it will be much harder for you to come to a civil and responsible agreement for contact.

Basically you have made a mistake and you may have to make some sacrifices in order to protect your child and to avoid more damage to the innocent parties. Try yo make this best of the current arrangement.

Court should be the last resort

OP your child will sooner or later want to meet his father for a variety of reasons.
He also deserves to have the maximum money CSA consider appropriate, not the minimum you've had for 4 years.
Unless it's changed one Western Europea country has a law that a child born outside wedlock has the right to be supported financially by the father to the same level as a child born in a marriage would be.
I'm wondering how many people know about your son's parentage besides you, his father and the 3rd party. Is the 3rd party someone who'd 'rip him apart'? I don't imagine it's any of your family or close friends.

OP - please don't be too hurt by some of the vitriolic comments on here. What happened 4 years ago is done and there is nothing to be gained be arguing the 'blame' case. You have clearly behaved in a dignified and responsible way since then and well done you for giving your DS a secure and happy life.
Just deal with the practicalities. If you can bear it, I'd say meet up for a coffee and try and find out more information - is it that he just wants a quick shag? Is it that he is thinking of reducing / stopping payments? Does he just want to moan?

As many others have said, you are not the one being a gold digger - you are coping perfectly well without extra money and not complaining about it. However, you are acting on your DS's behalf.
The first thing you need to do is estimate approximately how much he should be paying. You can get a rough idea from using the calculator on this website
www.cmoptions.org/en/calculator/
If the amount your DS is entitled to is similar to the amount your DS is getting, then it may be worth letting sleeping dogs lie in everyone's interest. If it is significantly less, then ask him to increase the payments accordingly. If he agrees, then again you might be better off doing nothing in the interests of causing least upset to yourself, your DS and everyone else. If he does not agree, then I would tell him that you have no option but to make a formal application and go with the advice from lots of people to see a solicitor and arrange payment through CSA. If he really is a high earner, then it has to go to court - CSA cannot deal with it.
Would just like to make it clear to various posters that it is not YOU that is receiving maintenance - the money is from your DS father for his child.
Hope things work out

Nicely put pontynan

Those of you stating that her 'child support payments' aren't taxable, are possibly missing the point that the OP (who hasn't been here for a week) may have neglected to inform the tax-man about her full circumstances and if she has been claiming benefits where it would be reasonably expected that the father would pay, then she might not be too keen on rushing off to the CSA, as that might be followed by a further chat with the DWP.

What happens if you’re suspected of fraud
You’ll be contacted by the Department for Work and Pensions, HM Revenue and Customs, the Service and Personnel and Veterans Agency or your local authority if you’re suspected of fraud.

You may be visited by Fraud Investigation Officers (FIOs) or asked to attend an interview to talk about your claim.

Your benefit may be stopped while you’re investigated. You’ll get a letter telling you about this if it happens.

FIOs will gather facts about your case and decide whether to take further action.

What happens after a benefit fraud investigation
If there’s evidence you’ve committed fraud, you’ll be told to pay back the overpaid money. One or more of the following may also happen:

you may be taken to court or asked to pay a penalty (between £350 and £5,000) your benefits may be reduced or stopped

I'm not stating that the OP has committed a fraud, just that with the limited information from her posts, it's possible that as a single mother, where the father is 'unknown' she may have received state support and the state takes a dim view of wealthy - but absent -
parents, shirking their fiscal duty. Especially if the relevant government department learns that she has known who the father is and where he lives for these last 4+ years but has neglected to tell them

In her original post, she also stated she had received an email So .... I get a random email, stating how... singular, from the father, not lots of texts asking for a shag.

Is she being unreasonable asking for more money from a wealthy but absent father?
No, perfectly reasonable.
Is she telling the full story?
No, I don't believe she is.

The morals behind his and her actions over the last 5-years, are their concern.

Norland - child support payments are considered exempt in an assessment of income for benefits and tax credits.

You are asked to declare the amount you get but the amount is not considered income for the assessment.

You do not have to make any declaration re who the father is.

It is not likely that there would be any benefit fraud either as you normally have to prove your income for low income benefits by providing bank statements. Anyone who had an amount coming in regularly would be expected to explain it and if the op had not declared it was child support then she would be entitled to more benefits not less.

That's a weird post.

Norland, what a nasty, nasty post.

If child-support is not taxable, it is not taxable. Receiving child maintenance from the father is not fraud and I do not believe that the mother has to declare who the father is to anyone other than the child.

The labour government abolished the rule that child support was considered income because irregular payments were leaving children in poverty.

With the '3rd party' element to the child maintenance thing, ime dwp are fine with this. Or at least they were a couple of years ago when I was helping my cousin deal with an application - the money came from the child's grandparents as the father was a student. Declared it on the phone and the bloke said it was still counted as maintenance even though it didn't come from the father because it was still money for supporting the child.

@Norland What a load of nonsense you spout. It's almost as if you're trying to be unpleasant and scare the OP!

Thanks @AmeliaLion for verifying the 3rd party payment issue, which chimes with my own experience.

The OP has nothing to worry about. Child maintenance is not taxable and it does not impact on benefits. But several replies to you up-thread tell you that already, so it's strange that you keep quoting irrelevant bits about fraud...

"it's possible that as a single mother, where the father is 'unknown' she may have received state support and the state takes a dim view of wealthy - but absent - parent shirking their fiscal duty"

This is clearly untrue in a number of ways. I presume untrue on purpose to garner some kind of reaction, or just to hurt the OP?

Firstly, the government does not take fathers reneging on their parental duty at all seriously. The system is set up to make it extremely easy for fathers to escape paying for their child, and even when the father is forced to pay the amounts do not relate to the actual cost of the child. Clearly there are many fathers who take their responsibilities extremely seriously, and are great at supporting their children, however, this seems to be dependent on the person themselves vs any state censure. Recent policies around benefits and child maintenance agency duties/ process makes it very clear what the government, legal system and society in general thinks - and it's not about making rich (or even semi-affluent) absent fathers pay for their children. They are not held accountable. Sadly it's the women that are, over and over again. Which is exactly what you are doing on your post so your views are at odds with what you wrote here.

Secondly, you blame the OP for the fathers behaviour. And imply you think the OP is committing some kind of (completely erroneous) benefit fraud on behalf of the father who pays her very little. I wonder why you think she should be punished for the sins of another completely unrelated and independent adult? An adult who is not behaving well towards the OP or his child. She is already feeling the effects of his bad behaviour so why do you want to blame her and punish her more? Very unpleasant views.

Thirdly, implying that the father has to be 'unknown' for a yes state to help support a child is plain weird. So, all mothers that receive benefits to support their child must have had so many partners at the same time they don't know who the father is? What a weird suggestion! There are a hell of a lot of promiscuous single mothers out there all confused about their children's parentage then...