What do I do? DC is a result of an affair.

[ninenicknames]

Backstory.

I had a child 4 years ago. Father never involved. Not on the BC. DNA test done and its 99.9% he is the Father (can't get more accurate)

He does pay. Minimal amount, but without fail it does help. It's secret how he pays, via a 3rd Party for the reason below.

We don't have contact & he has never asked to see DC - the occasional text of "hi how are you?"

Here is the catch. He's married. Please don't judge me, it was a silly time in my life and no one got hurt but yes, I have an amazing child from this, I've never asked for anything. Certainly under NO circumstances would I have compromised his situation. As I say zero contact. It was a lust affair. Equally not proud of this.

So .... I get a random email, stating how under pressure he is, how he is trying to survive, and "people" have torn him apart re "our situation" but he'd like to meet up, we don't even speak so I'm not even sure who would rip him apart.

Normally I would be very much don't worry, as you know there is no pressure from me, I don't expect anything for obvious reasons.

But today I am royally fucked off, how does he think I survive EVERY single day on my own with a young child, I work full time,DC is cared for, loved, my family are amazing.

But I've had enough of these random texts/emails of how hard done by he is!

He is extremely wealthy. He could pay me a hell of a lot more but I never wanted to cause any issues.

So my AIBU is ... I've had enough of being nice, I feel right now that I want to take him to court for more money.

However, would I be UR to do that?

He is a pig.

Do I just ignore him and carry on in our lovely world? Do as I've always said and not compromise his situation?

I'm just angry today 😡

For the record I have NO issue with him seeing DC, that's his Father and no child should be denied that just because I feel like I do.

My head is saying just ignore and carry on as we are. But I'm annoyed he feels so hard done by.

It will be found out op as your child may well want to trace dad.

Tell him you need more money and you will anyway as your child gets older they cost a hell of a lot more.

Personally I would tell him to tell his wife. It won't be pretty for either of you but that's both your look outs.

Either way your child is entitled to what he can afford.

By the way he sounds a total bastard.

It takes 2 to have an affair.

I never contacted him after I found out I was pregnant.

He is a serial philanderer, on his 3rd marriage. I am certainly not the last.

I've minimised damage at every single stage of this.

I'm just sick of how HE feels hard done by. He only contacts me when he thinks he can re kindle the relationship, I would NEVER do that.

It's not my child's fault and I will protect him till I die.

Snowfairy
Neither was he really though eh?

Do as you please. You did before.

Snow fairy - appreciate your remark.

I'm an adult, I don't need telling off,
I'm well aware of my dickhead behaviour.

His current 3rd wife is the result of an affair from his breakup of his 2nd marriage.

OP
Give yourself some time on this. No need to rush into a decision. It might suit you better to continue receiving a lower amount through a third party.
If you decide to formalise arrangements, that is your choice to make. It might save battles in the future, and you could establish regular contact for your child with his father.
So far, you've done fine, so you'll make whatever is the right decision for you and your child.
I take it that the hush-hush approach is to save his wife from pain and his reputation from being tarnished. Fair enough. But he did make you pregnant, he was unfaithful, not you. So have no qualms about making things public if you want to.
He's being a cock with the email. Any emotional crap he's dealing with is not your problem - as you point out, you're coping with the daily business of child-raising.
There's every possibility he'd 'like to meet up' because he'd like a shag and perhaps even thinks he's entitled, as he sends some money your way.
So rant a bit, punch a few cushions, then make what you think are the right decisions. You'll be fine.

When he texts 'How are you?' etc do you send him photos of your DC? Do you get the feeling he wants to know how you are? How his child is? Or just to know he could see you/his child if he wanted? What's the purpose of his texts generally?

Any idea WHY he wants to meet up now?

I would assume the person ripping him apart (more likely just saying he should see his child ir come clean to his family!) is the person making the payments to you. Unless he was stupid enough to tell anyone else.

I get a random email, stating how under pressure he is, how he is trying to survive, and "people" have torn him apart re "our situation" but he'd like to meet up

and

I've had enough of being nice, I feel right now that I want to take him to court for more money.

I think the moany emails are an irritant but not important surely?

The bigger issue here is why he suddenly wants to meet. He might be about to withdraw financial support, offer more, or want to be in the child's life as well now. Decide what to do when you find this out.

If you need more money, then ask for it.
I don't see the connection to the 'woe is me' messages tbh. If you haven't been in contact with him then you don't know what his life is like. At least one other person must know about the affair if you receive funds from a third party so it's naive to think it's had no impact on his life. Anyway you don't need to feel sorry for him. He doesn't need to feel sorry for you. You were both adults who had an affair and are living with the consequences of that.

Are you 100% certain the email is from him and not somebody fishing for the truth? If you feel he isn't paying the correct maintenance then go to the CMS and start a case. He's admitted paternity but chosen not to have a relationship with the child, sad but not illegal.

Oh he wants to meet up because he wants a shag no dought there.

If his present wife is after another affair she's hardly going to be shocked by you and your child is she?

so you had an affair with a married man, not great but HE was the one who cheated on his wife not you.
IF you want more money because you need it for your child then you absolutely should pursue him for it. However, if you are doing it for some sort of revenge then no you shouldn't.

I think next time he sends you a whiny message you reply with 'well it's not that easy for me either raising your DC on my own with no support from you in childcare or practical help and only minimal maintenance'.

You both made a mistake, but it does seem like it's you that is paying the brunt of the consequences for it.

He texts / emails because he wants a shag.

He's a categorical philanderer. 3rd wife is a result of an affair.

He shows no interest at all in DC.

I have no idea who is ripping him apart (his words)

DC is the one I worry about, I'm just fed up of being such a walkover.

I have no problem whatsoever with him seeing DC.

Cross posted with a few of your comments?

Have you ever been tempted to rekindle the 'affair' to have a full sibling for your DC? (Just wondering, no need to answer if you don't want to. It would have certainly occurred to me, especially between wife 2 & 3).

Was he with wife 1, 2 or 3 when you got pregnant? If it wasn't 3, it's not going to cause much of a fall out if anyone finds out now is it?

I would find out how much you'd get if you went the legal route & tell him he needs to pay that or you will go the legal route (if the difference is worth the hassle - if it's not much difference I'd carry on as you are as he's never missed a payment).

A wealthy philandering pig who wants to meet after all this time. To discuss a non-disclosure agreement perhaps? Something may have happened in his life to make this important to him. If so get your lawyer on it before you agree to anything.

Just how much is the twat paying each month?

Take him to court op get what you deserve for your dc sake! You dont owe his man anything!

Not especially nice to his wife, were you?

Well it wasn't the OP who stood up next to the woman and promised to be faithful to her was it? He's the only one that's broken any vows.

Men should pay for the children they father regardless of circumstances imo.
However I know next to nothing about how all that works in practice and therefore how feasible it is.

Yes, formalise the money arrangement, so he can't just one day decide he does not have to support his child anymore.

Hope it goes well.

Did third wife come along after your affair?

Well it wasn't the OP who stood up next to the woman and promised to be faithful to her was it? He's the only one that's broken any vows

so that's OK then? people who aren't in relationships themselves can get into relationships with married people and not have to take responsibility for that?

I would ask for more money i.e. what you would get if you took him to court. Tell him that court is the alternative.

BTW, although it's never a good idea to have a relationship with a married man, HE is the one who broke the marriage contract not you. I get really fed up with the 'blame the other woman' talk. It's as if men are poor weak people who have no control over their actions. He needs to man-up and take proper responsibility.