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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do I do? DC is a result of an affair.

426 replies

ninenicknames · 13/04/2017 09:05

Backstory.

I had a child 4 years ago. Father never involved. Not on the BC. DNA test done and its 99.9% he is the Father (can't get more accurate)

He does pay. Minimal amount, but without fail it does help. It's secret how he pays, via a 3rd Party for the reason below.

We don't have contact & he has never asked to see DC - the occasional text of "hi how are you?"

Here is the catch. He's married. Please don't judge me, it was a silly time in my life and no one got hurt but yes, I have an amazing child from this, I've never asked for anything. Certainly under NO circumstances would I have compromised his situation. As I say zero contact. It was a lust affair. Equally not proud of this.

So .... I get a random email, stating how under pressure he is, how he is trying to survive, and "people" have torn him apart re "our situation" but he'd like to meet up, we don't even speak so I'm not even sure who would rip him apart.

Normally I would be very much don't worry, as you know there is no pressure from me, I don't expect anything for obvious reasons.

But today I am royally fucked off, how does he think I survive EVERY single day on my own with a young child, I work full time,DC is cared for, loved, my family are amazing.

But I've had enough of these random texts/emails of how hard done by he is!

He is extremely wealthy. He could pay me a hell of a lot more but I never wanted to cause any issues.

So my AIBU is ... I've had enough of being nice, I feel right now that I want to take him to court for more money.

However, would I be UR to do that?

He is a pig.

Do I just ignore him and carry on in our lovely world? Do as I've always said and not compromise his situation?

I'm just angry today 😡

For the record I have NO issue with him seeing DC, that's his Father and no child should be denied that just because I feel like I do.

My head is saying just ignore and carry on as we are. But I'm annoyed he feels so hard done by.

OP posts:
unhappywskid · 14/04/2017 18:39

*everyone will know

Faithnotfear · 14/04/2017 18:42

You should try and consider that it's not actually HIS situation you would be compromising by doing this but your own. If you are happy and you've got everything covered I world be extremely careful about jeopardising it for a few extra quid. you don't know how lucky you are to not have to deal with a pain in the arse ex and just get on with your life without constant upheaval from an immature little boy who thinks the world owes him something. I'm sorry for the situation you have found yourself in, but sounds like your DC is very loved which is the main thing.

M0nica · 14/04/2017 18:44

Op said she sometimes receives these random moaning emails. He might want nothing, just a moan as usual!

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 14/04/2017 18:48

I think your DC is entitled to be treated as any children this man might have, particularly with regard to education and inheritance. So I think in your DC interest you should formalise the relationship, if by a further DNA test then so be it.

That doesnt mean that he needs to have contact (his choice), his family need to know (his choice) or any other route.

But the information about paternity should be there for DC when they are old enough to decide if they want contact, to know information etc.

pilates · 14/04/2017 19:00

There's a lot of surmising on this thread when the op hasn't even had a proper conversation with her ex, only a cryptic e-mail Confused

BaggyCheeks · 14/04/2017 19:06

I agree about the level of surmising.

I'm also a bit puzzled about going to court being dangerous - the wife doesn't really get a say in how much maintenance the court would award (assuming it goes to court because he's an extremely high earner, otherwise it would just be referred to the CMS).

emmaloo14 · 14/04/2017 19:22

Wow, I can't believe some of the comments on here, yes the OP has made a mistake but guess what I'm sure she's not alone and hindsight is a wonderful thing.
This is about a child being supported by both parents. we can sit and bitch about how the child has been concieved but it's not going to make any difference. This is about two adults being responsible for their actions. With regards to wife number 3, yes it's not nice that your partner has been unfaithful but I'm sure wife number 3 started as an adulterous affair.

The child deserves the best that his parents can provide so OP does need to raise it with Daddy sperm donor

monstiebags · 14/04/2017 19:24

His whole family have got hurt because they are missing out on the money he gives to you.

user7298922193 · 14/04/2017 19:29

@monstiebags you are honestly ridiculous. Get out of here.

LittleBearPad · 14/04/2017 19:32

The DS is part of his family. He is entitled to financial support from his father. Monstie you are being absurd.

RitaMills · 14/04/2017 19:35

You're just too ridiculous for words monstiebags, GF!

inlectorecumbit · 14/04/2017 19:38

It takes two to tango.
Regardless of the right and wrongs of an affair there is an innocent child in the mix here.
Both parents have a financial responsibility to support the DC regardless of their circumstances so the ex or whatever you want to call him should be paying what is recommended by the CMS.
OP go down the official route to CMS, you say in your initial post you have DNA proof so perhaps see a lawyer to get something legal set up for the DC in event of his DF's death.
Please don't meet up with him as you have nothing to gain, it's not fair on his DW to keep your DS a secret so don't be complicit in this she has been lied to more than enough. You are not responsible for her being unaware of your DC's existence, your wrong doing has been -as you know- having an affair with a married man.

Ticketybootoo · 14/04/2017 19:39

Firstly I think you should be very proud of yourself raising your child as a single mother without his real commitment . That is an achievement and is you are a braver woman than I for reasons I am not explain here .
I think it maybe time to get some financial commitment from him.
I also do not agree with anyone who has a go at you for being able unreasonable to his wife . What a load of rubbish - he is the culpable one .
I also think it's very unfair that men can have a sexual relationship with the obvious risk of pregnancy and still walk away.
I wish you the best of luck 💐

Voiceforreason · 14/04/2017 19:53

Some of the comments on here are hugely judgemental when the OP owned her mistakes in the very beginning of her post. It is quite unnecessary to point out those mistakes when they are already acknowledged.

My point of view is this, for what it is worth. The OP has so far raised her ds alone with the support of a loving family. This is to be commended. She receives some payment from the father through a third party but aside from this works to support her child. She does not want a relationship with this man nor to be contacted randomly when he wsnts to bemoan his lot. It is a fact though that the day will come when her ds will want to know about his father.

My suggestion would be she, perhaps through that third party, lets the father know that she sees no future for them but would be amenable to him acknowledging her child. If he doesn't want this then she will at least be able to tell her ds when he asks, that although his daddy couldn't be part of his life, he always helped to support him. This is a kinder thing for her child to believe than 'he didn't want to know you'.

Ravenesque · 14/04/2017 19:54

I've not read everything here, because there's a bit too many stones being thrown for my liking, but wrt the ex, his moaning emails and wanting to meet up, I'd probably meet up and talk to him face to face about his financial commitment to his son. It seems to me that you've bent over backwards to make this as painless as possible for the ex and you've done everything you can to bring up your son in a loving extended family and you've succeeded in that. Your ex needs to step up and do more for his son. Going to court should be the last resort, not because the truth will be out there for all to see, but because I think it will be very hard for you and given some comments here, I think you'll be judged harshly and frankly you shouldn't have to put up with that.

Re the affair, he cheated, not you. Yes, you had an affair, you weren't the first and you definitely won't be the last, but you weren't married and he was, so it was up to him to be loyal to his wife. I hope you can get it all sorted out without too much pain for you and none at all for your lovely son, and I'm sorry that the rich pig is making that difficult for you right now.

theonewiththenoisychild · 14/04/2017 20:05

im sorry but i think its quite funny how people are bashing op for her affair and thinking of his "poor wife" she too was the other woman once she is his wife as a result of an affair too....

Mustang27 · 14/04/2017 20:35

Erm no offence but to those people saying she wasn't nice to his wife and what not, the op did not have any commitments to the wife the bloke is the one solely in the wrong. I have had two long term partners that have cheated on me before anyone throws mud my way, I never blamed the women both knew I existed. Unless she was a friend of the wife it really is irrelevant.

He is a pig and I think he sounds like he might be looking to meet you to try and start something else. I'd politely email him back to say you are struggling financially and that you need more money and that you are happy to support a relationship with his child but you are not prepared to be his shoulder to cry on as you both live with the results of your affair and that you are not capable of taking on more of the responsibility. If he needs someone to vent to tell him to get some counselling.

myshinynewusername · 14/04/2017 21:01

The child didn't have an affair. He didn't ask to be born.

The money paid by his father is not for the OP, it is for him and he deserves to get more than just the bare minimum, especially since his father can afford to pay a more adequate sum of money.

Peanutbutterrules · 14/04/2017 21:21

The martial status of the parents doesn't affect Child Maintainance - legally or morally.

Get him to pay a fair amount OP. You can still do it quietly if you choose to but for heavens sake don't listen to his 'poor little me' crap.

Maireadplastic · 14/04/2017 21:24

Absolutely right myshiny. No child asks to be born. We have to do the best for them. This child's father should do the best for them. Forget the rest- the child didn't choose any of this.

Whatalready · 14/04/2017 21:35

What have you decided to do OP?

HappyHedgehog247 · 14/04/2017 21:46

I would think and tread carefully and when you're in an emotionally cool place rather than angry or wistful etc. I go get maintenance from an ex, but I went through an extremely unpleasant and anxiety provoking court case and have a contact order that means my life is not free to live as it was before. Tied to dates, times, locations. I would sacrifice all that for some money.

As a fellow single parent, I take my hat off to you and would say that people who haven't walked this road don't have the same appreciation for its unique challenges. Wishing you and your DC the best.

makushla · 14/04/2017 22:12

OP
You still haven't said whether it was while he was with wife no. 2 or wife no. 3 that he had the affair with you.
Perhaps it's wife no. 3 who is giving him grief about you. Were you both his lover at the same time ?
Has wife no. 3 found out about you?

ruthieruthuk · 14/04/2017 22:14

If i was his wife id want to know

gemma19846 · 14/04/2017 22:18

If he doesnt see the child and child doesnt know he exists id cut all contact with him including asking him for money. Id just get on with my life with my child and cut all ties

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