What do I do? DC is a result of an affair.

[ninenicknames]

Backstory.

I had a child 4 years ago. Father never involved. Not on the BC. DNA test done and its 99.9% he is the Father (can't get more accurate)

He does pay. Minimal amount, but without fail it does help. It's secret how he pays, via a 3rd Party for the reason below.

We don't have contact & he has never asked to see DC - the occasional text of "hi how are you?"

Here is the catch. He's married. Please don't judge me, it was a silly time in my life and no one got hurt but yes, I have an amazing child from this, I've never asked for anything. Certainly under NO circumstances would I have compromised his situation. As I say zero contact. It was a lust affair. Equally not proud of this.

So .... I get a random email, stating how under pressure he is, how he is trying to survive, and "people" have torn him apart re "our situation" but he'd like to meet up, we don't even speak so I'm not even sure who would rip him apart.

Normally I would be very much don't worry, as you know there is no pressure from me, I don't expect anything for obvious reasons.

But today I am royally fucked off, how does he think I survive EVERY single day on my own with a young child, I work full time,DC is cared for, loved, my family are amazing.

But I've had enough of these random texts/emails of how hard done by he is!

He is extremely wealthy. He could pay me a hell of a lot more but I never wanted to cause any issues.

So my AIBU is ... I've had enough of being nice, I feel right now that I want to take him to court for more money.

However, would I be UR to do that?

He is a pig.

Do I just ignore him and carry on in our lovely world? Do as I've always said and not compromise his situation?

I'm just angry today 😡

For the record I have NO issue with him seeing DC, that's his Father and no child should be denied that just because I feel like I do.

My head is saying just ignore and carry on as we are. But I'm annoyed he feels so hard done by.

And if you've been ok without him for so long you don't need him now.
also you can get benifits for a single mum, you don't need him. Get well rid.

What heck I she moaning about? Go to the CSA or whatever they call themselves these days. No, ask him for more money first and if he complains tell him you'll apply to them.

Meant: What the heck is HE moaning about! Damn forums, no chance to amend.

The only thing that concerns me here is that a man has fathered a child and has effectively abandoned him. All the adults involved seem to be capitulating to the neglectful father's view that the child should be kept hidden.

I don't think that is in the best interests of the child TBH.

The only reason really for a child to be kept away from their biological parents is if there are child protection concerns, which may or may not be there in this case I don't know. Even then the child should be able to know of the other half of their family and be able to have whatever contact they can with them.

At 4 this may not seem all that important if he is happy and loved by one half but at 24 he will at the very least have questions and may well be angry with you op and your family for keeping him away from his father and his family. You can't protect him from his father's neglect by protecting his father from his existence.

MummyOFthree93 - he is 50% responsible for the OP's child. The circumstances of the child's conception are irrelevant. His father has a responsibility to contribute to his upbringing.

Go via the CMS for the correct amount of child maintenance and that formalises it for you & DC.
Only go to court if you really need to - perhaps his income is too high so you may need to.
You can't force him to see DC but every other weekend would be reasonable if that's his proposal.
My advice is don't meet in person though
Good luck!

Hate to say this but... and I will probably get crucified for saying it....... but this is 2017.... we have had control of our fertility for a very long time. You chose to have sex with a man who has the maturity of a 3 yr old, no protection on either side, and you must have realised that doing things like that can get a woman lumbered with a child... on her own. Yes, its unfair, yes, it hard, but yes, that was a choice you made.... lust or no lust. He's an idiot. He was married. ''No one got hurt''? yes, they did.... you.

All the adults involved need to, or need to be made to in some cases, get over how the child came to be conceived and start focussing on what is best for the child and not their feelings or covering up their mistakes. The child should not have to pay for their parents' inadequacies.

Ask yourself what you would want to tell your child when they are older and go with that.

And what I think is relevant about it being '2017' is that children are no longer considered to be 'women's business'.... Fathers are now expected to have equal responsibility for raising them and the effects of abandonment by fathers are now able to be ascertained by scientific study.

He should pay enough for you to raise DC comfortably, not such that you struggle.
Suggest you contact the CSA for advice (I
know it's changed but the new name escapes me).
They may be able to use a business address for him rather than his home.
In my case, & I guess others, the payments are only calculated from the date you contact them & not the birth of the child.
Of course there's a lot of moral judgements that could be made, but imo it's not worth it, we are where we are & all that, & the focus should be on your DC - exactly as it is.
Best wishes

we have had control of our fertility for a very long time

OP has clearly stated several times that she was using birth control ....

Go through the proper channels to get what you're legally owed. It is what your child deserves. He legally needs to pay you. Don't give him an opportunity to wriggle out of this.

Blimey I've rtft & still not found out what he actually wants! Wouldn't that be the first question??

How infuriating for you! This man clearly only cares about himself! Where has he been for the past four years missing out on his child's life? Sounds like he may be falling back on you because he's got marriage problems which he must have clearly had before to be having an affair. It's the last thing you need. If he was genuinely interested in his child why has it taken him four years to make An effort. More to the point he's not thought about how his selfish actions have affected you. If he has contact now will his wife feel and will this affect you and your child, that would be my primary concern. You don't want this woman having a go at you and possibly your child being witness to this. It all needs to be handled very sensitively and if he's got "poor me" syndrome that could be very difficult xx

Isn't what he wants rather secondary to what is in the child's interests (contact with his father and his family, emotional, educational and financial support from him etc)?

If the starting point for what happens is what a neglectful parent wants how do you think the child fares?

Have you actually responded to his email yet OP?

Ultimately no-one can make a person like this fulfill their responsibilities in terms of actually caring for and raising the child but the child surely needs their other parent to at least stand up and expect their involvement rather than collude in keeping them as though they were a regrettable mistake for all involved.

If his name isn't on birth certificate he has no parental responsibility. I would be happy to have a wonderful child, the money you have and little interference from the father. That is worth a lot. I wouldn't ask for more money or take him to court.

You and your child are entitled to more money. Make sure he pays up.

Well... be angry today. Tomorrow you may not be. My marriage & family were destroyed by a similar situation although a child was not conceived. Please do not berate yourself. People have affairs for all sorts of reasons. You are doing ok, ignore the e mails, do not see him... why open up an old wound. An old one but time heals. It does my children & I are living proof of that. I wish you & your child well. Forgive him & move on. 🤗

With regard to the money if you need more ask, if you don't, don't xxxx

So, yes, it's absolutely the fathers responsibility to provide for his child. I totally agree with that.

However, it is equally the father and the OW responsibility for the pain caused to the innocent people who end up hurt because if the affair if the OW knew the guy was married.

It's not about the adults in the situation, not even about the wife, but about the children involved. The children he already has and the child born from the result of the affair.

I know. We are going through this right now. The pain, confusion, anger, mistrust, sadness etc etc etc that my children are experiencing right now is dreadful. As their mother, I feel useless because I can't fix that pain. All I can do is love them and guide them through. And it's bloody hard. I did nothing wrong. To those saying a solid relationship can't be broken, that's rubbish. We were solid. Obviously not as solid as I thought but we were happy.
I now have to be the one who encourages my children to have a good relationship with their father. I have to bite my tongue and not or him down or the OW down (even though they choose not to meet her or even speak of her or the baby) I'm the one who has to listen and watch my children suffer and do whatever I can to help them through and try to figure out the awful mess that has happened to their lives.

And the baby? How will that child feel when it eventually finds out that it is a product of lies, deceit and hurt? How will it feel to that child/teenager to know that it's parents hurt it's half siblings so deeply as a result of its being?
It's ridiculous to say that the OW has no responsibility when she knows she is shattering a family.
I would never do that to anyone. Ever.

Ignoring the vast majority of how this came about, so you took responsibility for your dc and said dc is surrounded by affection and support - do you actually need any extra money or do you just want revenge or acknowledgement? Yes, he may be able to pay more and perhaps should but if the money isn't needed is it worth the impact on your child's emotional stability if it just comes down to petty revenge.
Also, you say he only gets in touch when he wants a shag. Are you there for that shag nornally but he is bugging you now, because if that is the case bringing money into seems crass somehow.
Just talk to him, sort out what the ground rules are for you and your dc and take it from there. The whining from him needs to stop, and your child needs support. Things should be talked out and brought into the open but not in a petty act of revenge.

Well, what a situation...as wrong as it may have been, and I also believe in not throwing stones, you did have a thing with a married man and a child as the result of it. His moaning seems to be a hint that he's trying to get out of it. If he was interested in being a real father he would do anything but send moaning emails. You said he's wealthy, and people with a lot of money do tend to be tight-fisted, so I'm thinking he may be trying not to have to spend any money on your kid anymore. So there's your kid, a cheap wealthy father, yourself, an unaware wife and his own DC. Whatever you decide to do will have a price You take him to court, everyone will now and everyone gets hurt. You ignore him and his emails, your ego and of course your concern for the well-being of your DC get affected, but at least you carry on as if nothing had happened and no one gets hurt. Of course there's the financial part: why not test the water with him to see how willing he is to cooperate more? I think that's the first way to go. Going to court could be dangerous, because you never know what could happen to you and your DC, just remember he's a wealthy man, and wealthy people always seem to have cards up their sleeves and what if the wife ends up being on his side? She may not be willing to sacrifice the wealthy life she has with him. Test the water with him secretly first, that'll give you an idea what the best way forward is.