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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do I do? DC is a result of an affair.

426 replies

ninenicknames · 13/04/2017 09:05

Backstory.

I had a child 4 years ago. Father never involved. Not on the BC. DNA test done and its 99.9% he is the Father (can't get more accurate)

He does pay. Minimal amount, but without fail it does help. It's secret how he pays, via a 3rd Party for the reason below.

We don't have contact & he has never asked to see DC - the occasional text of "hi how are you?"

Here is the catch. He's married. Please don't judge me, it was a silly time in my life and no one got hurt but yes, I have an amazing child from this, I've never asked for anything. Certainly under NO circumstances would I have compromised his situation. As I say zero contact. It was a lust affair. Equally not proud of this.

So .... I get a random email, stating how under pressure he is, how he is trying to survive, and "people" have torn him apart re "our situation" but he'd like to meet up, we don't even speak so I'm not even sure who would rip him apart.

Normally I would be very much don't worry, as you know there is no pressure from me, I don't expect anything for obvious reasons.

But today I am royally fucked off, how does he think I survive EVERY single day on my own with a young child, I work full time,DC is cared for, loved, my family are amazing.

But I've had enough of these random texts/emails of how hard done by he is!

He is extremely wealthy. He could pay me a hell of a lot more but I never wanted to cause any issues.

So my AIBU is ... I've had enough of being nice, I feel right now that I want to take him to court for more money.

However, would I be UR to do that?

He is a pig.

Do I just ignore him and carry on in our lovely world? Do as I've always said and not compromise his situation?

I'm just angry today 😡

For the record I have NO issue with him seeing DC, that's his Father and no child should be denied that just because I feel like I do.

My head is saying just ignore and carry on as we are. But I'm annoyed he feels so hard done by.

OP posts:
dailystuck71 · 15/04/2017 08:59

Happy. Page 8 clearly says OP took precautions. That's one of several times from what I've read.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 15/04/2017 08:59

It's on page 2 happygirl8 here >

His current 3rd wife is the result of an affair from his breakup of his 2nd marriage.

Starlight2345 · 15/04/2017 09:19

I am astonished at the relevance of her morality.

This is about supporting the child..

Yes legally he is responsible for supporting his child. He is also morally responsible for that.

The amount is maybe relavant only because it was enough till she got the text, what is one person's rich is not another person's rich. We have no idea what op is objecting to if he is paying £10 a week absolutely. If he is paying hundreds a week I would feel differently..

However OP has generally stopped commenting so pretty pointless debating further.

theonewiththenoisychild · 15/04/2017 09:21

exactly.... poor wife this poor wife that.... she had an affair with a married man once too. probably as did the wife before her aswell. from the sound of him he cant leave 1 wife without having another lined up first. his so called poor wife should know what to expect..... surely

ataraxia · 15/04/2017 09:41

There are plenty of reasons to have arrangements above board/a more formal situation with child support (some good points already raised here - what happens in the case of death/the third party acting fraudulently etc) but no reason for it to be a knee jerk reaction. It's a separate issue. It's up to him how he keeps that secret, should he wish, from his wife.

Anything useful on this website? www.cmoptions.org/

AllllGooone · 15/04/2017 10:11

Do I just ignore him and carry on in our lovely world?

This really stands out to me. If you're happy and getting by, maybe it's best to keep things as they are? Tough one.

rickobucks · 15/04/2017 10:22

This is obviously a selfish, self interested and insensitive man who has little thought for you or his child.
Try to calm your understandable anger and write him a balanced email.
Tell him that you have absolutely no interest in either his problems or lifestyle and would he please stop writing to you about them.
However you both have responsibilities towards your child.
You are bringing him up in a loving and caring family and at the moment footing most of the bill.
You should ask him to sign a legally binding agreement to pay half of all your child's outgoings and that should include a notional amount for the cost of your family's time.
(His need for secrecy is not your problem and should not stop you or your child from receiving a proper allowance.)
You should point out that you need rapid confirmation of his agreement to this course of action and that he should inform you immediately of the name of his solicitor. (You need your own).
You would regret having to do so but failure on his part to provide for his child would necessitate immediate court proceedings.
Other than the need to set up proper financial arrangements you should tell him that every child needs to know his father and that he should man up and make visitation arrangements. He might surprise himself and find that a good lifetime relationship with his child would in itself bring immense rewards.

BengalGal · 15/04/2017 10:33

I'm sure that web site will be useful. The calculator, assuming he has two of his own kids at home, maxes out at 256£ per week. If he earns more than 3000£ a week, you have to go through the courts and get a higher amount. There is a small fee for getting set up, and a weekly fee if they have to collect it from him.

I would go ahead and make it formal. It might be painful for everyone, but then it's over and you can get on with your life. He won't be able to threaten or stop paying, you won't be holding his secrets. The court wouldn't inform his wife, that's up to him. It might make it harder to keep secret, but as she was the other woman it's unlikely she will be too shocked.

All this moral high horse crap is totally irrelevant. If he raped you in a dark alley he still owes. If you drugged and seduced him he still owes. There is a child and both parties are obligated to support him. Whether you knew of a wife or not has no bearing on the question on how much he owes the child. In the US you can get past support as long as you file before age 18 but it sounds like that is not an option here. I would just get everything in writing, through your own lawyer if not the courts if he is paranoid about his wife finding out. Get it all formal in case of death and to minimize the chances of drama now or later. Or to get the drama over with while your child is young enough not to be too hurt by it.

Ineke · 15/04/2017 10:56

Married men have affairs, and sadly some single women have affairs with married men. It's unfortunate if a child comes into the equation but not necessarily a negative thing. If the child is loved by both parents and can see parents interact positively for the sake of the child that is the healthiest environment for growing up in. Above all, child comes first

florencia · 15/04/2017 11:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Astro55 · 15/04/2017 11:34

You made a choice, you could have had an abortion

WOW- so could your mum!!

SoulAccount · 15/04/2017 11:43

Valencia: A child, any child, is the full responsibility of both it's parents. This man could have taken full responsibility for effective contraception. An extramarital baby is the risk a married man takes when he has extramarital sex. Just as single parenthood is the risk a woman takes.

NOTHING about the circumstances of conception mitigate the responsibility towards the child by either / both parents.

This man is bloody lucky the OP didn't go straight to his wife, and is not demanding more hands on fatherhood.

There is never a circumstance in which a child should endure privation as a punitive response to being the child of an affair.

All this 'your choice, your responsibility, hide in poverty with your bastard child because that is the bed you made' is misogynistic, anti-child and Victorian.

Disgraceful to see it laced through a thread on MN.

Astro55 · 15/04/2017 11:56

Well said!

So many children are born to so many different types of family settings -

Single parents
Gay couples
IVF
Married
Blended families
Adoption
Fostering

All children

All deserve their parents time and money!

PollyPerky · 15/04/2017 13:12

florencia Rather than wading at Page 16 with your vitriol why not RTFT?

You will see that
a) the OP used contraception- it failed
b) she couldn't have an abortion- medical reasons we assume.

dailystuck71 · 15/04/2017 13:13

Florencia, what a nasty, nasty fucking thing to say. RTFT.

theredjellybean · 15/04/2017 13:33

OP...you don't know what this guy wants or what his email meant.
I would suggest instead of going in all guns blazing about not playing nice etc, you email or meet with him to find out what is going on.
It will be very clear if he is just after sympathy or to restart affair etc...it might be wife has found out about your DS and is pressurising him over the money ..who knows...do not assume..it makes an ass out of u and me !
I would be calm and collected and hear him out and if he tries to wriggle out of maintenance for DS then politely inform him you will be seeking legal advice ...

AwaywiththePixies27 · 15/04/2017 13:34

you could have had an abortion, the child is your choice,

Jesus bloody wept! Is there any need for that? Really? Yeah assuming the bloke didn't have a fucking choice then taking advantage of the umpteenth woman he's shagged then?

He's on his third marriage as a result of an affair, so has got form but the OP should have had an abortion because the twat clearly cant keep his dick in his pants?

The actual choice was this MARRIED bloke not going there in the first place.

Jux · 15/04/2017 13:46

It's 2017. Why are people still putting the onus on women for effective contraception?

If a man has an affair, he either ensures he is protected from STDs and conception. If he can't be bothered to use condoms then he can have non-penetrative sex, or no sex or risk a child. If he indulges himself in taking the risk of a pg, then he takes the consequences.

Why are men still treated like little boys who have to be protected from the consequences of their own actions?

In 2017.

Jeeeeesus.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 15/04/2017 13:49

Exactly jux . A PP commented earlier in the thread about it not being the 19th century any more so the OW has no excuse.

Yet oddly given by some peoples comments on this thread we are still stuck in the 19th century where it's acceptable for the man to sleep around and treat women like this. Hmm

WankingMonkey · 15/04/2017 13:55

If he can afford more he should be paying more.

Its hard to imagine myself in the same situation but I would (I think( as him to up his payments, and if not then drag him through the courts. He was just as wrong as you in this whole situation so you shouldn't be worried about outing him. Especially if he is being a cunt.

IMO of course.

Atenco · 15/04/2017 14:11

you could have had an abortion, the child is your choice

I am pro-choice, but being pro-choice does not mean that any woman who falls pregnant in less than ideal circumstances should be told to abort or criticised for not aborting. That is frankly disgusting.

CherriesInTheSnow · 15/04/2017 14:33

florencia fuck the fuck off Hmm

life07 · 15/04/2017 14:50

I would ignore the vile posts condemning you, you obviously felt guilt from your post about counseling but how can anyone ask you to feel guilty forever when it resulted in your beautiful and obviously much-loved child.What matter now is that the child deserves support from both parents.You should do what's best for you both.

user7298922193 · 15/04/2017 15:01

@CherriesInTheSnow if we could "like" things on here like you can on Facebook I would love your post!!!!

sonjadog · 15/04/2017 16:23

I don´t know if you are still reading (in a way, I hope you´re not, because some of the comments on here are really unpleasant), but a friend of mine was in a not dissimilar situation about ten years ago. We discussed it back and forth for a long time and in the end she decided it was better to continue with the predictable status quo rather than make demands for more money - the reasoning was that when she had done that, then she couldn´t predict the response that she would get back, but it was unlikely to be just a "get more money/ same no contact as before". Would he have wanted more input in raising her child? Would he have wanted to decide schooling? He wasn´t a pleasant individual to have around and she didn´t want him physically in their lives. Now her child is older and things are a lot easier to do on her own and she is extremely glad that her child´s father is not around.

Please don´t beat yourself up with remorse for the affair for ever more, like some posters here seem to want you to. What´s done is done and there is no point wallowing in it.

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