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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do I do? DC is a result of an affair.

426 replies

ninenicknames · 13/04/2017 09:05

Backstory.

I had a child 4 years ago. Father never involved. Not on the BC. DNA test done and its 99.9% he is the Father (can't get more accurate)

He does pay. Minimal amount, but without fail it does help. It's secret how he pays, via a 3rd Party for the reason below.

We don't have contact & he has never asked to see DC - the occasional text of "hi how are you?"

Here is the catch. He's married. Please don't judge me, it was a silly time in my life and no one got hurt but yes, I have an amazing child from this, I've never asked for anything. Certainly under NO circumstances would I have compromised his situation. As I say zero contact. It was a lust affair. Equally not proud of this.

So .... I get a random email, stating how under pressure he is, how he is trying to survive, and "people" have torn him apart re "our situation" but he'd like to meet up, we don't even speak so I'm not even sure who would rip him apart.

Normally I would be very much don't worry, as you know there is no pressure from me, I don't expect anything for obvious reasons.

But today I am royally fucked off, how does he think I survive EVERY single day on my own with a young child, I work full time,DC is cared for, loved, my family are amazing.

But I've had enough of these random texts/emails of how hard done by he is!

He is extremely wealthy. He could pay me a hell of a lot more but I never wanted to cause any issues.

So my AIBU is ... I've had enough of being nice, I feel right now that I want to take him to court for more money.

However, would I be UR to do that?

He is a pig.

Do I just ignore him and carry on in our lovely world? Do as I've always said and not compromise his situation?

I'm just angry today 😡

For the record I have NO issue with him seeing DC, that's his Father and no child should be denied that just because I feel like I do.

My head is saying just ignore and carry on as we are. But I'm annoyed he feels so hard done by.

OP posts:
Karenthetoadwhisperer · 14/04/2017 22:29

I think you need a family solicitor, OP. You can get some initial free advice (1 hour I believe) which will put you into a better informed position. You may want to make a submisssion under the Children's Act for your child and a solicitor will be able to advise you.
I am a firm believer in separating your own emotions from the best interests of your child. Therefore there is nothing wrong with you asking for proper maintenance from the child's father. It's his obligation and has absolutely nothing to do with any rights or wrongs in relation to both of you.

Karenthetoadwhisperer · 14/04/2017 22:36

gemma it's great if you can afford this attitude, unfortunately the reality for most of us is not so straightforward. No need to link ties with money.

freedsky · 14/04/2017 22:38

I don't know what to suggest but just want to say it's great that you are bringing up your lover's child with loads of love and that you aren't asking for anything from him and you didn't wreck his marriage. Plus you allow him contact if he wants it. It's so good that your child makes you so happy. S/ wil grow up so loved and cherished.. . Keepwriting 'your child' as wh wh typ in

freedsky · 14/04/2017 22:40

Couldn't finish my post. Was saying that when I type the initials of dear child, it comes up as VENDREDI 14 AVRIL 2017.

Offred · 14/04/2017 22:41

I am also a single parent who is 'tied to dates, times, locations etc' which yes, is annoying, frustrating, at some points soul destroying and is definitely not what I would choose if it was just me I had to consider in the choices I made. But it is not just me. I have children. No matter how they arrived in my life, as a parent I am responsible for looking out for their best interests. Whether they have crap fathers or good ones I have greater or fewer responsibilities, and re the crap, my resentment sits firmly where it belongs - with the fathers who choose to be crap fathers. I could wish that it were different, but that won't change my situation, or that I, as a parent, feel a strong drive to fight for what is best for them in preference to what I think is best for me at any given time...

lastrose123 · 14/04/2017 22:43

Be glad you are not his wife! You at least can walk away with no hassel.

Jux · 14/04/2017 22:44

I don't really know why you're getting slated. You've faced and shouldered your responsibility. He's the unfaithful one, and he's sliding out of taking responsibility too. He's also periodically pulling the 'poor me' card out - as you say, probably to get another guilt-free unfaithful shag.

Find out, if you can, how much you would get if you went through CMS, then tell him that's what you'd like.

I thing Grizelda's text is great.

Karenthetoadwhisperer · 14/04/2017 22:46

Just adding that I always agree with Jux.

lousue · 14/04/2017 22:47

Just gobsmacked at your attitude. Your choices. Go to CSA and stop whinging. Your selfishness may well ruin another mother's family. Just get a grip

Angelreid14 · 14/04/2017 22:48

Your only loyalty is to your child. People make mistakes but he was the married one. You should ask him to set up an account in your child's name that you have access to to make sure he is making regular deposits. You both made the mistake yet, you have stepped up as a parent. It doesn't sound like he has and it's the very least he could do.

user7298922193 · 14/04/2017 22:49

@lousue I think she's been far from selfish. She hasn't asked him for anything and is only considering doing so as HE keeps moaning at her when he has done absolutely fuck all to have any relationship with his child.

user7298922193 · 14/04/2017 22:51

Also people keep mentioning his other family but it only says he has a wife. Doesn't mention any other DC.

Aurora87 · 14/04/2017 22:59

Norland

"Definitely ask for more money; at the very least you'll need the extra cash to pay the back-tax + interest and equal amount again in fines, for failing to disclose your additional income to the tax man.

taxaid.org.uk/guides/taxpayers/undeclared-income/180-2"

Wrong - child maintenance income is NOT taxable. The absent parent has already paid tax on their income and if they were still together their financial contribution to the cost of raising the child would be direct, rather than indirect. It would be nonsensical to double tax the amount paid as child maintenance.

www.citizensinformation.ie/en/money_and_tax/tax/income_tax_credits_and_reliefs/maintenance_and_tax.html

lousue · 14/04/2017 23:18

She says she's thinking of taking him to court! Read it. She chose this.

NotMyPenguin · 14/04/2017 23:31

@lousue, you have to go to court if the other parent's salary is over a certain amount. CMS/CSA can't handle it.

littleliving · 14/04/2017 23:46

I love how some of these comments are having a pop at you when you were not the married one! HE was! If he were my husband I'd be far more mortified that he wasn't helping his child or being there than the fact he was playing away from home as it were. Flowers for you, you sound like you're doing the right thing. Good luck with it, I personally would try and get the full child maintenance your child is entitled to. Even if you manage fine without his money, my daughter's very lovely father pays the maintenance he's meant to pay into DDs savings account so she has a nice little fund for when she goes of to uni or whatever else she decides to do Smile

justme27 · 14/04/2017 23:49

OP, it's clear you're in a difficult situation but ultimately sounds like you simply want to do the best for your DC - like most Mums.

I haven't yet read all the posts on here but I'm a family solicitor and would be happy to have a telephone chat with you so that whatever decision you make is from an informed position. I've acted for both people in your position and those in the position of the married man so can let you have some unbiased advice and tips on how best to handle things.

Tend just to read mumsnet and not post so much so not sure how you'd get in touch but assume there's a way of private messaging so please do!

victoriusblunder · 14/04/2017 23:55

I believe in equality for all. Not just women.

This, OP means that you ARE a feminist, perhaps you should check the definition on the word.

Ineke · 15/04/2017 02:38

This will all come out one day, surely when your child is older they would want to know about their father and possible siblings. If he wants to see his child then there probably isn't a lot you can do to not let this happen, it's probably better for everyone to not antagonise the situation. If he can afford more maintenance I would ask for it for your child, but if he has money as you say, he can afford lawyers if he wants access to his child, so, I would be strong and reasonable but it may be an idea to get legal advice. It could turn into a battle and that would not be good for you or your child.

happygirl8 · 15/04/2017 08:14

You should not of got with a married man, does he have children with his wife, can you imagine if they can't have children how she would feel if this came to light. There are at least two innocent people in this situation that being your child and the other being his wife. Why weren't you responsible enough to take precautions. I understand your annoyed with him I suggest you both be grown up and talk this situation through properly and consider his wife and your child in this. Sort out your differences and don't behave irresponsible if your going to get together, think he is betraying his wife he could do same to you. You need to TALK before anymore situations are caused

NervousNellie29 · 15/04/2017 08:20

@happygirl8 RTFT.

  1. wife not innocent. She was a previous mistress of the man.
  2. OP used birth control and it failed.
  3. she has been raising her DS alone for 4 years so she's taken responsibility.
FerdinandsRevenge · 15/04/2017 08:37

I'm really confused about the discussion of the op's morality. It's not even slightly relevant. She could be satan herself, the point is that adults have a financial responsibility to children.
So yes, op this man should pay for his child.

I'd send a message to him saying you don't give a shit about his personal situation and that he is to continue paying you x amount and never contact you again. If he contacts you ever again you will tell everyone about the child and go after him for full whack.

arthurst · 15/04/2017 08:42

HE is the one who cheated. You were free to have sex with whoever you wanted, even if it wasn't the wisest decision you ever made. Some people still seem to believe in the concept of 'the femme fatale' and the poor man who couldn't manage to keep his flies zipped. BUT he played away not you. You deserve to have proper maintenance for your DC, and you can put this on a much more formal footing if he starts messing about. His angst really isn't your problem. Getting proper money is. He doesn't sound as if he would be much of a father, but he's the only one your DC has, so you'll have to make careful decisions about contact. This man doesn't need protecting, he has responsibilities to face up to.

happygirl8 · 15/04/2017 08:54

I apologise but re read and no where does it say wife was ex mistress also where does it say she took precautions and yes she is doing good job with son , which is why I suggest they be grown up and TALK there are others on site who have said about poor wife so get of my case

NervousNellie29 · 15/04/2017 08:58

@happygirl8 THE FULL THREAD. Not just the original post. OP has made a few comments.

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