To absolutely hate being single?

[pushingthroughcracks]

Sorry to be so pathetic and in many ways negative but stay with me.

I am battling a number of personal demons and I feel alone and unloved. I am trying really hard to make it different but unfortunately it isn't working!

I've not had a great time of late, I do try to speak to and text friends but they are almost always busy with their own families and it can become a difficult line between putting yourself out there for friendship and companionship and getting in people's way. I was surprised and a tiny bit put out when having driven for then best part of two hours on Monday to see a friend we had coffee and then just over an hour and a half later she cheerily got up and said she had to go because of reasons to do with her family. I didn't say anything because it isn't exactly helpful for future relations to whinge and whine about not spending a required number of hours with me, and perhaps she just hadn't thought that it took a not inconsiderable amount of time and money to see her. Anyway this is beside the point but I'm just trying to explain when I do try to initiate contact sometimes things don't go to plan!

I do try to get out of the house as much as possible. I live in a city and I do try to get involved and do as many things as possible but a lot of the time I end up in a position where I have to do things on my own and it isn't really much fun. As well as the impact on finances which is another source of stress: having to run a home - mortgage and all bills and car repairs and so on from one salary takes its toll.

I've joined over the past five years or so various dating websites - guardian soulmates and match.com and plenty of fish. None worked for me in the time I was on there. For some reason the only person wanting to strike up a conversation with me on match.com was a man from Manchester which is some 300 miles away from where I do live, and while I've nothing against Manchester as a place I would like to think there's someone amongst my millions of neighbours who I could have a relationship with! Yet I do feel I should be coupled up with one person and any social life should stem from doing things with other couples. This certainly seems to be the impression I have from scanning my eyes around those around me.

I do know, before anyone says, that loving with a cruel or neglectful or ignorant partner would be worse but that's not really what I'm about here.

I do volunteer work within my community, and I do have friends although they are somewhat scattered around this country and abroad and a couple of friendships are sadly waning a little at the moment despite attempts on my part to rekindle them. I also go to the gym but don't find this a social activity (I don't go with this expectation.)

So I do feel a little as if I am going around in circles where in order to meet someone in need to be a grounded individual with a sparkly social life yet having a sparkly social life when ones friends are coupled up and you have all the financial limitations of being single, is hard!

I am in a rut and don't want to go on like this but I don't know how to change things!

I am in a relationship and I spend a lot of time anxious that I dont have time for my friends - between working full time , children , my widowed mum , partner , house - friends are hard to manage . So don't be too hard on your friend OP !

Loneliness is harsh and hard - and it's easy to say 'enjoy it now '- bit your heart feels why it feels

My advice is :
Fill your time up and stay busy and varied
Don't rely on coupled friends for emotional sustenance
Keep self esteem as high as possible (you will know how in a way that's relevant)
But focus On growth and do NOT Look at others and think they are better off as it's a waste of valuable
Time and energy . really - depression and loneliness are everywhere OP

I wasn't blaming self esteem ! But I know that if I myself push myself to do self esteem boosting stuff it helps - I am also having a slump for different reasons

Don't rely on coupled friends for emotional sustenance

So when you don't have family and you have friends but none of them are single, what do you suggest a person does then?

There ought to be a singletons board on Mumsnet rather like the lone parent board. I knew someone who relished the company and acceptance that comes with regularly chatting and confiding with the same group of online friends.
You all sound lovely and I hope this thread becomes something of a support network for you all.

That would be nice actually, theres a dating thread but I found it was actually making me feel worse seeing everyone getting loads of dates and trying to choose between lots of interested prospects :/

I would seek and nourish friendships with singles if at all possible - easy to say but surely not everyone is happily
Married ???

I have many single friends . And friends that like to socialise separately to their partners ?

But yeah if you can't you can't - I'll get my coat

Storm Yes, it is astonishing that the majority of people on the dating thread seem to be chatting to loads of people, get loads of messages, go on lots of dates. Have to assume most of them must live in large cities and be very good looking! My experience and those of most people I know with online dating is not the same.

I disagree that single people shouldn't hang out/be friends with those coupled up- I was single in my twenties and had lots of coupled up friends who invited me along to stuff, to stay with them, make sure I was included and I had a great time and even met some of their single friends along the way.

Families are busy but I've still found time for my single and coupled up but childless friends, I love the fact we don't all have the same life experiences, and I've been through the ups and downs of dating life with them as my friends went through it when I was dating.

I agree there's a point when meeting people through friends gets harder about mid thirties when it feels like everyone is settling down, this then opens up again by fifty upwards as people get divorced and go into second/third marriages/relationships, I know a lot of these and they are usually people in the same social circles.

Stop, I know what you're trying to say, but I see on here all the time that people will always prioritise family. That single women are a threat who must never be allowed around men. Obviously not all, but enough.

Also, keeping busy. Again I understand, but who with? Doing what? How do I afford to do loads of exciting hobbies?

I don't know any single people. In my group of friends, there were 3 or 4 single people. We all did things as a group, but we singletons also got together and did stuff. Now they are coupled up too, there are no single friends left. I don't have any single friends.

And friends that like to socialise separately to their partners ? But you told the OP that married people weren't to be relied upon.

She's already said that finding people to socialise with and do stuff with isn't the issue. I agree with her.

Part of the issue is not being a priority to anyone. That's not the same as not being able to find someone to go to the pub with on the Thursday evening.

stopfuckingshoutingatme - I don't think I've even come close to being hard on my friend.

I really do mean this so genuinely - but think how it looks to me.

I spend money that I earn putting petrol in my car and driving a 140 mile round trip, smile politely and completely hide a very, very mild feeling of puzzlement and disappointment - yet I am told I am wrong to feel this because my friend has a family and I just can't understand.

It's not about relying on coupled friends for emotional sustenance but just for some companionship! Otherwise I would spend weeks alone when not at work.

I really hate online dating but at some point I'll have to dip my toe in again, I suppose.

MyPerfectCousin - that's spot on, I think. And it does mean people miss the point as any sigh of loneliness is met with suggestions on how to make friends which isn't the issue.

I will definitely get my coat !!! And should I find
Myself single again I shall dwell on these words ....

Stop, personally, I can't think of any single friends I have.

I have an acquaintance who is single but she is very committed to the dating scene so pinning her down is difficult. Plus, she may be single but is close to her family.

It's not about 'I need mates' or not necessarily anyway. If i had a crowd of friends who were all single it might be different.

OP, I could have written your post. Younger than you, although I've just accepted a PhD scholarship, so that's another three years in which anything romantic happening is unlikely sadly- everyone I talk to says the whole process is rather isolating.

I am in the wonderful position of having never had a boyfriend ever, which doesn't help. I think I must just be extremely ugly at this point in all honesty. Best advice someone gave me a while ago is to become comfortable doing things by yourself. I will quite happily go to the theatre, go out and do touristy stuff, go out for dinner etc on my own. Doesn't mean I don't want a partner, but I do think if you can get comfortable with your own company, it gets easier.

I loathe it when my friends in long term relationships tell me to go out more. I'm in full time grad school ie effectively a 9-5 during the week, plus work a Saturday job to fund that. I go to a language class but they all have partners. I go to a lot of ballet and yoga classes,but they are typically all women environments. I refuse to swap hobbies I love for ones with a better dating potential pool. The point is it doesn't leave a lot of time. I've kind of accepted at this point that at least for now, if I meet someone I meet someone, but there isn't much more I can do to actively try.

I hear you . You want companionship and someone to do nothing with . And all my trite advice won't change that . If nothing this has given me Some insight into things

I also can't think of a single friend not in a committed relationship. And it's been that way for a long time.

Well, I'm glad about that, stop, really

lisa, I've heard that before - that you should just do what you want to do and if it is on your own so be it which is fine but only takes you so far. Some things with the best will in the world would elicit raised eyebrows to do alone, others would be dull and therefore largely pointless.

I think people suggest things like walking groups or climbing, because at some point, you have to have contact with men to meet one! If you are a teacher in a primary school, and go to yoga three times a week, you simply won't come into contact with men in any quantity at all. Something has to shift for that to be possible- so either joining a group where there are men, or going to more social occasions where there are men or going online or to a dating agency where there are men.

I had friends who didn't meet men for many years who had more or less entirely women friends/hobbies/jobs and ultimately they had to do something more drastic to open their lives up to eligible right age men- usually going out to bars more/social occasions, or online dating, or joining a dating agency.

Oh, I know. But don't let not having someone to go with to say, something you want to see at the theatre, be a reason not to go. First few times I did it, I loved whatever I went to but hated the going alone. Now, it's incredibly liberating. Doesn't mean I wouldn't prefer to go with someone though.

I came across this gem when I was trying to find a local ballroom dancing class. I so wanted to email them about how insensitive I found this wording, but suspect they would have laughed. Q and A on website.

"Will I get to dance with my partner?"
"Of course! You came to learn to dance with your partner, and that's what you will do! At some point in the class the teacher may dance with you as part of teaching, but you will dance with your partner.

If you are planning to attend this class alone, please be warned that we never split up couples. If your partner is not interested in dancing, we suggest you find a friend to partner you. Single dancers cannot be a accommodated in this class and you will have to dance by yourself if you attend without a partner."

I have several issues with this. The first being the assumption that if you don't have a partner to come it's because they don't want to dance, not because you're single.

The second is that any ballroom and Latin school on the planet for kids or university students will let in anyone who wants to dance, which will sometimes mean some people learn the steps alone and then at the end swapping around happens so everyone gets to practice with a partner once. It's actually awful practice to learn to dance exclusively with one person, as any decent teacher will tell you in a kids/university class. You should always practice with another dancer, even if it's just for one rotation at the end of class because stops you and your partner getting stuck with each other's bad habits. Yet as soon as you're an adult, better give up ballroom if you're single :(

Four I go to lots of places where there are women. I'm in several varied clubs with lots of women. None of them single. It is very rare for a single woman to turn up and if she is, she is usually far too young or far too old. I know many women who says the same. It's not specifically meeting members of the opposite sex but SINGLE members of the opposite sex. I don't know of anyone who wants to be single who hasn't turned to trying almost all online dating sites to try and find a partner and most of them without success.

In other words - you can do all the things everyone suggests but it doesn't guarantee any chance in circumstances at all and you can still be lonely.

To be fair, I don't think it's a question of needing advice. For most singletons it's about venting and just letting it out that we are bloody lonely and banding together with others who feel the same.

I think you ought to crack on with OLD- it can work if you persevere. Also things like singles holidays or holidays that are for younger types - does Exodus still exist?

You could also consider an old fashioned marriage bureau! They can be costly but ones like Drawing down the Moon have a good reputation.

What is a marriage bureau? :) I have really never fancied a singles holiday. I'm open minded but the thought makes me feel quite ill!

I suggested climbing/walking/cycling groups because it worked for me. I had been single for ten years (not through lack of trying), joined the groups and suddenly found my dating life transformed. I never pretended to be something other than what I was, a beginner. I didn't sell myself short. I was simply myself, friendly, and men (and women) found me approachable enough to ask for my number. I met my dh whilst on a hiking trip and we got chatting because we were both walking a bit slower than the group.

Polly have you seen how expensive Exodus can be? Added to which, a lot of their holidays throw you into a group and the rest of the group can be couples, not all singles.