To absolutely hate being single?

[pushingthroughcracks]

Sorry to be so pathetic and in many ways negative but stay with me.

I am battling a number of personal demons and I feel alone and unloved. I am trying really hard to make it different but unfortunately it isn't working!

I've not had a great time of late, I do try to speak to and text friends but they are almost always busy with their own families and it can become a difficult line between putting yourself out there for friendship and companionship and getting in people's way. I was surprised and a tiny bit put out when having driven for then best part of two hours on Monday to see a friend we had coffee and then just over an hour and a half later she cheerily got up and said she had to go because of reasons to do with her family. I didn't say anything because it isn't exactly helpful for future relations to whinge and whine about not spending a required number of hours with me, and perhaps she just hadn't thought that it took a not inconsiderable amount of time and money to see her. Anyway this is beside the point but I'm just trying to explain when I do try to initiate contact sometimes things don't go to plan!

I do try to get out of the house as much as possible. I live in a city and I do try to get involved and do as many things as possible but a lot of the time I end up in a position where I have to do things on my own and it isn't really much fun. As well as the impact on finances which is another source of stress: having to run a home - mortgage and all bills and car repairs and so on from one salary takes its toll.

I've joined over the past five years or so various dating websites - guardian soulmates and match.com and plenty of fish. None worked for me in the time I was on there. For some reason the only person wanting to strike up a conversation with me on match.com was a man from Manchester which is some 300 miles away from where I do live, and while I've nothing against Manchester as a place I would like to think there's someone amongst my millions of neighbours who I could have a relationship with! Yet I do feel I should be coupled up with one person and any social life should stem from doing things with other couples. This certainly seems to be the impression I have from scanning my eyes around those around me.

I do know, before anyone says, that loving with a cruel or neglectful or ignorant partner would be worse but that's not really what I'm about here.

I do volunteer work within my community, and I do have friends although they are somewhat scattered around this country and abroad and a couple of friendships are sadly waning a little at the moment despite attempts on my part to rekindle them. I also go to the gym but don't find this a social activity (I don't go with this expectation.)

So I do feel a little as if I am going around in circles where in order to meet someone in need to be a grounded individual with a sparkly social life yet having a sparkly social life when ones friends are coupled up and you have all the financial limitations of being single, is hard!

I am in a rut and don't want to go on like this but I don't know how to change things!

I could have written all your posts OP, unfortunately this is one of the Big Taboos - people can either be in a happy relationship, in a miserable relationship, or happily single. Saying youre unhappily single is usually met with a barrage of "you dont need a man to be happy! Go out and do things, enjoy being single!"
These comments tend to come from people who were single in their twenties, surrounded by lots of other single twenty-somethings they could go off on holiday with.

It gets very wearing seeing happy holiday snaps from coupled up friends somewhere you could never afford on your own in your thirties when youre at home on your own, trying to vainly convince yourself that going to "a walking group" at 9am on a sunday morning isnt the awful prospect it actually is.

I totally understand everything you're saying. This was me in my 30's. I hated living alone, I hated having to be everyone's favourite aunty to their kids and i hated having to go to everything alone. Yes there were positives etc during that time but going home on a Friday night knowing I might not speak to anyone properly till the Monday was lonely. It just was. No matter how much of a positive spin I tried to put. I did online dating- and had to be proactive and open to possibilities. You do have to throw yourself in to it and it makes you cringe but you have to take the lead in it rather than the other way round, so you can start to spot the wrong ones and not waste time. You absolutely will meet someone this way but you do need to focus on one - probably a site which matches your values- and then work on it. Over 10 years later I am very happily married with kids. I know it might look like its lucky it worked out but it did involve a lot of hard work along the way!

Sorry for asking your age OP, I have a single friend who is 50, she would love to meet someone but she doesn't do anything about it. I've suggested dating sites etc but she would never do it. At least you are getting yourself out there.
I was single for most of my twenties, a few short term relationships and flings. I met my DH at 31 when I went camping! What about doing things like walking, hiking groups, that are mixed. I go to a running group that is mixed. I did my first Parkrun recently, there were definitely more men than women there and there is a social side, they go for a coffee afterewards. I didn't go but

I hear you OP. Early-40s man here, about to hit 7 years single, haven't had a date in over 5 years. Done all the online dating stuff for ages, got a very interested and varied social life, out doing plenty, lots of friends. Do all the things everyone says. Still doesn't mean you don't feel lonely as soon as you get home from a night seeing friends who are mostly coupled to an empty place. Day in, day out, months, years on end. Doesn't matter how full your life is, you can still be ridiculously lonely. You want to be able to SHARE things with someone. I hate holidaying alone and simply won't do it (and it's so ridiculously expensive, generally, on your own). Doesn't matter what groups or hobbies or classes I go to - finding ANY single female is very rare, let alone one you find attractive.

And yes, I have had all the cliches that have been trotted out. And of course "get a dog, great company". Yes, but I live in a flat which wouldn't be fair to the dog and I'd rather like someone that talks back!

Oops didn't mean to post!
I will go for a coffee another time. You don't have to be a great runner either, some people walk it.
I have young children, it's hard to socialise, getting the time, babysitters etc. My friend who is single lives about an hour and a half away so only see her every few months.
I actually find the gym quite antisocial, everybody has their ear phones in, no one talks. I much prefer going to classes or running groups.
Hope things get better

I don't like the way these threads go.

For most people being on their own, is not preferable to being in a happy loving partnership. So lets not try and pretend otherwise! There are a very small minority of people would would prefer to be single than be in a good relationship.

OP do you have family nearby?

It's more the feeling that I'm no one's priority. There's 7 billion people in the world, and 64 million in the UK and I'm not a priority to a single one of them.

My single friends have expressed this in exactly the same way. Like, when you are in a relationship you know there is always someone there who should put you first. Who will reply to your texts, the first person you tell news to etc.

ShatnersWig You're absolutely right. It's the getting back home and coming back into a quiet, empty place.

There's no one to reflect on the evening and laugh about it with. That's the tough bit.

I rarely meet single men, and even more rarely find them attractive. And I am probably 'damaged goods' nowadays in that I do have trust issues due to shit that's happened in the past.

It's just shit.

I feel exactly the same but with the difference of being a single mum with a large brood. Kids are here every night so I don't get to go out in the evenings. Just adult conversation would be nice! X

I understand and empathise completely. I'm dreadfully lonely. I know I could di more but I'm tired. My dating 'value' is in the toilet. Yes I might be funny, thoughtful, kind, etc etc... but it's not enough. I'm not enough.

I find coupled people don't know what to say to us singletons. They don't want to agree it's crap as that would make them feel bad but equally making out its great is no help to us either because we all know that's not true.

OP where abouts are you? It may sound a bit daft but there are apps for 'making friends' like dating apps but they have a much more social aspect to them and everyone meets in a group. The ones around here are very successful (have fortnightly and weekly meetups I think) and the groups which were originally people in your boat are now all good friends. My circle of friends has rapidly dwindled since I left a sports team I was part of a couple of years ago and even more so since I became pregnant (due soon enough). As soon as I can walk without waddling I'm going to be using them to make new groups of friends :)

Yes I might be funny, thoughtful, kind, etc etc... but it's not enough. I'm not enough

No, me neither.

I look at the women in my friendship group who have met someone over the past year or so and they are all objectively 'better' than me. I have this niggling feeling that anyone I went out with would be looking at them feeling like he'd drawn the short straw somehow.

And I wouldn't want someone who'd be prepared to settle like that because he didn't feel he could get someone better.

Yes I might be funny, thoughtful, kind, etc etc... but it's not enough. I'm not enough

No, me neither.

I look at the women in my friendship group who have met someone over the past year or so and they are all objectively 'better' than me. I have this niggling feeling that anyone I went out with would be looking at them feeling like he'd drawn the short straw somehow.

And I wouldn't want someone who'd be prepared to settle like that because he didn't feel he could get someone better.

My friend does indeed have children but the youngest is 19

Does he have a girlfriend?

Joking aside, if online dating isn't working for you, then the only option is to meet men in real life. Are there any you work with that you like? If so, then take the bull by the balls and ask them out. Generally, men are very happy to be asked out, even if they decline - don't believe the rubbish about men not liking women to do the asking. "How about going for a few drinks on Thursday?" is all it need be - you are highly unlikely to get an ungraceful refusal, I think.

If that's not an option, how about your friends. Nothing to stop you asking your male friends out. Failing that, do any of your female friends have any unattached male friends that they could introduce you to? A lot of the women I know are delighted to couple up their friends. The men I know rarely do.

Still a no go? In that case, you're going to have to make an active effort to meet more men. Clubs, sports teams, hobbies etc are one way, although I appreciate that they can seem a little daunting. Perhaps you could make some female friends first, who can set you up with someone, either in the club / team or someone else they know, as above.

If I were you, I'd maximise my chanced by trying to look as nice as I could, as often as I could. It doesn't mean you have to get dressed up like Kate Middleton when you go and get milk from the local shop, but make sure you look good when you go anywhere at all where you might meet men - as well as clubs, that includes the library, Starbucks, anywhere. Obviously if your chosen club is, say, kick boxing, then nobody looks their best after beating the shit out of a heavy bag for an hour but you get the point.

Also, make sure you seem available. Speaking for myself, there are a lot of women I would never have considered asking out. That's not because they seemed out of my league - that has never bothered me. Instead it's because they just never seemed remotely interested in going out, with anybody. At university that meant girls who seemed to be forever studying. Later at work that included women who were very very into their hobbies, women who never came on work drinks nights, or women who never seemed chatty or affable. I can't quite put my finger on it, but somehow they just never seemed interested in dating. Whatever it was, it's important not to come across like that.

Good luck. If you weren't actually looking for advice and just wanted to rant, then ignore the above.

My perfect cousin.....you write very eloquently and I can entirely relate.....

Good post bad lad.

BadLad

I think your advice is very good, but you make it sound very easy...!!

I go out 2 or 3 nights a week. At one of my hobbies, I am one of only 3 women. But all the men are 20 years older than me and/or married.

I have absolutely no problem asking men out, but I don't have any single male friends. And rarely meet anyone single who I fancy.

I do make an effort when I go out. I don't mean a huge effort, but I'm always clean/tidy/presentable. I don't stick my greasy hair into an untidy pony tail or wear trackie bottoms and trainers... I don't do it because I might meet a man, but because I have a bit of self respect.

I am chatty and approachable...

I have female friends who tell me I'm attractive, sexy, whatever, but not a single man thinks so!

Thank you for your answers :) Sorry if I don't reply to people individually.

I really feel I don't exactly need 'more' friends, unless those friends are in identical situations to me - it's more about people to do nothing with not people to do things with.

Re meeting men - well, I guess I am just not brilliant at it I don't really have any male friends, the ones I know at work are married and socialising with a married man as a single woman generally isn't considered appropriate!

I only have my dad and sister. Dsis has always been a bit of en enigma to me! My dad now lives abroad, and lives with a rather remote and cold woman who loathes both my sister and I for having the tenacity to be born to our late mother

Perfect are you me?!!

Except....

Add several stones of excess weight, three kids and next to no time for hobbies....

What a catch eh?!

do you want children op?

Try joining a climbing gym & biking/hiking groups. It's how I met most of my men including DH. You will meet men of all ages and walks of life, and many are so excited to see any women there that they probably aren't as 'picky' as they might be on online dating.

I would love them user but I need to accept this may never happen.

Thank you Uppity

I think you are doing everything you could apart from keeping going! It's a numbers game. You need to be in it to win it.
Understandably you are hacked off but you need to approach meeting a partner as you would an important project.
It may take a while but don't give up. It's impossible that there isn't some one out there for you.

Forwards I don't have a huge amount of time for hobbies. I have to squeeze them in and fortunatley I have a child who is old enough and willing to babysit the younger one!

And as for the weight, I have a couple of stone to lose too. I'm trying not to default into thinking that that is the reason for it, but it's hard not to...

Do you know what I did a couple of years ago? I made a bit of a plan for self improvement. I changed my job, my diet, organised the house, got on top of finances (was just after my marriage broke down), planned how I was going to spend my evenings took up exercise where I could and lost about a stone. It led to me feeling more confident, a social life and friends, but not a relationship! I have dated over the past 5 years, but I've come to the conclusion that I'm not really what men are looking for, so that hasn't worked.

It can help you feel more positive to do those things.

it's more about people to do nothing with not people to do things with.

This is so true!

I find the whole idea of online dating to be a bit contrived and false also. Plus, I didn't have the best experience when I tried it.