To absolutely hate being single?

[pushingthroughcracks]

Sorry to be so pathetic and in many ways negative but stay with me.

I am battling a number of personal demons and I feel alone and unloved. I am trying really hard to make it different but unfortunately it isn't working!

I've not had a great time of late, I do try to speak to and text friends but they are almost always busy with their own families and it can become a difficult line between putting yourself out there for friendship and companionship and getting in people's way. I was surprised and a tiny bit put out when having driven for then best part of two hours on Monday to see a friend we had coffee and then just over an hour and a half later she cheerily got up and said she had to go because of reasons to do with her family. I didn't say anything because it isn't exactly helpful for future relations to whinge and whine about not spending a required number of hours with me, and perhaps she just hadn't thought that it took a not inconsiderable amount of time and money to see her. Anyway this is beside the point but I'm just trying to explain when I do try to initiate contact sometimes things don't go to plan!

I do try to get out of the house as much as possible. I live in a city and I do try to get involved and do as many things as possible but a lot of the time I end up in a position where I have to do things on my own and it isn't really much fun. As well as the impact on finances which is another source of stress: having to run a home - mortgage and all bills and car repairs and so on from one salary takes its toll.

I've joined over the past five years or so various dating websites - guardian soulmates and match.com and plenty of fish. None worked for me in the time I was on there. For some reason the only person wanting to strike up a conversation with me on match.com was a man from Manchester which is some 300 miles away from where I do live, and while I've nothing against Manchester as a place I would like to think there's someone amongst my millions of neighbours who I could have a relationship with! Yet I do feel I should be coupled up with one person and any social life should stem from doing things with other couples. This certainly seems to be the impression I have from scanning my eyes around those around me.

I do know, before anyone says, that loving with a cruel or neglectful or ignorant partner would be worse but that's not really what I'm about here.

I do volunteer work within my community, and I do have friends although they are somewhat scattered around this country and abroad and a couple of friendships are sadly waning a little at the moment despite attempts on my part to rekindle them. I also go to the gym but don't find this a social activity (I don't go with this expectation.)

So I do feel a little as if I am going around in circles where in order to meet someone in need to be a grounded individual with a sparkly social life yet having a sparkly social life when ones friends are coupled up and you have all the financial limitations of being single, is hard!

I am in a rut and don't want to go on like this but I don't know how to change things!

Oh, believe me, I haven't misunderstood. I'm saying it seems to be that you have unreasonable expectations of people

Charley thank you. Time alone can be lovely of course but like anything else it has to be a novelty. For instance, a few weeks ago I went to see a friend and we decided to go to the zoo. Time passed in a flash. One minute it was ten o clock then five and the zoo was shutting: we walked around, talked about the animals and enjoyed the attractions.

So I then decided when lonely recently to go to my local zoo.

Despite it being a large zoo, despite my real interest in the animals, I had covered everything in an hour and a half.

Well, I really think you have brighton as this is largely my point.

You can't expect friends to provide the companionship and commitment to you that you have from a partner.

Oh Arb I disagree.
It's a long way to travel just for a coffee. If a friend came that far yo meet me I would expect to spend a bit more time together. Anyway that isn't the focus of the OP. She is just expressing her loneliness.

Whereabouts are you OP? Have you thought of using mumsnet to meet other people I've got three young kids but would love to make more friends but do find everyone is busy doing family things. Have you thought about borrow my doggy? You may meet someone dog walking. I'd head back to online dating and tinder. Instead of full on dates go for coffee. I think it's such a hard one knowing where men are hiding. Well single men. You sound like a lovely person. What about a local WI? That might net you more friends aswell.

I know it's trite to say 'the grass is greener' but it often is; I have a DH and a teenage DS yet I am bored senseless by just staying at home with them - and none of us would want to do the same thing anyway - even deciding what to watch on tv turns into a row . You only have to look at the numerous threads on mumsnet to see how many broken and difficult relationships there are despite people being with a partner and children.

I am not trying to 'trivialise' your comments but it does sound as you have low self esteem and expect a 'partner' to magically turn your life around. I never rely on my DH and DS for my social life - it is my own responsibility to find things that I enjoy, friends that I want to spent time with, volunteering or community projects etc etc.

If you enjoy spending time at the zoo why not get in touch and see what volunteering opportunities are involved?

Oh, and if you are convinced that it will never happen for you, it probably won't. Stop looking, meet people and enjoy things.

Comments like this (which only come from coupled up people) used to drive me mad. What utter nonsense.

Thank you :) I do feel, though, at this stage what I need to do is to try and meet someone, as I do have quite a lot of friends (not spending a lot of time with them notwithstanding!) :)

Perhaps you need to consider your self esteem before trying to find someone

Oh and this one! Yes OP, your fault you're single because of your 'poor self esteem' .

OP there is nothing wrong with you and it is not your fault you haven't met someone. Ignore the people on this thread who clearly have no appreciation at all of the stigma women in their 30s can sometimes feel at being single

I was surprised and a tiny bit put out when having driven for then best part of two hours on Monday to see a friend we had coffee and then just over an hour and a half later she cheerily got up and said she had to go because of reasons to do with her family.

I'm married and this still happens to me. It's bloody annoying.

I moved away four years ago and one friend in particular will suggest coffee, I'll sit on the train for over an hour and she will sit with me and chat for precisely one cup of coffee and then she'll put her coat on and leave. I now make no special plans to see her and suggest meeting up if I'm in the area anyway.

Well, this is the thing Ragwort, although I did enjoy the zoo (with some dubious ethical concerns) I don't think the primary enjoyment came from the zoo per se.

I of course agree wholeheartedly relationships can be very difficult and I think teenagers can add a whole other level of difficulty in there as well :) but as I tried to explain in my OP, it's not a post trying to attack those IN relationships by somehow implying that they have wonderful lives, but at the same we do have to presume for the most part people are in them because they want to be (I know this isn't always the case sadly but in general terms.)

Of course no one should rely on their DH for their social life but, if you imagine my week with a husband - Monday I would have seen my friend, been to the gym and then spent time with him. Yesterday I would have spent time with husband. Today, ditto. Tomorrow and Friday I am also seeing friends but as it is that's three days completely alone.

That can feel quite relentless.

Walking group? Anyone can walk! Mixed ages and sexes. Takes up whole day. Plus get exercise and scenery

Sympathies OP, it must be hard. I have the opposite situation at present with young DCs and minimal time to spend alone by choice, but I can remember times in my adult life when I was in a similar situation and it can feel very lonely. It's a minefield trying to find a decent man, too.

Do you have a local 'outdoor' group at all? We have one, and a lot of members are single, of different ages, they have different types of meet ups.

I think a few posters are being deliberately obtuse, as a busy mum to 3 young DCs I would be considerate of your having travelled some distance to meet up and made it a longer meeting.

Best wishes for the future, hope Mr Right shows up very soon.

You've been there too amused? :) No, it is fine, as I'd rather have seen her than not, but it did rather starkly show the differences.

soyaya yes, it can be a stigma, definitely. I have a wedding in June I'm not really looking forward to for this reason.

user thank you. Unfortunately the walking group here is populated primarily by the over 60s and takes place on alternate Sundays. This can be difficult due to work constraints (I am often not at work but 'on call' then.)

Me too, I'm 46 and just can't seem to get it right. I refuse to just settle but the lonliness is a killer, sometimes i just can't see the point in anything. I just hope one day I meet someone I can live a happy life with, until then it's early nights watching crap on tv, a very drab existence.

OP I feel your pain.

Thank you summer for such a lovely message :)

Fatra, that's a really interesting post and I'm glad you've shared and been so honest

Betty, yes. I am conscious life is passing me by and it seems I have two options - one to be the benevolent and unselfish loving 'aunt' figure to friends children, giving my time to drive across the country for hours at a time for a few crumbs of companionship, counselling through relationship disputes and difficulties with in laws.

The other option open seems to be that of the thirty/fortysomething 'wildchild'; hedonistic, at festivals, travelling to Europe at the drop of a hat, shagging randoms and of course, watching TV without any compromise.

(I'd actually rather like a squabble over Corrie vs football )

But the truth is I am neither of those characters. I'm an ordinary woman, neither hideously ugly nor stunningly beautiful, clever but not a genius, in a well paid job that nonetheless means I'm stretched by the end of the month, with a flat that is sometimes messy. Just average Miss Jones.

Ah well, Bridget met mark darcy so we can hope :)

totally get you op. I have been single 9 long Lonley years and the novelty wore of for me a long time ago.
I do have my daughter which breaks the loneliness but she's now at an age where she prefers her ipad to me and soon will be hitting teenage years so no doubt out with friends etc.
I get the same patronising comments from coupled friends but would they swap my life for there's. hell no.
Also as you mentioned financial constraints as a single person makes everything so expensive....
all bills down to me so pretty much no spare cash for holidays fancy days out etc....
Not much advice to give as I feel your pain but why not stick at the dating sites? if your not on them at all there's zero chance of meeting someone as I find very hard to meet single men in real life once you get in your 30s.
I'm 38 and feel my 30s been a complete waste of time which is sad as nearly a decade to be lonely is hard.

Singles walking group? I know two people who have met someone that way.

Four dates in five years of internet dating isn't very much- surely there are lots of new people on all the time? I get that it can be a bit soul-destroying, there seem to be a lot of Peter Pan types who are keen to date but not to settle down, but there have been some good threads in Relationships on how to keep cheerful in OD, perhaps join in those and get back online!

Matchmaking agency? Before you say 'oh but I don't have much money'- I would consider this an investment, take out a loan! Again, I know people who have met this way.

I'm not going to say it doesn't matter or to appreciate your single life, as it is hard to be on your own if you want a companion and there's no point comparing yourself to others who feel equally unhappy.

I do think though, that this is your window to take positive action esp if you want a family. In general, for people in mid-thirties onwards, either they have met through work, or met online/dating scene and not a lot of other places.

It helps if you have a partner in crime or at least a friend you can moan to and discuss the ups and downs of dating...is there anyone that would do that for you (I used to do it for my friend when she was sobbing into her pillow saying she would never meet anyone).

It doesn't stop you enjoying the parts of life you do have as a single person, as well, it's not an either/or situation.

Would going to lots and lots of exercise classes help to keep busy? That way you would be getting fit and mixing too.

If I wasn't a single parent I would be going to lots of aerobics/aqua etc as I really enjoy that type of thing.

People are being unfair to the OP on the Paris thing – someone else brought up jetting off to Paris on a whim, not her; she was only responding to that post.

OP, I do think you could make clearer plans with your friends, as others have said –did you and your friend not talk beforehand about what 'sort' of meet-up it would be? ie 'quick coffee', 'lunch and a stroll' etc? It's one way to feel less let down.

A book club would be a great way to get to know people as you HAVE to talk to them, unlike with some sports and hobbies.

Also, I don't know where you are, but some galleries and museums have singles nights –they may be advertised explicitly as such or are sometimes just late nights or adults nights. You might meet people there who are interested in the same things as you.

I was in very long term relationships in my twenties. Never thought I would be single at 30.

I'm doing online dating - numerous first dates and a couple of second dates.

I want to get married and have babies before I'm 35

I'm with you, pushing.

I have 2 children and I'm a LP. One is now 18, but still needs me. The other is still at primary school. I have similar financial constraints to you, so I understand that.

I am the only single one of my friends. Until last year, there were 3 or 4 single people in my group of friends, but they've all met someone over the past year or so and so now it's only me. We do still do stuff together, but it's not the same.

I don't begrudge them spending times with their boyfriends/partners/families. Of course I don't, it's what I'd like for myself but it doesn't stop the loneliness and, as much as I love my children, I feel that we are very isolated, with few connections to the outside world.

It's more the feeling that I'm no one's priority. There's 7 billion people in the world, and 64 million in the UK and I'm not a priority to a single one of them.

Much like Betty, I'm not prepared to settle either. And the more I meet of men my age and older (I'm 42), the less confidence I have in the belief that one day I will meet someone and fall in love.

I am facing the very real possibility that I will die never knowing what it is like to be loved or to have someone fall in love with me.

And that is hard.

Hi Pushing, I can sympathise. I've been single for a very long time after several disastrous relationships. I prefer being single but I hate feeling lonely. I have a lot of hobbies and some lovely friends but the endless nights going home alone were horrible.

My solution was to get a lodger. I guess this might not work for everyone, but it's stopped me feeling really alone if I've not got social things arranged.

I have a male lodger, he was a friend before he moved in, he's a nice guy, rather introverted and doesn't go out much, and neither of us are interested in a relationship, with each other or with anyone else now (we're mid 50s and both scarred from bad previous relationships). I have friends that I visit or invite round, but on the nights when I've nothing to do I still generally have someone to cook or watch TV with. It works really well for us.

to you. Hope you find what you're looking for.