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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To absolutely hate being single?

300 replies

pushingthroughcracks · 12/04/2017 07:18

Sorry to be so pathetic and in many ways negative but stay with me.

I am battling a number of personal demons and I feel alone and unloved. I am trying really hard to make it different but unfortunately it isn't working!

I've not had a great time of late, I do try to speak to and text friends but they are almost always busy with their own families and it can become a difficult line between putting yourself out there for friendship and companionship and getting in people's way. I was surprised and a tiny bit put out when having driven for then best part of two hours on Monday to see a friend we had coffee and then just over an hour and a half later she cheerily got up and said she had to go because of reasons to do with her family. I didn't say anything because it isn't exactly helpful for future relations to whinge and whine about not spending a required number of hours with me, and perhaps she just hadn't thought that it took a not inconsiderable amount of time and money to see her. Anyway this is beside the point but I'm just trying to explain when I do try to initiate contact sometimes things don't go to plan!

I do try to get out of the house as much as possible. I live in a city and I do try to get involved and do as many things as possible but a lot of the time I end up in a position where I have to do things on my own and it isn't really much fun. As well as the impact on finances which is another source of stress: having to run a home - mortgage and all bills and car repairs and so on from one salary takes its toll.

I've joined over the past five years or so various dating websites - guardian soulmates and match.com and plenty of fish. None worked for me in the time I was on there. For some reason the only person wanting to strike up a conversation with me on match.com was a man from Manchester which is some 300 miles away from where I do live, and while I've nothing against Manchester as a place I would like to think there's someone amongst my millions of neighbours who I could have a relationship with! Yet I do feel I should be coupled up with one person and any social life should stem from doing things with other couples. This certainly seems to be the impression I have from scanning my eyes around those around me.

I do know, before anyone says, that loving with a cruel or neglectful or ignorant partner would be worse but that's not really what I'm about here.

I do volunteer work within my community, and I do have friends although they are somewhat scattered around this country and abroad and a couple of friendships are sadly waning a little at the moment despite attempts on my part to rekindle them. I also go to the gym but don't find this a social activity (I don't go with this expectation.)

So I do feel a little as if I am going around in circles where in order to meet someone in need to be a grounded individual with a sparkly social life yet having a sparkly social life when ones friends are coupled up and you have all the financial limitations of being single, is hard!

I am in a rut and don't want to go on like this but I don't know how to change things!

OP posts:
lisaIambe · 12/04/2017 14:10

I've just had a brief Google of singles holidays. Most of the ones I've found openly admit that they have a much higher number of women than men. Some even place women on a waiting list until more men sign up :(

Thundermouse · 12/04/2017 14:12

Pushing, I often feel very sad about being on my own. As well as being lonely day to day, I find I sometimes get stuck in terrible thoughts about why nobody has chosen or wanted me, looking at those in marriages to work out why they were 'chosen' etc. It's tortuous.

It has helped me a lot to separate out the different things I want from life, and do everything I can to make it happen. If you want to be a parent, then go for it. I'm five months pregnant with a donor conceived baby and there is tremendous freedom in having taken my own power to become a parent, and separated it from wanting to be in a relationship. I struggle with the 'single mothers/solo mums by choice' thing, as actually, this wasn't my first choice. I would have preferred to have done it with someone. But given the options, this is my choice and I can't wait to met my daughter. 'Freedom is what we do with what's been done to us.'

Via the donor conception network I'm now part of an awesome network of solo mums. They are clever and funny and beautiful and strong and it helps so much to be around them and realise that there is nothing at all 'wrong' with any of us. We just didn't win the relationship lottery. But we have the rest of our lives to do that, whereas there's only ever a window of time for women to have bio children.

PollyPerky · 12/04/2017 14:16

I'm batting ideas around Shatner- no idea of the OP's income.

OP Marriage Bureau- now known as an upmarket dating /match making organisation.

drawingdownthemoon.co.uk/

BadLad · 12/04/2017 14:18

Fair enough, Perfect, all I can do is describe what worked for me. Hope it does happen for you.

ShatnersWig · 12/04/2017 14:24

Bloody hell, Polly. That agency's package start at £6,000 +VAT! No wonder they are for London and the South East, you'd need to be a high powered city worker to have that sum to throw around. I know there are others charging several thousand pounds but it's a lot for no guarantee of success. Maybe I should change jobs, reckon its a great way to make a shit load of money.

pushingthroughcracks · 12/04/2017 14:39

I have absolutely nothing against donor conception but it's not for me. I know what you mean about thoughts torturing you, though.

OP posts:
lisaIambe · 12/04/2017 14:48

Do you get attention but not anyone you consider potential? I think the hardest thing for me has been accepting that men just aren't interested in me. Apart from three who were all total weirdos and anyone their right mind would turn down, it wasn't be being fussy.

Lots of my friends in happy hetrosexual relationships have helpfully suggested I might want to consider batting for the other side lately. Yes, because I can just change my sexual orientation Hmm

Stormtreader · 12/04/2017 14:50

And that is another facet of the single life - people seem to think that single = loaded. All the glamorous holidays we are so lucky to have to time to go on - they are bloody expensive when youre not sharing!

pushingthroughcracks · 12/04/2017 15:00

I certainly don't get attention. Admittedly, I am not often in situations where I might get it but in the last I didn't either. Perhaps I'm just not very attractive!

Ah yes, single = loaded After all, no ones paying the mortgage, electricity, phone bill, buying presents, car insurance or council tax!

OP posts:
BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 12/04/2017 15:02

I read this book, Its not you, 27 (wrong) Reasons you're single,and I quite liked it. She's married now but she described what's going on here.

www.amazon.com/Its-Not-You-Reasons-Single/dp/0399162879?tag=mumsnetforum-21

whatisgoingon1 · 12/04/2017 15:10

Council tax single person discount ,another annoying thing. You only get 25% off it,not 50% (as opposed to couple get 100%)
Ye single people (especially single parents ) are loaded NOT

MyPerfectCousin · 12/04/2017 16:06

I tried online dating. I found that the 'sweet shop mentality' was a very real thing. Also a lot of people seem to think that it's like shopping and that if you put in your shopping list for The Perfect Man/Woman, then you'll get it and anything less than that is rejected.

I have had 3 short relationships through OD and ended all of them because it had become apparent that I was too old for one, not slim enough for another and not attractive enough for another. Two of the three were prepared to 'settle' for me. I was not prepared to be settle for.

Online dating isn't something I wish to try again.

As for going to pubs/bars... I like pubs with real ale and live music. I do occasionally get approached in these places, but I'm not sure that, at 42, I want to meet the sort of man who's hitting on women in a pub.

chockaholic72 · 12/04/2017 16:15

The Council Tax thing really gets on my tits.

Here's my situation: 44, single, no parents, estranged from sibling, all friends married with kids, and I don't have any. Single for last 10 years. I'm a total introvert so very comfortable with my own company, possibly too comfortable if I'm honest.

When this first started happening to me, especially with my mates, I found it really hard to cope, especially as I'd just lost my dad (mum died when I was 23 and I still struggle with that even now). When you lose a parent you do sometimes learn who your friends are, so there was a certain amount of purging going on from my side. From 34 to 42 I really shut myself away, just read all weekend, or did the garden, and didn't make an effort because I felt that if other people didn't, then why should I. I'd never spent time with my best mate (she lives 35 miles away) without her and her husband and kids for fifteen years- they come as a group. Another single woman I met once summed it up perfectly - when your friends get married, and settle down, you are no longer a priority, you're an option, whereas they are still a priority to you. It's unbalanced and leaves you feeling let down. So you have to re-balance things.

So I realised I was being a bit stupid. I lowered my expectations a bit - asked if we could meet for coffee half way, just for an hour or so. To my surprise she said yes - she could do with a quick break. That's what we've done ever since, every couple of months. It's not perfect, but it's ok.

The other thing I discovered, was to learn how to do things on my own and enjoy them. I don't earn a fortune, but I do go on Exodus holidays; some of the European ones aren't too expensive, some have meals included, and some do cultural things instead of going shopping, so you don't even have the opportunity to do that. I have alternative stingy months and save my arse off to go. I went on a cycling holiday to Morocco (not everyone's taste, I know) and spent a grand total of £40 in the week. I don't go on them to meet a bloke, but they get me out, get me talking, and I have a holiday instead of disappearing up my own arse at home for a week, which I would probably otherwise do. Some of them are female-heavy, but I've never had a bad one, and usually have a really good laugh. They've stopped me feeling lonely, the women on them are usually awesome and make me realise that hey, life isn't too bad being single. Some of the women I meet are really inspiring, to be honest. They would like to meet someone (I know someone who went on one where there wasn't one bloke!) but they aren't going to stop living because they don't have one.

The other thing I've done is discover youth hostels! I know that sounds sad, but I discovered them by accident after needing to find a bed urgently when I had to stay in London and had no money. They are really pretty cheap when out of school hols, they're all over the place, really friendly, and most have food, or at least a kitchen where you can cook your own if you're shoe-stringing. Take a book, sit in the communal area, and see who's around. I use them a lot for walking in the Lakes and Peaks, and then find a guide who's doing a walk and book on to that. Doing stuff like that can feel v empowering if you're not used to it. Yeah, I'd like a kiss and a cuddle and someone to get heavy stuff with at IKEA and pick me up from the airport, but once you feel like you're getting out there, being single doesn't feel so bad. I've gone from feeling just like you, to thinking, if it happens, that's ok, and if it doesn't, that's ok too.

Whoops! Bit long, but hopefully helps.

MyPerfectCousin · 12/04/2017 16:19

One last thing...

I'd also be quite happy to go to pubs in the evening on my own in the absence of anyone else to go with. But I don't because a lot of men see a woman on her own at a bar and see "easy pickings".

Sometimes I'd just like to go and have a drink on my own without being hit on by someone who is thinking they might get lucky.

That's the other shit thing about being single. It can be hard to do things on your own.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 12/04/2017 16:24

Chock - my recently widowed mum is weirdly doing a lot of what you suggest Flowers I like your post

Stormtreader · 12/04/2017 16:26

Sometimes I'd just like to go and have a drink on my own without being hit on by someone who is thinking they might get lucky.

I have the opposite end of this - I can go anywhere on my own and am never hit on by anyone, I think I'm actually invisible.

pushingthroughcracks · 12/04/2017 16:26

That's a really good post chock, thanks. Certainly made me think about some of my prejudices that I suppose come from somewhere very deep inside.

It's also very true you are an option for friends while they are a priority for you.

OP posts:
MyPerfectCousin · 12/04/2017 16:52

It depends where you go to, Storm. The pub I like to go to locally is, sadly, a bit of a meat market.

If I go anywhere else, I get left alone!

But it's the above pub I'd like to go to on my own.

MyPerfectCousin · 12/04/2017 16:54

Chock yep, agree with some of those things. I go youth hosteling with my friends, my children and on my own and go to festivals and camping on my own.

You're absolutely right, you can strike up conversations with all sorts of people if you want to. And it's always lovely to meet new people.

It's not a relationship though...

Forwardsforwards · 12/04/2017 17:21

I couldn't tell you the last time I was approached by anyone.
Decades. And im only 41.
Last person to hit on me/ask me out was exDH, 16 years ago.

Grim.

lisaIambe · 12/04/2017 17:31

I've come to the painful conclusion that I am just too ugly for most guys to notice me at the grand old age of 22. I've been hit on a handful of times ever, all total creeps. Although I admit another problem is that every single guy I like in the right bracket (wouldn't want someone younger but have no issue with them being 10+ years older) is already taken :(

lisaIambe · 12/04/2017 17:31

Sorry op, doesn't help ou. You are 100% not on your own though.

MyPerfectCousin · 12/04/2017 17:40

Tbh, lisa you're incredibly unlikely to be "too ugly" at 22.

But I do think BadLad had a point upthread when he said that he talked about how you present yourself.

I had terribly low self esteem in my teens up until a couple of years ago as a result of my childhood, and it didn't occur to me that I could be atttractive. I think I've been quite 'striking' at times with my image, but not attractive. I'm more 'attractive' now because I dress for my shape and my hair colour suits my skin tone rather than my preference and I don't really wear any make up...

Not that it makes any difference, mind, but then I've got 20 years on you...

Stormtreader · 12/04/2017 17:41

I dont think its a case of being too ugly, its literally luck. Its taking the train that your future partner happens to also take, its making a random friend who invites you to a party where you meet them, its all just luck. If I'd gone to my second choice university, who knows? Its way easier when youre younger because so many more people are looking for more friends and are single.

On the upside, that lucky encounter is always possible so hope is never entirely lost.

JanetBrown2015 · 12/04/2017 17:44

After 20 years of marriage and some boyfriends since I like living on my own (with the children). I don't think I'd move someone in again.

However I have always liked my own company.

it's dead easy to get boyfriends though surely if you want that. There are plenty of good men out there. Just keep looking.

At my age (over 50) and when I was younger doing stuff on my own (even concerts in my teens by the way) I have always been happy with. I had a week abroad somewhere hot for example entirely alone in January - so alone there were not even shops near by by the way - so total isolation. It's wonderful.