To absolutely hate being single?

[pushingthroughcracks]

Sorry to be so pathetic and in many ways negative but stay with me.

I am battling a number of personal demons and I feel alone and unloved. I am trying really hard to make it different but unfortunately it isn't working!

I've not had a great time of late, I do try to speak to and text friends but they are almost always busy with their own families and it can become a difficult line between putting yourself out there for friendship and companionship and getting in people's way. I was surprised and a tiny bit put out when having driven for then best part of two hours on Monday to see a friend we had coffee and then just over an hour and a half later she cheerily got up and said she had to go because of reasons to do with her family. I didn't say anything because it isn't exactly helpful for future relations to whinge and whine about not spending a required number of hours with me, and perhaps she just hadn't thought that it took a not inconsiderable amount of time and money to see her. Anyway this is beside the point but I'm just trying to explain when I do try to initiate contact sometimes things don't go to plan!

I do try to get out of the house as much as possible. I live in a city and I do try to get involved and do as many things as possible but a lot of the time I end up in a position where I have to do things on my own and it isn't really much fun. As well as the impact on finances which is another source of stress: having to run a home - mortgage and all bills and car repairs and so on from one salary takes its toll.

I've joined over the past five years or so various dating websites - guardian soulmates and match.com and plenty of fish. None worked for me in the time I was on there. For some reason the only person wanting to strike up a conversation with me on match.com was a man from Manchester which is some 300 miles away from where I do live, and while I've nothing against Manchester as a place I would like to think there's someone amongst my millions of neighbours who I could have a relationship with! Yet I do feel I should be coupled up with one person and any social life should stem from doing things with other couples. This certainly seems to be the impression I have from scanning my eyes around those around me.

I do know, before anyone says, that loving with a cruel or neglectful or ignorant partner would be worse but that's not really what I'm about here.

I do volunteer work within my community, and I do have friends although they are somewhat scattered around this country and abroad and a couple of friendships are sadly waning a little at the moment despite attempts on my part to rekindle them. I also go to the gym but don't find this a social activity (I don't go with this expectation.)

So I do feel a little as if I am going around in circles where in order to meet someone in need to be a grounded individual with a sparkly social life yet having a sparkly social life when ones friends are coupled up and you have all the financial limitations of being single, is hard!

I am in a rut and don't want to go on like this but I don't know how to change things!

True enough about giving up! I just felt I was harming myself emotionally constantly popping up like a meerkat looking for prospects. The hope was doing my head in.

So far divorced men are not beating my door down. I think, too, that so many people are having kids later and then (men in particular) want to stay for the kids so they end up not divorcing till they're almost 60. I know a fair number of nice guys who didn't partner off till their late 30's, had kids in their early 40's, so (if unhappy) won't be divorcing for a bit (if unhappy, they look fine).

"But I worry there's a chance people assume if you're attractive & single it must be because your personality sucks."

Have you seen 3rd Rock from the Sun? "Such a gorgeous woman and unattached??You must have a SEVERE personality disorder..." Not laughing at you, more laughing at society here.

"I'm a nice person, just not good at parties, prefer deep conversations, etc."

Same here. I even flirt intellectually - and it has worked once. The reason I got so irritated with the 'chatty' comment before is that it's usually code word for "laughs at unfunny jokes and talks about crap". The poster might not have meant it like that however.

I HATE people (always in a relationship, oddly enough) who go for the 'but 50% of the population is men, there must be someone' line

I once told one of them yes, and all the nice ones I meet are already taken. She said then maybe I should think about settling for what I can have I know she was not deadly serious, but it didn't help

Ava at the Third Rock line.

I laugh at funny things but actually find the constant high-pitched laughing that some women do about everything kind of grating. One of the women in my office does this. "Kathy, we're out of staples, could you order some please?" "Hysterical laughing". It gets on my tits in a major way. Surely not all men find this appealing?!

I also think that people with partners who recommend volunteering as "you might meet someone and then you'll see how good you've got it" need to be sent to a reeducation centre Because a) the other volunteers are usually teenagers or old people, neither is my romance-target group, and b) I don't think people in need of help should be used to cheer us up about our own lot in life, that seems a tad creepy.

"Ava grin at the Third Rock line."

Best of all - it was delivered by John Cleese.

I have a really offbeat sense of humour: I don't laugh at many standard jokes, but when I do find something funny - I'm in uncontrollable hysterics to the point of pain .There's no in between...

Exactly, lizzie. I also think the volunteers who are in the middle age bracket are more likely to be stay at home mums. Or they are where I volunteer, anyway.

The other one that gets me is friends with partners who say yes, we'll have to do something this month etc, usually university holidays for me atm because most of my friends are still at uni/teach. I keep asking when and they keep saying oh, we'll sort it out nearer to the time. Then finally they say oh, sorry, we're in Poland visiting his parents that week, visiting my parents for a few days and then we're going to x, so I don't think I have time, sorry. Which is fine, I get that life can get hectic when you have a partner. But for goodness sake have the decency to at least warn me in advance when your plans start to stack up. One friend has done this three times in a row on me now :( I think it goes back to what someone said a few pages back, when your friends are in relationships you're an option to them, not a priority. And I get that. I really do. But it's bloody miserable when all your friends pull that stunt on you at the same time.

I worked in higher education but in a subject dominated by males so I bowled up to my first post with around 90% of the dept male. That was pretty darn handy.

I know lots of engineers and though there are more women engineers 25 years onwards it's still man heavy. These guys struggle to find women. That's part of the issue all these gendered work roles, it's
changing but slowly.

I always attract men and also women I'm actually a total nerd and was always mystified by it. My friend is a psychologist and she said some people have a natural magnetism about them, that they are without trying seductive, she didn't mean sexually. She said I'm like this though if I'm honest I don't see it.

Mainly due to years of study and being able to read at a superhuman speed means I can chip in to most topics of conversation.

"1) friend, actually an old colleague. 90 min for a coffee is not unreasonable, if you wanted more, you should have said so from the outset. "

The friend would have known she had an almost two hour drive to get there so it seems to me that the friend was being unreasonable. Would you let someone travel that long to see you if you didn't have much time?

"but 50% of the population is men, there must be someone' "

Not even true. Cities tend to have more women than men. More men than women are in prison and more are gay.

"Ava, I think you probably get me better than I get me, to be honest."

That's because I WAS you at your age, except with undiagnosed ASD tendencies and an abusive parent to top things off. I kept trying to 'fix
myself through superficial things to make myself 'normal'. Hated nightclubs too. I now realise it's because of the sensory problems - I can't even stand noisy restaurants. I'm only now coming out of that haze and slowly growing into my own skin.

I've always wanted to date/sleep with an older man too. It seems like it could be an option for you as you seem like a very old soul, but then there's the problem of avoiding sleazebags.

Yeah, I'd love to join in on a single gal holiday! Anyone wanna cruise?

Oh yes - SEX. A big fucking problem for me because I'm really strongly driven and my body hates me for the involuntary celibacy inflicted on it. There's also the fact that I've never had it before...Although theoretically and in terms of self-pleasure, I'm the world's most prepared virgin. Got everything figured out to a T. Just need a willing human to participate

"Mainly due to years of study and being able to read at a superhuman speed means I can chip in to most topics of conversation."

Ha, me too! I was sitting in class the other day reading a hand-out with everyone else. I finished and looked around - no one else had. Checked the back of the page thinking I missed something. Nope - it was blank. Keep looking around and waiting, and they're STILL all reading!!

Bummer that I'm not into engineering/IT. Those professions are a real magnet for Aspies - I'd feel at home.

"One of my male friends said, after I'd got together with my OH 'wow, so how did he manage to tame you?'"

That's nothing. After a temporary 'reunion' with an ex, a male friend said to me 'so you are human, after all'. He's a lovely friend, but what a thing to say!

"Not even true. Cities tend to have more women than men. More men than women are in prison and more are gay."

And the remaining population is further dwindled by bullies/abusers/misogynists/porn addicts/MRAs.

"And the remaining population is further dwindled by bullies/abusers/misogynists/porn addicts/MRAs."

I suppose a man could say that the women where he lives are flawed as well...

What does everybody do at Christmas time?

Family stuff, luckily pushing. Friends all plaster social media with trips to Winter Wonderland etc with their boyfriends which does make me feel like I'm missing out on something, but I'm never alone on the actual day, which I'm grateful for.

I do hate living with two couples though. (Parents, sibling and partner, who doesn't live here but is here A LOT). I can't afford to move out at least for the next 3 years and if I'm honest I didn't cope well at university in the house alone, so I'm not complaining about that. But living with two couples can be a bit... isolating, even though it's people to live with. If you want company in the evening and one pair is all over each other in front of the TV and the other is all over each other in another room, company isn't going to happen.

On the being at peace with yourself thing, the real Lisa Lambe probably saved me about 18 months ago. I don't think I knew who I was until I discovered her music (and the hair). Learned to be at peace with it all. She is very active on instagram and I so want to send her a message to tell her that, but she might think I'm insane.

Hi OP

I know it's awful but I would throw yourself back into OLD - maybe set at a time limit on how long you commit to doing it.

I did that a few years back before applying to adopt - it wasn't successful but I felt like I had given it my best shot.

I am now a 40 year old single Mum and I am much happier than I was in my 30s due to my son. It's strange that I have found a lot more men have been interested in me since I became a Mum but depressingly they are all married.

Like most of you fellow singletons I only have two single friends and neither of them are local to me - incidentally if any of you are in the London area my male single friend is really lovely...

On the rare occasion I do meet a single man I find that others can make the experience uncomfortable. I went on a rare night out with colleagues recently and found myself sitting next to my only other single colleague. There was a lot of nudge,nudge, wink, wink going on from the rest of the group which made the situation feel rather awkward - there is nothing going on between us and it was just embarrassing.

Lisa, the social media thing is one of the 100 reasons why I went cold turkey on SM 6 years ago and I'm never going back. It KILLS your self-esteem and ratchets up anxiety if you're the kind of offbeat young person that you come across as. I'd advise quitting or going light on it.

Gwen when I was looking at demographics for work I noticed there was a disproportionate number of men in a neighbouring ward. I thought I should go there more until I realised it was because of the prison based there....

That's funny Summer. When I mentioned the prison thing to a friend he said 'but that's not the group you'd be trying to attract anyway, is it?'. That's right of course, but it does still move the numbers against our favour.

It's not anything I'd ever thought about before but it makes sense!