To absolutely hate being single?

[pushingthroughcracks]

Sorry to be so pathetic and in many ways negative but stay with me.

I am battling a number of personal demons and I feel alone and unloved. I am trying really hard to make it different but unfortunately it isn't working!

I've not had a great time of late, I do try to speak to and text friends but they are almost always busy with their own families and it can become a difficult line between putting yourself out there for friendship and companionship and getting in people's way. I was surprised and a tiny bit put out when having driven for then best part of two hours on Monday to see a friend we had coffee and then just over an hour and a half later she cheerily got up and said she had to go because of reasons to do with her family. I didn't say anything because it isn't exactly helpful for future relations to whinge and whine about not spending a required number of hours with me, and perhaps she just hadn't thought that it took a not inconsiderable amount of time and money to see her. Anyway this is beside the point but I'm just trying to explain when I do try to initiate contact sometimes things don't go to plan!

I do try to get out of the house as much as possible. I live in a city and I do try to get involved and do as many things as possible but a lot of the time I end up in a position where I have to do things on my own and it isn't really much fun. As well as the impact on finances which is another source of stress: having to run a home - mortgage and all bills and car repairs and so on from one salary takes its toll.

I've joined over the past five years or so various dating websites - guardian soulmates and match.com and plenty of fish. None worked for me in the time I was on there. For some reason the only person wanting to strike up a conversation with me on match.com was a man from Manchester which is some 300 miles away from where I do live, and while I've nothing against Manchester as a place I would like to think there's someone amongst my millions of neighbours who I could have a relationship with! Yet I do feel I should be coupled up with one person and any social life should stem from doing things with other couples. This certainly seems to be the impression I have from scanning my eyes around those around me.

I do know, before anyone says, that loving with a cruel or neglectful or ignorant partner would be worse but that's not really what I'm about here.

I do volunteer work within my community, and I do have friends although they are somewhat scattered around this country and abroad and a couple of friendships are sadly waning a little at the moment despite attempts on my part to rekindle them. I also go to the gym but don't find this a social activity (I don't go with this expectation.)

So I do feel a little as if I am going around in circles where in order to meet someone in need to be a grounded individual with a sparkly social life yet having a sparkly social life when ones friends are coupled up and you have all the financial limitations of being single, is hard!

I am in a rut and don't want to go on like this but I don't know how to change things!

Thanks user. I know it does sound a little ridiculous from that perspective- it sounds silly but even if I were to have one very brief relationship now, that would probably stop a lot of my worry. I know 22 is early to not have met your soulmate, but I do think it's late to have never had any kind of boyfriend at all, never been kissed etc. There are people around me in superficial relationships I guess you could call them, but my close friends are all in long-term relationships. So I guess it's happened faster around me, so I've reached that stage where my friends are all less spontaneous because they have partners, I get invited to stuff where everyone talks to their partner all evening and I'm the single one a lot sooner. That's where I usually get the "have you considered you might have more luck with girls?" Comments

It's possibly worth pointing out that I've just lost one of my long-term single older role models. Her new boyfriend is wonderful, but I feel like I've lost that reassurance through seeing her that being in your 40s and single didn't have to be depressing and lonely. Which I know might not be me in 20 years at all, but again, I think I'll feel better if and when something finally happens. Even if it last 5 minutes. Right now I just can't help wondering if there's something wrong with me.

Roo I've taken that approach. I don't get lotsof, or even much, interest. I'm not the sort of woman men doing online dating are looking for. I think my interests make me the 'wrong sort' of woman, like I'm not doing 'being a woman' properly.

Borders it might be me you are responding to... that's exactly the approach I took. I don't have fixed ideas about 'type' and rarely find someone attractive on looks alone. When I was first single, 5 years ago, I only dated outside of my comfort zone extensively. Men I'd never have even considered before.

I learnt a lot about myself in that time and it was very valuable. But it wasn't successful.

I think that there are some very valid suggestions being made on here from reflecting on how you generally present yourself to the world to creating opportunities to meet new people and approaches to dating. Unfortunately, by the time you've been single for any amount of time, you're most likely to have considered all of these and acted upon them.

My biggest downfall, it appears, is that I am the wrong sort of woman. I'm just not 'generic' enough. And I have certain standards and expectations of men. Which many of them my age and older seem unable to meet themselves (generally in terms of attitudes towards women/social attitudes in general).

I'm not disputing it's excellent advice :) I think the problem is i am just tired of getting my hopes up.

lisa speaking candidly here now - if I was 22 again, I would commit myself to finding somebody. I made the mistake of focusing on my career.

Don't put yourself down - that comes across a bit in your posts on this thread. Confidence is such an important factor and I didn't realise this until a few years ago

I also don't understand the confidence thing. I've had more men express surprise that I'm confident when I'm not slim or beautfiul than I have be attracted to it.

I made a decision a few years ago to never be self critical because I met someone who did this and, in the end, I couldn't see the whole person (who was actually very attractive) and could only see a collection of imperfections. I realised how easily it was done, and haven't done it since. Makes no difference.

I was reading something on elephant journal a moment ago about ''why you're still single'' and all it had to offer was the usual ''love yourself''.

To be honest I reckon far more people who don't love themselves are in relationships, precisely because they don't love themselves enough to walk away and start again.

It's also another way of making it your fault and I don't think it is when I think of he numerous people with low esteem in relationships.

it's more about people to do nothing with not people to do things with

This.

Although I don't have people to do things with either. I posted a few days ago asking for ideas on how to make more friends—I have two, plus social anxiety, work alone and don't have money to go out and socialise much. Didn't get a single response.

So no advice, sorry, just wanted to say I empathise, admire your stoicism and completely understand the loneliness and hating being single (I'm in a rather shaky LDR and completely alone the rest of the time).

And I don't live in the UK so a lot of the suggested options just don't apply here. But watching with interest in case anyone does have any realistic potential solutions!

Best of luck, OP.

Lisa, I'm a bit confused by your references to your height as a bad thing. 5 foot 7 = only 170cm. I'm 173.5 cm, never been called mannish and always thought of my height as a sexy quality (model-like). Long legs are fantastic! I'd kill to have your hair colour too - I tried to dye it like that once, and it came out carrot orange (eventually faded to blonde). I feel like you're just finding things to hang your poor self-esteem on, like I used to with socially induced body anxiety in my early 20s. I'm finally well and truly over that in late 20s, and am more positive in terms of sexual/romantic prospects now (though nothing's happened yet).

I agree about the comment by 1 poster about not performing femininity well enough. That's what I feel like too:
I present girly on a superficial level (colourful clothes, earrings, perfume), but that's as far as my typical femininity goes. I've been told by 1 psychologist that I have a 'masculine brain'. I could never be the 'feminine' partner in a couple - my male partner would have to do the emotional labour, household organizing etc. And where the hell do I find someone like that?

ATM, I'm just hoping to establish a good FWB relationship. This is complicated by the fact that I'm slightly in love with a man so much older than me that nothing romantic could be possible there. Only friendship is feasible (NOT FWB), and even that's awkward with such a huge age gap.

The travel thing really sucks. I really want to go on a cruise, but guess what: cruise companies don't offer single cabins!! That's right - you either share a double bed with a lover, or a cabin with single beds with a friend.

Joy to the world

LIsa, you seem to be like me - an overthinker, and mature for your age (which can make life REALLY lonely in your 20s).

"This is complicated by the fact that I'm slightly in love with a man so much older than me that nothing romantic could be possible there."

I seem to have missed him on the time continuum. Why couldn't he have been born 15-20 years later, damn it??

Ava There are no some ships with single cabins now, some lines have cottoned on to the single pound. I think Norwegian are good on this. Of course you pay more than if you were half of a couple...

Some of us need to get together and have a holiday (I know it's not as easy as that.)

I've concluded actually the less I do the less I want to do, so there is something to be said for keeping busy. And exercise - I never, ever want to go to the gym, but I am always so pleased I did.

Self care - sometimes if I know I'm in the flat all day it's hard for me to get the motivation to shower. Grim, really. The gym forces me to shower. I don't want to smell myself!

Lisa, do you have any plans for meeting someone? I am living vicariously through you

I worry about being in my 50s/60s and being very lonely and regretting my childless stage.

Regarding the extroversion/introversion - of course it's not just shy vs outgoing. But a strong introvert has finite energy to keep up the 'bubbly' facade, especially if you have Aspie traits with severe anxiety, like I do. I've tried to keep up that sociable mask up through most of my 20s and it burnt me out (I suspect that my CFS is partly to do with it).

I know all the tricks of appearing 'normal' but I will not cripple myself with the constant effort ever again. I don't get this whole 'appear approachable' thing myself, because I never judge people by that. I observe them and look at their substance, energy, what they have to say. 'Chattiness' is never a criteria for me in how much I'll like a person, so I would not value a person who would judge me by that either.

Well, conceded but I think Aspergers is a completely separate matter. Extrovert/introvert isn't as straightforward. I am both.

By 'mature', I meant 'old soul', not 'socially mature'.

I think two things about online dating. One is that I am profoundly uncomfortable with selling myself as if I was writing an advertising campaign - it feels big-headed and weird for me. The second thing is that I suspect that for a lot of men (& women) a better site member is just around the corner. Keep swiping, check in tomorrow. She looked okay, but someone better will appear. So people don't want to bother as they all think they can do better.

Also, a few posters have said that by middle age only gorgeous women get a look in. I'm not gorgeous but can be beautiful at times (I am told, and often enough that I think it is not just people propping up my ego, sort of big eyes heavy lidded French look - the French may be that my hair is a mess :D). Sometimes I wonder if that puts people off- I've had people jokingly say "you're so gorgeous, why haven't you been snapped up? What's wrong with you?!" Haha, very amusing. But I worry there's a chance people assume if you're attractive & single it must be because your personality sucks. Mine doesn't, I'm a nice person, just not good at parties, prefer deep conversations, etc.

When I think of how hopeful I was when I first divorced! I was younger, prettier, full of optimism that after an abusive exh it was my turn to have some time in the sun, to be loved and love in a healthy relationship. I feel sorry for that woman as the years when it gradually dawned on me that I'd never meet him hurt. I'm more used to it now, but it still makes me sad. I have an occasional fwb, but yearn to be in a couple. Do nothing together, hold someone's hand on a walk, eat dinner together, share tasks, have sex more often. Blah.

Most Aspies are introverts.

God, I miss sex!

ONSs don't do it for me, at all!

I to split from an abusive twat 9 years ago believing that I would soon find a nice man to get into another relationship with.
I was still young full of optimism.....
now I'm here 9 years later older and still single that optimism fading day by day.....
and guess what abusive ex has remarried more kids seems happy.......where is the justice in that?......
But all you ladies seem lovely so it's nice to know singledom can happen to anyone and it's quite a big problem for a lot of people in our society.

lizzie how old are you by the way if you don't mind me asking?

I'm in my early 50's.

pushing I'll totally come on holiday with you. Just give me a while to save up and I'm so there Ava, want to join?

I completely know what you mean about not wanting to do anything when you don't have stuff on. Lots of people think my schedule is crazy, but I know I'm happiest when I have lots of things planned. I wouldn't say I have friends as such at the hobbies I go to, but it's people that I interact with every week, if that makes sense. I find that can make a big difference when you're feeling lonely. I've also found my language class is brilliant for making friends. I picked a weird second language credit so I get to do it in an evening class. It's great. We're all from completely different walks of life, but every week we struggle over the grammar together.

Ava the height thing comes less from my height now, more from that I've been this height since I was 10 if that makes sense. I was constantly told I was huge until I was about 15 and everyone caught me up, and a lot of the time that was equated to masculinity. Lots of little examples, one is the hairdresser my mum went to at the time wouldn't let me have my hair longer than a pudding bowl cut until I was 10 and she finally caved, because 'big girls shouldn't have long hair.' She would then sit there cutting my hair telling me that her own daughter liked her hair long like a princess. I wanted princess hair :( Just lots of little things like that made me very very self-conscious about it, from the age of about 6 people were telling me I would struggle to get a boyfriend when I was grown up. Ouch. Probably why none of the ginger nastiness ever pissed me off much as a child, I might be the only redhead who never hated her hair. Too busy hating my height! It did cross over into body image issues, most of that is dealt with now.

No pushing, you can't live through me, we're going to find you someone too! No real plans, to be honest. I have a few weeks of exams ahead of me and then I'm done for the summer, starting at a new place in October. Current plan is to see what happens for the time being, I'm not making an effort to look as such, but when situations arise that could be good for meeting someone I'll try to make the most of them. Then start over in October. Although the field I'm going into, all the senior women seem to be single. Which doesn't exactly bode well :( I would love to meet someone at church but I'm a convert where I go, so far the men seem to want to stick to the born into the community women. Sigh. I guess the simple solution would be to switch to a more mainstream 'British' denomination, but it's not as easy as that. I've never really done the mainstream thing. How is POF working out so far? I know someone who had success on OKCupid. Don't know much about it though.

Ava, I think you probably get me better than I get me, to be honest. I was a very unhappy teenager. Didn't like most stuff I was 'supposed' to like, tried to conform but there was only so far I was willing to go. I don't do nightclubs, which made my first degree a very lonely experience. Hate them. I've tried, but everything about them I hate. Life is too short. At 18 I met my honorary big sister, who basically showed me it was ok not to fit with the mainstream, do what you want, like what you want, screw everyone who says you're this age, you must like this etc. It was a long process, but I'm much happier in myself now than I've ever been. Unfortunately, it's made it more obvious when I don't fit with the stereotype of my age bracket. I've posted on here a lot over the years under various different usernames, and most mners I've found to be very welcoming. But I've also had a lot who have been very dismissive of me, felt I'm not entitled to an opinion if my age comes up, told me I should be out getting drunk like they were at my age. Lots of taking issue with me being a student, which I find absolutely bizarre given the number of student parents on here. Stuff like that. I joined this site when I first went to university because I was lonely as hell and wasn't finding it easy to get on with people my own age. In some ways it's been a godsend, in others not so much. At the end of the day I think you're completely right, your 20s are lonely if you don't conform. But at the same time I wouldn't go back to being as unhappy as I was as a teenager for anything.

The weird thing is though that I'm not even failing at the relationship thing because I'm not 'normal.' Guys my age look right past me long before we get onto hobbies and interests. I want to date someone older than me, really. But given the guy from the gasboard asked if I was feeling ready for my GCSEs the other day, older guys wanting to date me might be a long way off!

the reason I asked about age is some people (mainly women) get to a certain age and then seem to give up all hope of dating.
I know from 50 onwards a lot of men get divorced.