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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to pack DH and the kids' cases?

753 replies

Confuso · 11/04/2017 17:35

A friend who is normally lovely has just turned on me out of the blue. I've had her 7 year old DD here all day which is absolutely fine as she is good friends with my DD. My older two have been mooching around and I've been mainly in "project pack" as we're going on holiday tomorrow night.

When my friend came to collect at 4pm, she had to come upstairs and drag her DD out of our wardrobe because she was playing a hiding game. In the midst of this she suddenly started on me, saying she couldn't believe I was actually ironing and packing for DH. Haven't I got enough to do with the kids? I should stop acting like a bloody martyr because this man doesn't know he's born and never did. Her 12 year old packs his own stuff like any other capable child and I should stop pandering to the lot of them. I have been making a rod for my own back for too long and DH is on another planet Shock There was more as well.

Don't most people pack for the family if you're going away and AIBU to think I'm not weird and wonder what all that was about? I feel quite upset tbh as I've had her DD for 2 days and that's how she speaks to me.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 12/04/2017 06:58

I wouldn't like him because I'd feel he was treating me like a servant. Same as I wouldn't like him if he expected me to do all the cooking and/or housework.

farfarawayfromhome · 12/04/2017 07:11

i always pack for DH - but i'm one of those weird people who absolutely LOVES packing. travel is one of my greatest pleasures and i love every element leading up to it. we travel a lot too...

skerrywind · 12/04/2017 07:11

I sometimes pack for OH, he would take too much, and I want the allowance to be used for me & the kids.

And I do 90% of the housework, OH has never used the washing machine while we have been together ( I must have caught the 1950s)

plutohasfeelingstoo · 12/04/2017 07:12

I wish dh would let me do his packing. He wants to do it himself which is fair enough but he leaves it to the last minute and it stresses me out. Never mind what she says if you're happy doing it and your dh is happy there's no problem!

Naicehamshop · 12/04/2017 07:26

The problem is that you get threads like this where people say things like "my dh doesn't even know how to use the washing machine". Ok. Then you get a thread saying my "dh doesn't do anything in the house, it's totally unfair." Ok. On and on, round and round.

Do all of you who accept that you do all th shit work for your dh not realise that you are teaching your dc that this sort of thing is acceptable, and that they will grow up with the same outdated attitudes?

RhiWrites · 12/04/2017 07:26

I hope I'm not infantalising anyone or re-creating the 50s. I don't think we're particularly unusual. I don't know?

OP I'm afraid you do sound rather like a surrendered wife. If this is what works for you, fair enough. But since you asked you do sound committed to traditional gender roles.

You cook, clean and sort out childcare. You make all holiday arrangements and pack cases.

Your husband deals with electronics, gardening, driving. And you don't want to bother him because of his important job where he works hard.

This is all from your posts.

So yes, I do think you're recreating the 1950s. You've said nothing about equality or sharing or independence. I'm not telling you how to live your life but it's not a way of life that appeals to me.

exLtEveDallas · 12/04/2017 07:31

I happily pack DHs and DDs cases for holidays. I'm not downtrodden or a Stepford wife, and he's not hopeless. It's just what I do and it's no-one else's business. It's pathetic how 'right on' some people need to be on here. What works in one household might not work in another, neither way is wrong, just different.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 12/04/2017 07:33

Each to their own, who gives a shit really. Your friend is incredibly rude and she's obv got her own issues going on.

My teen DDs have ironed and packed their own stuff since approx their year 6 school trip but do bugger all else around the house unless nagged to death. Maybe it would have been more useful to have them doing daily chores and leave the occasional packing to me.

Bluntness100 · 12/04/2017 07:33

Ecur - it doesn't take long and if you don't take stuff out and hang it it needs ironing

Op and who has to do that ironing? Is it you? You iron his clothes and pack them, if they needed ironing again on holiday, would it be your job to do it?

strawberrygate · 12/04/2017 07:34

These people who never do stuff for their husbands; ever wondered why divorce rates are so high? My DH does stuff for me, I do stuff for him. Don't understand the problem

skerrywind · 12/04/2017 07:34

Do all of you who accept that you do all th shit work for your dh not realise that you are teaching your dc that this sort of thing is acceptable, and that they will grow up with the same outdated attitudes?

No I am not teaching that.

I have far more time in which to do housework. My OH does what he can when he is home. He works long hours and if often away.
I enjoy lots of free time when he doesn't.
If it was me working long hours then my OH would be doing the majority of the housework.

Ecureuil · 12/04/2017 07:36

Does anyone on here's DH/DP choose their clothes/underwear/shoes for them to take on holiday and pack them?

Anyone?

skerrywind · 12/04/2017 07:37

Yes,- because !. OH doesn't give a shit what her wears on holiday, and 2.. he has very few clothes.

Original poster
Confuso · 12/04/2017 07:47

Good morning! I'm not surrendered to anything, I don't think Confused To be honest, he travels a lot, most weeks in fact and it's tiring, so I do what I can to make it easier for him. He does things for me that make my life easier. I can sort of see how it might look quite "traditional" from the outside, but it doesn't feel unbalanced overall. Yes it would be good if he cooked or something once in a while, but I'm not going to ask him to do that when he gets in at 8pm. A lot of it is due to time pressure, as well as habit, I guess.

OP posts:
BluePeppersAndBroccoli · 12/04/2017 07:47

I don't pack for my DH nor do I pack for my dcs.
Dcs are 13 and 11yo and I haven't been doing that for a while now.
With the dcs, I do remind them what we are going to do, to take x and y if it's something special or they might not think about it (e.g. Take a hat and gloves when we went to Scotland). Apart from that, no. They are more than capable to do that themselves.

As for DH, apart form the fact he can do it, I'm sure he also appreciate to be able to chose whatever he is going to wear. I know I would hate someone deciding that for me!!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 12/04/2017 07:50

None of her business. Having said that, it would never occur to me to pack for Dh - he only ever takes hand baggage however long he's going for and has it down to a fine art.

I have a friend who always packs for her Dh, because the one time she didn't, he forgot some essential item and sulked for a couple of days because of having to go and buy replacements.

I would have thought that was the best way for him to learn, but I kept my mouth shut.

I would never expect kids to pack for themselves - they'd be bound to forget something you then have to buy, and if there's one thing that makes me mad it's having to go and buy something that's sitting at home.
I did once forget to pack any knickers, and had to go searching Prague - thank God there was an M&S in the centre.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 12/04/2017 07:53

I used to pack everything for me, kids, DH.

I love doing it.

I made sure everything was washed and ironed too. The start of the holiday process for me. Very exciting.

Now kids are teens, I obviously don't. And DH has decided to do his own packing, the git.

operaha · 12/04/2017 07:57

Both work ft here. Dh does all washing (no ironing in this house) and i genuinely don't know how to use the washing machine.

We pack our own stuff, i think it is a bit strange to pack for another adult.

11 yo ds has to do his own too. He writes a list and ticks off as he goes.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 12/04/2017 08:02

There's something rather child-like to not deciding what clothes you will wear - so of course if you aren't in charge of choosing your own clothes to take away, it does put your DP in the "parent" role of deciding for you what you'll be dressed in for a week.

But it's very common. Lots of woman do take over from their DPs mothers in a whole range of areas that seem "parenting" to me when they move in together.

It seems bizarre to me, but then I find men who want to be "mothered" a bit odd and unattractive so would never have ended up in that sort of relationship. Different people want different things from a partner. Which is handy!

dementedpixie · 12/04/2017 08:04

My dh does choose his clothes to take but I do the packing. I distribute them throughout several cases in case one goes missing. Same with the kids too

Original poster
Confuso · 12/04/2017 08:05

Ecur - he isn't bothered about me choosing his clothes because it's obvious what he wears. He doesn't have a way out fashion sense. To answer your question, I would iron his stuff if needed on holiday, I admit that, but in general I'm not a "slave to the iron" as I take most stuff to the dry cleaners. Plus I have a cleaner twice a week so I think I can manage the ironing there is.

OP posts:
skerrywind · 12/04/2017 08:05

I don't think you can generalise.

I buy moist of OHs clothes for him. He is not an infant, he is a grown up man.
He doesn't give a shit what he wears on holiday.

Brokenbiscuit · 12/04/2017 08:07

Your friend was rude. It's none of her business who does the packing for your family.

That said, I am surprised to hear that people pack for other adults and older children. This wouldn't occur to me. DH has always packed for himself. DD "helped" when she was little and has been doing it entirely by herself since she was about 8.

I'd be irritated if DH couldn't pack properly by himself, as he is a grown adult. However, if it doesn't bother you, then I guess you should keep at it. I do think you should get your older children to do their own packing though - I think it's important for them to take responsibility for their own stuff.

RainbowPastel · 12/04/2017 08:10

My DH packs for himself and always has. I packed for the children until they were about 8 they have been doing their own since. I am a SAHM if it makes any difference.

DameDeDoubtance · 12/04/2017 08:10

She was rude but she was right, your son will grow up expecting women to pack for him. Let them pack their own stuff, if they pack incorrectly they will learn from the experience. We have a big toiletries bag and everyone puts their stuff in, then a big bag which everyone takes turns to pack their stuff in, then we unpack at the end. that way packing is no big deal for any of us and I don't have to plan other people outfits, it's up to them.

It's your life bur it's really important that kids don't see women always doing this stuff or they expect it.