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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to pack DH and the kids' cases?

753 replies

Confuso · 11/04/2017 17:35

A friend who is normally lovely has just turned on me out of the blue. I've had her 7 year old DD here all day which is absolutely fine as she is good friends with my DD. My older two have been mooching around and I've been mainly in "project pack" as we're going on holiday tomorrow night.

When my friend came to collect at 4pm, she had to come upstairs and drag her DD out of our wardrobe because she was playing a hiding game. In the midst of this she suddenly started on me, saying she couldn't believe I was actually ironing and packing for DH. Haven't I got enough to do with the kids? I should stop acting like a bloody martyr because this man doesn't know he's born and never did. Her 12 year old packs his own stuff like any other capable child and I should stop pandering to the lot of them. I have been making a rod for my own back for too long and DH is on another planet Shock There was more as well.

Don't most people pack for the family if you're going away and AIBU to think I'm not weird and wonder what all that was about? I feel quite upset tbh as I've had her DD for 2 days and that's how she speaks to me.

OP posts:
skerrywind · 12/04/2017 08:14

has been doing it entirely by herself since she was about 8.

Yes, but an 8 year old may have no idea what to take. Going to a much hotter/colder/beach holiday, us as grown ups know the conditions we will encounter/ how formal/informal a resort will be and from experience pack appropriately.
Your 8 year old must be very wise to be able to figure all that out on her own- often I get it a bit wrong and I am an adult.

Shockers · 12/04/2017 08:15

Your friend saw what was happening this holiday.

If she'd come to my house last week, she'd have seen a similar scenario. If she'd come to my house before the October half term, she'd have seen the reverse.

If she'd commented on either, I'd have been Hmm. It's none of her business!

Shockers · 12/04/2017 08:17

Although when he packed for our honeymoon, I had 6 pairs of socks, 3 bras and no knickers...

shovetheholly · 12/04/2017 08:20

It sounds to me like your friend was well-meaning, and trying to protect you from 'wife-work'. Perhaps she didn't intend it to be disrespectful to you, more to make you question the division of labour in the house. (I'm not saying for one second she handled the conversation well - clearly, she upset you - just that her intentions may not have been nasty!)

I do think that dame is right - the way that we role model gender roles for children has a longstanding effect on their expectations. Which means all this is fine if this is a one-off, but that you might want to consider her views in a bit more depth if it isn't.

IamRonnieBiggs · 12/04/2017 08:20

We share suitcases so how else do we do it - we had one suitcase go missing for days once with all of DHs stuff - so we split everything in case it happens again
DH has to pile it up and I split ours and DDs clothes and put them in - no big deal

Neverpeelmushrooms · 12/04/2017 08:21

I generally pack for the family. Dp and big dc get out what they want to take and I pack it along with mine and the baby's. I do sometimes make a few adjustments to the dc's but they're usually pretty good. Dp gets his stuff out in about 5 seconds flat whereas I make a bit more of a palava of it, wanting to take ALL my summer clothes, trying on different outfits, sorting through what I've decided on and reducing it further... Blush

magimedi · 12/04/2017 08:24

DH puts his stuff out on the bed, as do I.

I then pack & split our stuff between two cases. It is a really good idea if you are flying, just in case Grin one bag goes AWOL.

I do the packing as I am better at getting more stuff in.

DameDeDoubtance · 12/04/2017 08:26

magi, that's brilliant!

Catsize · 12/04/2017 08:30

My partner often packs for all of us. Mainly because she is the sahp and I work daft hours. But also because she gets more stressed about these things and can't cope with my attitude of doing my packing 20mins before we need to leave. Usually I'll put my own stuff out. I'd prefer to do my own packing, as we have had some clothing disasters as a result of her doing it in the past. And she massively over packs for the kids.

Brokenbiscuit · 12/04/2017 08:32

Yes, but an 8 year old may have no idea what to take. Going to a much hotter/colder/beach holiday, us as grown ups know the conditions we will encounter/ how formal/informal a resort will be and from experience pack appropriately.
Your 8 year old must be very wise to be able to figure all that out on her own- often I get it a bit wrong and I am an adult.

She is 11 now, and very sensible. We travel a lot, to various different places and climates, and obviously we talk about what the weather will be like, whether or not we'll need to dress up for anything, whether we'll be doing activities that might require specific items of clothing, whether we'll have laundry facilities etc. So she knows what to expect and then she packs whatever she needs. I used to check her stuff but stopped a few years ago because I found that she always has what she needs - the only time I've ever had to buy something for her while travelling was an extra jacket in a location that was much colder than we had anticipated - and that was when she was younger and I had packed for her.

RitaMills · 12/04/2017 08:34

It's all about balance Naicehamshop, my DP genuinely wouldn't know how to work the washing machine so I do all the washing but to balance that I never go near the iron. I do all the washing during the day then DP looks out all our clothes and irons them at night for the next day. Holiday packing is the same, we both look everything out, I wash it all, he irons it all and folds it, I put it all into cases and sort the toiletries.

BluePeppersAndBroccoli · 12/04/2017 08:35

skerry at 8yo, I told my dcs what they needed to take. So let's say 4tshirts, 3 pairs of pants etc....
They packed what they needed in their own bags.
It didn't take long for them to know the basics really.

BluePeppersAndBroccoli · 12/04/2017 08:36

broken same experience with my own dcs.

I think sometimes we put our dcs down by thinking they can't do things they are perfectly capable off.

Tumilnaughts · 12/04/2017 08:38

I did once and apparently didn't pack all the 'right' things Shock. So I told him if that was the case then he could do it himself from now on.

It's your business what you do for your DH and DC's and nobody else's.

Brokenbiscuit · 12/04/2017 08:38

I think sometimes we put our dcs down by thinking they can't do things they are perfectly capable off.

Yes indeed.

motherinferior · 12/04/2017 08:38

It is, in fact, quite possible to get in and cook at 8pm. My partner does from time to time.

And he could certainly cook at the weekends.

It's quite a jammy deal, working as many hours as you want in a presumably interesting and demanding job, while someone else does all the backup for you. No wonder so many blokes do it. Envy

Original poster
Confuso · 12/04/2017 08:39

Ok I'm starting to think maybe I have underestimated the DCs and need to let them get on with it and deal with the consequences. Thanks for the perspectives.

OP posts:
Whathaveilost · 12/04/2017 08:41

Blimey. It is nothing to do with your friend how you do things and what works for yoy.

With dh being self employed and working right up to the last minutes and me having a lot more free time i tend to hsve my bag packed and down stairs and all thr papers in order and have his basics out eg enough socks undies on the bed swim stuff out,hiking boots nearby etc and then he sorts out everything else. Team work you see.
With rrgard to the kids i haven't done theur oavking since they were 10. In the early days i would ask them if they had remembered pjs for example and ghey would rush back upstairs. Just do what's best for your situation.

Original poster
Confuso · 12/04/2017 08:42

mothsringsrior - I do know what you're saying btw.

OP posts:
inappropriateraspberry · 12/04/2017 08:43

My DH picks his clothes, but I pack it. Otherwise he'll forget something! I'm the one making sure we have all the extra bits and bobs - headphones, cards etc. I'd probably pack with my daughter as she gets older so she learns what to do, but would still double check it!
It's up to you how you do it. I'm a SAHM too, so have more time in the day to sort it all out (and make a bit of a mess). If it works for you, then carry on!

Original poster
Confuso · 12/04/2017 08:43

Motherinferior even!

OP posts:
motherinferior · 12/04/2017 08:44
Grin
DarklyDreamingDexter · 12/04/2017 08:45

I always did the packing for my exH, although my new partner likes to do it himself. Yep, still packing for my kids, now well into their late teens. If I didn't they'd go off on hols with two pairs of pants and a t-shirt at most! What is the point in letting them go away without the right stuff, just to make a point?

Your friend is a cheeky mare. Whether you pack for your family or not is up to you and no one else's business.

FurryLittleTwerp · 12/04/2017 08:46

She sounds quite nasty - it's not up to her to dictate what happens in someone else's home, regardless of what she thinks of it!

I packed once for DH - we'd only been married a few months - he asked me to as he'd been too busy & was running late - he hated everything I chose for the holiday & moaned about the way I'd packed it Shock so it never happened again.

Little was I to know in those early days that "being too busy & running late" is just how he functions - so infuriating & stressful to watch, & a real pain when he's packing all over our bed the night before travelling so I end up kipping on the settee Hmm Angry

motherinferior · 12/04/2017 08:46

I don't want to be part of a team where I have to rootle around with my partner's pants and socks! If he started burrowing around with mine I would get irrationally annoyed.

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