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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to pack DH and the kids' cases?

753 replies

Confuso · 11/04/2017 17:35

A friend who is normally lovely has just turned on me out of the blue. I've had her 7 year old DD here all day which is absolutely fine as she is good friends with my DD. My older two have been mooching around and I've been mainly in "project pack" as we're going on holiday tomorrow night.

When my friend came to collect at 4pm, she had to come upstairs and drag her DD out of our wardrobe because she was playing a hiding game. In the midst of this she suddenly started on me, saying she couldn't believe I was actually ironing and packing for DH. Haven't I got enough to do with the kids? I should stop acting like a bloody martyr because this man doesn't know he's born and never did. Her 12 year old packs his own stuff like any other capable child and I should stop pandering to the lot of them. I have been making a rod for my own back for too long and DH is on another planet Shock There was more as well.

Don't most people pack for the family if you're going away and AIBU to think I'm not weird and wonder what all that was about? I feel quite upset tbh as I've had her DD for 2 days and that's how she speaks to me.

OP posts:
user1471558436 · 11/04/2017 22:23

The kids run round collecting everything from the list

Renaissance2017 · 11/04/2017 22:26

Oh OP!!! It's mumsnet! The golden rule is that you must never, ever do anything for your husband lest you catch the dreaded '1950s'.

Meanwhile in the real world we all do stuff for our OHs because we actually like the people we are married to!

FoodieToo · 11/04/2017 22:27

Wouldn't dream of packing for my husband. He's an adult!
Kids ( except the youngest ) all pack their own bags from a typed list presented by me !!!
Kids are 14, 12, 10, 8 and six.

user1471558436 · 11/04/2017 22:29

I do lots for my husband but it would never cross my mind to pack his stuff. How do you know what he wants to take?

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 11/04/2017 22:31

I do not understand packing for an adult. My Husband is shit at packing. i still dont pack for him. He once forgot to pack tops to go on safari for a few days! He had to buy very expensive tshirts in the middle
Of nowhere in Kenya. Now he always packs Tshirts. My mum was shocked i let him pack for Himself. Let him?! Wtf! He is an adult. He is capable at work. My parents have had a row today over what time to set off on hols next week. My mum complained she has to do everything like pack. I said he should pack for Himself. She complained he wouldnt do it properly. I said so what thats his problem. She complained again. Martyr.

motherinferior · 11/04/2017 22:35

If I had to do his packing I wouldn't like him any more, though.

I'm not sure how much I 'do for him' overall, to be honest.

LaContessaDiPlump · 11/04/2017 22:38

I would guess that she works and you don't, right? So you've very kindly had her DD for two days in the holiday while your friend was working (Reason 1 for your friend to feel guilty/sad/cross), then her DD was loving it so much that she didn't want to leave (Reason 2 for friend to feel G/S/C) and to top it all off you were looking after your family (packing for them) in a way she doesn't have time for because of all the work (Reason 3 for G/S/C).

I would guess that she's feeling tired, guilty and resentful and that it bubbled over into PackingGate. You haven't done a thing wrong OP, and I don't think her outburst was about you. I say that as a WOHM who only packs for herself and the small DC!

I'd leave it wrt a text - if she's a decent sort she will be apologetic next time you see her. If not then maybe reconsider the friendship.

NowtAbout · 11/04/2017 22:39

I have fallen into the 1950s! Why the hell would I pick out clothes for a grown man.

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuck · 11/04/2017 22:40

I wouldn't dream of packing for DH, I stopped packing for the older DC when they were about 12.

Original poster
Confuso · 11/04/2017 22:40

Melj -its a little bit like that tbh.

Renaissance - thankyou. Well that's what I thought Hmm

Mother - why would you not like him any more? There are things I refuse to do or notice - like gardening. Should DH not like me anymore?

OP posts:
NabobsFromNobHill · 11/04/2017 22:41

I honestly wouldn't want a marriage where I had to pack for my DH

I wouldn't want one where I HAD to either, but who is suggesting OP has no choice in the matter?

I pack for OH. He does absolutely loads of things for me, this is one job I happen to be much better at and don't mind. Why shouldn't I?

I think so people are so het up at the idea of "women doing things for men" that they forget we're not all put upon martyrs forced into looking after men (although some might be). I choose to do certain things for my OH, he chooses to do certain things for me, we choose to do things together.
That is no-one elses business. The people assuming that its a bad thing or somehow unfeminist are really just insulting women who make different choices.

NowtAbout · 11/04/2017 22:43

But I wouldn't expect him to pack for me either unless I were physically unable. Also the DC need to learn to do things for themselves and packing well is a good skill.

Original poster
Confuso · 11/04/2017 22:45

Thanks LaContessa - I hadn't thought if it like that. She is not an obnoxious person at all and if she was her comments wouldn't have bothered me. She would help me out too and has in the past.

OP posts:
underneaththeash · 11/04/2017 22:49

DH gets some t-shirt out and a couple of shirts and trousers for the evening and then I do the rest.
We've had too many holidays where we've been trapsing around trying to find something he's forgotten in his size (he's 6'5"). Trying to find shoes in a size 14 in the Caribbean one year was particularly memorable.
One year he forgot to take a coat to my parents up north, in November and then did the same thing the following Feb!
He has lots of good points, but packing sensibly isn't one of them.

228agreenend · 11/04/2017 22:50

Nabobs - well explained. I tried writing something similar, but it came out wrong.(and also Renissence)

AuditAngel · 11/04/2017 22:54

I persuade DH to pick what he wants to take and put it in a laundry basket. I pick for the kids, then usually I share the things between the suitcases so if one goes missing, nobody is left with nothing.

The only time I didn't do this, was for a cruise when DS and DD1 were sharing a cabin with MIL, I had put a couple of outfits in our case and the rest got lost and took a week to catch us up.

PoohBearsHole · 11/04/2017 22:57

i ensure dh puts his clothes out to pack, then i remove things. this means i get more shoes/clothes/makeup that i want in 😁 also he will put out 10 pairs of socks for a weekend 🙄. same with children the choose, i then remove lego and add underwear 😜

Voice0fReason · 11/04/2017 23:04

I cannot imagine any circumstance where I would pack for my DH. He's a grown man, he is far better placed to do it himself.

I wouldn't be doing my kids any favours if I packed for them, they have to learn to do it for themselves.
I involved them from about 5 years old and by the time they were 10 they were doing it independently (although my eldest double checked with me that he'd got everything for a few more years)

LaContessaDiPlump · 11/04/2017 23:15

In that case I would definitely expect her to be a bit embarrassed and apologetic next time you see her OP! Even if she does think that packing for the family is a bit odd, she sounds like she's usually polite enough to not read you the riot act for such things.....

Sgtmajormummy · 11/04/2017 23:20

I would pack for anybody because it appeals to my Tetris instincts. I love getting the maximum amount of stuff into a 10kg Ryanair-sized cabin bag.
Three of us are having a 10-day holiday soon and I have 2 out of 3 cabin bags fully packed and weighed with mixed people's clothes in them. The third has a list in it for the first night (11pm landing) plus random last minute things. If I left that sort of packing to the individuals it would be a shambles.

However, DH and I do our own packing if it's a business trip away alone.

And your friend was ungracious in the extreme. Instead of thanking you for taking care of her child she launches into a petty attack on your packing habits! Wow.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/04/2017 23:23

I think she's rude to speak to you like that , though I doubt very much that she did. I suspect she just expressed surprise at what you were doing.

But I find it utterly incredible that an actual grown adult cannot / will not / does not pack their own holiday case. Really. It's 2017 and everything. Here they'll be giving us the vote next.

LexieLulu · 11/04/2017 23:35

Sounds like she's stressed at home, came to yours to see you being a perfect mum and wife and it wound her up.

If it works for you and your family, why does it matter to her that you were packing for your husband.

Scottishchick39 · 11/04/2017 23:39

My DH looks out what clothes he wants to take from the suitcase in the attic (holiday clothes stay in there between holidays) I give them a quick wash and iron and hang them on clothes rails. I do the same for DD15 and DS4. The night before our holiday DH will put it all into suitcases as he is better and packing without creasing things. Works for us. If DD was left to get her own things organised she'd forget something and I couldn't be arsed with the hassle.

GuiltyPleasure · 12/04/2017 00:48

I tend to do the packing for myself & DS2. DH & DS1 get all the stuff they need ready & I just pack it because I do it more neatly & there's a load of extras we need to put in for DS2 for his additional needs so it gets spread around the cases. I'm also a bit of a control freak. At her request I leave DD to her own devices, although the year when she forgot to pack any sandals or flip flops & only had the trainers she was travelling in was a lesson to us all!

SuperBeagle · 12/04/2017 00:50

I wouldn't pack for my husband. He's more than capable.

I still pack for my DCs because the eldest is only 7. But by 12, I'd assume they'd be old enough to manage. I packed for myself at that age.

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