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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to pack DH and the kids' cases?

753 replies

Confuso · 11/04/2017 17:35

A friend who is normally lovely has just turned on me out of the blue. I've had her 7 year old DD here all day which is absolutely fine as she is good friends with my DD. My older two have been mooching around and I've been mainly in "project pack" as we're going on holiday tomorrow night.

When my friend came to collect at 4pm, she had to come upstairs and drag her DD out of our wardrobe because she was playing a hiding game. In the midst of this she suddenly started on me, saying she couldn't believe I was actually ironing and packing for DH. Haven't I got enough to do with the kids? I should stop acting like a bloody martyr because this man doesn't know he's born and never did. Her 12 year old packs his own stuff like any other capable child and I should stop pandering to the lot of them. I have been making a rod for my own back for too long and DH is on another planet Shock There was more as well.

Don't most people pack for the family if you're going away and AIBU to think I'm not weird and wonder what all that was about? I feel quite upset tbh as I've had her DD for 2 days and that's how she speaks to me.

OP posts:
supermoon100 · 11/04/2017 21:45

Packing for a grown man is infantalising him. Packing his boxers and pants? I wouldn't want a man packing my underwear. If he packs so badly can't you just have separate bags?

Bluntness100 · 11/04/2017 21:47

Yes I find It odd. We pack our own stuff, one of us gets the passports, either of us gets money or both, there is no his and her jobs or any such shit like that. He's perfectly capable and actually holds down a job, he can pack a case for his holiday and decide what he wants to wear, As far back as my grandmothers, they did the same as me, so don't think it's generational.

If I said to my husband "i shall launder and iron your clothes, and pack them for you" he'd look at me like I'd lost my marbles and be waiting for the punchline. Hmm

Original poster
Confuso · 11/04/2017 21:53

I've seen far worse than his boxers. I buy them for him most of the time anyway Blush I just put them in the case.
Naice - DD is 7 and the other two are older boys. I hope I'm not infantalising anyone or re-creating the 50s. I don't think we're particularly unusual. I don't know?

OP posts:
Birdsbeesandtrees · 11/04/2017 21:55

How many men do you think but their wives underwear and pack suitcases for them ? Very very few I'd imagine.

Wonder why.

Naicehamshop · 11/04/2017 21:56

Lots of posters have said that you ARE unusual, but you've chosen to ignore it.

supermoon100 · 11/04/2017 21:57

I don't buy his underwear, I don't pack his underwear. I do ocassionally take it off him....

Ecureuil · 11/04/2017 21:58

I don't think we're particularly unusual. I don't know?

I can imagine the responses if I asked my group of friends this question. The overriding response would be 'no, he's a fully functioning adult male and can pack his own case'

Original poster
Confuso · 11/04/2017 21:59

No I'm not ignoring it. I am a bit surprised.

Usually I unpack for him and the kids at the other end as well and hang everything up. Maybe I'll just leave it this time then and see what happens. Hmm

OP posts:
MangoSplit · 11/04/2017 22:00

I've never bought my DH's underwear! Maybe I'm the unusual one, but I don't think so?

Naicehamshop · 11/04/2017 22:00

This has got to be a wind up? Hmm

applesareredandgreen · 11/04/2017 22:01

I normally do holiday packing for my DH and DS. He works longer hours than me, I do more household stuff than him. I don't think that many of my RL friends would think that unusual.

loveslipstick · 11/04/2017 22:02

I pack for us all. It's easy enough for one person to just grab everything and bundle into a case, not because he isn't capable?!

He takes the rubbish out every day, not because I am incapable, because it's easier for him to just do it.

Original poster
Confuso · 11/04/2017 22:02

Why would it be a wind up?

OP posts:
Ecureuil · 11/04/2017 22:03

Usually I unpack for him and the kids at the other end as well and hang everything up. Maybe I'll just leave it this time then and see what happens

I'm assuming that once you're on holiday you all have equal leisure time? So why are you spending your time doing this chore while everyone else is relaxing/having fun?

Rainydayspending · 11/04/2017 22:04

My EX required it. I generally would see it as a sign that the DH was taking the piss / something might be "off", but on it's own it's probably sweet (but I wouldn't wade in. I've experienced abuse, those conversations need to come naturally).
My 10 & 9 year old are great packers (eow children from toddlers to visit their dad, they've gradually taken over their packing).
DH packs for himself. DS(1) usually I pack (i am sahp, i have more time at home to do that job).

Original poster
Confuso · 11/04/2017 22:06

Ecur - it doesn't take long and if you don't take stuff out and hang it it needs ironing.

OP posts:
Therealslimshady1 · 11/04/2017 22:07

Naicehamshop, what is,manly about doing the organisation and navigation?

In our house DH packs for himself and the kids, and I do the booking, car hire, driving etc.

We both play to our strengths, but also I get stressed about packing and have forgotten things before, whilst DH is not a confident driver.

So he packs as he knows it is a weight of my shoulders (it frazzles me, I literally have nightmares about it, weird I know) and I plan the trip (I work less and have more time....and am better at it) and drive abroad.

It is about working together as a team, this one is not about feminism imo

As to OP, I cannot believe the irony of the friend calling you a martyr/doormat IMMEDIATELY after you had been looking after her child for 2-days. This should really make you laugh!

Sweets101 · 11/04/2017 22:07

You can look after her kid but you can't pack for your DH? Confused
If you're happy with your relationship and in agreement with how you separate chores carry on, it's no one elses business.
If deep down actually you're not, then it's a problem.
Only you can answer that one.

Dragongirl10 · 11/04/2017 22:15

OP, YANBU for chosing to pack for your husband, or for being furious at this so called friend.

The way you run your household is entirely between you and DH, if you are both happy then great, no true friend would be so rude and nasty as to comment.

Especially as you had just done her a HUGE favour, the only thing l am a bit surprised at is why you did not react to her rant?

Most would have told her just how unreasonable and vile she was being.

I would ask her once why she was so rude in light of the help you had given her, and give her a chance to apologise...if an apology is not forthcoming then drop her.

Original poster
Confuso · 11/04/2017 22:16

Thankyou slim and seeets.
I'm happy in the relationship in general. He works very hard and always did. Even if he did stuff round the house it wouldn't make a massive amount of difference because he's not here enough for it to be that noticeable. He's very kind and good to me in his own way and vice Versa.

OP posts:
OnTheUp13 · 11/04/2017 22:18

I do all packing in our house. But DH does all
Washing up, ironing etc. He hates packing and I LOVE IT! It's like the build up to xmas!

Original poster
Confuso · 11/04/2017 22:20

Dragon - I will ask her. I was going to text, but think it will be better face to face. At the time, it was just too odd and the girls were there. Also she just left very quickly after the rant.

OP posts:
Frillyhorseyknickers · 11/04/2017 22:21

I pack for my husband. It isn't particularly because he's incapable, or because I'm mothering him, or because I'm oppressed and aspire to be a 1950s house wife. I also usually load the dishwasher and do the laundry as well.

melj1213 · 11/04/2017 22:21

I'm assuming that once you're on holiday you all have equal leisure time? So why are you spending your time doing this chore while everyone else is relaxing/having fun?

Maybe because the OP was the one to pack the cases and will have done so in a particular way, so it's easier for them to unpack than someone else )or even have multiple people falling over each other in one or two rooms to unpack together? Or shock, horror maybe OP likes having a bit of time to unpack before the holiday kicks in

My mum always used to unpack for us too on holiday for a couple of reasons:

  1. she'd been the one to pack so she knew what she had put in each case and exactly who it belonged to;
  2. we really didn't care about unpacking, we wanted to get out to the pool/beach etc whereas my mum is a neat freak and wouldn't be able to relax until all the cases are unpacked;
  3. after all the stress of the flights/airports etc my dad would take us out to the pool/for a snack/pick up essential provisions etc and my mum would use the unpacking time for some alone time and take a nap and enjoy the peace and quiet if we were gone long enough ;
  4. She had a method of unpacking that didn't involve just rooting through cases till she found the thing she wanted, like my siblings and I did;
  5. it was easier when it came to packing at the end of the holiday if one person knows where everything was unpacked to and so if things are missing
user1471558436 · 11/04/2017 22:23

I do think it's a bit odd that you pack for him. I write a list for my kids and then run around collecting everything. We tick things off as they go into the cases.

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