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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to pack DH and the kids' cases?

753 replies

Confuso · 11/04/2017 17:35

A friend who is normally lovely has just turned on me out of the blue. I've had her 7 year old DD here all day which is absolutely fine as she is good friends with my DD. My older two have been mooching around and I've been mainly in "project pack" as we're going on holiday tomorrow night.

When my friend came to collect at 4pm, she had to come upstairs and drag her DD out of our wardrobe because she was playing a hiding game. In the midst of this she suddenly started on me, saying she couldn't believe I was actually ironing and packing for DH. Haven't I got enough to do with the kids? I should stop acting like a bloody martyr because this man doesn't know he's born and never did. Her 12 year old packs his own stuff like any other capable child and I should stop pandering to the lot of them. I have been making a rod for my own back for too long and DH is on another planet Shock There was more as well.

Don't most people pack for the family if you're going away and AIBU to think I'm not weird and wonder what all that was about? I feel quite upset tbh as I've had her DD for 2 days and that's how she speaks to me.

OP posts:
Blueskyrain · 15/04/2017 10:10

What terrifies me most is the amount of comments that packing for husband is better because -

  • it's just easier to do both (um, no it isnt,)
  • he wouldn't know what to pack
  • he wouldn't pack enough pants/socks/whatever

Hiw infantilised are some of these men, or what a mother/child rather than spousal relationship is it, where you don't trust him to count to 7 pairs of pants.

These men are capable of working, and often the reason is given for your 'division' of roles that they have a big and important job. But yet you don't trust them to count to 7. You don't trust them to resolve this issue by washing/shopping if they screw up. It's really, really weird.

228agreenend · 15/04/2017 10:19

Blue sky - it's funny, I see it opposite to you. You are not infantsing the dh by packing, but working as a team. As I said in my earlier post, I had time to pack, so packed. Dh does all the driving, which I hate. He is not controlling me by not letting me drive, but we are doing What works best for both of us. To me, that's having a relationship. If in your household, the man and woman has to do equal amounts of washing, cooking, gardening, etc, then where's the relationship. That's two people living side by side. A relationship is give and take.

JacquesHammer · 15/04/2017 10:23

bluesky when you pack into one case it IS easier for one person to pack it. He puts what he wants to take into a pile. I put into a case mixing it up. Two people around a case is definitely "too many cooks"

TizzyDongue · 15/04/2017 10:29

Placing stuff he's put into a pile into a case, or cases isn't what I'd class as 'packing for'. Choosing what they will take, selecting what they'll wear is what I'd classify as packing for someone.

I do find it hard to identify with couples who appear to have jobs or roles specifically for them: i do x and he does y isn't something that occurs in our house. Whoever is avalible does what needs to be done.

motherinferior · 15/04/2017 10:31

It's the noticing pant/sock numbers and/or upkeep that baffles me.

Possibly I am uncaring, cold-hearted and unwilling to function as part of a team but I genuinely have no idea how many pairs of pants my partner has or what state his socks are in.

Frankly, if getting to a shop were beyond him he could order a delivery from M&S in about two minutes.

(I wouldn't mind a life where all I had to do was my job, mind. And someone else even replaced my deodorant. Cushy number.)

JacquesHammer · 15/04/2017 10:36

I wouldn't mind a life where all I had to do was my job, mind. And someone else even replaced my deodorant. Cushy number

You make it sound as though it's a massive job though. In reality it's:-

"I'm going to Boots today. Need anything".

Because that's just a nice thing to do. Much like he might have said "setting off from work, need anything on the way home".

Blueskyrain · 15/04/2017 10:37

I have no issue with people packing for each other because of time restraints. I've said earlier that I have packed for my husband if he's been busy, and he has packed for me if I'm busy.

But that is a world away from packing for your spouse because you don't trust them to adequately pack for themselves, which is what some posters have said. It's that reasoning that horrifies me and is infatalising.

Bluntness100 · 15/04/2017 10:37

f in your household, the man and woman has to do equal amounts of washing, cooking, gardening, etc, then where's the relationship

Lol, I love it when someone takes an argument to the extreme and makes it silly. Yes that's right, if you don't routinely pack your husbands pants it means you live in a house where everything must be shared equally and you've no relationship. You really can't think of a mid point? 😂

user1471545174 · 15/04/2017 10:44

Your DH isn't the problem, it's your user friend!

She's misplacing her childcare guilt by projecting it onto what you do for your husband and kids. The division of labour in your household has absolutely nothing to do with her.

I'd just say, "why are you bothered?" And distance myself from her.

BusterGonad · 15/04/2017 10:48

I'm with user, it's nobody's business unless the Op is unhappy.

228agreenend · 15/04/2017 10:56

Okay, Blue, I see where you are coming from now.

Blunt. - guess most people are at the mid point

Original poster
Confuso · 15/04/2017 11:07

Motherinferior - It's great that you and your partner co-run the house, but are you both working? Do you think things might be slightly different if you had been a SAHM for 12 years?

To all those who argue they never have specific "roles" in their relationship - are you sure about that? A lot of things can get taken for granted and I've realised that over the course of this thread. For instance, who tends to drive when you go out, or do people insist on 50/50 there too?

Of course my DH can a pack case Hmm, but that's not the point. I'm eminently capable of doing many things that in day to day life I just don't do - like checking if bills or school fees are being paid, as an example - because he does that for us as he's more efficient at it.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 15/04/2017 11:16

We don't split things 50/50, as we don't really have his and her jobs. Either one of us pays the bills that are not standing order, we have a cleaner, he probably does more driving than me, because he likes driving, but I also do the driving sometimes, I cook more than him, we take it in turns to empty the dishwasher. He cuts the grass because he likes fannying around on the ride on, but I do it now and again, we deal with our own cars and do our own laundry, We just kind of get on with it, there is no such thing as his job or mine, and we both work full time. If it needs doing one of us does it.

upperlimit · 15/04/2017 11:18

But where people are splitting up the jobs on this thread, what seems to be typical is that men abdicate the job that they would rather not do, the grunt work of washing, ironing and packing in favour of doing jobs that the other partner doesn't feel capable or confident enough to do, driving and navigating usually.

JacquesHammer · 15/04/2017 11:33

But where people are splitting up the jobs on this thread, what seems to be typical is that men abdicate the job that they would rather not do, the grunt work of washing, ironing and packing in favour of doing jobs that the other partner doesn't feel capable or confident enough to do, driving and navigating usually

Or maybe it's just simply jobs they prefer?

I don't navigate. Not because I am not capable but because any sort of reading/concentrating on maps gives me a banging headache.

I would iron simply because I prefer to do that whilst DD was at school which was during the working day. All ironing would get put on the spare bed, H would put it away. It's not always about peeling things back into "typical" roles. It can just be about genuine preference. And that's ok.

I used to HATE putting the bins out. So H did it. Worst part of not living with a partner now 😂

BusterGonad · 15/04/2017 11:42

Upperlimit stick me on the Japanese underground and I cannot navigate! 😂
Put me in front of a washing machine while my husband does a 8 hour day at work and surprising I can wash some clothes in those eight hours! I have so much spare time whilst he works full time, I honestly think I can do a few things that makes his life easier whilst he's working. If the shoe was on the other foot I'd be a bit peeved if he couldn't do a few loads of washing etc.

skerrywind · 15/04/2017 11:48

I do find it hard to identify with couples who appear to have jobs or roles specifically for them: i do x and he does y isn't something that occurs in our house. Whoever is avalible does what needs to be done.

Nope, not in our house.

Some jobs are unspokenly assigned.
My OH usually drives when we are out, it's nothing to do with control or my confidence. I find driving utterly tedious, my OH enjoys it, so he drives.
OH always takes out the wheelie bins( easier for him than me as he is physically stronger)
OH always cuts the grass ( heavy lawnmower)
OH always clears out the fridge ( a job I hate)
OH always unblock toilets ( ditto)
OH always fixes computer, cables and wifi ( he is an IT engineer)
OH does all the smelly horrible jobs.
OH always picks up a takeaway (so I can have a glass of wine)

And many more.

These are all jobs I am capable of doing but don't for the reasons I have outlined.

motherinferior · 15/04/2017 11:49

Actually we do split cooking and washing pretty well 50/50 and I would be really fed up if I were expected to do more. (He didn't cook at all when I took up with him, which greatly took me aback. First boyfriend I'd ever had who couldn't. Weird.)

And I was referring to the OP's habit of checking deodorant etc without her husband even noticing.

I suppose I have no idea how things would operate if I'd been a SAHP. He did do more stuff than me when he was on sabbatical and I was working f/t but I still bought my own pants and did my own packing.

Original poster
Confuso · 15/04/2017 11:54

Bluntness - from your description though, there is some gender bias in your relationship. You do most of the cooking. He does most of the driving and the garden. As Jacques said, people tend towards roles they prefer. If these fall along traditional gender lines, does it have to matter?

If you were at home all day, you might put his laundry in with yours, rather than just watch it stack up. Then you might iron it or take it to be ironed because it frees up family time elsewhere. Then when you've bothered to have done that, you might find you don't want it stuffed in a case so you might pack it as well. Can you see how these things creep in?

OP posts:
skerrywind · 15/04/2017 11:58

Absolutely confuso.

And I think my OH has the short straw tbh. My kids are teenagers and I have loads of free time, I gym a few mornings a week, do yoga, tend my garden, I love photography - we live surrounded by ancient woodland so I often wander on photography walks. My OH works 60 hours a week- buying and washing his socks and packing his case seems a pretty good trade off to me.

disappearingfish · 15/04/2017 12:04

I find the argument about physical strength a bit depressing tbh. I think strength is a feminist issue as well. Women should work to maintain enough strength to do the heavy household chores if they want to be capable of independent living. Again, what would you do if you were single or widowed?

skerrywind · 15/04/2017 12:07

And I was referring to the OP's habit of checking deodorant etc without her husband even noticing.

Why wouldn't you buy the deodorant? Seems a bit petty. I buy stuff like that in bulk when it's on offer. I buy one type for DD and me, another for DS and OH. Upstairs is a cupboard with ten cans of each type. If stocks run low I chuck another dozen cans in the trolley. ( with the socks Grin
OH would have to make a separate trip and use up valuable family time.

skerrywind · 15/04/2017 12:10

disappearingfish- ha ha, of course I would manage. I do a lot of weight training.
It takes less effort for my OH to lift a 20Kg lawnmower than me however- a biological fact.

So in terms of effort put into family work it would take more effort for me to cut the lawn than him, so he does it.

BusterGonad · 15/04/2017 12:12

Disappearing saying a job is easier for a man, like taking the wheelie bin out doesn't mean a woman cannot do it, it just means it's easier for a man to do it! Just to say I do the wheelie bin, not the grass though, that is a heavy job and if I was single or widowed I'd pay someone to do it or buy a better mower!

motherinferior · 15/04/2017 12:15

It's the noticing someone else's deodorant/pants/socks that is genuinely beyond me. Someone who works in central London is perfectly capable of stopping in boots at the station, or indeed asking (as my kids do) "could you please put some on the supermarket order" (or doing it themselves); or doing a bulk order of shirts/pants/socks online.

I have no idea how or when my partner restocks with shirts or pants. I assume he does, as he wears them, but the mechanics of it don't really occur to me.