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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to pack DH and the kids' cases?

753 replies

Confuso · 11/04/2017 17:35

A friend who is normally lovely has just turned on me out of the blue. I've had her 7 year old DD here all day which is absolutely fine as she is good friends with my DD. My older two have been mooching around and I've been mainly in "project pack" as we're going on holiday tomorrow night.

When my friend came to collect at 4pm, she had to come upstairs and drag her DD out of our wardrobe because she was playing a hiding game. In the midst of this she suddenly started on me, saying she couldn't believe I was actually ironing and packing for DH. Haven't I got enough to do with the kids? I should stop acting like a bloody martyr because this man doesn't know he's born and never did. Her 12 year old packs his own stuff like any other capable child and I should stop pandering to the lot of them. I have been making a rod for my own back for too long and DH is on another planet Shock There was more as well.

Don't most people pack for the family if you're going away and AIBU to think I'm not weird and wonder what all that was about? I feel quite upset tbh as I've had her DD for 2 days and that's how she speaks to me.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 15/04/2017 07:38

How's it faux feminism to not routinely pack for your husband? Confused

You're going to have to explain that one.

Ecureuil · 15/04/2017 07:40

But that doesn't stop it being weird for those of us who think it's weird!
Do you just want someone to say 'you're completely right skerrywind, in your personal situation it is completely fine and normal'? If so, there you go! Job done!

skerrywind · 15/04/2017 07:41

It's the suggestion of being controlled, or indeed controlling, or treating our OHs like children that I find strange.

For some of us it' none of these things. It's a choice, As feminism should be.

Original poster
Confuso · 15/04/2017 07:42

I agree it's faux feminism when people have this very rigid thinking that in order to be "equal", couples have to have an equal division of household tasks.

Also, there is a presumption in MN quite often that everyone is from the same cultural background.

That's not to say Mrs TP that I don't take your points on board. Maybe people sleepwalk into becoming their parents more than they would like to think. DH is not Muslim, but the average Lebanese family is possibly still a bit more "traditional" in terms of gender roles than the British. Not alwaysof course, generally speaking. DH has had a very traditional upbringing, I would say. And I have sometimes wondered if I'm turning into my mother as I approach 40 Shock. So I take the point about what I could be modelling for the DC, but we are what we are. They're not growing up in a house of friction. I hope they know we both love them and we're doing our best.

I would not be with a man who made me feel "downtrodden" or disrespected, let alone do his ironing.

OP posts:
Ecureuil · 15/04/2017 07:43

But for some people on this thread, it may be that they are being controlled or that they are infantilising their DP's, or whatever. And it may not. It's a discussion. It's not all about your particular situation.

Bluntness100 · 15/04/2017 07:48

I agree it's faux feminism when people have this very rigid thinking that in order to be "equal", couples have to have an equal division of household tasks

But no one is saying there needs to be an equal division of household tasks. What's being said is most women would no more routinely pack their husbands case fhan they would wipe his arse, because we could redefine arse wiping as a household task too.

skerrywind · 15/04/2017 07:50

In an effort to be hip and feminist we are in danger of denigrating the role of caring for others in society.
SAHM are often portrayed as downtrodden, valueless, and this has an impact across caring professions too.
Carers, paid or otherwise have an enormous value in making our society a good place to live.Without care we as humans are ruthless and ultimately have no value.
When we criticise those who care we are in serious trouble.

Original poster
Confuso · 15/04/2017 08:02

Totally agree Skerry.

OP posts:
BoboChic · 15/04/2017 08:05

Packing a suitcase isn't a household task anymore than washing hair or wiping your bottom is a household task. Packing a suitcase is individual personal care.

Household tasks are things that do not pertain to the individual but to the collective: food shopping, cooking, hoovering...

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuck · 15/04/2017 08:12

That's fine, skerry, but I'm not a faux feminist if that wouldn't work for us.

ArriettyClock1 · 15/04/2017 08:13

I can't imagine packing for my dh - he'd find it totally weird too as I'm not his mum or carer. I used to pack for the kids but they're teens now so do their own.

We once went away with another couple. My friend admitted that she had packed her husband's case and then, when we got there, she unpacked for him too! 🙄

alreadytaken · 15/04/2017 08:14

I'm not reading 24 pages - but I hope someone has made the point that you could have said I'm not downtrodden and to prove it I shall no longer be minding your child in future. Are you sure you arent minding their chid too often?

If this is truly a lovely friend then they shoud apologise. I'd guess you got the fall out from something going on in their own relationship.

I wouldnt pack a case for an adult but if you want to its your business. At least then you shouldnt end up with no useable adaptors as each thinks the other one packed them.

disappearingfish · 15/04/2017 08:27

Oh god @skerrywind I hope you're not accusing feminists of just just trying to be hip Angry

Yes, caring professions are very important but it's the feminisation of caring that makes it worth less in societal and economic terms, not the other way round.

MrGrumpy01 · 15/04/2017 08:34

I packed the bags to go away today. All is good. Dh put it out, I stuck it in the shared bag.

I did the children's bag as well. dd(5) and I did it together, dd(11) did hers though I think she is being overly hopeful of the weather in the Scottish borders and I did Ds(9) as he has autism and it ends up as stress city.

The biggest issue for me is that I end up doing all the stuff in the morning, packing the car, tidying etc etc. Dh has got himself up and ready this year. Finally only taken 15yrs. Confused

Original poster
Confuso · 15/04/2017 08:39

Bobo - to me it's not the same thing at all.

In this house, I deal with "clothing issues" (if this is thing) I buy all the kids clothes with no input from DH, so when we're going away anywhere, I know if they need new shorts or whatever and I buy them and pack them. I have a mental checklist. As I said before, with the exception of suit fittings and shoes, I buy most of DH's clothes because he's not bothered and he thinks I've got more of an idea about these things than him anyway. He works in the middle of London so if he wants to go and get himself something he is at liberty to do so st any point, but he doesn't. Quite often, I will get rid of any of his shirts that are looking worn, replace them with new ones and put them in the wardrobe with the tags off and he doesn't notice the difference. Same with socks and underwear, razors, deodorant or whatever. I just get in all in as and when needed. To me this is not unusual nor is it a big deal.
As others have mentioned, I have a packing system so that things don't get creased, so I just pack everyone's stuff. The actual packing takes no time at all, it's the making sure everyone has everything ready that is the job.
There is no way I would wash his hair or wipe his bottom though Hmm

OP posts:
exLtEveDallas · 15/04/2017 08:43

We've just come back from a week away. We are going back again tomorrow. I packed all the dirty clothes, unpacked them into the washer and DH will iron them this afternoon whilst watching the footie.

I will repack them into the case, unpack them at our destination and almost certainly pack them again to come back home on Fri.

I would still rather do my part of the holiday prep than the bloody ironing. I could, of course, insist that DH packs his own clothes - but then he might insist I iron my own clothes...and that's a fate worse than death.

Surely we all just do what works for us?

motherinferior · 15/04/2017 08:51

I'm not a faux feminist, I'm a real one. And as such I totally agree with the point about the feminisation of care.

I am also, as is my partner, half-Asian (I look white, he doesn't) and do not think that 'cultural background' is the same for everyone.

Oh, and what's with this assumption we all 'run our households'? I don't run mine. I do-run it. It isn't my sole responsibility, of course it's not.

motherinferior · 15/04/2017 09:09

CO-run it!

Bluntness100 · 15/04/2017 09:19

SAHM are often portrayed as downtrodden, valueless, and this has an impact across caring professions too

You're doing SAHMs a huge disservice here, because packing your husbands case or buying his clothes is not part of the "job" of a stay at home mum and it's wrong to insinuate it is, they are not Skivvies.

What the op does for her husband bears absolutely no relation to the fact she may or may not be a stay at home mum.

its you who Deginerating the role of stay at home mum or carer as she is neither his mother or his carer.

228agreenend · 15/04/2017 09:31

i don't think I ever saw a check,list of what a SAHM is supposed to,do. My role evolved over the years.

If I choose to do all the packing, it's because I was at home and have the time to do it. I then relaxed on the journey, when dh did the driving. He then relaxed on arrival, when I did the unpacking. It's teamwork.

I would find it vey hard work being in a relationship where every job had to be spit right down the middle.

JacquesHammer · 15/04/2017 09:42

You're doing SAHMs a huge disservice here, because packing your husbands case or buying his clothes is not part of the "job" of a stay at home mum and it's wrong to insinuate it is, they are not Skivvies

It is just as wrong to insinuate it isn't. It's all about what works for each family unit.

I could have enforced my husband to pack - and maybe set off later. In reality it was much pleasanter for him to get his stuff into a pile and me to pack whilst he was at work. Or picking up a pack of socks whilst at the shop. Well sure. I should have forced him to do it. Except we live rurally. So why would I want our time at a weekend to be spent with a full morning driving to shops when I could have thrown a 6-pack of plain black socks into the trolley.

dowhatnow · 15/04/2017 09:44

My job is to make sure all the washing and ironing is up to date then everyone packs their own. DH will repack if stuff is spilling out or sometimes I will leave my stuff on the bed and he puts it in the suitcase as he will pack everything like a Tetris puzzle and is far more efficient than I am.

disappearingfish · 15/04/2017 09:44

@Confuso don't you feel you are infantilising your husband by treating him the way you would a five year old? What would he do if he wasn't married?

upperlimit · 15/04/2017 09:48

Well I have been a SAHM and a WOHM and I never packed my dh's clothes because he chooses his own clothes. And if he ever packed my clothes, well Grin, I mean I love him but I don't share his enthusiasm for 'technical' clothing.

BusterGonad · 15/04/2017 09:59

We take one suitcase on holiday and I pack it, I sort out my 8 year olds clothes he chooses his toys etc, I pack my husbands but he puts it in a pile for me to pack, I sort out all the bits like sun lotion, toiletries etc husband sorts out the iPod speakers and electrical devices. Husband books the flights sorts out hotels and navigates. It works for us, I can't navigate, I get baffled by where to visit. My husband does all that and all I have to do in return is make sure his clothes are clean and folded and packed.