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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to pack DH and the kids' cases?

753 replies

Confuso · 11/04/2017 17:35

A friend who is normally lovely has just turned on me out of the blue. I've had her 7 year old DD here all day which is absolutely fine as she is good friends with my DD. My older two have been mooching around and I've been mainly in "project pack" as we're going on holiday tomorrow night.

When my friend came to collect at 4pm, she had to come upstairs and drag her DD out of our wardrobe because she was playing a hiding game. In the midst of this she suddenly started on me, saying she couldn't believe I was actually ironing and packing for DH. Haven't I got enough to do with the kids? I should stop acting like a bloody martyr because this man doesn't know he's born and never did. Her 12 year old packs his own stuff like any other capable child and I should stop pandering to the lot of them. I have been making a rod for my own back for too long and DH is on another planet There was more as well.

Don't most people pack for the family if you're going away and AIBU to think I'm not weird and wonder what all that was about? I feel quite upset tbh as I've had her DD for 2 days and that's how she speaks to me.

OP posts:

TheStoic · 14/04/2017 20:20

Certainly looks like that, yes.

skerrywind · 14/04/2017 20:26

thestoic- being in a loving partnership means often doing stuff for each other- and that can be a loving thing.
Don't you have that?

TheStoic · 14/04/2017 20:32

Don't you have that?

Do I have a loving partnership? Absolutely. It just doesn't include doing things that the other can do for themselves, such as packing their bags for them.

JacquesHammer · 14/04/2017 20:38

Do I have a loving partnership? Absolutely. It just doesn't include doing things that the other can do for themselves, such as packing their bags for them

Gosh how miserable. I would hate to be in the type of relationship where doing kind things for each other wasn't a thing because they could do it themselves.

TheStoic · 14/04/2017 20:41

Gosh how miserable. I would hate to be in the type of relationship where doing kind things for each other wasn't a thing because they could do it themselves.

Ah well. Lucky your partner needs help packing his bags then!

Original poster

Confuso · 14/04/2017 20:43

Ok I'm in the bathrooms.
If I can explain the situation in our house. If I needed more help with housework, I would be more likely to ask the cleaning lady to do more hours or something. DH is out from 7am to 8pm at least in the week and also probably overseas fairly regularly. His work is fairly full on with hedge funds and god knows what, but he never burdens me with any of this. He deals with everything financial because he has that kind of mind, so I don't need to deal with that. I know he feels guilty sometimes about wanting to spend more time either the DC. He puts a lot of pressure on himself and does his best. He can take it a bit easier these days than in years gone by, but still, I have none of this so if I can make his life easier when he's at home, why would I not?
I fully admit if he needed something ironing he would ask me to do it, but there are countless things that I wouldn't entertain doing by virtue of the fact I would expect him do it for me.

OP posts:

JacquesHammer · 14/04/2017 20:45

Ah well. Lucky your partner needs help packing his bags then

Actually he packed for me thursday so I could get a bit more sleep as I felt unwell. Aren't assumptions smashing 😜

TheStoic · 14/04/2017 20:46

Actually he packed for me thursday so I could get a bit more sleep as I felt unwell. Aren't assumptions smashing

Indeed!

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/04/2017 20:47

My DH handles multi-million dollar contracts and can still iron himself and pack his own bags. It's not so much about division of time as it is about everyone's roles. Personal care is something I expect DH can handle himself; wiping his own arse, packing and buying his own underwear.

Others can choose to do as they wish but your children are seeing you unpacking while he runs. That sends a strong message.

BearsDontDigOnDancing · 14/04/2017 21:03

Well, everyone is different, I do not see my packing all the family clothes for a holiday as me taking over any aspect of DH's "personal care". It is just a family job that needs doing before a family holiday.

However, I do not do any of DH packing or ironing when he is away with week, and he can be away for 2 weeks a time. I have no idea what he needs, he sorts it himself.

All in, in reality, I probably have an easier time of it than him, he works full time, I work part time, but as he works from home most of the time, and I work out in a very physically demanding role, even on my days off, when he is working that day, he gets the kids up and out to school, and comes home and starts working, he leaves me in bed. I do the school run about once every 2 weeks.

At the end of the day, it is what works for you and your family. And sometimes my children see me rushing around doing something while he sits down, or I am sitting down while he is rushing around doing something. I think if in the end it balances out then all is well.

motherinferior · 14/04/2017 22:19

I don't think relationships are some sort of transactional setup where you spend your time each 'doing things' for the other. I think they're about being with someone because, you know, you quite like having therm about the place. Not because they're useful.

motherinferior · 14/04/2017 22:22

Incidentally I asked DP today if he would like me to do his packing. He looked at me in a rather perturbed manner and said: "but you wouldn't know what to pack".

Jaynebxl · 14/04/2017 22:30

My feeling exactly mother. Dh packs for himself because he knows what he wants. I've trained dcs from an early age to pack for themselves. First we wrote a lost together then found thr stuff and packed together. Now at 9 and 11 they write a list and show it to me. I tell them if I think of anything they've forgotten. They gp and pack then I check it over. I did skip the cheque once and ds went away with 17 books and no pants.

motherinferior · 14/04/2017 22:32

Life can be lived without pants. Especially on holiday. Books, not so much.

Jaynebxl · 14/04/2017 22:32

My son's feelings exactly!

BitOutOfPractice · 14/04/2017 22:59

Op you seem that think that being out of the house for x hours earls your dp some kind of medal.

Really?

Lots of households operate with both parents doing much more than that. I'm my case I'm a single parent household working far longer hours than that.

I am still, unbelievably , able to pack a case. All by myself.

Not sure why you think he's so incapable. And yes. I have kids. Two of them.

JacquesHammer · 14/04/2017 23:07

Bit not the OP but my ex enabled me to be a SAHM for 6 years. He bloody did deserve a medal 😄

Whathaveilost · 14/04/2017 23:48

Flippin heck, there's some aggressive posts.
How about you all run your own households in a way that suits you.
Op was doing ok before her very rude mate turned on her.

Bookaboo · 15/04/2017 00:04

I pack for everyone as we now mix our clothes up into cases - rather than 1 each - after my case got lost once. I figure this reduces the chances of one ofus ending up with no clothes.

This is how it should be done and that works best with one person coordinating the packing.

I get DH to put out what he wants to take. Then I add a few more things as he inevitably never has enough/can't seem to count how many pairs of pants he needs

skerrywind · 15/04/2017 06:52

All this faux feminist stuff is such shite.

How about we just live our live as we see fit.

I pack for my OH
I do 95% of the housework.
My OH has never used the washing machine.
My OH is out of the house for 80 hours a week.
I work 15 hours a week.
I earn more than my OH.
I employ my kids when they have spare time,
I really don't think I am a bad role model to my kids, they are both able to earn money from little ventures they have set up themselves.

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuck · 15/04/2017 07:27

skerry I'm not faux feminist, I just wouldn't dream of packing for DH. Only he knows what he wants to take. I also wouldn't want him to pack for me for the same reason.

Ecureuil · 15/04/2017 07:32

How is it faux feminism? Id be if DH packed for me too! I just see it as a personal task. He doesn't know what I want to take/wear, I don't know what he wants to take/wear.

skerrywind · 15/04/2017 07:32

Only he knows what he wants to take

But my OH has few clothes and doesn't give a shit what he takes.
I wouldn't like him to pack for me because I do care, but he doesn;t. So I pack for him.

Ecureuil · 15/04/2017 07:36

And that's fine skerrywind, do what the fuck you want. Where has anyone told you to do otherwise? The rest of us are just saying we dont do it, and why we think it's weird. What more do you want?

skerrywind · 15/04/2017 07:37

why we think it's weird

It's not weird for many of us though.

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