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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to pack DH and the kids' cases?

753 replies

Confuso · 11/04/2017 17:35

A friend who is normally lovely has just turned on me out of the blue. I've had her 7 year old DD here all day which is absolutely fine as she is good friends with my DD. My older two have been mooching around and I've been mainly in "project pack" as we're going on holiday tomorrow night.

When my friend came to collect at 4pm, she had to come upstairs and drag her DD out of our wardrobe because she was playing a hiding game. In the midst of this she suddenly started on me, saying she couldn't believe I was actually ironing and packing for DH. Haven't I got enough to do with the kids? I should stop acting like a bloody martyr because this man doesn't know he's born and never did. Her 12 year old packs his own stuff like any other capable child and I should stop pandering to the lot of them. I have been making a rod for my own back for too long and DH is on another planet Shock There was more as well.

Don't most people pack for the family if you're going away and AIBU to think I'm not weird and wonder what all that was about? I feel quite upset tbh as I've had her DD for 2 days and that's how she speaks to me.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 12/04/2017 15:27

Not packed for the kids beyond the age of 6 or 7. There is a good list to follow. Then when something is wrong or missing I'm not to blame.

Do usually pack for DH cos our draws are shared and we share a case. He never expects it though. We travel a hell of a lot so with practice it takes minutes.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 12/04/2017 15:34

Every summer there will be threads on MN of "what have I forgotten?" woman listing what they've packed, asking what they might have missed out, or in Style and Beauty if Xxx would be suitable for holiday in Y place.

I have seen so many of these threads, yet no one has ever posted "clearly you can't make decisions about what to pack for holiday, this isn't your thing, get your DH to do it for you." Grin

Naicehamshop · 12/04/2017 15:52

Totally commend Bluntness100s posts this morning.

Excellent points, really well made.

Original poster
Confuso · 12/04/2017 15:52

Invisible - that's quite a good question about when I started buying his clothes and toiletries as I don't really know the answer. I suppose it was when he stopped having time to do it himself, whenever that was.

OP posts:
lazyarse123 · 12/04/2017 16:01

She's cheeky it's none of her business. I'm really not keen on this mn idea of never doing anything remotely helpful for your husband because he's an adult. So what? Is it wrong to just do something because you can and are doing it for yourself anyway. It's also along the lines of husband should deal with his relatives because they're his family not yours. We've been married 33 years and and i am more than capable of dealing with family, friends,packing, cleaning etc. Doesn't make me a doormat as we share all these things we are a partnership. Sorry but this attitude really winds me up.

motherinferior · 12/04/2017 16:04

Oh, the 'I do all the Christmas and birthday cards and presents for his family because they're mine too' thing? God no, I don't do that either.

I am clearly a failure and DP would divorce me if I ever accepted his repeated offers of marriage.

happypoobum · 12/04/2017 16:07

I remember XMIL giving me a list of extended family names and addresses when DH and I married. I asked her what it was for, and she told me quite seriously it was so I could send all the family Christmas cards!!!!

I just passed it to XH wordlessly. XMIL was not amused Grin

Ecureuil · 12/04/2017 16:21

I'm really not keen on this mn idea of never doing anything remotely helpful for your husband because he's an adult

Well i'm sorry, but it winds me up when people twist the words of other posters.
No one is saying they don't do anything remotely helpful for their partners. In fact, the majority of people are saying they do plenty of helpful things and share household chores. What people are saying is that they don't think buying someone's underwear or choosing what they'll wear every day for the next week is a household chore.

Orangetoffee · 12/04/2017 16:33

Exactly ecureuil. I don't mind picking up some pants for my DH if he asks me and I go to the shops anyway, but no way will I be responsible for him having enough pants in his wardrobe. He is an adult and can look after himself.

WeddingsAreStressful · 12/04/2017 16:37

My mother always packed for my father (still does). After witnessing endless arguments about what she'd forgotten to pack once there, I point blank refuse to pack DP's stuff. Do whatever suits, if you're a SAHM you have much more time to do it anyway I guess.

Your friend is a prick. Not even at my lowest of the lowest moments would I ever shout at a friend like that. She obviously judges you and it finally came out. She did you a favour by showing who she is. I wouldn't be offering anymore free childcare, especially at a time when you are actually busy with stuff.

HicDraconis · 12/04/2017 16:42

My DH decided it was his job to make sure I was fully stocked with sanitary towels when he took over the weekly shopping. It's all on a spreadsheet for weeks 1-4 (rolling menu cycle so we don't get bored), food items on the top half and household stuff (cleaning, toiletries, and yes, sanitary towels) on the bottom. He prints one out every week, checks cupboards etc and crosses off what we have enough of. Everything else is stocked up on.

Same with repeat prescriptions - mine renew at the same time as his so he orders my repeat with his, picks them up and puts them in the cupboard until the current pots run out.

Dare I even ask what period pants are?

mmgirish · 12/04/2017 16:42

I don't think this packing arrangement is odd at all. I do the packing for trips in my house. My husband does things around the house that I never do. I don't think that's that unusual.

I think you were unreasonable not to call your friend out when she was criticising you for doing too much for your husband whilst looking after her child...for free! Why didn't you?

Ecureuil · 12/04/2017 17:01

I've just been reflecting on this while walking the dog! It's the decision making part of it that's odd for me. If DH was to say 'my boxers are a bit shabby. Could you pick me up a pack of black boxers in a size large when you're in Tesco' then I would of course do so. However to inspect his boxers, decide they're looking shabby (when he obviously hasn't come to the conclusion) and choose him some new ones seems beyond the call of duty. The same with packing. If he said 'I've got all the things out I want to take, any chance you can put them in the case for me if you get chance?', then fine. To choose what I feel he might want to wear, what shoes he'll want and to pack it... too much. He can make decisions.

motherinferior · 12/04/2017 17:22

Pant-inspection. Just no.

Original poster
Confuso · 12/04/2017 17:23

I will talk to my friend when we get back as I didn't want to do it by text. No text of apology yet though Hmm

Ecur - I don't know what to say except this is just how we are.There are things I do for him and there are different things he does for me and we don't really discuss it. We very rarely bicker about day to day stuff. He's appreciative of what I do and I know he would do anything for me so it's ok. We just do what comes naturally and it's not a tit-for-tat mentality.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confuso · 12/04/2017 17:25

That's not to say he doesn't drive me crazy sometimes, but we never argue about laundry or shopping.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 12/04/2017 17:32

lazyarse where has anybody said they don't ever do anything for their OH (and by the way everyone, not everyone is married, this isn't about being a "wife"). Wha tI said is that I don't do personal stuff for my DP tjat he is completely capable of doing himself and which I consider an adult should have a personal input to. Doing the washing up is a household chore therefore part of the divvying up of tasks. Packing a holiday case is a personal thing and should be done, IMO, by the person who will be wearing the clothes once they are 12yo or older. If someone tried to pack for me I would literally just be open mouthed with horror ie OP I would not "be appreciative" at. all.

BitOutOfPractice · 12/04/2017 17:33

By the way, I've just asked DP how he would feel if I packed for him. He looked at me in confusion and disbelief and said "how would you know what to pack?"

Lovelymess · 12/04/2017 17:35

I pack for me and the kids though they're only young. (Eldest helps me with hers) and I help OH with his packing as he'll probably end up forgetting something obvious like socks Hmm

Ecureuil · 12/04/2017 17:44

I help OH with his packing as he'll probably end up forgetting something obvious like socks hmm

He'd only forget them once though, I bet!

keffie12 · 12/04/2017 17:47

She is not friend IMHO: it is not her business and who the heck does she think she is speaking to you like that, after you having her DD for 2 days.

I wouldn't bother with her anymore. Let her find someone else to mind her DD.

twinsmummy5 · 12/04/2017 17:52

Wow , we've been going abroad 2-3 times a year since our boys were 3 , they're now almost 10 and I have ALWAYS packed my hubby and kids cases - and I've never thought any thing of it either ! I will get all suitable holiday clothes out and ask hubby which ones he wants then I'll pack enough underwear , along with his deodorants , etc . The kids don't care what they wear and I always pick their clothes all they will choose is some items for the plane and a teddy each ! Seriosly don't see the problem - I'm packing my own so why not !? Hubby and kids could do it if I asked them to but I'd only go through them to check they had everything anyway !

MumsGoneToYonderLand · 12/04/2017 17:56

he 'puts his clothes by the suitcase' then I go through it, veto, add to etc. I pack all kids, 6 & 9. but I do WFH.
I just like to control what goes in! We have very defined holiday roles. husband generally books (not chooses, obvs) holiday, car hire, airport parking etc and i do travel insurance, packing and buying all the crap you have to take such as sun block. works well for us.
I cant believe how strongly some MNs feel about this! Of course if he goes away with friends/on business he packs his own! but if he is travelling with me I want to ensure he packs what I want him to wear!! without creases.

IloveBanff · 12/04/2017 18:02

I thought all adults did their own packing. After all, they're the ones who know what they want to take. I would be perfectly to pack for my husband if he wanted me to, so it's not a matter of being "bolshy" about it, he just automatically packs his own case, as I do mine.

IloveBanff · 12/04/2017 18:03

I completely agree with you BitOutOfPractice.