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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to pack DH and the kids' cases?

753 replies

Confuso · 11/04/2017 17:35

A friend who is normally lovely has just turned on me out of the blue. I've had her 7 year old DD here all day which is absolutely fine as she is good friends with my DD. My older two have been mooching around and I've been mainly in "project pack" as we're going on holiday tomorrow night.

When my friend came to collect at 4pm, she had to come upstairs and drag her DD out of our wardrobe because she was playing a hiding game. In the midst of this she suddenly started on me, saying she couldn't believe I was actually ironing and packing for DH. Haven't I got enough to do with the kids? I should stop acting like a bloody martyr because this man doesn't know he's born and never did. Her 12 year old packs his own stuff like any other capable child and I should stop pandering to the lot of them. I have been making a rod for my own back for too long and DH is on another planet Shock There was more as well.

Don't most people pack for the family if you're going away and AIBU to think I'm not weird and wonder what all that was about? I feel quite upset tbh as I've had her DD for 2 days and that's how she speaks to me.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 12/04/2017 14:08

I agree. I think it's perfectly right to share jobs, to do things for your partner and they do things for you, of course.

I just cannot imagine a situation where I would want someone packing my clothes for me before going on holiday, deciding what underwear, tops, shoes etc.... It seems to me to be a really odd thing to not do that yourself, and to entrust that to another person, even if they know you really well.

I still think your friend was very rude though.

MrsJayy · 12/04/2017 14:10

Oh gawd i had a hoha with a mumsnetter about buying socks for Dh the thread lasted pages and pages ended up with the sock buyers infantizing control freaks whos self worth was wrapped up in buying socks for the menfolk and us sock buyers were wee wifeys Grin

BitOutOfPractice · 12/04/2017 14:15

"If DH's boxers and socks are looking worn out I assume he likes them like that,"

Quite. I have some family heirloom aged older pants that are amongst my favourites. If DP took it upon himself to thrown them away I would be horrified and, since some of them are faithful "period pants", he might find out just how upset I am at a time when I am least able to remain rational Grin

MrsJayy · 12/04/2017 14:19

Ive never bought man pants though he buys his own I wouldn't know the size even if the notion took me to buy them.

Fuzzipeg · 12/04/2017 14:24

I always pack. We holiday in the U.K. so need a range of clothes for the weather, wellies, flip flops etc. I wouldn't expect dcs to know what they needed for a week. The last time I let dh pack were miles from shops on a bank holiday weekend and he brought no underwear 😕. I spent my break away driving about looking for somewhere to buy some! All dps are different and no business of anyone else's who packs.

Original poster
Confuso · 12/04/2017 14:25

I do think it's harder to buy clothes for women unless you know them very well indeed. It's easier with men though, especially work wear, as it doesn't vary as much. If I see something for him while I'm out, I'll just get it and put it in his closet and he may or may not notice. Maybe he thinks the sock fairies come, I don't know?

As I said, he loathes shopping, but if he's on a trip (and hanging around airports) he often will bring me back shoes, or a scarf or lingerie because he knows what I like and why not? Or he orders things online.

OP posts:
Renaissance2017 · 12/04/2017 14:25

Who'd of thought this thread would get to 14 pages!!!!

Hmmm. The underwear twist is interesting. I would have no problem with my wife picking up socks and boxers for me. It doesn't matter to me what I wear and men's underwear is pretty generic, so she tends to pick what she likes.

However if I were to buy her underwear on the same premise, would I be considered controlling?

I wouldn't, because let's be honest what I would buy probably wouldn't be practical for her to go to the gym in!

RegTheMonkey1 · 12/04/2017 14:26

We've been married 20 years and I have never once packed for him. He does his case, I do mine.

Ecureuil · 12/04/2017 14:26

The last time I let dh pack were miles from shops on a bank holiday weekend and he brought no underwear 😕

Well that would teach him for next time wouldn't it!
DH is a senior manager in financial services with a 1st class degree. I assume that as he can get that far in his career, he can also manage to figure out what he needs for a week away.

BitOutOfPractice · 12/04/2017 14:28

I actually love packing as it happens. But only for myself. Chosing the outfits, shoes and accessories to go with them, mini toiletries and sample stuff I've saved to take away. Love it.

Packing seven pairs of mens' pants...less appealing to me.

Bonez · 12/04/2017 14:34

I pack my partners suitcase for him because I'm one of those people who likes packing...

Charell20 · 12/04/2017 14:37

I always pack for the family. I don't personally see anything wrong with that. Surely it's easier to make sure you have everything you need if one person does it?

motherinferior · 12/04/2017 14:48

I don't know what he considers he needs for a holiday, though. Why would I?

I love the point about Period Pants.Grin

motherinferior · 12/04/2017 14:51

Oh yes, the minis! The samples! The joy!

LordCake · 12/04/2017 14:52

I really don't see why things like this are such a big deal. Why on earth shouldn't a wife do something for her husband? There is such a big thing now about "he should be doing that" I honestly don't see the issue.

If you are being forced to do all the "wife work" and have no free time whilst your partner sits on their ass then yes there is a problem but if you are happy to do these things why is it even an issue?

I pack most stuff for our family because I find it less stressful for me. I like to know we have everything and DH hates packing. Why shouldn't I do it? It doesn't mean I'm a put upon wife ffs

littlepooch · 12/04/2017 14:56

I don't pack for DH, it's never occurred to me to and I don't think he'd like me to anyway. He is very particular both in his clothes and how his suitcase is actually packed - he travels a lot for work and has a way of packing that he swears is the best way haha.

I pack for myself and for DD (but she is only 17 months bless her) and that and getting the cat sorted os more than enough for me!

If it doesn'

AnnPerkins · 12/04/2017 14:56

This reminds me of the time we heard our friend tell her DH she'd brought his 'play' shorts to a BBQ we were having. This had the effect of instantly transforming him into a 5yo boy in our imaginations. DH and I still threaten offer to pack each other's play shorts even now 20 years later.

Original poster
Confuso · 12/04/2017 15:02

Play pants? GrinGrin What did she mean?

OP posts:
AnnPerkins · 12/04/2017 15:16

Play shorts. So if he wanted to play outside he wouldn't get his nice clothes dirty... Like you might do for a 5 year old.

MrsJayy · 12/04/2017 15:18

Play pants oooeer Grin

SuperVeggie · 12/04/2017 15:24

I really enjoy packing, but my DH hates it, so I'm happy to do it for him and he's happy that he doesn't have to bother. Likewise, I HATE washing up, but my DH quite enjoys it (listens to football shows on the radio, podcasts etc) so he does it and I hardly ever do. It's fine for you to do stuff for your DH and vice versa. Don't listen to people who say 'oh he should grow up and do it himself'. It's nice to do stuff for each other, as long as he does his fair share elsewhere.

Oh and also, if I didn't do my DH's packing then we would end up with some quite 'interesting' holiday photos as he's colour blind and doesn't always really know what goes with what...

Original poster
Confuso · 12/04/2017 15:24

Thank god I'm out of Waitrose. I had a fit if hysterics in the queue and the cashier thought I was a loon.

OP posts:
SuperVeggie · 12/04/2017 15:25

Haha my DH also has his 'messing about shorts' (thankfully he doesn't call them play shorts...). When I asked him what they were for he said 'oh you know, playing football, climbing trees' - he was actually being serious Grin

InvisibleKittenAttack · 12/04/2017 15:26

But skerrywind - it's not the same to say "will you pick me up some tampons?" To your DH just deciding that your sanitary products are now his job to buy because you asked him once and he now buys them every month, deciding what you'll use and it just appearing in the bathroom like a SanPro fairy has been...

It seems weird for a man to take over control of things like what their DW wears, yet really common for woman to dress their DH.

It might be easier with men's clothes because there's less range, but still you are deciding what he needs, like your his mum.

How did it start? That's the bit I always find odd, did you just take it upon yourself to throw out his stuff and buy more without checking first? Did he ask you to take over the thinking about clothes? (Not just buy something when he asked).

limon · 12/04/2017 15:27

Really rude of her. I tend to pack for me and dd and dh packs his stuff.

The other factor is if you're at home and he's at work then it makes sense for you to pack for him.

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