Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to pack DH and the kids' cases?

753 replies

Confuso · 11/04/2017 17:35

A friend who is normally lovely has just turned on me out of the blue. I've had her 7 year old DD here all day which is absolutely fine as she is good friends with my DD. My older two have been mooching around and I've been mainly in "project pack" as we're going on holiday tomorrow night.

When my friend came to collect at 4pm, she had to come upstairs and drag her DD out of our wardrobe because she was playing a hiding game. In the midst of this she suddenly started on me, saying she couldn't believe I was actually ironing and packing for DH. Haven't I got enough to do with the kids? I should stop acting like a bloody martyr because this man doesn't know he's born and never did. Her 12 year old packs his own stuff like any other capable child and I should stop pandering to the lot of them. I have been making a rod for my own back for too long and DH is on another planet Shock There was more as well.

Don't most people pack for the family if you're going away and AIBU to think I'm not weird and wonder what all that was about? I feel quite upset tbh as I've had her DD for 2 days and that's how she speaks to me.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 12/04/2017 12:42

I didn't say I'd be freaked out Confused I said buying pants is something that any adult can manage for themselves. I might buy him posh pants for a present for birthday / valentines / christmas. But not his everyday ones. Because he's a grown up

Original poster
Confuso · 12/04/2017 12:46

He has grey shirts, blue shirts, white shirts, trousers and couple of smarter jackets for evenings, shorts, few t-shirts, jeans, jumper or fleece - Bob's your uncle!

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 12/04/2017 12:47

I'm beginning to think I'm the freak now, treating my DP like an adult and "allowing" him to chose his own clothes and underwear Hmm

KazenoTaninoNaushika · 12/04/2017 12:51

Personally wouldn't pack my DP's case because I'm a lazy little shit. Probably let my DC do their own too, for the slightly more noble reason of instilling responsibility. However I think it's lovely that you do and I bet it makes your Dfamily feel cherished. My lovely, long-passed DM did everything for us and we felt loved and grateful as a result. I bloody miss her!!!

InvisibleKittenAttack · 12/04/2017 13:01

Erm, the now DH was mid-20's when I met him, as he had left home for uni at 18 then moved to another part of the country for work, he had been living as an independent adult who had to think about sourcing his own clothing when it needed replacing. It didn't occur to me to "take over" the thinking about what clothing he should own.

I'm a SAHM now, and will wash any clothes put in the "dirty clothes basket", will hang out and put in a pile for DH to put away, as he's a fully functioning adult, I leave it up to him to decide if they need binning or not and then if he needs to buy more.

I work on the principle that me being at home does not reduce his free time, if anything I do far more than before we had DCs and we both worked FT, so he has more free time to deal with his personal chores.

I think he picks up socks and pants when in M&S near his office, he's never once turned up with a pack of tights for me that he's thrown in the basket while in there.

I do find the idea that a grown man doesn't buy his own clothes odd. It seems strange that so many men who managed before they lived with their now DW are suddenly incapable once in a relationship.

JacquesHammer · 12/04/2017 13:03

But all this doing this personal stuff for people because they are too busy and important to do it themselves is just a step too far for me

But what is wrong with doing something for someone who is too busy?! When I was a SAHM and ExH worked, where would be the benefit of me not doing it for him?

He more than pulled his weight in other areas. I just don't think one person in a partnership doing a job is indicative of a deep-rooted unfairness.

JacquesHammer · 12/04/2017 13:04

Well yeah Bit but wouldn't it be weird if I was going to X shop. And DH said "could you pick me up some pants". And I said "no you're old enough to do it yourself". Thereby requiring another trip

skerrywind · 12/04/2017 13:04

I do find the idea that a grown man doesn't buy his own clothes odd. It seems strange that so many men who managed before they lived with their now DW are suddenly incapable once in a relationship.

It's not that they are incapable - it's simply that I have far more time.

I really really don't get the issue here.
This isn't about infantalising, it's about teamwork.

BitOutOfPractice · 12/04/2017 13:08

But Jacques how do I know which ones he wants? This is genuinely amazing to me. That you decide when your DH needs new pants. Throw ones away that you consider past it. And go out and chose which ones he should now be wearing. Christ if anyone did that for me I'd be a. mortified and b. furious

InvisibleKittenAttack · 12/04/2017 13:08

Oh and there's a difference between "I pack, everyone picks what they want to take, but I put in the various bags to spread the weight." And "I pack, it is me who makes the decisions about what each person will be taking on holiday." It's the 2nd that seems weirdly controlling and mothering.

skerrywind · 12/04/2017 13:10

I visit a supermarket several times a week.
OH is out of the house 80 hours a week, rarely back before 8pm.

He could go to buy his clothes ( and underwear) on his way back from work, but that would make him even later that his is getting back from work.
Or he could take himself off on a Saturday to buy his new socks, but frankly I would rather go out for lunch, and I really don't want to waste our time together doing something as banal as sock shopping.

It tales me all of 30 seconds to pass the sock isle in the supermarket and chuck in a few packs- why wouldn't I?

It would seem petty to not buy stuff for him when it is so easy for me to do it.

MaryTheCanary · 12/04/2017 13:12

I can't imagine packing for another adult.

For a kid, depends on age, but I would offer some help/suggestions even for an older kid, simply to make sure that we didn't end up wasting money having to buy things that were forgotten. Kids don't think of every eventuality.

skerrywind · 12/04/2017 13:12

But Jacques how do I know which ones he wants? This is genuinely amazing to me.

Not everyone cares about the pants they wear- I do, I like to choose myself, but not everyone gives a shit.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 12/04/2017 13:15

But you having more time doesn't mean they suddenly have less time than when they managed it before.

It's not your DH thinking "Hmm, looks like I need some new black socks, I'll ask my DW if she sees some in the supermarket to get me some." It's you deciding what he needs and deciding the styles. I have never heard of a woman who works full time not buying/choosing her own clothes.

skerrywind · 12/04/2017 13:17

So for those that think all individual should be doing personal things for themselves- how far does that extend?

If OH asked me to pick up a prescription for him or I asked him for me- is that a "no go" because it's a personal thing and we could end up infantilising each other, or if I need some contact lens solution or tampax- that should be a no?
If OH needs some shaving gel or new razors or shoe laces and I am going to the supermarket then should that be no?

Original poster
Confuso · 12/04/2017 13:18

It's obvious though when you're putting underwear away and they it looks worn. Boxers are boxers, socks are socks. So I just get him some new ones. He hardly notices tbh. He hates shopping and the clothes he needs are fairly obvious so I tend to buy his clothes for him. The only thing I can't buy is his suits, but he goes to his tailor which is near where he works. And he has unusual feet so I wouldn't buy shoes for him. He is more likely to buy clothes or underwear for me than for himself. He's quite good at it.

OP posts:
HicDraconis · 12/04/2017 13:23

I don't have fancy underwear sets - I don't have the figure for it nor the inclination to wear it. Bras I buy as they need to fit properly.

Socks are generic black cotton ankle socks in the size 2-6 area, pants are likewise black cotton briefs of the appropriate size. DH does the laundry, he throws away the stuff with holes in, he then replaces it next time he's stocking up on boy stuff.

Yes I could go out at the weekends but we'd rather do stuff together, it's just easier for him to grab it in passing. Likewise with prescriptions. DH doesn't choose what I wear! He just runs the house so well I don't have to worry about ever running out of clean undies 😄

skerrywind · 12/04/2017 13:25

But you having more time doesn't mean they suddenly have less time than when they managed it before.

No but we are a team- partners. And we do things for each other.

Seems an alien concept to some.

Oldraver · 12/04/2017 13:27

I think its a bit rich of her, not to mention disrespectful, berating you for spending your time packing for you DH when she is quite glad of your time to look after her DC's.

We're just packing for a few days away...it's a joint effort this time as I want all our stuff in one bag...but OH and DS quite capable of packing themselves. It depends on the circumstances who does the work.

Its up to you how you run your household..as someone who has over the years had many roles (like most families) ie SAHM full time working Mum, single parent etc....how you are now isnt='t always how it will be in the future

JacquesHammer · 12/04/2017 13:30

But Jacques how do I know which ones he wants?

Because I know which ones he bought?

Similarly if he was in Boots I might ask him to pick up some tampons. He would do that because he knows which ones I buy.

It's not about infantilising. It's about the ridiculousness of creating extra shopping trips when they're not necessary. Who is utterly churlish enough to be in a shop and say "no go yourself"

WheresLarry · 12/04/2017 13:31

I generally pack for the family. DW helps sometimes but I like to make sure we have packed enough.

Girlsworld92 · 12/04/2017 13:52

I pack & organise everything for us all (2 young girls) except his clothes just because it's easier for me to do, he would forget something and it doesn't take long (I quite enjoy it)
It literally takes him 5 minutes to do his stuff as he's a 5 tshirts, 3 shorts & 3 jeans for a week away type of packer 😂

BitOutOfPractice · 12/04/2017 14:03

*"And we do things for each other.

Seems an alien concept to some."*

I assume by that that you mean "seems an alien concept to BitOutOfPractice" Wink

Of course we do stuff for each other. Of course we do. But not these sort of personal stuff.

As I said before, if someone decided for me what pants I wore, what I wear to work, what I want to wear on holiday I would be horrified, angry.

Of course that doesn't mean I'm not happy if my DP buys me something lovely that he thought I might like, as a present / one off. It doesn't mean that I don't wash his pants if they're in the basket and I'm putting a wash on. It just means that I don't want or need him to wipe my arse, metephorically, like a baby, no matter how busy i am. That to me is not an equal relationship

motherinferior · 12/04/2017 14:04

I don't notice if my partner's pants and socks are worn out. Why would I?

And if I did, I'd assume he'd replace them. It wouldn't really be a major concern of mine.

If I started producing replacements he would be perturbed and possibly slightly offended.

Ecureuil · 12/04/2017 14:08

If DH's boxers and socks are looking worn out I assume he likes them like that, as he'd have bought new ones otherwise!
I do plenty for DH, as he does for me (he does all the cooking, for example). I just don't think packing for a holiday or buying underwear comes under the umbrella of 'household chores to be divided'.
DH wears t-shirts, shorts and hoodies on holiday. He still picks his own t-shirts, shorts and hoodies to take and puts them in a case. I assume he has some he likes better than others.

Swipe left for the next trending thread