AIBU to pack DH and the kids' cases?

[Confuso]

A friend who is normally lovely has just turned on me out of the blue. I've had her 7 year old DD here all day which is absolutely fine as she is good friends with my DD. My older two have been mooching around and I've been mainly in "project pack" as we're going on holiday tomorrow night.

When my friend came to collect at 4pm, she had to come upstairs and drag her DD out of our wardrobe because she was playing a hiding game. In the midst of this she suddenly started on me, saying she couldn't believe I was actually ironing and packing for DH. Haven't I got enough to do with the kids? I should stop acting like a bloody martyr because this man doesn't know he's born and never did. Her 12 year old packs his own stuff like any other capable child and I should stop pandering to the lot of them. I have been making a rod for my own back for too long and DH is on another planet There was more as well.

Don't most people pack for the family if you're going away and AIBU to think I'm not weird and wonder what all that was about? I feel quite upset tbh as I've had her DD for 2 days and that's how she speaks to me.

Packing a suitcase will never be the same again

DH is not the housework kind

Not really that hard to figure out where the comment came from then is it.

Often those kicking back at the 1950s comment, with their 'it's just doing something for someone you love' seem to think there's a load of women who never do anything 'nice' for there husbands. Load of nonsense of course spouses do things for each other. It's to do with the attitude and expectation of the spouse that makes it 'back to the 1950s'.

It's different when the spouse 'isn't the type' , why isn't he?

I don't understand why doing something as part of a partnership is "infantilising".

When I had a DH, he would work right up until the last minute. He would then call at the supermarket on the way home and get food if we were doing self-catering in the UK. Therefore he would get out the clothes he wanted to take and I would spread them across two cases.

I mean of course we could have done it together as a nice bonding activity "this one in yours, this one in mine" but realistically why would we?

Don't most partnerships involve division of labour?!

I used to pack for DH and the children when they were little as we usually only took a couple of cases between us and I was at home However DH always picked the clothes he wanted packed.
When the children got older everyone did their own packing.

This person doesn't sound like a friend. I think ywnbu and even if you had been what business is it of this person? What's done is done, verbally attacking you now makes no difference to the situation, so they should keep their nose out.

Maybe exh should have considered the consequences before having an ea? He made his bed.

Tizzy - to try and answer that, I think he's "not the type" partly because of his own attitudes which no doubt stem from his own background, partly because his working hours have meant that he's not used to being in the "loop"of housework and partly because I have facilitated it, I guess.

What is an ea and also he's not my exh!

I'm not the housework kind either. But it has to be done. Saying "I just don't like it do I'm not doing it" isn't really an option for, you know, adults. It's also deeply, deeply unattractive in a partner. I could never fancy a man who wasn't capable - or rather refused to because he's too busy and important - of packing his own pants and socks. It's like having another toddler.

What "loop" is there to be kept in that so mysteriously opaque to him? Toilets need cleaning. Kids need feeding. Floors need cleaning. Cases need packing. It's not hard to work out. I bet he doesn't have trouble grasping much more nuanced and complicated "routines" at work.

I'll add that me and my dp both work long hours in ft jobs. We have 4 kids between us. I'd no sooner pack for him than wipe his arse. He's not a child.

I take your point Bluntness, although I do remember my father in law being very surprised that I wasn't very good at the car mechanics bit. I've taught myself over the years but there was an expectation that I should just know! I suppose in a way that's also an example of the pressure history puts on you.

i do think though that quite often the person not doing the particular chores just falls out of the habit of doing it. And if you do it regularly you kind of sort out the house to suit you. You know where everything is, the most efficient way etc so it just becomes easier than someone else struggling through it.

Your friend was very rude. She sounded a bit stressed.

I would never even think about packing for DH. He packs for himself and DSS. I do think that DSS at 15 should pack for himself, but DH does it all. DH is a massive over packer. He will take 4 suitcases away when he goes away for two weeks with DSS. I can not stand to watch him pack so much stuff.

I pack my stuff, and will ask my kids, both teens to get together what they want to take, give me washing and pack their own stuff. As they are used to going to stay at their Dads they are quite good at packing now and I do not really need to check. I like to pack lightly. The kids and I can have one suitcase between us.

I don't see it's anyone's business.

I am happy doing 90% of the housework, I set a good example to our children, ( I earn more than my OH).
He works very long hours- I don't want to work more.
I also don't want him to be having to do laundry at weekends, I would rather get that done during the week when I have time and keep weekends for family time.

Suits us fine.

DH packs for himself as do our older children. He always leaves his packing till the last minute and as I'm a 'make lists for everything we might need then tick it all off' type person I get slightly irate about it!
However as far as the kids are concerned I do check their bags over before we go. Mainly because for a week away DS (16) will pack 3 t shirts, some tracksuit bottoms, maybe a hoodie and then stuff his bag with hair gel, wax, 3 types of deodorants, aftershave and anything else he thinks he might need but generally no clean underwear...
DD (11) on the other hand would take her entire wardrobe with her if she could fit it in her suitcase!

When I say "loop" I mean routine and habit. To his mind also, we have a cleaner, so it's not as if he expects me to do everything. In terms of cooking, he would make the kids egg on toast or something if I was out, but he does expect me to cook for him in general which a lot of people would find offensive. I do actually quite enjoy cooking, but no so much with kids making demands at the same time, admittedly. Mostly, I suppose I do it because I can and I feel as if I should because I have time, rightly or wrongly.

How many men do you think but their wives underwear and pack suitcases for them ? Very very few I'd imagine.

I don't know, but my DH is one of them. When we go away as a family, we all get together what we want to take and leave the piles on our bed. DH then sorts and packs into however many suitcases we are taking. He also buys my knickers, socks & tights when I need a top up.

He also does all the laundry (including whatever is needed while we are away, I tried to help out and had to ask him which bit of the drawer the washing tablet went into - have never had to know before!), all the organising of car hire, money, insurances, driving, passports and making my coffee in bed in the morning I sort daytrips & booking hotels, pick restaurants for dinner (we try not to self cater).

The boys (9&10) are told to get X pairs of pants / socks / tops / mix of shorts and trousers, they've been choosing their own clothes to take away since they were around 8. DH still puts them into the cases. When the boys go on school camp, they are given the packing list and they have to find the clothes, thermals, camping plates, wash kit & pack themselves entirely.

Can't scroll back up as on the app but another SAHD posted to say he did all the traditional "man work" like DIY etc as well as the house stuff - DH is the same. He does all house stuff plus all DIY stuff, cars, house maintenance, recycling, bins etc. I cook & meal plan because I'm good at it and DH isn't (though if I'm held up at work he will throw something on the table, usually bacon & tomato pasta).

We play to our strengths. I pick up the slack here and there but he appreciates my contribution in terms of WOH (I earn all family money & pay DH a salary, though we have completely shared joint accounts, equal access to money etc) and really I do far less than it's suggested here that working husbands with SAHP should do. I'd estimate it's an 80:20 split in our household of domesticity. Works for us and if a friend commented on DH being a kept man or raised her eyebrows at him doing the laundry and packing it would lead to interesting discussions!

My boys are learning that men are as good as women at household stuff and that mummy can go out to work while daddy stays at home. Both still have strong work ethics and both want careers when they're older. Though having read the thread on daughters marrying well I may suggest to them that they look for a high flying high salaried wife

He sounds pretty amazing Hic!

"I earn all family money & pay DH a salary"

I am starting to despair! Reversing the gener doesn't make that sort of stuff right. And the day someone buys my tight socks and pants for me is the day I give up completely.

Of course people in relationships do stuff for each other. Of course they share the tasks out. But all this doing this personal stuff for people because they are too busy and important to do it themselves is just a step too far for me

*gender

I'm not too busy and important, I never said I was. I said DH does the family stuff he's good at, which does include picking up a multipack of socks and tights when he's out getting the boys new bits.

I pay him a salary because he pays less tax than I do (and because he does the management & financial side of my private work, I'd have to pay someone to do it so why not him?)

We work as a team. We both contribute different skills. His are definitely superior in the packing department. We could both do house stuff but he does the majority because my hours are long and unpredictable (OK, there I did say I'm too busy) and because he would feel he was taking me for a ride if he didn't (MN would call him a cocklodger!!)

Reversing the genders is important. It shows that men and women have an equal opportunity to work, or stay home.

My colleagues have a great job share - they add up to just over 1.0FTE, he does 3 and she does 2 days a week. Whoever is at home does chores on those days, works for them.

Yes- he's too busy- what's the issue with that?

I pack. Everyone chooses their own clothes but we only take 2 bags between us so I physically put stuff into the bag. It is easier to do it together than one person put stuff in, then the next.

Even for an overnight stay we take a bag between us.

BitOut - why would you be freaked out about buying underwear for you DH? It's just like anything else? If I notice his socks are going missing, I just pick up some more when I remember. He has bought me loads of lingerie over the years (not tacky stuff I should add) and it's nice to have more luxury things than you would tend to buy for yourself.

Quite apart from all the partnership / inequality stuff it throws up for me, how the hell does someone else know what you want to wear on holiday? Presuming you're older than say, 10. I would not be happy to have someone control what I was supposed to wear.

I buy underwear for the whole family- DS(19, DD (16) OH and myself.

I grab it when I am in the supermarket with my shopping. Why is that a big deal? If I notice that old ones are threadbare then I buy new stuff.
Am I missing something?

I really don't see the issue. Everyone is busy with work/school/college it's much easier for me to do it than them.