AIBU to pack DH and the kids' cases?

[Confuso]

A friend who is normally lovely has just turned on me out of the blue. I've had her 7 year old DD here all day which is absolutely fine as she is good friends with my DD. My older two have been mooching around and I've been mainly in "project pack" as we're going on holiday tomorrow night.

When my friend came to collect at 4pm, she had to come upstairs and drag her DD out of our wardrobe because she was playing a hiding game. In the midst of this she suddenly started on me, saying she couldn't believe I was actually ironing and packing for DH. Haven't I got enough to do with the kids? I should stop acting like a bloody martyr because this man doesn't know he's born and never did. Her 12 year old packs his own stuff like any other capable child and I should stop pandering to the lot of them. I have been making a rod for my own back for too long and DH is on another planet There was more as well.

Don't most people pack for the family if you're going away and AIBU to think I'm not weird and wonder what all that was about? I feel quite upset tbh as I've had her DD for 2 days and that's how she speaks to me.

I usually pack for DH as well as the kids. I think it's a bit of a control thing on my part rather than them being lazy! Now they are a bit bigger I usually ask them to pull out what they want but I will still go through it and check and pack - even if DH does the same! I don't consider it 'making a rod for my own back' or any of the other rude things your 'friend' said. Do what you want OP. It's really none of her business!

My DH chooses what he wants to take and leaves it out for me. I then pack it in the cases - I like to spread the stuff out so we don't have one case for him and one for me, as that distributes the weight and if one suitcase gets lost we both still have clothes!

When it comes to actually putting the clothes in a case that's really a one person job and I like to do it so I know how much space I have when I'm shopping on holiday!

I always left the 'supervision' of the packing to the most organised person - that's me. DH packed his own clothes and I packed mine BUT the other stuff by me.

A list comes in handy here - think of all the things you need and tick them off as they're packed.

Perhaps your friend is stressed about something else and she just put the blame on your packing. It's strange that it meant so much to her.

It's none of her business. I do packing - always have as I am a) good at lists (essential when 8 people are going away for a fortnight) b) enjoy the building excitement of holiday approaching and c) husband usually finished work about 10 pm the day before we went. It's not a martyr, it's not being oppressed, it's what works for us. He on the other hand is very good at getting dirty clothes out at the end of the holiday and getting them laundered. He often manages to find a washing machine/laundry service whilst on holiday so we come home with clean clothes. I don't want to spend my holiday laundering but if he does...... The children can and do now but the number of times we've all been delayed for paper scissors in pencil case in hand luggage, a jif lemon in hand luggage (to make hair blonder), four gun cartridges in hold luggage because they're 'cool' and forgotten swimming costumes/pills/tampons/coat etc mean I relax more if I know we have everything.
P.S. Don't understand concern about him rooting around in my knicker drawer.

Assuming you weren't moaning to her about the effort in doing something unnecessary then she was completely out of order.

You seem to be asking if her point was well made rather than if your friend was a rude bitch and that somehow excuses it?

None. Of. Her. Business

I pack for the kids (because they would forget everything) but do not pack for DH. He doesn't want me too as he knows what he wants to wear just as he wouldn't pack for me.

I think the issue is what your friend said and the way she delivered it. I think she has crossed a line here. She might think you do too much for your dh, but that is up to you not her. After all, she is also quite happy to let you mind her child for her isn't she?

I cannot stand people who stick their noses in other people's family business, get a life and look after your own family.

perhaps she feels bad about taking advantage of you, you having looked after her dd for 2 days, so she took out her guilt on your dh blaming him for taking advantage of you too. clutches at straws

is she a good friend? i would tell her she upset you.

i let my 11 yo do her own packing now, and my dh does his. i pack for the others as i think they're too young still. i do think you could step back and let the kids take more responsibility. if it's a nice thing you do for your dh and you're happy to do it, then who's business is it?

I think a lot of mothers don't realise the message they send to their children if they witness them as the ones who do all domestic chores.

I recall my husband and I before we were married, staying at his parents house and we were getting ready to go out , my husband said to me "can you iron my shirt" i looked at him like he was clearly deranged and said " don't be so ridiculous iron your own shirt" . At which point his mother gave me a filthy look and said "I'll iron your shirt". And she did much to my surprise.

What the actual fuck? He was a grown man, late twenties, plenty of time, capable of ironing as he was forces at the time. When I asked her why she would do that she was clearly bemused and basically had always done the domestic work for the men in her family and was bemused only because I didn't see it that way and didn't think I had to do all the domestic chores for him,

As said though my own family was different. My grandmothers would have done the same as me and told their husbands and sons to stop being lazy bastards and what did their last slave die of. Male superiority? Yup, let's perpetuate that little myth and iron their clothes and pack their suitcases and buy their pants for them.

Of the two sides I know which I prefer. All three women in this worked full time, the only difference was one, MIL, worked full time and also thought she should do everything for her husband and sons. She didn't feel the same about women though and expected her daughter in laws to follow her example. Both of us made it clear that wasn't ever happening much to her horror.

Nabobs I can only speak for myself, but only DH knows what he wants to wear when he's not working or slobbing around the house.

Just the two of us , we both work full time and long hours but I work for myself so I can be a lot more flexible , he often works right up to the last minute .

I pack my clothes, the toiletries and cameras /chargers etc, DP packs his own clothes and is in charge of the paperwork , I would happily pack his clothes but actually He's much better than I am at packing & folding .
Trips and holidays are joint effort. I usually do the booking ( joint choice destinations ) and get any monies, visas etc and he sorts out an itinerary for whilst we are away ( we usually travel as opposed to holiday )
I sort and wash all the clothes on return , it's really no biggy & fits in with my work easiest ( and I'm nothing remotely like a subservient 50's housewife )

Surely it doesn't really matter who does what if it works fine for your family - as long as you are happy it's got nothing to do with anyone else

It sounds like your friend has issues , sounds like she's jealous of your holiday , belittles your home life choices whilst using you as a free child minding service ......

OP you sound lovely , there are plenty of nicer people out there to be friends with so go and find a few nice ones to be friends with , you don't need her or her nasty comments

Enjoy your holiday 🍦🍹✈️

I pack for my husband, but then once I have, he does every bit of the humping around of the luggage. I don't touch it again until we're there. I feel like it's fair, and I'm the better organiser. He will say if there's a particular Shirt etc that he wants. If there's time, and that's IF there's time, then I let my DS 6 pack his own bag. If we're leaving straight from school, then maybe not. Who cares really anyway?! Who would be so bloody rude! You make your own rules as a couple. As long as he's not being abusive to you, why is there this tirade about him being crap??

Bluntness - I take your point and I have two sons so maybe I need to think about these things more seriously.

My friend's DH does iron his own shirts for business trips because I've seen him doing it. So she probably thinks I'm either stupid or oppressed.

Years ago, this friend stayed with us in our house with her 2 DC for about 5 days because they were relocating to Sweden for a year due to her DH's job. He had already gone and she had vacated her house, but needed to supervise the cleaning and inventory because they were letting the house while away. The kids were younger then and the little ones only about 3. She used to go to the house all day and I remember feeling really stuck in my own house because I couldn't even get to the supermarket as at that time, I didn't have a 7-seater car. This went on for 5 days. One morning I came down and she had gone early. I remember clearly that she had left her breakfast things on the kitchen table, jam and crumbs all over the surfaces, butter not even put back in the fridge and just gone. I felt really disrespected then because I had cooked for her and the kids every night.

DH is not the housework kind to be brutally honest, but at least he's not a slob and would not leave food out. I think she is worse than him.

I do think bluntness raises a good point - it's amazing what societal patriarchal conditioning we don't see or aren't aware of.

I'm pretty hopeless so I need a husband to iron and cook for me really as I don't iron and my cooking is basic at best.

I pack all the cases. It's one if the few things in life that I am anal about.

I don't choose what anyone else takes- they put what they want to one side. But I do the packing.

Have been away and had one person with no clothes ( that suitcase didn't arrive) no cosmetics etc. Disaster!!!!

Op, I think it's about attitudes.

Yes both my husband and my brother were brought up to think the woman does all house hold chores. Neither married a woman who believed this, and yes they did need to adjust. But they did adjust. And with good humour.

You commented earlier that she though you were being "too wifey" and I think that's the difference in attitude. "Wifey" to me is equal partner. It is not someone who does all the household chores. The way you write it indicates you see being "wifey " associated with household drudge.

There is nothing wrong with doing stuff for each other, and there is nothing wrong with if one doesn't work they pick up the majority of house hold chores. But I would raise an eyebrow also at someone who thought they had to not only pack their husbands case but also iron his clothes on holiday. What does he do when you are doing this? He's on holiday so not working and no excuse why you need to stand ironing his clothes on holiday.

I genuinely don't think any of the men respected my mother in law for it. They just grew lazy and expected it. They were very clear it was drudge work they'd rather not do. I think this is why they adjusted wth good humour when their wives didn't,,,they knew it was shit work.

There is a huge difference between doing something for someone occasionally and taking it in turns and being expected to do it all the time.

Yes, but an 8 year old may have no idea what to take.
So you can help them with that. You can even tell them that they need 4 short sleeve tops, 2 long sleeve, something smart for a meal out....etc
That helps them learn how to become more capable.

I pack for the kids (because they would forget everything)
Just packing for them makes them less capable and it teaches them that they can't be trusted not to mess up and forget something. They don't learn the skills they need - and then we end up complaining about them as teenagers because they don't take responsibility for their own things and forget important stuff!

Even if it's easier for us to do everything, it doesn't mean that it's a good idea to do it. Our kids need us to give them our time to help them learn, not just do what is most convenient for us.

I pack all of our stuff. Mine, dh and the three kids. Dh might pull out what he wants to take if he has time. But I pack it as we tend to take one big case and a few hand luggage. So i do it a certain way to fit all in and to mix it up so if the large hold case went missing we'd all have enough stuff through the hand luggage ones.

My dh runs his own business and works his arse off and I'm a stay at home mum so I'm quite happy to do it. He always packs his own case when working away.

At the other end i will give everyone the girls their stuff and they will put theirs away. I put mine, my husband and sons away as we are sharing the same room.

Op do what suits you and don't care about what anyone else does, I dont. Your friends rude.

My dh works away and he organises his own stuff BUT holidays I go over what he's picked as he always forgets trainers or swimming trunks ect then moans (I have lists). Then if he's here dh folds

So what about my kids?

I'm a SAHD so I do all the housework, cooking and general running of the house. I've now done it for two years and to be honest my wife is out of practice so doesn't do much. It's just easier if I do. I'm not sure my kids will grow up believing men should do all the housework.

I'll throw something else into the mix. Quite often the traditional quid pro quo is that whilst the woman does all the housework the man does the DIY, car maintenance and all that stuff. When we reversed roles I still kept these jobs. I venture that would be true in most cases where there is a SAHD.

I have just seen your update about your friend sheactually sounds selfish and inconsiderate I personally get shot of her she uses you that is only inthe few posts op she is msybe different in real life.

I generally pack for Dh because he is minimalist to the max and will always under pack. His packing is 'yeah I'm done...four t shirts, six pants and my blue shorts are in already'. Mmm, great start but we're going for a fortnight Dh

We don't always do 50/50 each of every job and I could list a lot of things that fall 100% to me...but then the same goes vice versa.

I'm not sure my kids will grow up believing men should do all the housework

No, because youre not battling against a history of men having to give up their jobs when they got married, or being seen as menial, in charge of the house or purely decorative. Women are still battling this mind set somewhat and some women perpetuate it.

Men have never had to battle it. I bet you never had your father in law get upset with you because you wouldn't iron your wives clothes when you were first dating.

But what you are teaching them is men can do their share of the household chores. As for car maintenance, I sort my own out, but we both work. Even if my husband didn't I'd still sort my own car out and wouldn't expect him to iron my clothes. He's my husband not my personal slave and I'm perfectly capable of getting it serviced or topping up the oil or windscreen wash.

DH is not the housework kind to be brutally honest

Neither is mine (is anyone?) but he had to learn when he moved out of his parents house (his mum didn't do it for him either, they had a full time housekeeper!). As I had to learn when I became an adult.

How you do things, and what works in your family, is bugger all to do with anyone. Unless you're a perpetual moaner about being a put-upon SAHM (which it certainly doesn't sound like you are) then your 'friend' needs to keep her beak out and her mouth shut.

Your friend sounds like a twat and an ungrateful one, at that.

Bluntness - I'm thinking about your point and I genuinely don't know if I do his ironing because he expected me to, or if he just got my used to me doing it. I don't know if he just checked out, or if he was ever actually checked in iyswim?
Also picking up on Renaissance's point, yes there are loads of things I'm just checked out on and I hold my hands up to that - car stuff, garden or any kind of DIY to name a few. I suppose I don't do it because I never had to, so it works both ways.