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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to share a pubic hair / sex life conundrum with you?!

237 replies

meladeso · 10/04/2017 14:01

Opinions gratefully received on this weird one. Massive over-share / TMI warning!

DH is massively awesome, lucky to have v happy marriage, v evenly matched in temperament and so on, and he's great with kids / house / etc. zero complaints from me on any front.

He's also very direct and honest, which I've got used to over the years, but sometimes it means he says things you might not want to hear! he never means it unkindly, but still...

So, a while back whilst having a frank chat about sex (and honestly, lack thereof since second DC arrived last summer) and a good laugh about how we need to get back on the horse more often, so to speak, etc etc. he came out with the confession that he found my pubic hair off putting in terms of oral sex.

We've never been at it like rabbits, but clearly used to be more than we are now. I am not very hairy really, and i do have the odd trim around bikini line etc. but I have v sensitive skin.

to shave regularly (which i did in younger days) leaves me itchy, sore and with an unattractive rash.
to wax is a faff, a bit unpleasant, and besides, surely if you do it regularly, you have a couple of weeks every few weeks where you've got loads of regrowth anyway, right?!

i had a comedy feminist rant back at him about pubic hair is natural, there for a reason, and so on (see Cameron Diaz for more on this Wink) and told him the above about it leaving me uncomfortable.

he sort of understood, but he also was a bit shoulder shrug, and basically saying he didn't enjoy it au naturel, so.....

not an ultimatum as such, but left me understanding that he wasn't likely to go down there unless it was well pruned.

i just don't know how to feel about it.

Part of me feels hurt and offended and frankly a bit cross that he wants me to do something i don't want to do to suit him. Let me be clear though - he has certainly not put it like that, nor mentioned it since. I bet he hasn't given it a second thought.

However, i also certainly don't want to think he finds it off putting and either try to make him do something he doesn't want to do, or just go without for the rest of our lives.
the thought of getting busy in some way with something that I found a turn off myself is awful, so why would i expect him to be any different?

OP posts:
WyfOfBathe · 11/04/2017 00:27

It's up to you what you do with your body: shave or not.

It's up to DH what he does with his body: give oral or not.

It's not unreasonable for you to refuse to do something with your body which you don't want to do, but also it's not unreasonable for him to refuse to do something sexual which he doesn't want to do

Kiroro · 11/04/2017 00:29

That is like, the most non news story ever "These warnings aside, the survey did not look at the impact of pubic grooming on sexual or vaginal health, so no firm conclusions can be drawn."

WankingMonkey · 11/04/2017 01:04

Tell him you will not 'go down there' unless his bits are bald.

See if he can pull off the plucked chicken look and put up with the itchies of hellfire.

nelipotter · 11/04/2017 01:27

I'm getting laser on my bikini. Wish I'd done it when I was 20. Can def recommenced.

Iris65 · 11/04/2017 06:42

Always glad to find something else that women really don't need to worry about being packaged up as a "problem" and sold to us
Amazing isn't it?!

Original poster
meladeso · 11/04/2017 07:39

Sorry for the long absence

I was taking the lawnmower to my wild bush Wink and it was a heck of a job

It's really interesting to get everyone's experience and opinions thanks

To answer a couple of things -

He absolutely didn't issue an ultimatum, just expressed a preference.

I guess my question was more of a WWYD than AIBU.

I was curious to see how many people said "tell him to eff off if he can't handle it" type stuff. I sympathised with him but wasn't sure if I should be sticking up for my bush as PP said. It's natural and normal and we all need to get a grip, etc, etc.

He doesn't do anything with his pubes, but he isn't very hairy either and I am fine with it. He has offered to though, if I wanted him to.

And yes, PP who said they thought I'd moved the goalposts is correct. I think post baby 2, I just don't really feel like going through the discomfort any more. I feel a bit more like I just want to be how I am. It's perhaps an age, perspective, confidence thing?

I think I had visions of leaving it, making a bit of a stand about it inspired by Cameron Diaz Grin and telling him to man up. Thus freeing myself.

In reality, as PP rightly say, he's entitled not to like it and I certainly respect that. It's not to do with appearance / porn / pubescence for him, just the feel of it.

Don't get me wrong, I prefer the look and feel of less hair, but when it's angry and red within 24 hours it's not much fun.

These beard trimmers sound worth a try, maybe in combination with a bit of veet around the bikini line?

Any specific products you can recommend would be gratefully received.

In the meantime, I have thoroughly enjoyed learning about your pubes thank you [wink}

OP posts:
PollyPerky · 11/04/2017 07:41

It is a fashion.
Not that long ago, women were affronted when they had to have pubic hair removed when giving birth or for gynae ops. They regarded it as barbaric. Thankfully, it's now rarely done for those reasons.

I agree with all the posters who say it's terribly sad that women feel under pressure to remove body hair. When I was a girl (groan) it was just not on anyone's radar. The rebellious ones left their armpits hairy too.

It's got to be porn. Ok I concede a very few women may do it for personal preference, but apart from a minor round-the-edges trim I don't know anyone of my age group who does it.

As for blokes doing it- DH had never heard of such a thing till I mentioned these MN threads. He'd rather stick pins in his eyes- he'd never heard of anything so daft. And as he says, where would he start/ stop? Chest hair runs into tummy hair, runs into pubic hair then leg hair.

Iamastonished · 11/04/2017 07:47

"When I was a girl (groan) it was just not on anyone's radar."

I'm 58 so it just wasn't done when I was a teenager. I didn't know until recently (from reading posts on MN) that men were under pressure to do so as well.

TheFifthKey · 11/04/2017 07:55

It might have started with porn but I'd say most women over 30 remove because they maybe did it once from curiousity and then found they actually like it! This is always hard for others to understand.

Iamastonished · 11/04/2017 07:57

I had to be shaved for a laparoscopy when I was 28, and hated the itchy regrowth.

BoboChic · 11/04/2017 07:58

Why not do something to please your DH? Surely if you love him you want to please him, providing there is no painful cost to you?

user1487175389 · 11/04/2017 08:00

Unless you're willing to change yourself for him (and why should you?) I'm not sure this relationship has a future. And even if you do adopt current pubic hair trends just to please him, he may be trying to tell you he's gone off you, regardless. After all, there was a long period of time where he was willing to overlook this so called problem because he fancied you that much. Maybe things are just petering out and this is his way of saying so?

BoboChic · 11/04/2017 08:09

All relationships involve compromise and change: without them, there is no relationship.

Giddyaunt18 · 11/04/2017 08:10

If a guy had removed his pubic hair, I think that would throw serious doubt on the relationship for me. I would think what the hell are you like? Same goes for any man preening apart from a haircut and a shower!

PollyPerky · 11/04/2017 08:16

I think you ought to do what you want OP. Doing things purely to please other people when you don't want to (for all the reasons you have said) rather ends well.

I really hope it's a fashion that dies out.

I think younger women have no understanding of how older women were aghast at hair shaving before giving birth (my Mum's generation in the 40s and 50s). It was whispered about in the same sentence as 'having to have an enema and be shaved'. The idea that a woman would do it out of choice, for any other reason, was laughable.

I can't think of anything worse than a man with no pubes. I mean what happens to hair men? Do they pluck out their chest and tummy hairs too? Or do they leave a hairy chest and tummy then have this bald plucked chicken look around their willies? Hilarious.

JacquesHammer · 11/04/2017 08:18

But when NHS advises against doing this its suddenly the elephant in the room

And yet I was advised to try removing mine by a member of the NHS. A consultant in fact. I did it for the first time at the grand old age of 35 and it has been revolutionary for me

FerdinandsRevenge · 11/04/2017 08:20

Bobochick, it is uncomfortable the op said it was. And this is purely a kink that the op shouldn't feel obliged to indulge if she doesn't want to. He doesn't do it. His pubes aren't disgusting I guess

MirandaWest · 11/04/2017 08:21

I'm in my 40s as is DH. He doesn't remove any pubic hair. I occasionally get the odd hair in my mouth but I remove it. Not a problem.

I sometimes use hair removing cream and remove all my pubic hair. Other times I let it grow (am in the latter phase at the moment).
DH gets some pubes in his mouth sometimes (my clitoris isn't hairy but has hairs growing nearby. Ditto entrance to my vagina). He also doesn't find this too much of an inconvenience.He prefers me to have some pubic hair I think,

I inexplicably dislike the phrase "neat and tidy" when referring to pubic hair. Annoys me for some reason.

ToastDemon · 11/04/2017 08:25

I tried removing mine a few times when I was under thirty (the nineties so not fashionable then). I certainly didn't find that I liked it and wanted to keep doing it.
Tried shaving - the rashing and itchy regrowth were really horrible. I actually wince at the thought of scraping a razor along there now.
Tried waxing. Really sore, costs money, takes time out of my life.
Wouldn't put hair-dissolving chemicals on mucous membranes, that sounds like a really bad idea.
As someone else said, a non-problem that doesn't need to be solved.

PollyPerky · 11/04/2017 08:45

To be fair Jacques you did explain upthread that you have a particular skin condition and it was a dermatologist who advised you.

There will always be exceptions, for whatever medical reasons.

JacquesHammer · 11/04/2017 08:48

To be fair Jacques you did explain upthread that you have a particular skin condition and it was a dermatologist who advised you

It has worked miracles. Bit of a faff but regular appts has made a big difference

amusedbush · 11/04/2017 09:46

LorLorr2

DH was also born in 1990 too and when we met, I had it all waxed off. He admitted after a few weeks that he really doesn't like the bald look so I tentatively grew it out and I much prefer it! I decided to mix it up and went for a brazilian a couple of months ago and I felt bereft BlushGrin

Giddyaunt18 · 11/04/2017 09:58

Had never really discussed this with my DH in his 40s until recently as I've only ever waxed the bikini line. After reading a similar thread I asked him and he said it's what makes my body female and adult and hair in his teeth had never been an issue.

Original poster
meladeso · 11/04/2017 10:45

Haha Bobo and user what a load of twaddle!

Bobo - it HURTS the way I have previously done it. Are you suggesting I should deliberately hurt myself to please him? Outstanding.

And user - don't be so absurd and read my OP properly - the only thing that has changed is me not trimming as much. There was no period of time where he was overlooking it.

Honestly.

OP posts:
Flyinggeese · 11/04/2017 12:53

Hi OP I know this thread isn't overly serous but as you're asking 'WWYD' it isn't really too fair to criticise when people, give honest answers (posters are saying what they'd do, not what you should). E.g. I go for wax appointments. It hurts. That's OK with me. It might not be OK with you and of course that's fine too.

I hope you don't mind me saying and if this was face to face you'd know my tone is friendly. It boils down to you deciding what you think and dealing with it that way. It's so subjective.