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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to share a pubic hair / sex life conundrum with you?!

237 replies

meladeso · 10/04/2017 14:01

Opinions gratefully received on this weird one. Massive over-share / TMI warning!

DH is massively awesome, lucky to have v happy marriage, v evenly matched in temperament and so on, and he's great with kids / house / etc. zero complaints from me on any front.

He's also very direct and honest, which I've got used to over the years, but sometimes it means he says things you might not want to hear! he never means it unkindly, but still...

So, a while back whilst having a frank chat about sex (and honestly, lack thereof since second DC arrived last summer) and a good laugh about how we need to get back on the horse more often, so to speak, etc etc. he came out with the confession that he found my pubic hair off putting in terms of oral sex.

We've never been at it like rabbits, but clearly used to be more than we are now. I am not very hairy really, and i do have the odd trim around bikini line etc. but I have v sensitive skin.

to shave regularly (which i did in younger days) leaves me itchy, sore and with an unattractive rash.
to wax is a faff, a bit unpleasant, and besides, surely if you do it regularly, you have a couple of weeks every few weeks where you've got loads of regrowth anyway, right?!

i had a comedy feminist rant back at him about pubic hair is natural, there for a reason, and so on (see Cameron Diaz for more on this Wink) and told him the above about it leaving me uncomfortable.

he sort of understood, but he also was a bit shoulder shrug, and basically saying he didn't enjoy it au naturel, so.....

not an ultimatum as such, but left me understanding that he wasn't likely to go down there unless it was well pruned.

i just don't know how to feel about it.

Part of me feels hurt and offended and frankly a bit cross that he wants me to do something i don't want to do to suit him. Let me be clear though - he has certainly not put it like that, nor mentioned it since. I bet he hasn't given it a second thought.

However, i also certainly don't want to think he finds it off putting and either try to make him do something he doesn't want to do, or just go without for the rest of our lives.
the thought of getting busy in some way with something that I found a turn off myself is awful, so why would i expect him to be any different?

OP posts:
elisa2502 · 10/04/2017 15:02

Myself and OH both shave. Nothing worse that a face full of pubes x

WorraLiberty · 10/04/2017 15:03

Polly, what do you mean by the bits they 'ought to be licking'? Confused

There are no rules and I'm sure techniques/preference varies from person to person.

PollyPerky · 10/04/2017 15:03

In your opinion elisa. Some men actually like hair. Each to their own.

PollyPerky · 10/04/2017 15:04

Polly, what do you mean by the bits they 'ought to be licking'?
Most women like their clits licked. They aren't hairy.

kmc1111 · 10/04/2017 15:04

Shaving didn't begin in porn. In my culture removing pubic hair has been the norm for hundreds of years. I was getting it all waxed off back when the full, un-trimmed bush was the standard in porn, and was shaving back when your average porn mag looked like middle of the road lingerie catalogues do now.

I wouldn't perform oral sex on a woman who didn't at least trim, especially if they didn't always shower right beforehand. Discharge gets caught up in pubes, and they fall out daily just like head hairs. Getting one caught in your throat is grim. With men you can usually at least avoid having your mouth right up in the hairy area if you want, but it's hard to perform oral sex on a woman without getting real close. I dated a lot of women who were much more upfront about what kind of maintenance they expected than any men ever were, so it's not just a male/porn related preference.

Don't trim or shave your pubes if you don't want to, but equally your DH shouldn't feel any pressure to do anything sexual he dislikes, and it's not an unusual dislike.

Giddyaunt18 · 10/04/2017 15:04

I think he is out of order. It shouldn't be a problem at all. That's how women are.I really worry about this bald fashion that stems from porn. I find it offensive to women. If my Dh said that it would put me off him.

WorraLiberty · 10/04/2017 15:06

The beard might tickle your face a bit if you are kissing them but unless you are rubbing your tongue all over their face, the hair won't get in your mouth. No?

Who wants a tongue rubbed all over their face though, that's not how people kiss, is it?

However, rubbing a tongue all over the hairy bits during oral sex, is often completely normal.

DJBaggySmalls · 10/04/2017 15:06

If the bits you'd normally eat have hair on them you need more than a bit of a shave....

WorraLiberty · 10/04/2017 15:06

So the clit only, Polly and no straying elsewhere? Confused

Chattymummyhere · 10/04/2017 15:07

Some people just don't like giving oral surrounded by pubes.

It's not like he said no sex ever till it's gone he just said oral is a turn off when she has lots of pubes. He has to respect her decision to have pubes but she also has to accept and respect that it's upto him if he will do it or not.

You wouldn't/shouldn't ever force someone to do something sexual the other is not happy with it. Some people like anal some don't you don't force someone to do anal just because you like it the same as you don't force oral just because you like it/want it.

I find beards horrible and there is a correlation to how much I kiss dh so how scratchy his stubble is the longer his gone without a shave the less we kiss as I can not stand the feel of it. He doesn't have to shave just like I don't have to kiss him.

LittleGreyMeow · 10/04/2017 15:10

I also think this 'getting hair in your teeth' is a figment of people's imagination

Nope my DH could give a Wookiee a run for his money in the hairy department, he sheds more than the cat :) and it is not pleasant if a stray one or ten gets in my mouth.

JacquesHammer · 10/04/2017 15:11

*Jacques you know that the medics say it's more hygienic and safer to leave hair where it's meant to be?

I know what you mean re. periods but no one presumably is going to go down on you when you are bleeding. If you want to stay clean during periods and you have hair, you just shower more often or have a quick wash a few times a day 'down there'*

Firstly the issue with hair removal was higher risk of STDs due to broken skin when shaving. I am fully waxed and never have broken skin.

Secondly I lose enormous clots monthly. It wouldn't be possible to have a quick shower each time I use the loo (which in the first 3 days is hourly) so being totally hair free means that clean up is far more straightforward

Thirdly I started removing all my hair on the recommendation of my GP to see if it helped a skin condition

Giddyaunt18 · 10/04/2017 15:13

Feel sorry for the beauty therapists that have to wax everyone's private parts. What an awful prospect on a Monday morning. Hopefully you're all home waxing?

JacquesHammer · 10/04/2017 15:14

Feel sorry for the beauty therapists that have to wax everyone's private parts. What an awful prospect on a Monday morning. Hopefully you're all home waxing?

What a ridiculous statement 😂😭 why would a beauty therapist offer the service if they found doing it so repulsive

Owllady · 10/04/2017 15:17

Grow a moustache in protest :)

talksensetome · 10/04/2017 15:19

I would suggest a trim as a compromise?

Owllady · 10/04/2017 15:19

Jacques, please tell me you are under a gynaecologist? (I'm in the same boat )
Mine tells you not to shave, well at least before procedures/ops
My gynaecologist, not partner.

Giddyaunt18 · 10/04/2017 15:24

why would a beauty therapist offer the service if they found doing it so repulsive
Because the salon they work in offers it, the individual ay have no choice. I have a family member that hates doing this but has to or she'd lose her job.

JacquesHammer · 10/04/2017 15:24

Owllady - yes I am for the fibroids. It absolutely sucks though as my options for treatment are majorly limited because in our area they will only do the help if it's causing problems with fertility. But it was actually a dermatologist who suggested the hair removal. And it has worked!!

JacquesHammer · 10/04/2017 15:25

Because the salon they work in offers it

Ah shame for your family member but not the case as the salon I go to. Not all the therapists offer it. In fact there's only 2 out of the 8 that do.

Giddyaunt18 · 10/04/2017 15:26

They really don't get paid enough.

FerdinandsRevenge · 10/04/2017 15:26

I hope he's got a couple of shiny cueballs down there himself.

I'd probably not shave and then not give him oral.

He's entitled to feel that way and you're entitled to feel that you'd rather not give if you won't be receiving...

JacquesHammer · 10/04/2017 15:27

They really don't get paid enough

Not really your call but there's nothing disgusting about female genitalia

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 10/04/2017 15:28

'Being really blunt here, the bits they ought to be licking are not actually covered in hair.'

I'm imagining a klaxon going off if someone's tongue strays from the parts they ought to be licking. Some people like being kicked all over, even the bits that get hairy! Rimming too, lots of people have furry bum holes. 🍩

RebelRogue · 10/04/2017 15:28

You have a few options:

  1. Shave/wax whatever
  2. Find a mutually satisfying compromise
  3. Don't shave but don't expect oral sex/ have it knowing your partner is not enjoying it.

Hair does get in your mouth,sometimes stuck in teeth and worse stuck in your throat. It is not a myth. Also it's all well and good to say just separate the hair and lick just the unhairy bits, but some men use their hands for other things as well.
If I told OH I didn't enjoy doing something because of smth easily changed and he refused to do it but still expect me to do it, I'd simply tell him to go fuck himself.