to expect a 10 year old to have a bit of control even if they have D&V?

[Hoptastic53]

I know I'm probably going to get flamed because this is about my DSD, but here goes. She's been here since Wednesday and has inevitably caught the D&V bug me and her siblings had from last Saturday - Tuesday. She was first sick on Friday and has been sick on the carpets in three different rooms multiple times. She's soiled herself and a carpet and her bed twice. She's been sick in her bed several times and her mattress is probably going to have to be thrown away. She's gone to the bathroom sometimes but even then has got it on the towels, dressing gowns and walls.

When she's sick she's so loud it's like a scene from the exorcist. She's woken the entire house both Friday and last night by being so loud and then coming and switching the light on in our room (where 2 year old DD sleeps) to tell us she'd been sick. She woke half hour ago to tell me she's soiled herself, again. She isn't bothered or embarrassed and just shrugs like it's a matter of fact. Obviously I don't want her to be embarrassed and I don't show that I'm frustrated but AIBU to think that even with a bug, she should have a bit of control?

My other DC managed to stop getting sick anywhere but the toilet or a bowl by about four years old and while missing once or twice during a bout of D&V is perhaps understandable, I feel DSD is making no effort at all.

I'm prepared to be told IBU but after a week of cleaning sick and poo and not sleeping (the sight of sick makes DP sick) and being heavily pregnant, I'm about fed up.

My DD doesn't always recognise the signs of pre sickness or upset tummy and she is 12. It has taken a lot of training and talking to her about the possible signs.

One thing she tends to do is freeze. She doesn't want to move in case it makes it 'worse' but then it happens anyway, so over the years she has needed extra intervention from me and usually I would stay up with her/sleep near her to help, put sheeting all over the floor, towels all in the bed, absolutely bland bland foods and even whatever medication is appropriate (dioralyte) and yes 'baby' her because she just seems to need it more.

Kids go through spells where they are sick and then feel soooo much better, then it is easy to think that the bug has gone, when it has not. Then inappropriate food will make it worse etc etc.

I think the lessons to be learnt here are some kids need more direction than others, in future give her a lot more support and actually, no the mattress protector is non removable. Food is all bland. Restrict movement to 2 rooms for a while until loose stools have stopped and no sick for some hours. 10yo still needs a lot of guidance, she didn't really get it from you guys did she? Not a flame, just this could have been better managed.

It's on all of you, not on her

Wow I think I am luck with my developmentally delayed son who is 5, when he's sick, he rushes to the toilet, his aim is mostly good, and makes an effort to clean up with the wipes in the toilet, or remove his soiled clothes. Of course I am on hand to clean him up, and give him massive hugs. With my daughter who has Autsim and is 10, she will basically do what your step daughter does.

You know what....regardless of her inability to puke & shit exactly where you need her to, I an absolutely mindboggled that THREE fucking adults thought it was OK to send kids into a house that has D&V.

Neither her mother or her father thought it would be a good idea to give this visit a swerve, rather than inflicting a nasty bug on a child??

You should all be ashamed!

yanbu OP, some of the replies to you on here are appalling! as far as I can make it, her own mother and father don't want to look after her, instead it has been left to you, heavily pregnant, recovering from the illness yourself and with your own children to look after. you've reached the end of your tether which is completely understandable! accidents happen, we understand that, but such an amount of 'accidents' from your SD is a bit 🤔 well done for being the ONLY adult in this situation that has bothered to look after her or clean her up! I agree completely that DS should be able to make it to a bucket/toilet! in times that I've been ill, once you know that it's coming from either end, you know to move and not just actively shit/vomit in the one place!

Different Why should the OP be ashamed of anything? It's not her decision to make. She can tell her DH that she doesn't think it's a good idea for DSD to visit but if her DH and his Ex have made the decision about their child, the OP can't overrule that either, so she can't win.

If anyone should be feeling shame it is DSDs parents - I would never send my DD to her dad's house if we were in this situation, but if we were and she had to go for some emergency reason, I would be expecting her dad to pull his weight and not leave it to his pregnant, recovering from illness partner to clear up after our daughter, and I would expect my DD to at least make an effort to throw up into a receptacle (that in my house she would be made to carry everywhere with her, not that she'd be going anywhere except the bathroom and her bed/sofa) and not on the floor.

Lol like a scene from the exorcist x

Or a cholera ward.

I was harsh to you in my previous op, which was unfair, as it is clear that you seem to be doing all the work in looking after this poor girl. Kudos to you for that. I think this may be more than your average 10yr old though, there is something else going on here that needs to be looked at. Feeling unwanted, pushed out. It is clear from your posts that her parents don't seem to care all that much for her. I would take time off work in a heartbeat instead of sending my child to a house where there is D&V.

I also find it incredulous that She's been here for at least 6-7 D&V bugs that I can think of (so he knows the mess she makes) yet her father has done NOTHING to help prevent it. Surely he would know by now to keep a close eye on her as she loses control of her bowel when ill. Why hasn't he taken preventative measures before now?

And can we all stop with the "my child is 3/4/5/6 and knows how to use a bucket" crap please? This poor child has 2 (and I mean parent, NOT step-parent) inadequate parents who don't seem to want to parent her when she is well, let alone when ill. She has been shipped off into a house that has D&V with no concern for her health at all. What else have her parents failed to do for/teach her if she can't hit a sick bucket?

This is not the child's fault!! I have been the child that felt abandoned when sick (my mother left me at home during several childhood illnesses, one being chickenpox and another D&V) to work. It makes your feel like no one gives a crap about you and it just adds to the overall feeling of not being well (ironically, it was my stepfather that did all the care for me too)

@melj1213 I realised that after reading the rest of op's posts. I have addressed in my later post.

With my daughter who has Autsim and is 10, she will basically do what your step daughter does. My daughter is possibly autistic (assessment coming up), and she has severe sensory issues. She is 8, and I think she would do this too. She would panic and shut down as a coping mechanism to the feelings she is experiencing. That in itself would make it hard to get through to her that she needs to head for the bathroom/use a bucket. And telling her when not ill wouldn't help as she wouldn't make the correlation when she needed to.

Haven't read the full thread but as a full-grown adult I have, memorably, simultaneously had TERRIBLE THINGS come out of both ends of me while having a CAT scan (and proceeded to do so again in my hospital bed. Nurses just cheerfully cleaned me/the scan room/the bed up). Generally I can make it to the loo if I feel impending illness, but on this particular occasion there was no warning and no holding it in. It's not always the case you can make it if you just try hard enough.

Poor kid. And poor OP. I'm incredulous that

• she's allowed to help herself to food
• she's allowed on the trampoline instead of under a blanket in front of the tv/reading a book (with bucket beside her)
• allowed to remove mattress cover

But I don't blame any of this on OP.

The child's DF is neglecting her, and her DM is giving the impression that she doesn't care about her own DD.

Yes, SD should be able to get to toilet more often than she has, but the 2 people who are supposed to care about her more than the world seem to have neglected to care for her properly when she's ill so maybe she's only behaving the way her parents have allowed her to behave.

Curry and milkshake?!

Poor girl.

different very useful bit of advice there, really yes . Op is suffering enough, let alone twist the knife in further. Ultimately, this is between the father and her mother, not op who ultimately has to deal with it.

Yes I agree with that different, I think my daughter panicks and forgets what to do, its a difficult skill when you have all other issues going on.

Op I don't think you'll ever win because;

If you let her eat what she wants (and what your Dp gives her) you're evil.
If you only let her have bland food - evil.
Let her play on the trampoline - evil
Keep her in one room in front of a tv (like most Ill people) - evil.
Let her come when you've been ill - evil
Don't let her come - evil.

I personally would be banning any trampolining of similar, giving only bland foods and to be perfectly honest if dp didn't like if id be packing his bags.

Pullups, it will make everything so much easier.

Dear OP, you are so NBU.

Way too much is being asked of you. Agree that the DSD's dad and mum are being totally useless but that's hardly OP's fault.

Cleaning-up duties are henceforth for your DH. And your house, your rules: sick people do not eat curries and milkshakes then play on trampoline, NOBODY gets to wake up the whole household before the alarms go off in the morning.

I hope you manage to put your foot down, OP. Best of luck!

After what you've said about her eating habits and PPs saying about her not cleaning it up I'm inclined to say that she's a little bit spoiled by her mum. Maybe when she's ill at her mums she spews everywhere because her mum doesn't care about cleaning it up and is really nice about it. Also the stomping around turning lights on and not giving two hoots if what she's eating is going to result in more vomit would piss me off.

I say this as a child who had a horrible stepmother and you don't sound like one.

I agree. Anyone could soil themselves or be sick 'everywhere' once or twice, if it comes on violently, but to do it again and again and again, and miss the toilet, sink, bucket, bowl by your bed, repeatedly, is just not on.

What I dont get is that 10 isnt that young. Some girls have periods at that age. 10-12 ages having to deal with soiled sanitary towels and changing it and cleaning themselves at school etc.

Ill or not she shits herself and walks to her step mum to clean her up just like a 3-4 year old! Even though ill she is old enough to clean her own bum and take her soiled clothing off.

God knows how she got like this.

Blimey op glad you werent my step mum who kindly helped me clea up when i was 17 following a simultaneous bout of dirreoah and vomiting- literally went form feeling not bery well to being covered on bodily fluids.

Sometimes its just not that easy to control

listsandbudgets

But did you repeatedly shit yourself and vomit all over the bed, the floor, yourself, etc? Did you give excuses for repeatedly missing the sick bowl because you "can't vomit with your eyes open"?

What the feck is wrong with her father ? Why isn't he parenting her ?

You know like cleaning up her sick, making sure she eats appropriate foods and supervising her during the day ?

I'm seriously wondering if it's a plea for attention because

a. Her mum doesn't do it and complains about the mess meaning she doesn't want her mum.
b. Instead of her father doing it her heavily pg step mum does it.

I wonder if she's after attention from either of her parents, but especially her father ?

I do hope your DP/DH steps up a bit more with other things.

Is your partner utterly stupid? I cannot believe how any parent with half a brain cell would think it appropriate to give curry and milkshake to a child with D&V. He should certainly have been made to clear it up as a way of teaching him the consequences of failing to engage his brain.