to expect a 10 year old to have a bit of control even if they have D&V?

[Hoptastic53]

I know I'm probably going to get flamed because this is about my DSD, but here goes. She's been here since Wednesday and has inevitably caught the D&V bug me and her siblings had from last Saturday - Tuesday. She was first sick on Friday and has been sick on the carpets in three different rooms multiple times. She's soiled herself and a carpet and her bed twice. She's been sick in her bed several times and her mattress is probably going to have to be thrown away. She's gone to the bathroom sometimes but even then has got it on the towels, dressing gowns and walls.

When she's sick she's so loud it's like a scene from the exorcist. She's woken the entire house both Friday and last night by being so loud and then coming and switching the light on in our room (where 2 year old DD sleeps) to tell us she'd been sick. She woke half hour ago to tell me she's soiled herself, again. She isn't bothered or embarrassed and just shrugs like it's a matter of fact. Obviously I don't want her to be embarrassed and I don't show that I'm frustrated but AIBU to think that even with a bug, she should have a bit of control?

My other DC managed to stop getting sick anywhere but the toilet or a bowl by about four years old and while missing once or twice during a bout of D&V is perhaps understandable, I feel DSD is making no effort at all.

I'm prepared to be told IBU but after a week of cleaning sick and poo and not sleeping (the sight of sick makes DP sick) and being heavily pregnant, I'm about fed up.

Regardless of whose child this is, it seems very evident that if she's seeking attention it's for a reason.

IME parents who attempt to blend families and have more children into the bargain under estimate the impact on children who only visit as opposed to live there on a permanent basis. You say that the DSD gets up and plays first thing and wakes the other kids and that she constantly has to be told how they need their sleep etc She's being sick and that too is waking the other kids. She comes into your room in the middle of the night and wakes the two year old...

All the emphasis here seems to be on how important your other children are. Are they all yours and your DP's together or are some of them yours as well? Because from her perspective it could well be that she sees that her dad has moved in with a new family, has had a couple of other kids of his own and now his new partner's children and new children have taken her place. What about her mum? Does she have more children and new partner etc as well?

Clearing up after D&V is no fun for anyone. However, sending a sick child to a house full of d&V is irresponsible on the part of her mum. And yes, I get that she has to work and that the child has another parent and that in normal circs the child would be at home and exposed etc etc but fact here is that there was a choice and the other parent should have taken it. It's also irresponsible on the part of her dad to knowingly bring a child into the house full of d&V knowing there was every chance she would catch it. If either of the parents cared anything about this child they would have acted in her best interests. And no, fear of the mother dropping contact is not an excuse to expose your child to a d&V bug....

Added to that, allowing a ten year old to eat curry and whatever else she wants while she's throwing up everywhere is equally irresponsible on the part of whoever is allowing it. It seems very evident that this child has no boundaries on account of the fact that no-one actually cares about her. She's ten. If she's throwing up then she doesn't get curry. That's how it is and it's non negotiable.

As for the father not liking vomit and therefore abdicating responsibility to his partner to clean it up, what happens if you are ever seriously ill? It's clear he's not the type to be relied on in a crisis, and you're having more children with him? Good luck with that.

It appears that this child has two ineffectual parents and a step parent who has been brought into this disfunctional setup and is left picking up the crap (no pun intended.) As this is the life you've chosen you need to have serious words with your DP because ten years on if he still doesn't know how to be a parent then he is probably beyond help. But meanwhile his daughter is struggling.

You also need to have a think though about why you have so many d&V bugs in your house because that's really not normal, and perhaps there are underlying allergies/intolerances for instance?

u really need to talk to your dp

her mum cant stop contact just because you were ill-thats not going to happen
giving her curry whilst shes ill is ridiculous-if u dont have a say in what she eats then dont clean up after her see what he think then

Op this is a bad situation all round.

If you believe that she cannot be bothered to try and get sick/poo in the toilet/bowl then you are dealing with a potentially depressed tween about to hit/hitting puberty. Neither of her parents seem to care much about her. If she were mine and she was being sick, I'd fetch her right away and care for her until she was better. Her mum won't, her dad won't. WTF?

I'd be wondering whether you'd be better off ditching your DP. He doesn't appear to be doing any parenting.

The step child was a surprise, though was it unihorn? Presumably you chose this life for yourself, and are now unable to negotiate boundaries or have sensible conversations with your DP about the way you want your household to function?

The OP is presumably an adult, and is bitching about an unwell ten year old when all evidence points towards the adults in this ten year olds life being completely incapable, and unpleasant to boot.

*wasn't a surprise

That should say.

The child's stomach lining will be quite damaged after all the stress it has been under. It needs to repair, that is partly why bland food s are being recommended.

Also it needs time to slow down and get out of the retch reflex cycle. Explain this to the little girl and your dp.
I really would be rewarding successful efforts to deal with this, because it is clearly an issue with her. It doesn't just happen in your house.
I also have a dd who used to absolutely panic when she was sick. And want to run. You have to teach the calmness that helps to control it. I'm not saying it's easy, even the sound of retching sets me off, never mind the smell.
Your dp sticking his head under the pillow and singing la-la-la-can't-help-it is being completely unfair.

Lots of responses from hoptastic , none of which address the dhs complete failure to parent.

Sorry at what point did I say I am unable to deal with my DSD..? We have an excellent relationship thank you and I often spend more time with her than her own parents (who get on brilliantly in case you're worried about that too) as I'm on maternity leave. I appreciate your concern though

My point is that treating them like your own is frowned upon by some and treating them differently is frowned upon by others. Stepparenting at all is mostly frowned upon by MN.

Being a parent is hard enough but being a stepmother brings up other issues too, not least the judgment brought upon you by complete strangers.

Hops it all sounds like a right bloody nightmare. I'd be out of there. I couldn't cope with your DP or his ex. I feel sorry for THEIR DD, but THEY need to step up. I'd have told him in NO uncertain terms HE was cleaning up after giving her curry & milkshake when she's ill. Fuckwit.

You are being far too much of a mug my love. Get rid or get him told - on lots of things, not just the cleaning up 💐

She caught the bug in your house due to your homes lack of hygiene - think that says more about you and your DP than it does about her.

Her father should be getting up and looking after her.

If she is shitting and vomiting as much as your drama filled post suggests, she is probably feeling crap.

You obviously do not like her behaviour generally- circa your posts and I get the feeling she has not been quite as bad as you say. Noro is foul - my last bout i woke up at 0200 and def did not make it anywhere near the toilet, opened my eyes sat up then all hell and damnation poured from both orifices without warning. Had not even turned the light on.

Your DP/ her DF needs to man up

I am judging the whole household, not the SM. Between them they have failed to set boundaries, failed to provide sensible advice to the little girl, and failed to help her be the best she can be- instead it's let her do what she likes, eat what she likes, trampoline (!), let her vomit everywhere, don't make her use a mattress protector so she is lying on a smelly mattress...

I've started to wonder if this is a wind up once the trampoline appeared, but perhaps people are that daft.

Bucket.

DP that mans up.

Sorted.

I feel for you op but your dsd is being failed by both her father and her mother. And potentially you'll be failed by him too when the new baby comes.

It seems the only person who is helping her is you time to focus your anger and frustration on the right one who needs a kick up the arse frankly

My goodness, compassion goes both ways, op is human herself. She's heavily pregnant, recovering from a bug, and her lazy arse husband is not helping with his daughter at all, she has to clean all that lot up on her hands and knees. I think I would be like the op.

The odd accident happens but multiple times in different rooms and soiling herself ontop of that does sound excessive.

Also when we have a particularly nasty bug, we tend to try to switch around DSC visits. Luckily this has worked everytime so far. The thought of purposely letting them come to a very infections place is a bit dodgy to me. We wait until we are all clear 48 hours before they come over and make up their time that week/next week.

I know this wouldn't work for everyone though.

*infectious

Hops. Re stopping contact. Do you really think she would given she needs you to have her so she can work AND DSD wants to come? I certainly wouldn't be parenting in ways that didn't suit me in fear of it happening. For example, I would not allow a child with D&V to have curry & milkshake. Mine, step, the neighbours...if they're under my roof, they're under my rules. End of.

I would have consequences/punishments for waking the others (generally, not by being sick!) and other behaviours. She would be treat like one of my own when under my roof - for cuddles, treats AND rules/consequences.

If either parent doesn't like that, tough, he can leave, she can kick off at him or whatever. But I would not be allowing DSD to do as she bloody well wants in case her mum stops contact. No way.

It's HARD for step children, especially when their parent lives with their other children, but it doesn't do them any favours to allow them to do as they please, nor parent them in fear.

Doesn't matter if she's your stepdaughter, daughter, niece or child of a random stranger, you are being massively unreasonable to expect 'a bit of control' when it comes to D&V. Sometimes it just comes and there's nothing you can do. Just because one person may be able to make it to the loo in time doesn't mean someone else will: everyone has a different body which will react differently.

Having said that, you would not be unreasonable to be pissed off that you seem to be the only adult looking after this girl. Please don't blame the child in this, blame the adults who are leaving you to literally clean up all the mess.

And to boot, her step daughter is not making any effort to help herself, unless she has SN, she should be running to the toilet or using the sick bowl. And you need to be firm with her about helping herself to food, and confiscate it from her.

Your husband is completely incompetent. Why in the hell did you clean up the inevitable post-curry vomit? Why? Why?

And why are you looking after your step daughter if your husband is around? Surely she'd rather have her dad than her stepmother?

I think you'd do well to pull her under the parenting umbrella and impose the same restrictions on her that you would your own children.

Also, she shouldn't be helping herself to food- she shouldn't be touching anything in the kitchen!

It probably isn't noro- you are so weak after that you couldn't drag yourself to a trampoline.

How on earth can anyone assume that the kid caught the bug from the cleanliness level of the step parents home? Some posters on Mumsnet are so doggedly determined to make out everything is always the step parents fault. Some posters are completely blinkered and too quick to project their own fucked up situations . I think that some people can't handle the fact that some step parents make better parents than the bio parents. As in this case because the op is the only one who is willing to look after this kid while she is vomiting and shitting everywhere. Her own mother doesn't even want to look after her.

Exactly, the girl is running and jumping about, helping herself to food, she does not sound that sick, that she is too weak to run to the toilet. Her inappropriate food is only extending this. You have to treat her, how you would your other children, get your partner to pull his finger out.

If your dp won't let you give her sensible food then fine but you need to tell him that he is also responsible for the clean up when it is him making her ill. Could you show him the nhs website for advice on what to do to help recover from d&v? Because clearly if he thinks curry and milkshake is a good idea to 'get salt levels up' he's a bit thick.
The mum sounds so keen to get to get rid of her there's no way she's going to stop contact. If she really wanted to she already has good reason with your dp feeding her inappropriate food and leaving her to fend for herself when she's ill.
I also recommend the Hippychick mattress protectors mentioned earlier. My kids had them and you can't feel them at all. The cheap ones feel like you're sleeping on crisp packets and I'm not surprised dsd couldn't sleep on one.
From what you've said it sounds like the child genuinely is suffering from bouts of projectile vomiting. She's probably just tarting to feel better and able to play then her dad feeds her a bloody curry!
But like other posters have said if she is shitting/puking everywhere on purpose she is obviously deeply unhappy/disturbed and either way deserves a lot of sympathy. I realise you are doing more than either of her parents but your attitude to her is awful. The fact that you are being the most caring of all the adults in her life, whilst not being particularly caring, is very sad.