to expect a 10 year old to have a bit of control even if they have D&V?

[Hoptastic53]

I know I'm probably going to get flamed because this is about my DSD, but here goes. She's been here since Wednesday and has inevitably caught the D&V bug me and her siblings had from last Saturday - Tuesday. She was first sick on Friday and has been sick on the carpets in three different rooms multiple times. She's soiled herself and a carpet and her bed twice. She's been sick in her bed several times and her mattress is probably going to have to be thrown away. She's gone to the bathroom sometimes but even then has got it on the towels, dressing gowns and walls.

When she's sick she's so loud it's like a scene from the exorcist. She's woken the entire house both Friday and last night by being so loud and then coming and switching the light on in our room (where 2 year old DD sleeps) to tell us she'd been sick. She woke half hour ago to tell me she's soiled herself, again. She isn't bothered or embarrassed and just shrugs like it's a matter of fact. Obviously I don't want her to be embarrassed and I don't show that I'm frustrated but AIBU to think that even with a bug, she should have a bit of control?

My other DC managed to stop getting sick anywhere but the toilet or a bowl by about four years old and while missing once or twice during a bout of D&V is perhaps understandable, I feel DSD is making no effort at all.

I'm prepared to be told IBU but after a week of cleaning sick and poo and not sleeping (the sight of sick makes DP sick) and being heavily pregnant, I'm about fed up.

[differentnameforthis]

different very useful bit of advice there, really yes hmm. Op is suffering enough, let alone twist the knife in further. Ultimately, this is between the father and her mother, not op who ultimately has to deal with it. not quite sure which post you are referring to, but if it was the first, where I was harsh to op, I went on to correct that after realising it was misplaced.

[mathanxiety]

If she is sick at your house when you have a newborn, what is the plan?

[mathanxiety]

After reading the post wrt curry, I think you have a real problem on your hands here, namely your 'D'P.

What attracted you to this man?

[Rawr]

Get her some nappies to put on, if she's acting up then the embarrassment might make her get it together.

[FreeNiki]

It is a bit weird. I am squeamish with sick.

I am not bothered at all by blood and have dealt with poo accidents etc.

It's just the sick I cant handle.

[WankingMonkey]

I don't like vomit - or shit - or snot. It never occurred to me to try and delegate all those parts of parenthood to his DF alone! But then I'm a mother, so I highly doubt I would have got away with it...

I delegate all vomiting incidents to DH

I am severely emetophobic. However obviously if he isn't there I have to deal with it as they are my children too.

In return I deal with all diarrhea and any incident involving blood.

Works quite well tbh

I cannot imagine DH trying to delegate DSCs illnesses to me though. Obviously I would help when I could or deal with it if he wasn't there though. I do still deal with blood stuff from DSC though as blood does not bother me in the slightest...no different to wiping say...paint off them. Its a bit weird really.

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

Hops you're a ⭐️ He'd be under the fucking patio, not at work, if he lived here.

I'm glad DSD is seemingly on the mend.

Things need to change - and fast. You can't carry on like this 💐

[Megatherium]

OP, please satisfy my curiosity about your DP and the curry. Did you ask him how any parent could be that dim, and why didn't you make him clear up the resulting vomit?

[FreeNiki]

Well done OP.

Leave it to you to be more sensible than her folks. A quiet walk, a film, snuggling up with a project and appropriate food for an ill child. She's lucky to have you.

I can't believe not even a phone call from her mum on her lunch break her anything. Speaks volumes.

[Hoptastic53]

Thanks for those who have been supportive

For those who haven't, you'll be pleased to know I've been busy being a cow to DSD again today. Along with the other three DC we went to walk our dogs today and the fresh air made her feel much better. Then we went home and did her homework project before snuggling down to watch Moana. All while her actual parents went to work and didn't bother to enquire how she was. Fingers crossed there's been no sickness or diarrhoea and she's managed to keep some toast, biscuits and a banana down so hopefully she's on the mend.

[RedBugMug]

yanbu
she should be capable of holding a bowl or towel and using that to puke in. the d bit- a bit more tricy.

[harderandharder2breathe]

Your DH is a fucking incompetent twat and a shit parent

He needs to be cleaning up after his child. And to step up and fucking parent her and say bland foods and playing quietly indoors not fucking curry and trampolining!

[nocoolnamesleft]

Don't suppose she's normally constipated? That can totally screw up kids' interpretation of gut signals, and definitely makes soiling themselves a lot more likely. Until it's been properly treated.

Just a thought.

[melj1213]

I'm almost 36, sometimes even I can't make it to the loo. That's why they invented puke buckets.

And yet, as the OP has already stated, her DSD has been given multiple sick buckets but "can't be sick with her eyes open" and so just shuts her eyes and throws up wherever she is regardless.

Nobody is infallible and everyone gets caught short occasionally, but at what point does missing the sick bowl/towels every time she is sick; removing mattress protectors so her mattress gets ruined because "it rustles"; making no attempt to clean herself up and instead coming to someone else to do it; soiling floors and furnishings in various rooms and disturbing other family members (who are recovering from the same D&V bug themselves) even when she hasn't been sick stop being written off as "one off accidents" and instead become a pattern of behaviour?

This child may be young but she is not a baby. My DD is 8 and she manages to throw up in a receptacle and not all over the bed/floor because even if she shuts her eyes she aims first. She also is capable of getting herself to the bathroom if she has an accident and stripping out of any soiled clothing and into the shower without getting faeces on towels, dressing gowns, bathroom floor etc. Do I expect her to deal with it all herself while I sit doing nothing? Of course not, but I also expect her not to make my job of cleaning up any harder when she can help it.

Throughout all of this, who is the one looking after DSD?

Her mother? No, she knowingly sent her into a household recovering from D&V because she had to work

Her father? No, he missed having the D&V bug as he was away when the OP dealt with being sick (and the other children being ill) and has washed his hands of any kind of parental responsibility because it makes him feel sick if he has to clear up his own daughter's bodily fluids or be involved in the process, but he does feel able enough to decide she can eat crap and do what she likes and must not be treated like she's actually ill.

DSD herself? No, she does whatever she wants, wherever she wants and makes no attempt to help deal with the mess she creates.

No, it's none of those people, instead the only person looking after this child is the OP who just happens to be a step-parent who seems to be deemed responsible enough for her DSD to clear up after her - despite being heavily pregnant, dealing with her own children who are also recovering from the same D&V bug, recovering from the bug herself - and yet is not responsible enough for her DSD to be allowed a say in whether or not she comes into a sick house or what the appropriate food/drink/activities are.

[GrainOfSalt]

This is far too much info, and please don't read on if you are easily (or even not so easily) grossed out but... I can make a right mess when I am ill and I'm in my 40's, the difference I I now have to clean it up. I still make a mess though.

Last time I was ill I put myself to bed draped with towels and with a sick bowl. Still managed to miss and then as I headed for the loo with diarrhea managed to spray the walls.

Last summer I got food poisoning when camping. It was horrific. small tent, rivers of vomit, although I got out of the tent just before I lost control of my bowels. Thank god it was dark

I genuinely can lack control over my body in that state and although I do everything I can to minimise it (and generally manage to as well) my body can defeat me. By the age of 15 though I was an expert at scrubbing carpets.

Where your problem lies is with the fact this should be a joint responsibility between you and your husband. It should not all be down to you irrelevant of whether it is your DD or DSD

(I do like the suggestion of 50p every time you hit the bucket though, I may start rewarding myself)

[coconutpie]

I can't believe her mother knowingly sent her to a household with a D&V bug rampant there. She clearly wanted her to get ill. What kind of a shitty parent does that? As for your husband ... so he conveniently isn't able to deal with cleaning up? I would tell him that you no longer are able to handle vomit and shit and he can do it. He needs to man the fuck up. And as for feeding her curry and a milkshake when she's vomitting - wtf? That poor DD has not one, but two parents who are neglecting her and you seem to be expected to pick up the pieces.

[OneOfTheGrundys]

I agree with pp that something's not right there. For a 10 yo to be wilfully soiling repeatedly, for whatever reason be it attention or inability to control her physical functions must be absolutely horrible for her. It seems as though no adult wants to or is able to take full responsibility for her. Who does the buck stop with for her? Her mum or dad? I can't seem to get a clear picture of that. Meanwhile op is left clearing up the mess, literally.

Fwiw, I had noro at Xmas and I absolutely lost control of bodily function, both ends. I've had amoebic dysentery before and had way more control over my bowels with that than with noro. DH cleared up after me then... retching but doing it anyway as it HAD to be done. Just as I, feeling awful, cleared up after the DC with him when they'd been ill. It must be done... this DP has to pull himself together over it.

[Megatherium]

If she could even look a curry in the face, let alone eat it, she's not that unwell.

[Rinkydinkypink]

She's 10! 10! She's obviously really unwell. I know your probably exhausted and fed up with poo and sick but please remember she's just a child!

[MommaL]

When kids get sickness bugs, I don't care if they get vomit all over, it can be dangerous to "hold it in" to get to the loo, aspirating vomit is potentially lethal.

I'm almost 36, sometimes even I can't make it to the loo. That's why they invented puke buckets.

[SaorAlbaGuBrath]

Diddums to you. You sound like a complete cow

That was completely unnecessary. OP isn't allowed to stop the child eating ridiculous foods, or try and get her to relax and recover but is expected to do all the grunt work and clean up when neither of the bairn's parents are prepared to? Fuck that.

[Oakmaiden]

I had a D&V bug once at boarding school (around 15 years old). The urge to retch would come upon me with no warning at all - certainly no time to run up the corridor to the toilet. Unfortunately when I retched I completely lost control of the other end.

I still remember the corridor mistress stood outside my room making loud comments about how disgusting I was. I felt so ashamed.

I am sure if I had been at home my mother would have never made me feel so dreadful about something I genuinely couldn't control.

[TheFlyingFauxPas]

To those who expect the Dp to clean the carpet etc. If that's going to be a manclean if it were me I would rather to do it myself tbh, heavily-pregnant or not.

[Girlwhowearsglasses]

Wow.

Some of you are really laying into the OP here. I think you're deliberately misinterpreting her intentions.

Jeeez. It's perfectly possible to be heavily pregnant and tired and fed up and annoyed at a child at the same time as caring for them and feeling empathy for them.

God know we all do this all the time with out 'own' children - and there has to be some room for similar with a stepchild.

She sound like she's finding it difficult all round with that going on OP. It's not your problem to deal with but as with so many relationships, deal with it you will have to.

Your DP is being an arse though. And her mum. But the only thing you can do is get your DP to step up to the plate.

[FreeNiki]

If the op is a cow when she is the only one who's looked after her while ill and pregnant then the childs actual parents are total cunts then.