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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect a 10 year old to have a bit of control even if they have D&V?

353 replies

Hoptastic53 · 09/04/2017 22:55

I know I'm probably going to get flamed because this is about my DSD, but here goes. She's been here since Wednesday and has inevitably caught the D&V bug me and her siblings had from last Saturday - Tuesday. She was first sick on Friday and has been sick on the carpets in three different rooms multiple times. She's soiled herself and a carpet and her bed twice. She's been sick in her bed several times and her mattress is probably going to have to be thrown away. She's gone to the bathroom sometimes but even then has got it on the towels, dressing gowns and walls.

When she's sick she's so loud it's like a scene from the exorcist. She's woken the entire house both Friday and last night by being so loud and then coming and switching the light on in our room (where 2 year old DD sleeps) to tell us she'd been sick. She woke half hour ago to tell me she's soiled herself, again. She isn't bothered or embarrassed and just shrugs like it's a matter of fact. Obviously I don't want her to be embarrassed and I don't show that I'm frustrated but AIBU to think that even with a bug, she should have a bit of control?

My other DC managed to stop getting sick anywhere but the toilet or a bowl by about four years old and while missing once or twice during a bout of D&V is perhaps understandable, I feel DSD is making no effort at all.

I'm prepared to be told IBU but after a week of cleaning sick and poo and not sleeping (the sight of sick makes DP sick) and being heavily pregnant, I'm about fed up.

OP posts:
IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 10/04/2017 09:08

I do find this very hard to understand. In my lifetime I've never known anyone to have missed the Sick Bucket or loo bowl. (3 brothers and sister, friends and 2dds)

I do think at 10 she should be able to get to the loo or use the bucket ok.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 10/04/2017 09:08

I did thanks neonrainbow. I'd have still have refused to take her. Well the dp / dad should have anyway. At least the sensible ones.

amusedbush · 10/04/2017 09:09

I don't understand why OP is getting such a roasting. The DSD is ill, yes, but has repeatedly made a huge mess all over the house. She has a sick bowl but has vomited on the carpet instead. It sounds like she is making no effort at all to minimise the mess and OP even said that DSD's mum complains about her vomiting everywhere when she's there.

I had norovirus a few years ago and shit myself while vomiting (into the toilet - not all over the carpet!). I was unbelievably ill then, I felt ghastly but I still managed to vomit in a basin or, in the later stages, the toilet.

10 isn't THAT young, and there's not much excuse for repeatedly shitting yourself and missing the sick bowl.

phoenixtherabbit · 10/04/2017 09:11

Op if this was your dd and not your dsd the responses would be different.

You don't sound awful at all, and all the posters saying 'you're not cut out to be a step mum' probably have no experience of what it entails what so ever.

A ten year old should be able yo be sick in a bucket, and get to a loo. I understand one or two accidents but it sounds like she's just not moving at all, which to be honest at that age is irresponsible.

Like I say if she was your daughter I don't think the responses would have been so harsh.

KingsCross88 · 10/04/2017 09:12

I hope your DH is at least embarrassed that he is useless around his own sick children. I don't like vomit - or shit - or snot. It never occurred to me to try and delegate all those parts of parenthood to his DF alone! But then I'm a mother, so I highly doubt I would have got away with it...

neonrainbow · 10/04/2017 09:15

If they refused to take the child because they'd been ill they'd probably be accused of trying to dodge contact and that they don't get to opt out out parenting because they're ill.

Common theme on mumsnet unfortunately. Stepmums are the devil even when they're the only one attempting to look after a child thats shitting and vomiting all over the house while heavily pregnant and recovering from the same bug themselves. As before if she is well enough to roam the house and play then she's well enough to at least try to aim in a bucket. A 10 year old is not a baby.

phoenixtherabbit · 10/04/2017 09:19

OP is being awful. Unsympathetic, unrealistic and, frankly, vindictive. It doesn't matter that (according to OP) the parents are more awful, OP is still being horrendous.

Ah yes, awful op. So sp awful that she is the ONLY ONE looking after this child, even though the child has two other parents who can't be arsed with her.

Sorry but if I was heavily pregnant and my child or stepchild was sick. I'd be getting my dp to deal with it. Last thing you need when heavily pregnant is fucking norovurus, especially when you've already had it once!

Why is OP getting grief even though no fucker else cares about the child?

Chloe84 · 10/04/2017 09:21

underthemoonlight

You sound like a bitch

Is that really necessary? Saying 'you sound like a bitch' is still calling the OP a bitch.

I would be beyond furious if you posted about my child like this on the internet.

Yeah because it's really identifying Hmm

You should direct your fury at the child's parents, who are both offloading their responsibility onto OP.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 10/04/2017 09:22

Not necessarily. I'd have been grateful that my Ex was being sensible and not wanting to risk my DD getting ill personally. In fact he's often rang when he's been poorly and I've been fine with it.

Original poster
Hoptastic53 · 10/04/2017 09:22

I did tell her mum how ill the other children and I had been (DP had been working away which is probably why he hasn't caught it) but she was insistent DSD come anyway because she didn't want to take time off work. If we'd refused to collect her, she'd be told we didn't want her and potentially contact could be stopped.

I think the reason she was still ill up to last night (fingers crossed she seems a bit better this morning) is because she doesn't change what she eats or drinks so it just keeps coming back up/out whereas the rest of us only ate bland food and water and that reduced symptoms a bit.

I can't believe I have been called psychopathic for thinking she should at least try to get it in a bucket or the toilet Confused

OP posts:
AwaywiththePixies27 · 10/04/2017 09:25

I dont think the OP is nasty. I think she's incredibly tired. Not only has she dealt with illness all week she's now looking after her DSD with the same illness.

Her DP sounds like a lazy arse though. If he was still single and having contact with the children. How would he deal with it then? He'd have no choice but to deal with the sick and clean up and look after his daughter. Like most parents do.

Chloe84 · 10/04/2017 09:26

It sounds like this is going to happen again, OP.

Tell DH he will be dealing with the next bout. He can top up on anti-sickness pills. It's really not fair to expect you to clean up her shit and puke.

P.s. Ignore the bitchy comments, I think you have the patience of a saint.

HumphreyCobblers · 10/04/2017 09:27

I can OP. Step mothers on here get a really hard time. People say this is not true, but I have been watching it happen for years now.

I have no axe to grind either way, I am not a step mum and do not have step children so I don't normally comment on these threads but it does seem as if step threads are the worst for projecting their own issues.

Some of the insults that have been thrown at you are horrible, try to ignore!

FloatyCat · 10/04/2017 09:28

She sounds really ill OP, she's been ill for a few days.
Surely you & DP are in charge of her food?? Give her bland food only, or even better non milky drinks / no food for 24hrs to rest her stomach & bowels. If she is still ill after this I think you need to get her a doctors appt.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 10/04/2017 09:29

I think the reason she was still ill up to last night (fingers crossed she seems a bit better this morning) is because she doesn't change what she eats or drinks so it just keeps coming back up/out whereas the rest of us only ate bland food and water and that reduced symptoms a bit

Maybe. But when DD had gastro a couple of years back hers lasted all week. That much so by the next week I ended up taking her to the Doctors. I'd been giving her bland foods all week and the first thing the nurse did was tell me off nicely and say she needs to eat more varied things to get her sugar & salt balances back up etc. She was as right as rain in a day or two after.

Unihorn · 10/04/2017 09:31

Awaywiththepixies
Perhaps when you refer to the DSD catching the bug "off the OP's family" you mean her family. They are still her family just because they don't live together all the time. And the suggestions that she shouldn't have contact with her family because they've been ill - what do people do with their children when there's sickness in their house, throw them out?

Original poster
Hoptastic53 · 10/04/2017 09:32

No, she will help herself to food floaty.

OP posts:
FreeNiki · 10/04/2017 09:37

she doesn't change what she eats or drinks so it just keeps coming back up/out whereas the rest of us only ate bland food and water and that reduced symptoms a bit.

Wtf. Does everything revolve around her?

You make her keep the mattress cover on and you control what she eats. You dont make her the meals she wants when she is that ill you give her bland food.

Is no one allowed to say no to her?

ElinorRigby · 10/04/2017 09:38

I think it's fairly easy with your own child - or one who lives with you nearly all the time - to say, 'No you can't eat a bag of crisps and a doughnut and those biscuits, You've been sick and can have plain pasta or dry toast today till you stop puking.'

It is much harder to lay down the same rules with a stepchild, if the father is being a Disney Dad (and also he's not dealing with the shit). And also if one's stepchild might go back to her mother and say, 'My stepmum was really horrible and starved me, and wouldn't let me have any treats and it wasn't fair and I don;t want to go back there.'

Original poster
Hoptastic53 · 10/04/2017 09:40

If she were my DC I would restrict the food but being SM I don't get to make those choices. Cleaning up after DP gave her curry and milkshake to "get her salt and sugar levels back up" was no fun whatsoever.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 10/04/2017 09:46

What starsorwater said exactly. No way would my dh get away with this. He would just have to be sick because he's taking care of his child: Well, two things to start with.

  1. To your dp. 'Get out of bed and take care of your poor daughter.'
(Thick layer of Vick on dp's quivering top lip will genuinely help with the stench. Give him a bucket for his heaving. Rubber gloves for cleaning.)
  1. To the sick one (and all the rest of the dcs when it is their turn)
'50p every time you hit the bucket. £1 every time you get through an episode with no mess.' Or more. In fact, what ever it's worth.

Mattress cover stays on. Nightlight on. Teach if they wake up sick to grab bucket and yell for help, not run around the house chucking up.

And dp should be camping on the floor of her room until she is much better.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 10/04/2017 09:47

Your DP gave her curry and milkshake whilst suffering from a D&V bug? Poor kid!

The situation with my DD being given more varied foods was different and on medical advice. She'd been ill with it for a week already.

If your DP is happy for you to do the nursing duties he should be happy to let you make some choices on his behalf.
The kids Stepmum is allowed to make choices relating to the kids when the ex is at work. I've never had a problem with it and I'm sorry but the bigger problem here is that you're DP needs to pull his finger out his arse.

harshbuttrue1980 · 10/04/2017 09:49

You should be kinder and more sympathetic - shes a child ffs, and is clearly very ill. HOWEVER - your DH needs to step up and do the actual cleaning up, as it is his child after all.

Bonadrag1988 · 10/04/2017 09:49

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SaorAlbaGuBrath · 10/04/2017 09:50

I have DSDs and 3 DC, I'm an emetophobe and DP heaves at the sight of vomit. But he still does it, as do I, because they're our/his kids!
As for curry and milkshake during a tummy bug are you serious???? Fuck me no wonder the poor bairn was still chucking rings round herself Hmm if you don't get to change what she eats when she's sick, then you sure as fuck shouldn't be cleaning it up after he's given her something guaranteed to make her vomit!
She's 10, feeling awful and nobody wants to deal with her. Poor, poor wee lassie. Your DP needs to get a fucking grip.