AIBU to think we should encourage our daughters to 'marry well'?

[windygallows]

I know 'marrying well' is something our mothers and grandmothers crowed about but it's not a phrase I've heard much these days and it feels quite an anti-feminist sentiment in a world where women can do well without men.

Yet I wonder if marrying well - marrying into money or marrying someone who is in a well-paid profession - is something we should be encouraging our daughters to do. Why? Because not every woman wants to have a career and if you want to be a SAHM then really that's easiest if your DH is well paid. Also women still experience a pay gap and are in lower-paid roles by comparison, so having a well paid DH really does make up that pay gap.

Plus - when I look around at my female friends and peers (I'm mid-40s) of the ones who have a comfortable lifestyle and are able to work part-time or be SAHM, for about 3/4 that lifestyle is attributed to having a well-paid or wealthy DH. The other 1/4 got there through their work/career, family money etc. This is purely a sample of my peers, by no means the norm.

I'm a staunch feminist so it's a bit hard to write this but I'm also a single parent and know what a slog it can be making everything work on my own salary. Marrying well doesn't mean a good marriage or relationship but it does make things easier. In the end shouldn't we be having an honest conversation with our daughters about this and encouraging them to think a bit more about 'marrying well'?

Same here twatty with my sons.

Life is tough and everyone needs to be able to support themselves, and to support their partner and kids, should a serious illness/disability occur.

Imagine being delighted at the thought of 'marrying well', "Because not every woman wants to have a career and if you want to be a SAHM then really that's easiest if your DH is well paid" (OP's words)

And that being scuppered by the fact the person you married, has a serious accident 6 months later and can no longer continue with their career?

There's no 'Plan B' in that scenario is there?

It's stupid women like you who allow there to be a pay gap and for us to still have problems you sit around excepting but pretending to fight for something by telling your children to do something. There's a pay gap because women don't often ask for more in the office I work in there's only so much money to go around and the men are going to speak out the women don't if a man doesn't get enough he threatens to leave and we give a pray rise. When women get payed they say thank you but what for 😂 it's your salary you worked for it.

It terms of telling us to marry well your sending us make generations and i can't see the point.

Hey user glad to know the pay gap issue can be solved just by women ASKING for more money.

Appears to be stupid women like me exacerbating the problem not grammatical wizards like you.

YANBU. Life is easier when money isn't tight. Who wouldn't want an easier life.

Ideally we should be encouraging our offspring to marry someone they love, who loves and respects them, and contributes to the household in whatever way.

Encourage your DDs not to marry at all. Being tied down to a man isn't the meaning of life

I agree with you, but not for any of the reasons you mention. I agree because I've seen relationships where the woman is the higher earner, but the man still seems to be the head of household - traditional ideas from the past I suppose. In the two cases I'm talking about the man wanted to open his own business because he was earning very little in his day job. In both cases the women were dragged into keeping their jobs and working for these businesses and working themselves to the ground.
I know of one example of a man going in with his partner's business, but that was because he didn't have a job at the time. I don't know of an example of a man being asked to leave his job or do his day job and then work in the evening in a business the woman wanted.

Until women are equal to men, I'm not sure it's a good idea for a woman to marry a man who earns a lot less than her.

Awful advice to teach children. So boys have no choice but to work hard whilst girls should pick a man based on his earnings so they don't have to do anything.

Marriage should be about love, commitment, the shared morals, views etc. Money should not come into it if marrying for the true meaning of marriage.

I'd rather my children aim high themselves rather than believe they are limited by their sex and have to do x, y and z. I'd be very disappointed if they thought someone else should provide for them.

If marrying well means marrying your equal then yes. If it's for a meal ticket then no. In this day and age it usually takes 2 incomes to live comfortably. I would feel very uncomfortable about not going to work for several reasons :

• It would create an imbalance in our relationship as I wouldn't carry the same weight when deciding things such as where we live.
• It would be a lot of pressure on my OH and I would never want him to spend his days doing something he hated because he felt like he had the entirety of the financial burden on his shoulders. I wouldn't want my time with the kids to be the expense of his.
• I want my kids to know that women work. Relevant because my OH cones from a culture where this is typically not the case.
• It would be bad for my self esteem and mental health not to work. I don't like housework either.
• I have been very privileged with regard to my education so I feel I have a responsibility to give something back.
• If something happened to my OH or if something were to go awry in our relationship, I'd be in a bad way.

These are not in any particular order and I know that the situation is very different for others. So no I don't judge.

"Marrying someone who earns more than you means that you will be trapped into being the one who gives up work/goes part time when you have kids,"

You don't have to have kids. Also, I've seen people doing jobs they really like or working part time because their spouse's income allows them to. For example, if I'm out of work I have to take the first job coming, but if I had a safety net I could wait until a more interesting job came along and maybe end up earning more later. Or maybe I could study to get a better job. It's not necessarily all about being a SAHM.

YANBU - Who you choose to be the father of your children is the most important decision a woman will ever make.

"Who you choose to be the father of your children is the most important decision a woman will ever make."

Not every woman has children. For those who do the decision of who to marry is very similar to who to choose as father of your children and it probably helps if he's got more than two pennies to rub together (same goes for the man choosing the woman of course).

YANBU - Who you choose to be the father of your children is the most important decision a woman will ever make.

I don't think anyone on this thread has said any different?

However, it has nothing to do with 'marrying well' Because not every woman wants to have a career and if you want to be a SAHM then really that's easiest if your DH is well paid.

That imo is just an intention to live life without putting any hard work in, career-wise.

Just let someone else do it and keep the £££ rolling in for you.

YANBU - Who you choose to be the father of your children is the most important decision a woman will ever make.

No one will disagree with this. It's on what basis you decide someone is s good person to marry or have children with. For me, being rich or earning lots doesn't come into it.

How about teaching them not to be financially dependent on a man and marrying someone who loves and respects them instead? And that's if they want to marry - marriage does not have to be the be all and end all of a woman's existence!

I'm feeling bad reading this thread as I've always found the fact that my DH earns a lot hugely attractive. I go weak at the knees at the thought of massive bonuses and share options 😂😂😂

However,I know we would be happy together even if we were skint but seeing as we have I'm going to appreciate it.

It's interesting that so many posters think that unequal earning power results in unequal relationships. I've never felt that to be the case with DH and I. We aren't in competition with one another 🤷🏻‍♀️

I married for love. I think I know a lot more men who married/will marry "well" than I know of women who married/will marry "well". I don't like snobbery and judge the people I know who look down their noses at others. I have said for years "When the money runs out so does the love". It is sad but mostly true these days.

I find this thread so depressing. I will be encouraging dd to ensure that she is able to support herself and enjoy the kind of lifestyle that she wants without having to rely on someone else to fund her choices. As for marriage, I hope that she will have the financial independence that enables her to be with someone because she wants to, and not because she needs the money, wants a nice house or whatever. Women who marry for money are just glorified prostitutes, surely.

I didn't marry "well" in a financial sense, but I have no regrets. I'm a high earner and am able to fund the lifestyle that I choose. I hope that dd will be able to do the same!

It's just luck really. If your daughter happens to fall in love with a wealthy guy and he falls in love with her then great.

I don't think it's a viable life plan though!

Better to encourage your daughter to do activities where she is improving her own ability to earn (prestigious university, good career etc) and as a secondary by doing those things she is more likely to meet a man who also went to a prestigious university and has a good career himself.

I grew up with middle-class parents, with the kind of spending power that most people regard as enabling a "comfortable life" (nice house, nice car, hols abroad, money to shop and buy treats etc.) After working for 20 years, I have been lucky enough to marry extremely well and am a SAHM to our wonderful DD. My DH is working class, earns around £15k a year, and we are what many people would class as "poor". We live in a council house, our clothes are cheap/pre-loved (as are DD's toys), I don't buy make-up or beauty products, and we drive an old banger. In what sense did I marry "extremely well"? Quite simply my DH is the sweetest-natured bloke alive. In the 5 years of our marriage, he has never uttered even a cross, let alone cruel word to me. He is loving, trustworthy to-the-death, and does a huge chunk of the housework and childcare as well as his paid job. He is smart, funny, encouraging, forgiving, and conscientious. I get brought coffee in bed every day . We travel frequently (camping trips - often wild camping - to the most breath-takingly beautiful parts of the UK) and our DD spends her days amongst a community of our friends, all of whom love to spend time in nature as much as we do. Every time I read posts on MN about financially well-off people whose DHs have behaved like complete idiots and hurt them deeply in some way, I thank my bloody lucky stars that I was able to marry such a financially poor man who is fabulously wealthy in every way that counts. I hope to god I can encourage my DD to marry as well as I have so that she is able to experience the same happiness !

My mother told my sister this, because my sister is one of these non-ambitious women. She's smart enough, but not ambitious by any means. Plus, she's attractive, so of course, it should've been easy for her to find a wealthy man.

She was in a terrible, emotionally abusive relationship with a man who came from a wealthy family and owns his own successful business. Sure he was great on paper, but constantly made her feel like shit about what she looked like, where she came from, what they did together. He knew she felt like she was inferior and he played on it.

Now my sister is with a great guy who works very hard but is not a high earner. But she's happy. After a huge emotional relapse, she's doing well.

My mother still mourns the end of the previous relationship. "Because he was rich."

So in my experience, I disagree.

Was it Mae West who said "I've been rich and I've been poor, and believe me, honey, rich is better"? I am so happy that my DD has married her lovely man, who is kind, supportive, loving, and with whom she has so much in common. He was poor when they were engaged - the result of a previous relationship entanglement, and comes from a working class background which has no potential for a large inheritance. If anything, he "married well" in material terms, since my DD will inherit a very substantial estate on my demise. He is rapidly climbing the career ladder, but to me, that is not "marrying well." To see these two off together travelling, going to the theatre and opera, reading extensively books they have recommended to each other, building a nest together - to me, that's "marrying well". When I married exH 45 years ago, many people told me i was "letting my mother down" because he was "working class". It was not that which caused the divorce, but rather, a lack of common values, which has nothing to do with class.

Worra That imo is just an intention to live life without putting any hard work in, career-wise.

What about hard work in other areas though?

The problem with all this is that work in the home and childcare ("womens work") is not valued.

It bothers me a lot - I've got loads of skills and do home type stuff from cooking to gardening to DIY. Unfortunately due to mental ill-health I can't cope in the workplace (atm). So I'm lumped in the unambitioius catgory, and the same (or worse) category as the dossers. Yay!

Jesus, it's like Rip van Winckel in reverse: you go to sleep and the next thing you know it's 1957.

HappCatt
"I've always found the fact that my DH earns a lot hugely attractive. I go weak at the knees at the thought of massive bonuses and share options"

What first attracted you to the millionaire Mr HappCatt?