Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL hit DD (4) after being told repeatedly not to. NC against DH wishes?

294 replies

netflixandnappies · 09/04/2017 20:04

I've been wanting to post but have been shy because of judgement but I really need help as I am NC with my own family and DH isn't with me

I don't mind MIL but culturally we are not the same. She thinks it's okay to hit kids and for the most stupid bullshit, like "answering back" or spilling something if being told not to touch it. It's like she gets a thrill out of being a disciplinarian for the sake of it, as opposed to actually caring about raising a responsible healthy kid. She teases me all the time with comments like: "That shit couldn't have run in my house!" like it's a status symbol for your kids to be afraid of you. I grew up getting hit for reason, my mother was lazy and sadistic. I despise her now and we are NC after trying to be close for years.

I've never left DD alone with MIL once she hit 2 because I know what she's like. She can be lovely, but also ghetto (I come from a working class background I mean nothing by it) impatient and petty. I noticed the more DD developed a personality, MIL chastised her more. Last year I heard MIL say "stop that or I'll spank you". I was in the loo, DH was on a conference call. I came back and politely told her we don't ever do that, and even if we did, we's never extend it beyond our own discretion. She rolled her eyes and I really put my foot down and said nearly verbatim (obviously I can't recount word for word) "If you ever touch my child I won't have you around again because there'd be no trust and she isn't even naughty, you're just impatient and I'm sorry, but a little ghetto". I said the ghetto bit in a sort of jokey / serious tone that I can honestly say she didn't take offence to. We are from the same background and she knows what I mean.

On Friday MIL was with us in the living room being perfectly sweet, DD wanted an ice cream from the van outside. We all said no (no treats due to an earlier transgression). MIL was telling her no and to sit down and stop looking out the window like a puppy. DD turned around and said "I don't care" in tears and MIL got up, pulled up her skirt and gave her a huge smack on her bum. I thought she was getting up to take her from the window bay and appease her but she hit her! It happened in literally 3 seconds! I was up and grabbing my child and doing the obvious "how dare you's" but didn't want more of a scene as DD was clearly distressed (she's never been hit, or threatened to be hit). DH was trying to calm everything down after hearing the commotion and I went upstairs to calm DD down. MIL is downstairs saying I'm too soft when our DD is an ordinary child behaviour wise. What 4 year old doesn't have the odd cheeky come back? What 4 year old doesn't have the odd tantrum? I come downstairs and and grab her bag and jacket off the bannister and ask her nicely to leave so we can sort this out. DH is upset but thinks it's just a spank and he got loads when he was a kid and he turned out alright. We agreed together no spanking but somehow because it's his mother he feels like I'm being a bitch! Like she should get a pass! He conceded she will probably do it again if she see's fit so I said NC with DC!! No point having family around your kids and having to walk on eggshells because they have a fucked up flaw. He's saying NC with DC is ridiculous, she's not a pedophile etc......That's his mother etc....

OP posts:
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 09/04/2017 21:45

So his mum's feelings are more important than his DD's wellbeing?

Fuck that.

Could you go "stealth non contact" as in just not see her for a while, be busy, make excuses, just not turn up? Or does DH take DD to see her without you sometimes?

Or alternatively don't frame it as NC, could you say "I just need some space from her right now" and not see her for a few weeks?

ohfourfoxache · 09/04/2017 21:46

X post

Bloody hell Netflix, you've had it tough Sad

bookwormnerd · 09/04/2017 21:48

If anyone hit my children family or not they would have no contact. There is absolutely no need to hit a child. Every child answers back at some point, its normal and healthy. I would worry if a child didn't. Its about them discovering their own voice and questioning the world. You do not want a child completely compliment to doing whatever someone else is telling them to do. You had control of situation, hitting made it into an out of control situation. It's not her place. I remember the times I did get smacked growing up which wasn't often but I remember it as being humiliating and broke trust. I remember feeling unloved and angry about the situation and this was when my parents rarely hit. Your husband needs to back you up. Ask him if he would ever put up with anyone else snaking your child

Original poster
netflixandnappies · 09/04/2017 21:49

ohfourfoxache Teachers saw something in DH. Even his mum says "them teachers used to be like (dh) is proper smart you know and I used to be like well can he make a tenner out of a fiver I'd like to see that"

OP posts:
ClemDanfango · 09/04/2017 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
netflixandnappies · 09/04/2017 21:52

Guys I'm going to take DD down to DH tomorrow morning, and have her tell DH what happened in her own words. Then I'm going to gently ask her how it felt and if she wants to see MIL again and I know what she'll say. By the way DH was really upset he just seems torn about NC. The DD card is shameless but I don't care.

OP posts:
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 09/04/2017 21:52

^ the idea being that hopefully during that time she will learn her lesson. Or is that a ridiculous idea to expect her to modify her behaviour?

AcrossthePond55 · 09/04/2017 21:53

Let him know that you will never again be alone with your MiL and your DD. That he will have to be there every single minute that she is around DD because although he trusts that he'll be able to prevent it, you don't trust that you'll be able to prevent it. Put 100% of the responsibility for preventing a future occurrence squarely on him and him alone.

And then ask your DH if he is sure enough that he'll be able to prevent it happening again that he's willing to bet your marriage on it, because if you play it his way and it does happen again, he'll be tossed out the house along with his mother!

Megatherium · 09/04/2017 21:54

For example if I wasn't in my thoughts while DD was crying and said "I don't care" and instantly started berating her, I do concede MIL would have kept her arse glued to the sofa. It just happened so damn quickly before the words "Don't talk to nana like that" could even leave my mouth!

That's the thing, she was obviously looking for the opportunity. And there will always be times when you don't think some conduct of your daughter demands an instant response, and she'll jump in and use that loophole. Your DH just has to get real about this.

Original poster
netflixandnappies · 09/04/2017 21:58

I'm also sending MIL this text, so sorry for asking so many questions, as I said my friends will laugh and say I've gone posh and I have no family of my own.

Hey MIL
Friday was unacceptable, and a betrayal of our trust. I asked you to never smack DD and explained why. We aren't the closest, but never doubt that I value your place in our family. However you must stay in your place in our family, or else there won't be a place for you I'm afraid. DD is not that badly behaved, and although I don't mind gentle warnings, hitting isn't allowed point plank period. I didn't even hit you, and I wanted to. In any case, I think we should have a break. DD is upset and a little afraid of you. Lets have a coffee next week, and speak about ways you can be involved in DD's life, without overstepping the mark. I know this is different than how me and DH were raised, but the way we were raised hasn't exactly done wonders for our community - Has it? If beating children created "good" children, we would have lived in a social paradise surely? Ponder on that, and message me a time and place for next week. I don't hate you - Just never touch my child again. Ever.

OP posts:
wheresthel1ght · 09/04/2017 22:03

I am not against smacking and do feel it has a time and a place, however it is utterly unacceptable that she has gone against your express wishes.

The text you plan to send seems a little too confrontational - I would simply send her something like " Hi MIL, I think we need to discuss the incident on Friday so that it doesn't happen again. Please let me know when is best for you to meet for a coffee and a chat" Everything else needs to be discussed in person

TheFirstMrsDV · 09/04/2017 22:03

forthesake you don't know the half of it!

Goldmandra · 09/04/2017 22:04

Good text OP.

The message is clear. Touch my DD and she will not be in your life.

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 09/04/2017 22:07

I think that's a fair and balanced message OP. There's an opening in it if she wants to cooperate and a very clear line if she doesn't. She cannot even begin to pretend she doesn't understand what the issue is or why.

Goldmandra · 09/04/2017 22:08

You need your DH to reinforce that message. If he doesn't, she will sense a gap and drive a wedge in it.

You have asked her nicely to respect your wishes and she disregarded them. Now she needs to have some time to realise what she's done before she has a chat and an opportunity to get her head round agreeing not to do it again before you meet next week.

marriednotdead · 09/04/2017 22:11

Well done for all that you've managed in dealing with MIL so far, you've been very restrained.

I fully understand the culture to which you refer, and the prevailing negative attitude amongst some when they see people like you and your DH succeeding.

Your text is fab but unless you take out the line referring wanting to hit her, I guarantee that is all that will register with her. Oh, and she might like the thought that your DD is scared of her so maybe ditch that- can picture her reading that line and mentally saying 'good, she should be!'

ConfidentlyUnhinged · 09/04/2017 22:13

Netflix - I'm so sorry you have had no one to celebrate your achievements. You sound utterly formidable and should be so proud of yourself.

TyneTeas · 09/04/2017 22:14

Good text OP

It is admirably measured and very clear

gillybeanz · 09/04/2017 22:17

I'm sorry your faily are going through this, but no way should you drag your dd into this anymore than she is. Please don't make her say she doesn't want to see mil again, just stick to your principles.

I'd be telling him if he took the dc to see mil you would inform ss as it's your responsibility as their parent to keep them safe, as he obviously doesn't.
that should do the trick.

heretohelpGB · 09/04/2017 22:33

OP can I say something as someone who comes from similar background. And trust me I am really wary of even saying this as it I am fully aware it could sound either rude or condescending or both!!

Your email, in its length and language, sounds like something a "posh" person has written and something that I know would raise the heckles of my family if they were to receive it and hence the message would be lost in the anger at the pompousness - although it is the type of thing that I would write. Why not stick to something simple either by text to her or better still in words to your DH and leave the talking to MiL to DH. "Hitting is not and never will be ok by us. If you apologise to DD who is very upset we can try and move on BUT this is a final warning - NOONE will ever hit my children and if you even attempt it again it will be the last time you see them"

If you say this to DH you have the moral high ground by giving MIL one more chance and if DH agrees than you can both be on the same side of and when the situation arises when you do go no contact!!

ShakingAndShocked · 09/04/2017 22:34

' I'm crying as I type this because I dug myself out of the gutter and have no one to be proud of me. No mum to say well done. No family cheering when I got my medical degree. Nothing.'

Like PPs I want to say that whilst I don't know you, I am bloody proud of you Flowers

I so get the 'literally clawing your way out of a place' as that was my truth too but what goes hand in hand with it is the fact that those you have clawed your way away from (and bluntly, above them) do not change. They will never express pride in you and IME simply resent your success.

I do know though that your DD will be proud of you, and that she will never know fear (apart from today which must have been shockingly terrifying for her Angry ); that you have been the pivot point in your family to change things and that that is fucking amazing. Keep on protecting your DD from people who know no better and think you have become 'above your station' - they have jack to offer whereas you are a total Star

heretohelpGB · 09/04/2017 22:35

Oh and fully agree with gillybeanz - please do not drag your DD into this. This is not her fight!

gammaraystar · 09/04/2017 22:37

She would never see me, or my child again. If DH didn't like it, he could fuck off too.

marriednotdead · 09/04/2017 22:39

heretohelpGB makes a very good point. You need to talk in a language she understands- it's not stooping to her level but if you are brief and blunt in the style which is her way, she is more likely to 'get' you.

ShakingAndShocked · 09/04/2017 22:40

HereToHelp '...hence the message would be lost in the anger at the pompousness'

But it is NOT 'pompous' in the least. The fact they may read it that way is squarely their/her issue and no way should OP be offering a maladjustment her own norms of behaviour in order that it doesn't irk others - no fucking way. 'D'GM is the one with the issue here, and OP should not (& hopefully will not as I think that text has already been sent?) be cowtowing to her. In any fucking way, shape, or form.

Swipe left for the next trending thread