Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my 12 year old DD and unwanted male attention

452 replies

crispandcheesesandwichplease · 09/04/2017 14:51

I've posted before about my DD getting unwanted attention form adult men. She's 12, she's developing but doesn't wear make up or skimpy clothes. She doesn't look particularly older than she is.

Today we're down by the riverside having a picnic. She's wearing jeans and a t-shirt. We were sat reading and other people are around. A bloke, in his 40's I'd say, and 2 younger kids come and sit near us. The bloke immediately starts leering at my daughter. He sees me watching him look at her, I give him the Paddington bear hard stare. The kids he is with are messing about by the water and he's sorting them out with sun cream etc. He keeps looking over at my DD then at me, he knows I'm watching him.

After about 20 mins or so they gather their stuff to leave, he still keeps glancing at my daughter then at me. DD is oblivious to this, lost in her book. As they walk off I continue watching him, and he keeps turning round to look at my DD. Then, just before they disappear round the corner he turns to me and sticks his two fingers up at me!

Part of me was amused at his cheek but another part of me was furious. He was clearly letching at her and knew I'd clocked it, then he does that! What goes on in some men's head ffs???

OP posts:
ShoesHaveSouls · 09/04/2017 19:07

IMO, this is not a reason to wear a hijab. I mean, if you want to wear one, fine by me, but are we all to hide our girl's faces lest they attract male attention?

Or should the men stop being fucking creepy bastards? This man was with his 2 children - he's obvs not the 'creepy man' that we're taught to fear - he's a father in the care of his children. This should be utterly unccaeptable. Social change is needed - it can be achieved. But it needs everyone to do it - it needs people to stop brushing women's perceptions under the carpet, stop saying women are imagining it, as we've seen on this thread.

supermoon100 · 09/04/2017 19:11

I've honestly never really noticed leering much in my life. I was once a fairly attractive young female. Perhaps I've just never noticed it! Maybe it's not as bad as people think

VladmirsPoutine · 09/04/2017 19:15

This is why I wear hijab.

This is rather astonishing. You feel that the onus is on you to prevent men from perving by wearing a religious adornment? Is that the purpose of the hijab? What a bizarre comment!

Flowerfae · 09/04/2017 19:16

urgh, I think what the other posters have suggested is the best thing to do.

A couple of years ago we had gone for a day out to the beach which is really close to where we live. DH had taken the boys to arcade and I was with our daughter, she was nearly 11 at the time. We were stood looking at the beach, and a man who looked about mid 50's-60's had come from behind, stood next to me and stood there leering at her and looking her up and down. I was a bit shocked actually, I didn't say anything but I looked at him thinking if he saw me watching him, he would stop. He looked directly at me then carried on looking her up and down.

I told her we were going for a walk (she hadn't noticed him) and we walked off towards the area of the arcade, he walked after us still looking at her. I grabbed hold of her hand and kept turning around and looking at him because I did think he might of tried to grab her due to the way he was behaving. We got to a shop and we went inside and he wasn't there when we came back out again.

I didn't phone the police because I didn't think they would do much as he hadn't actually made an attempt to grab her. We did tell a friend of ours who is in the police though and he said he would make a note of it incase anything else was reported.

TheStoic · 09/04/2017 19:17

What a bizarre comment!

Not bizarre at all. Completely understandable.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 09/04/2017 19:30

Well of course we know women are not harassed or sexually assaulted in countries where they have to cover up Hmm

Daringdaschund · 09/04/2017 19:35

Sorry you had that experience but I am so glad you posted about this op.

My teen is tall and pretty with long legs and long hair and she looks older than she is (as do most of her friends) and this is in school uniform without make up of any sort. She is also very shy and hates attracting attention to herself.

I once posted on here about her being leered at by men on public transport and got told I was being pfb about it Confused but when you are confronted with this sort of thing in reality it is horrible.

ATM my DD who is only 13 and quite young for her age is not fully aware of the male attention she is attracting but she has already had to deal with one incident on the tube when some older guy was trying to block her in and chat her up and that was in the first fortnight when she started travelling by herself to secondary school Sad. God knows what she will have to face in the future but assertiveness training and self defence lessons are definitely on the cards.

Just makes me feel so Angry at these entitled twats who put our daughters through this.

Also I hate that people come on these threads and accuse op of victim blaming. It is totally normal for a mother to be worried about a child's safety and to want their daughters to be protected from leering men.. Blame the men, not the women fgs!!

Daringdaschund · 09/04/2017 19:38

Supermoon I thought exactly the same as you until I had a teenage daughter

Xanadu44 · 09/04/2017 19:45

I can't believe the amount of people who are giving the OP a hard time here!! Why is it ok for a man to do that?? Why would you think she misunderstood?? She blatantly didn't from the story, and her clothing comment was basically stating there was no suggestion her daughter was older. She was not victim blaming and if I'm honest those of you who are attacking her are victim blaming her!!

Saucery · 09/04/2017 19:47

I remember looking out of DS's window when waking him up from his afternoon nap, so at a regular, repeated time, when the two local high schools finished for the day. The number of men in cars turning their heads to stare at the girls was astonishing. Every day, all ages of men, craning their necks and taking advantage of the slow traffic at that time of day.

DragonNoodleCake · 09/04/2017 19:49

This happened to my DD when she was 14. Luckily she was with my outspoken DSis who loudly shouted, ''stop leering at my 14 year old niece'' he was somewhat embarrassed and left asap. My DD did look older, but she was clearly a teen and he clearly late 20's early 30's.
Call them out - it embarrasses most.

Scabetty · 09/04/2017 19:50

i hoped things would have changed since I was a teen but sadly no. Dd is now16 yo but has had her share of kerb crawlers and lechers telling her to smile over the years. She is quite able to give the death stare but I find it so depressing that nothing has changed.

Daringdaschund · 09/04/2017 19:52

I honestly think it's got worse Scabetty - I blame Internet porn

DragonNoodleCake · 09/04/2017 19:55

I remember being a naive 16 yo first time on a tube (from up north was first visit to London) a man at least late 40's took the opportunity of a packed tube to rub his crotch against my backside. I tried shuffling away as much as possible. I was shocked and a bit scared and did not want to draw attention to myself.
Oh I wish I had the courage to call him out. I think back to that day and use that memory to tell my DD to stand up for herself.

OpalDiamond · 09/04/2017 19:57

It's unfortunate that these things happen but I think we've got evolution to blame for this.

NinonDeLenclos · 09/04/2017 20:05

I too am a bit bemused by women who doubt the OP's word. Did they not have this attention themselves? It's fairly standard.

GeorgeTheHamster · 09/04/2017 20:06

Evolution?

WTF?

DJBaggySmalls · 09/04/2017 20:06

A leer is an unpleasant, lascivious facial expression. Its not just looking or staring.

MrsWhirly · 09/04/2017 20:11

Mumsnet makes me laugh (not in a good way) those of you giving the poster a hard time need to ask yourselves some serious questions. Well done OP for looking out for your DD. X

OpalDiamond · 09/04/2017 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ShelaghTurner · 09/04/2017 20:13

I wasn't aware of this as a child, I lived in my own little world most of the time. But I remember my mother saying a few years ago, just a passing comment, that she became invisible when I hit around 10 (she would have been 36), because men stopped looking at her in the street and were looking at me instead. She was disgusted at them looking at me. As a 45yo now with a 9yo this terrifies me. And it's shit that it happens and we have to feel so threatened and wary.

AWhistlingWoman · 09/04/2017 20:14

Also, can't understand those who are doubting the OP's word.I agree with Ninon it is fairly standard in my experience (the early 1990s) although I did hope times had changed.

Saucery · 09/04/2017 20:25

What utter twaddle, Opal. Give men more credit than being slaves to their biological urges.

Original poster
crispandcheesesandwichplease · 09/04/2017 20:26

opal - really??? You think it's normal for an adult male to be interested in a fertile female whatever her age? And it's something men have no control over due to biology?

You are winding me up aren't you?

OP posts:
DameDeDoubtance · 09/04/2017 20:28

This is getting worse not better, the most popular porn search is teen porn. Things will never improve until women start looking out for each other and believing women when they speak out.