my 12 year old DD and unwanted male attention

[crispandcheesesandwichplease]

I've posted before about my DD getting unwanted attention form adult men. She's 12, she's developing but doesn't wear make up or skimpy clothes. She doesn't look particularly older than she is.

Today we're down by the riverside having a picnic. She's wearing jeans and a t-shirt. We were sat reading and other people are around. A bloke, in his 40's I'd say, and 2 younger kids come and sit near us. The bloke immediately starts leering at my daughter. He sees me watching him look at her, I give him the Paddington bear hard stare. The kids he is with are messing about by the water and he's sorting them out with sun cream etc. He keeps looking over at my DD then at me, he knows I'm watching him.

After about 20 mins or so they gather their stuff to leave, he still keeps glancing at my daughter then at me. DD is oblivious to this, lost in her book. As they walk off I continue watching him, and he keeps turning round to look at my DD. Then, just before they disappear round the corner he turns to me and sticks his two fingers up at me!

Part of me was amused at his cheek but another part of me was furious. He was clearly letching at her and knew I'd clocked it, then he does that! What goes on in some men's head ffs???

The first time I saw a man leering at my daughter, she was six years old. She was wearing a modest outfit, trousers and long top, from M+S. He was driving a lorry but had stopped at traffic lights and was leering for all he was worth. He looked nervous when he noticed me looking at him.

But OP, as your daughter is 12, you need to get used to it and teach your dd how to deal with it. Make her aware, to keep her safe.

""Do I really have this to look forward to in only six years?!?
What a stupid comment.
Yes..... because all of us who have or had 12 years old daughters have had to fend off leering blokes.""

Not a stupid comment at all. Even if the underage girls aren't aware of it, there aren't many that haven't had it happen to them.

My three DDs did and i see it all the time, even ad in some cases especially when they are in school uniform.

My middle DD (21) is sick of constantly having men in their 40/50's trying to flirt her. They even butt into her and her friends conversations with 'banter', to get attention.

I don't know any adult Women that can't spot leering.

And yet it's always been older Women that are described as desperate. I've never known a Woman to accidentally leer over an underage lad, or sleep with one, no matter how famous.

It's shit, everyday sexism behaviour that we don't have to just put up with it, anymore.

Perhaps he had also lost control of his two fingers, the poor guy.

Quite. He knew what he was doing, and knew he'd been caught doing it.

Elephant I do talk to her about it and make suggestions about how she might deal with it. I've clocked men leering at her since she was 9. On this occasion, as I've already said, she hadn't noticed so I didn't draw her attention to it.

TheElephantofSurprise .. .appalling .

I'd have done more than look at him . . dirty git . I imagine its shock though , that some are so blatent, and its Scary to think there are so many about.

I remember my dear DNan ,, Never had all this paedophile business in my day , Pointed out to her that it was simply and sadly swept under the carpet back in her day and the newspapers did not have such a large readership and the police detection not as good but yes, in her day , there were indeed paedophiles too

I'm amazed at some of the responses on here.

First of all, the whole 'are you sure he wasn't just staring because you were staring at him' response - the OP has described the situation in detail. She is also a grown woman who knows what she saw and I suspect knows what a leering man looks like. This kind of response sounds a lot like victim blaming to me - 'are you sure you weren't leading him on?' 'Are you sure you didn't say yes to him?'

Secondly the OP's choice of words about her daughter's appearance - what a way to miss the point. The OP was clearly just trying to say that her daughter looks like a 12 year old and doesn't dress or make herself up to be an older girl.

I remember very vividly being on holiday aged 11 years old, a couple of months off my 12th birthday, and being followed and harassed by a man in his twenties - for several hours. My parents were disgusted and furious (and I think a bit terrified). I didn't fully understand what was happening at the time but I look back now and am filled with rage. I was 11 for fuck's sake!!!

The old perv. Sickening. You challenged him just by staring at him as his super aggressive response showed - but even that two fingers up thing pisses me off so much - it's as though he thought he was entitled to have a perv-at-a-child session and her mother ruined it for him.

Thank you pigface. That's a very interesting point you make about people challenging me actually displaying victim blaming behaviour themselves. Of course I know what I saw, of course I wasn't misunderstanding. People trying to point to finger back at me and my apparent paranoia perpetuate all of those who blame women for giving 'mixed messages' to poor innocent men.

Well said.

My little girl was barely more than a toddler when we noticed men especially staring at her. She has never looked like a toddler, no puppy fat etc long and lean, but very clearly 5 in age. She has been in martial arts since 3 yrs old as our family have been that freaked out by it. I make sure she dresses very child like to reinforce her evident age, but it doesn't change anything. We've even have random men tell us how lovely or pretty she is.

I feel scared by it. She will have to leave the house unattended at some point and we won't be there to protect her!

I realise how ridiculous it sounds. You just don't assume people would be eyeing up little girls.

Happens a lot on AIBU OP , . Unfortunately

It's so disappointing but so widespread. Nothing to do with looks, clothing, make up, just a few perves.

Dd is 18 and since secondary school she has had this. At the bus stop once two blokes opposite were loudly discussing how to get hold of her and rape her. Unfortunately she didn't know what to do so I could never follow it up. I was horrified that she told me it's been going on for years when we talked about it - so normal it wasn't worth mentioning.

I probably first noticed when she was about 14 - older male teenagers talking to her not me, that kind of thing, I shops and to be fair a lot of adult men aren't guilty of perving. A significant minority seem to be and it's horrible.

I have never found this to be the case

Seriously, Ninon? Because that is part of the issue- lots of men seem to think you are fair game when you are dressed up nicely and will shout things and sometimes even try to grope you on public transport. Of course it happens sometimes when you are dressed down too, but I definitely notice an increase if I am dressed up to go out because some sick pervs see it as an 'invitation' or something dumb like that. It doesn't justify their behaviour in any way whatsoever- but it's stupid to pretend that they aren't more likely to ogle or be more aggressive in their ogling if you are wearing skimpy clothes.

chitofftheshovel oh please the op isn't stupid she is able to tell the difference from a glance or someone who has vision problems/is interested in her daughters facial expressions and whatever other nonsense you posted

And I am intelligent enough to read through posts where men are being excused for their leering and disgusting behaviour towards a young girl and her mother

Shame on you

I'd have said really loudly 'can I help you with anything'. I get this with my DD also 12 all the time, she is tall for her age. I just want to put a big sign on her saying CHILD.

Oh god what a disgusting piece of shit thank God your dd had no clue :(

I have a 10.7 yr old and this scares me tbh.

Older men can be so.... just bleurgh I remember as an underage teen drinking that men would look. I spent many years although older having to put up with comments and unwanted attention and even touching. You expect to be safe as a child but clearly not.

Strangely enough people frequently asked both dds when they were younger if they had boyfriends... erm no on account of being a frickin child ffs...

The clothes thing is irrelevant. I've been letched at wearing "skimpy" clothes and ordered money for sex whilst covered head to ankle in fucking coat.

Perverts are perverts regardless.

He knew exactly what he was doing or he'd not have stuck two fingers up at you he'd have looked embarrassed he'd come across like that.

Urgh! What a fucking creep!

I received lots of unwarranted male attention which I was obviously "asking for" since I grew breasts

I dread this with DD. She has lots of AS traits so poor impulse control and attention-seeking. She is also very much a child.

I had attention at that age too.

However, my brother and I were raised by a single father and I know he felt very self-conscious taking us out, thought people were looking at him etc. They probably weren't, but if he was made very aware of someone looking at him he would have found it very difficult. I'm just suggesting that perhaps you're conscious of people looking at your daughter, but perhaps you misread and he felt you were looking at and judging at him for being a lone male parent. It happens.

Dulcie did you not read my previous posts? He was openly LEERING and it was his leering that caught my attention in the first place.

I think the 'do we know each other' one is the least that should be challenged. I could think of far worse such as 'did you know Jimmy Savile?' which would be understood by the leering man but probably not your daughter.

We've even have random men tell us how lovely or pretty she is.

They could mean it innocently. You probably wouldn't think twice if a woman said it, and men can innocently like children as well. Obviously I wasn't there but I think it should be said.

My sister got a fair amount of attention, we went to a gig once in a student union she was 13 I was 16 or 17. She was pretty, curvy, looked older than she was and attracted some lads, probably about 18 years old. I stepped in when they offered to buy her a drink and pointed out her age. Tbf they very backed off right away, and did it in a nice way. They clearly hadn't realized and were surprised. If I got any attention - and my mum said I did - I was oblivious.

Yes, your right, in the right context it is totally innocent. Unfortunately they have generally been from men we have clocked staring and we have made eye contact...

I've never found I got hit on any less when wearing jeans and no makeup than when dressed up. That goes right back to being 12. It doesn't seem to make any difference.

My DD is only 9, but recently on a bus a man who was at least 50 was out-and-out leering at a girl who was about 13yrs. She was with a friend and both in uniform. I felt so outraged and was giving him the stare. It got me thinking though about how make customers in my parents shop used to treat me when I was 12, 13 or 14, and made me rage even more

What a sick bastard.
I like the idea of taking a photo.
Then shouting why are you looking at my child, are you a peodophile?
When dd was around 8/9 a man was clearly perving at her. I thought my h was going to go over and kill the fucker with his bare hands.

This is why I wear hijab.
I know it's controversial to say but I don't care.
It works. I never wore it until I was 16 and since I've been wearing it I get to go about my business without men harassing me.
On threads talking about hijab people flat out deny that this behaviour happens but here we are.

This makes for such depressing reading. My eldest daughter (1 of 3) is nearly 8. Some of these stories are quite unnerving.