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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my 12 year old DD and unwanted male attention

452 replies

crispandcheesesandwichplease · 09/04/2017 14:51

I've posted before about my DD getting unwanted attention form adult men. She's 12, she's developing but doesn't wear make up or skimpy clothes. She doesn't look particularly older than she is.

Today we're down by the riverside having a picnic. She's wearing jeans and a t-shirt. We were sat reading and other people are around. A bloke, in his 40's I'd say, and 2 younger kids come and sit near us. The bloke immediately starts leering at my daughter. He sees me watching him look at her, I give him the Paddington bear hard stare. The kids he is with are messing about by the water and he's sorting them out with sun cream etc. He keeps looking over at my DD then at me, he knows I'm watching him.

After about 20 mins or so they gather their stuff to leave, he still keeps glancing at my daughter then at me. DD is oblivious to this, lost in her book. As they walk off I continue watching him, and he keeps turning round to look at my DD. Then, just before they disappear round the corner he turns to me and sticks his two fingers up at me!

Part of me was amused at his cheek but another part of me was furious. He was clearly letching at her and knew I'd clocked it, then he does that! What goes on in some men's head ffs???

OP posts:
ITCouldBeWorse · 09/04/2017 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bake · 09/04/2017 16:24

Years ago when we were in our late teens early twenties I had a friend who would, without fail, find a bloke or group of blokes staring at her in every pub/club we went to. I'm sure there may have been looks, but I'm pretty sure her constant checks to see if they were 'still looking' had a lot to do with it moving from an innocent glance/meeting of eyes to a night of being 'stared at'.

It is difficult to judge this situation without being there and witnessing the looks this man was giving. It could be he was deliberately trying to p;ss you off due to your ridiculous overreaction to an innocent glance. A man looking at a young girl doesn't automatically mean he is sexually attracted to her, or mentally undressing her. I think possibly YABU.

ShoesHaveSouls · 09/04/2017 16:30

OP, you challenged him just by staring at him. Your Paddington hard stare says "I know what you're doing" - and that's why he stuck 2 fingers up at you. He's a lecherous twat who should know better. There's a fair few of them about unfortunately.

smallchanceofrain · 09/04/2017 16:39

I agree with Shoes. Sounds like he knew he was letching, or behaving inappropriately in some way, if he stuck two fingers up.

DameDeDoubtance · 09/04/2017 16:45

This has started happening to us now, my daughter is also twelve. Sad

gammaraystar · 09/04/2017 16:47

I would have shouted "fuck of paedo" at him.

Honeybee79 · 09/04/2017 16:52

I understand why you didn't speak to the guy at the time op, as your DD was oblivious and so doing so would have made her uncomfortable, but I would have been tempted to leave DD where she was, go over and say, "Do we know you? Because you appear to be watching me and my 12 yr old daughter . . . "

ShoesHaveSouls · 09/04/2017 16:54

It does surprise me when men do the lecherous stuff in front of parents tbh - and I know they do, because I remember it happening to me.

One occasion, I was about 14/15 and on holiday with my parents and younger siblings, we were on the beach. There was a group of about 3 men a little way away, in their 20's I'd say - and as soon as I stood up to go for a swim, they didn't only stare, they whistled, sat up and turned around to openly gawp at me - one of them even stood up. I was mortified.

Later on my mum said she feared they'd come over - she called them "those horrible men" - but I just can't believe they did that when I was so obviously with my parents and family. Not that it's OK at any time, of course, but it's just so shameless.

Cocolepew · 09/04/2017 16:57

This has been happening since my DD was 12. Shes isn't developed, she slim but has very long legs.
She used to tell me men were staring at/after me, they weren't, it was obvious to me it was her they were leering at.
I've regularly done, the "she's 'whatever age' you pervert" loudly.

WhooooAmI24601 · 09/04/2017 16:59

DS1's best friend is 11 and came out with us a couple of months back for a meal one evening. She and DS1 went to the bar to order extra drinks for themselves and I watched a chap in his twenties slowly clock her and move across towards her. The entire time she stood at the bar he was leering and was clearly looking her up and down til I walked over and said "so how's my favourite 11 year old doing?" loudly whilst staring at him. He looked mortified but it was genuinely revolting. As a parent of boys I'd never have known that grown men would be so brazen about looking at young girls in that way.

SarcasmMode · 09/04/2017 17:02

I've had this happen before when I was 12-14ish but usually abroad tbf.

My Dad has given some real evil glares in his time.

It is beyond odd that anyone would leer at someone's clear daughter though whether 10 or 30 - it seems so smug.

Original poster
crispandcheesesandwichplease · 09/04/2017 17:02

Shoes I guess that was partly my point, not only do men leer at children but they do it brazenly even in front of parents, even when it's clear that the parent can see what they are up to. You'd hope it would deter them but apparently not.

And yes to those of you who thought I might be misunderstanding the man, there is a world of difference between a quick glance at someone and a leer. It was the open leering in the first place that drew my attention to him. Wouldn't have batted an eyelid at him otherwise.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 09/04/2017 17:04

Of course you are victim blaming OP.

No, she is explaining that her DD was not dressed in a way that would make her look older than she is. I can't believe anyone is so keen to look for offence that they can't understand that.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 09/04/2017 17:05

OP, you challenged him just by staring at him. Your Paddington hard stare says "I know what you're doing" - and that's why he stuck 2 fingers up at you

This^^

If it was innocent looking over here, looking over there, oh there's a tree, there's a girl, there's a duck then he'd probably be embarrassed that he though you thought he was perving and not dared look again. Flicking the V's was definitely him being pissed off you spoil his perving session.

I feel sorry for the mother of their DC who has to have a creep for a partner like that - let's just hope it was an eow visit...

SoupDragon · 09/04/2017 17:06

This kind of thing makes me worried for my DD. She is 11 and already taller than a good few of my friends and so is likely to look older than she is when she gets to the point of wearing make up. She already does look older when she puts her hair up in a bun in the top of her head - I'm surprised how much difference a hairstyle makes.

Original poster
crispandcheesesandwichplease · 09/04/2017 17:06

Thank you soupdragon and the rest of you who have challenged the apparent willfull misunderstanding of my wording.

OP posts:
Love51 · 09/04/2017 17:06

This happened to me from upper primary.
I was quite tall, but it sometimes continued after they saw my face.
The fact that street harassment happens when you are in joggers or whatever is part of what makes it so horrid. Rightly or wrongly, I expect to be leered at in a club. Walking the dog, picking up a prescription,or heading for a run, less so. I don't get leered at with my small kids, but it's an extreme way to prevent it!

TheStoic · 09/04/2017 17:13

Did someone actually suggest he might have had...a lazy eye??

QueenLaBeefah · 09/04/2017 17:14

I believe you.

I'm middle aged now but between the ages of 11-17yrs it was extremely difficult to leave the house on my own.

White can men following me, car drivers shouting obscenities at me, men making helpful suggestions etc. All pretty much disgusting.

chitofftheshovel · 09/04/2017 17:14

enthusiasm really? I am not trying to justify any wrong doing, Certainly I am not a man protector. obviously. But trying to point out some alternatives to the immediate he's weird posts.

RachelRagged · 09/04/2017 17:15

Now I come to think of it I remember being probably 15 or so and at a party . My 13 year old busty friend also attended .

Lots of railway men there (the party was at a house of a local railway porter so had invited his friends from work ,all adults). The leering and comments toward my friend and myself , at that time we laughed off to be honest , but they were not on .. looking back .
Mentioned busty friend as a lot of comments were directed toward them by men old enough to know better

ModreB · 09/04/2017 17:16

I remember my DM once, when I was 14 and walking ahead of her. I looked a young 14 aswell. A man coming in the opposite direction pinched my bum, she ran after him and smacked him round the head shouting "pervert, she's still a child."

I'm 50 now, and it's so sad that we don't seem to have moved on.

Original poster
crispandcheesesandwichplease · 09/04/2017 17:16

Yes stoic they did. It must be very hard for all these men with bits of their bodies they can't control, all very innocent apparently and bad people like me deliberately misconstrue them!

OP posts:
RachelRagged · 09/04/2017 17:16

We were at the party as the birthday boy (man) was a relative of said friend .

TheStoic · 09/04/2017 17:19

Crikey. You'd almost laugh if it wasn't so sad.

Perhaps he had also lost control of his two fingers, the poor guy.