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Original poster

my 12 year old DD and unwanted male attention

452 replies

crispandcheesesandwichplease · 09/04/2017 14:51

I've posted before about my DD getting unwanted attention form adult men. She's 12, she's developing but doesn't wear make up or skimpy clothes. She doesn't look particularly older than she is.

Today we're down by the riverside having a picnic. She's wearing jeans and a t-shirt. We were sat reading and other people are around. A bloke, in his 40's I'd say, and 2 younger kids come and sit near us. The bloke immediately starts leering at my daughter. He sees me watching him look at her, I give him the Paddington bear hard stare. The kids he is with are messing about by the water and he's sorting them out with sun cream etc. He keeps looking over at my DD then at me, he knows I'm watching him.

After about 20 mins or so they gather their stuff to leave, he still keeps glancing at my daughter then at me. DD is oblivious to this, lost in her book. As they walk off I continue watching him, and he keeps turning round to look at my DD. Then, just before they disappear round the corner he turns to me and sticks his two fingers up at me!

Part of me was amused at his cheek but another part of me was furious. He was clearly letching at her and knew I'd clocked it, then he does that! What goes on in some men's head ffs???

OP posts:
EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 09/04/2017 20:28

Then evolution seems to have bypassed the majority of men

As the majority do not leer at young girls

But far too many do but hey apparently they can't help it Hmm

TrollMummy · 09/04/2017 20:29

I recently had a chat with my DD about the fact that there are creeps out there that may think she is older than she is or who might just be sickos that like young girls. She uses public transport quite a bit and would be blissfully unaware of any attention due to her face being permanently in her phone. I didn't want to sacre but just make her more self aware and careful where she sits on trains and buses when travelling.

Cartright · 09/04/2017 20:29

The first time someone made a sexual comment to me I was nine. Nine FFS. I was so shocked. And I didn't really understand what they said. But I could tell from the context that it wasn't right.

From eleven to about fifteen, there was a lot of leering and men making comments in the streets but it seemed to get less. Perhaps as I got older I looked less vulnerable.

TisapityshesaGeordie · 09/04/2017 20:29

OpalDiamond, what utter rubbish.

These men are perfectly capable of not leering at children, yet chose to do so anyway. Perhaps, when it happens to my DD, I would be perfectly justified in ripping off the perpetrator's balls and shoving them down his throat. Mother's instinct, after all. Perfectly normal protective instinct. Can't be expected to control my biology....

Original poster
crispandcheesesandwichplease · 09/04/2017 20:33

Yeah yeah Tisapity, it's all about biological determinism and I applaud you for extending opal's argument to women's instinct!

OP posts:
MissJC · 09/04/2017 20:34

When I was 13 walking through Manchester Airport, one of the baggage handlers whistled at me as I walked past and nudged his friend with a head point in my direction. Unbeknown to said baggage handler my DF was walking a few steps behind me who saw the entire thing. DF had a few choice words to say to him and was a hairs breadth from throwing the letchy twunt through a shop window.

SoupDragon · 09/04/2017 20:35

This is all down to biology, something we have no control over

Utter bollocks.

TheDogsEatingCaptainAmerica · 09/04/2017 20:36

I believe you OP. I 'developed' quite early, and had this from the age of 11. But even with boobs it would have been obvious to anyone that I was a child. Good on you for staring him out. i wish I'd had a mum like you ready to stare down all the creeps that made me uncomfortable. I worry for my (as yet imaginary) future daughter.

outputgap · 09/04/2017 20:45

Oh this is so depressing. From 11 to about 16 I was harassed, followed, attacked, kerb crawled at and flashed at at a frequency that I have never experienced at any other time in my life. As were my friends. I had hoped this was better. Fuck. So depressing.

Luckily enough I was double hard and an avid reader of feminist books and ran after cars with bricks, swore, stamped and flicked the v, but honest to fuck, why is this still a thing?

TisapityshesaGeordie · 09/04/2017 20:51

It starts so young too. My DD came home from nursery complaining that one of the little boys wouldn't stop touching her bottom. When I raised it with the teacher, I was told "oh he's just very affectionate..." Angry

I am working hard with both my DD and DS to get them to understand personal boundaries and not touching when told not to; yet girls and women of all ages are expected to put up with this nonsense, or told it doesn't even exist.

Paninotogo · 10/04/2017 00:58

She is explaining that her DD was not dressed in a way that would make her look older than she is So it is ok for men to leer at older females? Or girls that are dressed skimpily? Or wearing make up? If the OP meant nothing by the comment, why say it?

Fauchelevent · 10/04/2017 01:24

Why are people being so obtuse. I'm almost certain the OP pointed out what her child was wearing to emphasise the fact this is a child he was leering at - so posters wouldn't say "maybe she looked like an adult". Not because it is okay to letch over adults but rather highlighting the fact there are men who don't care they are letching over kids.

I believe you. I remember my mum having to stare down letchy men from i turned eight or nine. At that age I dressed like a kid and carried a doll or a gameboy, but they didn't care because I had tits. At eleven I distinctly remember an older man chatting me up at the bar on holiday, and when my mum realised his intentions, pointing out that i'm eleven. In thst case I was dressed older - but still very childish (think tammy girl)

porterwine · 10/04/2017 01:28

I was on the train a few days ago. 2 girls sitting near me in school uniform, couldn't tell you the exact age but I'd guess 14-16. Two men (50+) came on and sat opposite them, starring at their legs, one trying to make eye contact the whole time. It was obvious the girls felt extremely uncomfortable and I was moments from saying something when they got up themselves and moved away. As they walked off one of the guys said "I would" to which the other responded "hah get in line mate."

Needless to say I wasn't able to hold my tongue any longer. You know when you're so annoyed you just say stuff and then can't even remember exactly what was said?

I'm honestly just so sick of how this kind of behaviour has been completely normalised. I won't go into a huge feminist rant but I genuinely don't even know how to handle these creeps. Whistling, leers, "smile love!", car honks, its something women and girls are unfortunately just "used to" and it's so freakin' sad.

TrollMummy · 10/04/2017 07:40

The scary thing is, the man in the OPs post is with his own kids while leering at her daughter. How many men that do this are fathers themselves? I suspect quite a few are. That's what creeps me out most of all.

porterwine · 10/04/2017 07:45

TrollMummmy exactly. Paedophiles don't wear a big sign up their head with flashing lights. It could very literally be anyone. I watched a film on Netflix a while ago called Trust about online grooming. Young girl who thought she was chatting to a teenage boy, turned out to be a grown man. The ending is of him walking in the park with his wife and 2 young kids, discussing work with a colleague he had bumped into. Complete "average Joe." I am not the type to live in constant suspicion and fear of people but I can't help but look around sometimes and wonder.

aniceglassofchianti · 10/04/2017 07:47

maybe he was just glancing over, then looked at you. A smile may have worked as he had kids,perhaps looking to start conversation

DameDeDoubtance · 10/04/2017 08:54

Oh yes, women need to smile, that's solve it.

DameDeDoubtance · 10/04/2017 08:59

When women discuss this we are often told it's a complement, you imagined it, smile more and stop being silly, it's just men dear it's what they do. What we are, unfortunately, rarely told is that it is completely inappropriate and men need to stop doing this. If the message from society was to tell men to stop doing this, girls and women are people, not things, then men would barely do it as it would be frowned on.

Daringdaschund · 10/04/2017 09:18

Aniceglassofchianti when you have a teenage daughter, very sadly, you learn to distinguish between a smile and a leer quite quickly.

I'm the first to return smiles and friendly overtones (or even initiate them) and I don't happen to think there is a paedophile hiding behind every lamp post, but without being too graphic, when you see a man's eyes exploring your daughter's anatomy, funnily enough you don't exactly feel like engaging in pleasantries.

MooCahnt · 10/04/2017 09:28

I remember being chatted up at age 12. I was well developed. Horrendous looking back especially as I have a 9 year old who is already well developed. I was assaulted at 13. It is down to evolution but men should be socialised enough to leave kids out of their leery behaviour. I will go full lioness if someone even so much as over glances at my child.

TheElephantofSurprise · 10/04/2017 09:34

This is why I wear hijab
A good point!

But, I read an interview with young men from Taliban-led Afghanistan. All the women wore burqas. The young men told of how they waited for the breeze to blow the fabric against the women's bodies so they could see their figures... they were still trying, even under those circumstances!

MrsWhiteWash · 10/04/2017 09:41

When women discuss this we are often told it's a complement, you imagined it, smile more and stop being silly,

Pretty much what I've always been told.

I was aware from 11 on-wards - had size C breast so was well developed but obviously still a child. I have an 11 year old now - thankfully not as advanced development wise but I worry about this happening to her.

Thing is I can't ever remember discussing it with any male - family or otherwise so all the comments dismissing it have been from other females.

MrsWhiteWash · 10/04/2017 09:43

maybe he was just glancing over, then looked at you.

That the other main comment - you didn't really see what you saw.

Peanutbuttercheese · 10/04/2017 09:56

I remember when I was around 12 a guy who would have been in his twenties saying to me I bet you want it. I was waiting for my friend outside her house, I had absolutely no idea what he meant at the time but I didn't like it.

It must have been horrible for you op.

Men that behave like this are paedophiles really aren't they but they would deny it. Porterwines story of the schoolgirls on the train just about sums it up for me. I rememebr being whistled at while out in my school sports kit a number of times as I was a cross country runner.

Men like these are a special type of scum.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 10/04/2017 10:10

Of course we need to smile more silly me getting angry at men who can't help themselves

I remember the hassle the looks the comments the standing too close I am so pleased we are mostly encouraging young girls and to be more outspoken sadly I was bought up to ignore and not cause a fuss