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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why is it (nearly) always the woman who's ready for marriage first...

92 replies

coconuttella · 08/04/2017 17:44

... and waiting for months or years for their man to feel the same way too, eagerly and excitedly agreeing to the proposal when it eventually comes?

PS this isn't related to me at all... been married for 14 years. Just perplexed by it.

OP posts:
TinyBarista · 08/04/2017 17:46

But this could be applied to the whole wedding, really. I don't know many grooms who go mad for the whole event planning process. Or watch Say Yes to the Suit!
I guess for some brides it's about the wedding day itself? And all that means, rather than the marriage and til death do us part bit.

OdinsLoveChild · 08/04/2017 17:48

Isn't it to do with women only having a certain amount of time to reproduce so they mature quicker and look to settle down earlier than men?

PinkHeart59156816 · 08/04/2017 17:49

What are you basing this on?

Marriage is like having a baby, sometimes couples aren't ready at the same time and I see no long with waiting if your with the right person.

DH proposed to me completely out of the blue, I have never really even thought about marriage and I certainly wasn't waiting around hoping he'd ask or be ready for marriage.

OlennasWimple · 08/04/2017 17:50

Because girls get told from an early age that marriage (and a wedding) is a really important part of being a grown up. I don't think many boys role-play weddings in the playground

Because few women propose to their partner, so don't quite have the same weight of decision-making to do about whether it is the "right time"

Trifleorbust · 08/04/2017 17:51

Women reach their physical and reproductive peak earlier.

Splinters6 · 08/04/2017 17:53

I never considered marriage until after 30. I never ever imagined my wedding day or my dress or my husband when I was younger. I find that whole thing weird. But then I never gave any thought to children or children's names until I was pg in my mid 30s either.

Splinters6 · 08/04/2017 17:55

Because girls get told from an early age that marriage (and a wedding) is a really important part of being a grown up. I don't think many boys role-play weddings in the playground

I hope my daughter never feels this way; I certainly didn't.

SparkleTwinkleShinyGlitter · 08/04/2017 17:57

My proposal from dh was a complete surprise, I'd had little thoughts on marriage at that time I was very much job focused! So dh was clearly thinking of marriage a long time before me

I also didn't get overly excited about planning the wedding, dh on the other hand loved all the organising.

I've many friends that haven't sat sobbing in the corner becuase there dp hasn't proposed, they have taken the bull by the horns and asked him because women can do that these days! No women has to wait for a proposal they can ask too

I think marriage is a huge thing and it's ok for someone not to feel ready, I mean you are committing the rest of your life to that person so like i said it's a huge thing.

SillySausage34 · 08/04/2017 18:05

I've always wondered this too.

I met my husband when I was 17, it took a further 17 years before we got married. It didn't take 17 years of begging. I simply knew it didn't want to marry a man unless he wanted to marry me and that's how long it took.
However, id have married him the second id met him all those years ago Grin

Trills · 08/04/2017 18:07

I think this is a bias in the visibility rather than women always being "ready" first.

It is expected that the man should do the proposing.

So a woman who wants to be married first may just "wait", and may speak to her friends about waiting.

A man who wants to be married first will propose, resulting in one of three outcomes, all of which
a - the woman says "not yet", they quietly carry on their relationship, you never hear about it
b - they split up, you probably don't hear why
c - the woman thinks that she has to say yes in order to keep him, says yes, you don't find out that she was not quite ready

In all of those cases, the man was "ready for marriage first", but you hear nothing about it.

Valentine2 · 08/04/2017 18:09

I think we still have a long way to go in terms of how society conditions young girls and women towards gender specific roles like motherhood versus their own ambitions and life goals.
FWIW, I happen to know women who have never felt pushed into this kind of scenario, single or committed.

DJBaggySmalls · 08/04/2017 18:10

I dont think it is for the reasons Trills gave.

OlennasWimple · 08/04/2017 18:14

Splinters6 - I agree. And I didn't say that I felt like that, but I do think that many many girls do

Dowser · 08/04/2017 18:15

My exh was mad keen to marry me at 19.
He asked me 5 times in all.
Maybe my reluctance was what made him so keen.
We married 10 days before before his 21st and then he had the nerve years later to say he got married too young.

Hmmm whose fault was that then ?

Idiot!

Trills · 08/04/2017 18:43

DJ you don't think that there is a difference in the visibility of "woman wants to be married, man is less sure" compared to the visibility of "man wants to be married, woman is less sure"?

Trills · 08/04/2017 18:43

I don't think it's wholly down to the visibility issue, but I think it plays a part.

Electrolens · 08/04/2017 18:47

Why do you think that op?

TheStoic · 08/04/2017 18:48

It does certainly seem to be that way.

Ironic, really - seeing how marriage is much better for men than for women.

UppityHumpty · 08/04/2017 18:48

I suppose it really depends why you're with someone & whether you clarified your expectations about the relationship at the beginning. I always did. And had proposals after a year for most of my prev relationships because the men I dated wanted that too (those relationships broke for other reasons).

MyOtherNameIsTaken · 08/04/2017 19:04

Well having been with my partner for 10 years and with him regularly bringing up the subject of us marrying once xy and z had happened; xy and z has happened a while back so I brought up the subject myself, as a discussion - not a proposal!

He's now sulking as he feels pressured

I'm wondering where the man child in the front room has suddenly come from and feel totally fucked off with him. Angry

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/04/2017 19:06

I'm just reading Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie on this and she reckons that women are taught to see marriage as an achievement and men aren't. I think that's on the money. It's almost seen as a failure for men, "tied down" "ball and chain".

Original poster
coconuttella · 08/04/2017 19:34

I think this is a bias in the visibility rather than women

Perhaps it is.... it's just that hearing women moan about how long it took their man to propose, giving ultimatums, and getting upset that he'll never ask seem to be so very, very common.

OP posts:
VestalVirgin · 08/04/2017 19:37

Ironic, really - seeing how marriage is much better for men than for women.

Well, yes, but that's why women have to be - and are - groomed to consider it an achievement.

I wonder to what extent men intentionally pretend to dislike marriage in an attempt to use reverse psychology, making women think it is good for women to marry.

Though probably it is just that they would like to get women pregnant - which is a much more effective ball and chain on women's legs than marriage - without the woman having the rights of a wife.

No man ever pretended to dislike PiV, after all.

Original poster
coconuttella · 08/04/2017 19:38

I'm not saying that it's true in every case... it's not.... but to deny it's a common theme in relationships is to be deliberately deaf/blind.

OP posts:
xStefx · 08/04/2017 19:57

Dp wanted kids first ( as soon as we got together) but I wanted marriage first. Sometimes I think woman are more romantic and emotional than men but not in all cases. But funnily enough all the couples I know the woman wanted it first