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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is disrespectful and lazy

347 replies

Lakegeneva40 · 08/04/2017 14:31

So background. I am a Sah to 3 DC. Dh works long hours and earns a good salary which I guess enables me to Sah and improve my education.
We had booked a weeks holiday but dh aS unable to get the full week off. So rather than the kids miss out I drove down on the Saturday and dh followed Monday night.
The night before I left. The kitchen was immaculate as no one wants to return home to a dirty kitchen.
So this morning dh took kids off to a theme park before driving home.
I finished off the packing and cleaning etc and drove straight home to make a start on the laundry etc. (Watch casualty)
When I arrived I found a dirty frying pan and utensils left on the side.
Aibu to lose my rag when he returns. It's lazy and disgusting right.

OP posts:
Thisisnotreallymyname · 09/04/2017 18:34

It would make me cross - and I would comment on it , but not worth a huge row about it x

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 09/04/2017 18:35

If it's just a matter of putting it in the dishwasher do that. You don't know how he felt and how tired he was after working or maybe he's used to you doing it and forgot. Seriously don't think it's worth losing your rag over. We all like clean kitchens and a lot of men don't get that, but it's not like he made a huge mess.

sophe · 09/04/2017 18:37

Anger displacement therapy, eh? You do not feel valued as a SAH, and that is because you are not. Decide whether the path of the hearth is really for you, and if not, go now. Make a new life, one where you can have as immaculate a kitchen as you choose (and can afford). Or suddenly reappreciate what you do get out of living off another person's earnings and be grateful for it, truly, without rancour. And then go off and happily scrub the floors. (and wash up those annoying pans).

ApplePaltrow21 · 09/04/2017 18:38

stop being a martyr and stop being passive aggressive.

if you don't want to be his skivvy, stop cleaning up after him. if you do, do.

dragonflygirl1 · 09/04/2017 18:46

That happens every day 3x over with our 3 teenagers! I go to work for 11 hours leaving a clean kitchen and return home to a bomb site! If the children are at home I call them down to clear up their things, but mostly it is whoever is not there that made the most mess. Then I end up clearing up other stuff before I can cook dinner and it drives me mad. I would be relieved if it's only a pan and a few utensils! Maybe he was just in a rush to get to you and the children.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 09/04/2017 18:48

Most posters on this thread cannot conceive of an event happening within the context of a life.

It's only petty if it's a one-off.

He sounds annoying, OP. But I hope you're not reading the thread any more because it's got a bit boring and repetitive! Grin

ataraxia · 09/04/2017 18:54

If it were just the pan and a few utensils I wouldn't really see that as a particular problem, much less disrespectful. However, it seems that's just the thin end of the wedge. OP, it seems that you are afraid that after doing all the work to get the qualification, you will not be able to make use of it fully because DH's needs take over.

It sounds like he's told you that you will have to fit around his hours rather than both adjust, he has the biggest room in the house, and he took the kids to an activity they'd only just done (was that because he wanted to go to the theme park, rather than kids wanting to go twice?).

It also seems that he does get his way, so it's a strategy that's working pretty well for him so far. His hours are long but not ridiculously so. Most of the 'extra' hours being in the morning - yet he's too tired to bathe and interact with his kids at night (it's a bit sad that he want to do those things, IMO). Yet he does seem to have time for his collecting and games and other things in his 'man cave'.

It really seems to me that this isn't about a pan at all, it's how you feel that your life and the kids lives have to fit around him. It sounds like you feel he's been holding his earning power over you for years Well, isn't that one of the benefits of you getting the qualification then the job? Someone is going to pay you for your time and skills so he will have to take some responsibility (other than monetary) for the kids you had together.

He's been used to having someone else to free him up to do exactly what he wants in the workplace and at home, now he'll have to change to take a more active role - depending on how much you're going to insist that you're not defacto unpaid home help on top of your other responsibilities, i.e. it's what you both should share (and want to do) together.

WizardOfToss · 09/04/2017 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary · 09/04/2017 19:09

YABU and ridiculous. Be careful your DH doesn't take his good salary elsewhere as it doesn't sound as if you are very aware of how lucky you are. What a miserable life he must lead being nagged for the least little thing. A man doing this would be called abusive.

Bobbi73 · 09/04/2017 19:43

I usually say something politely like. If you use a pan do you think you could pop it on the dishwasher so it doesn't get stinky. Love you.
Mine normally responds well to that whereas if I got cross, we'd have a big row and he'd probably dig his heels in. Really not worth a fight over a pan. It is annoying though 🙂

MrGrumpy01 · 09/04/2017 19:56

I'm the f/t worker and my dh is the sahp. I regularly grumble about the wrong balance of housework but if I had done the same as in the op it would make me a bit of a twat. Me going to work doesn't mean I get a free pass on everything in the house.

Writermom22 · 09/04/2017 19:57

This would annoy me too, op. The guy's in the house alone, and knows it's going to be empty for a week because the usual clearer upper is on holiday with the kids waiting for his arrival. He should be old enough to wash up one pan, plate, glass, spoon, spatula, fork that he used for his own food.

mathanxiety · 09/04/2017 20:01

Have you also noticed the bit that by taking the kids he avoided having to help clean holiday home

Ah now come on - he can't win for losing here.

As for the rest of it - open a window, clean the pan, examine why you keep a mental ledger, what is making you unhappy. It's not a one off, but what is at the bottom of all this?

Gwenhwyfar · 09/04/2017 20:02

"The house is your place of work so to treat it in this way is to disrespect your job."

Ha ha. So all my colleagues are disrespecting me then?

nannybeach · 09/04/2017 20:02

I used to work nights 12.5 hours plus 3 hour commute, would always leave place spotless come home to washing up stuff all over worktops I was very upset, I must admit I dont feel so bad now I have retired and he still works, though, but I did feel he was being really unfair because I was doing my share.

mathanxiety · 09/04/2017 20:05

I somehow lost this bit from my post -
It sounds as if you are being taken for granted, feeling like a mug, and being edged out, physically, from your own home by his preoccupation.

EverdeRose · 09/04/2017 20:12

I don't think it's an over reaction at all.

YANBU he knew he was going on holiday for a week. How much effort would it have taken him to put a pan and a few utensils in the dishwasher and set it off never mind how many hours he works or what his wage is.

I'd probably try to say something casual about it in the hope that my DH would not do it again, but he'd consider it petty and it'd cause a huge row.

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 09/04/2017 20:18

Vivienne: YABU and ridiculous. Be careful your DH doesn't take his good salary elsewhere as it doesn't sound as if you are very aware of how lucky you are.

In my house I earn the good salary and OH is the SAHP. You know what? Because I work 40ish hours per week and bring in a handsome paycheck, that doesn't authorise me to lord it about the place, expecting to be picked up and carried after by him. I get those forty hours a week off as far as I'm concerned. From the minute he wakes till bedtime, seven days a week, he doesn't get time off, though we share parenting when I get home. How much would it cost me to get someone to replace him - watch my child five full-time days plus evenings and weekends, teach him, cook all our meals, do all the driving, get up in the night since I'm now too heavily pregnant to get our DS out of bed, etc.? A fortune. I cannot put a monetary price on what he does because to me it's invaluable.

No one gets the right to a free pass in a house just for earning a paycheck. That's one of the easiest jobs you can get away with. If being the SAHP was such a winner with so many benefits then men would have been doing it for centuries.

GinAndTunic · 09/04/2017 20:25

YABU, OP.

Katie0705 · 09/04/2017 20:48

Why ruin the lovely week away you have had? Chill out and just take it in your stride, its really not worth the fuss.

DistanceCall · 09/04/2017 20:53

earns a good salary which I guess enables me to Sah and improve my education.

You guess? It DOES enable you to stay at home and study.

And yes, you are kicking up a fuss over nothing. It's not "lazy and disgusting", it's annoying. But losing your rag over that is ridiculous.

havingabadhairday · 09/04/2017 20:55

Or suddenly reappreciate what you do get out of living off another person's earnings and be grateful for it

Perhaps at the same time her dh could reappreciate everything she does for him? It's not one way, he benefits as well.

Chavelita · 09/04/2017 20:59

A lot of surrendered wives on this thread, apparently. OP, either this marriage or being a SAHM or both are really not working for you. He sounds like a poor co-parent and a lazy, unappreciative husband. Get yourself back in the workforce asap, and see if you want to keep the marriage then.

lljkk · 09/04/2017 21:03

It's indicative of OP feeling unsupported, isn't it? Has lost the feeling of her & her DH being a team.

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