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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is disrespectful and lazy

347 replies

Lakegeneva40 · 08/04/2017 14:31

So background. I am a Sah to 3 DC. Dh works long hours and earns a good salary which I guess enables me to Sah and improve my education.
We had booked a weeks holiday but dh aS unable to get the full week off. So rather than the kids miss out I drove down on the Saturday and dh followed Monday night.
The night before I left. The kitchen was immaculate as no one wants to return home to a dirty kitchen.
So this morning dh took kids off to a theme park before driving home.
I finished off the packing and cleaning etc and drove straight home to make a start on the laundry etc. (Watch casualty)
When I arrived I found a dirty frying pan and utensils left on the side.
Aibu to lose my rag when he returns. It's lazy and disgusting right.

OP posts:
alltoomuchrightnow · 08/04/2017 23:16

Lake, I do then sympathise.
We would have space if he wasn't a hoarder as in theory would have three bedrooms (there's only me and him)
We have two rooms we can't use at all. One we cant even get into. (He's lived here a long time.. I only moved in a few years ago)
He's getting a load of inheritance money and wants to do the house up in order to sell it would be easier to bulldoze it down and start again
Which would be all well and good if he could actually part with stuff, but we can't work AROUND stuff. :(

Ineedacupofteadesperately · 09/04/2017 07:58

*Stop thinking about how his career has enabled you to sah to help your joint children and start thinking about how your sah has enabled him to develop a career and financial security that is currently denied to you. Be angry about that, not about a pan on the side. Boomboomscousin is right, and I suspect that's really why the OP is upset - it's not the pan it's what that represents. Why is it we always think of the sah parent as the lucky one? And why is it assumed sahm should be a 24/7 job by so many partners (mine for one)? Just waking up to this myself. I sah and have moved several times in the last 5 years for his job - moves that we couldn't have done if I'd kept my career. His pay has gone up 20k, has a better job, shorter commute, better conditions, more prestigious job title. Plus he has the pleasure of 2 dc without having to do much (any) of the work. Why do some DHs with sah partners think it's ok to revert to childhood and not pick up after themselves / clean up their own pans (which they'd have to do if single even if working in the exact same job)?

Inertia · 09/04/2017 09:14

I really do think you've had an unecessarily hard time on here OP. Since it's that easy to just stick the pan in the dishwasher, why the heck couldn't the husband have done that himself? He used it on the Saturday and was in all weekend, so no fire risk.

It's all part of the bigger picture of him expecting you to act as his skivvy by the sounds of it. Yes, he works - he wasn't working at the weekend though.

mummytobemaybe · 09/04/2017 17:16

Honestly in my opinion seeing as he works and you chose not to it is your job to clear up as long as he doesn't make too much mess and you are just being unreasonable be grateful you have someone to pay for you to live

GreekGod · 09/04/2017 17:25

YABU - "Dh works long hours and earns a good salary which I guess enables me to Sah and improve my education"

No, your husband is not lazy and disgusting for leaving a dirty frying pan and utensils on the side.

cheval · 09/04/2017 17:30

Wait til you have to live with teenagers....

Payitforward55 · 09/04/2017 17:34

It's only treating you as a skivvy if you skivvy. Ignore the pan and leave it for him to clean. I would and did.

This! Just point out calmly he needs do his dishes

Roversandrhodes · 09/04/2017 17:34

My god ,please tell me you're not serious .Poor bloke!

SherbrookeFosterer · 09/04/2017 17:37

Cum on. In your own words he works long hours and didn't even get a full holiday!

Cook him his favourite tonight.

MummyMuppet2x2 · 09/04/2017 17:37

It is irritating i agree, but is a small matter. Best to let this one slide I say.

WomanStanley · 09/04/2017 17:38

If there's an assumption you'll clean it up, you've created the problem.
If there's no assumption you'll clean it up, leave it and watch casualty.

Lovelymess · 09/04/2017 17:43

Yes it's annoying to come home to mess but if that's all it is then get a grip lol

ProtectandSurvive · 09/04/2017 17:49

Good grief. He finishes a day at work, sorts himself out for the holiday. And forgets the pan and a couple of utensils. Forget about it. If a man lost his rag with a woman over a dirty pan....that would be unreasonable, no?

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 09/04/2017 17:49

Depends how often it happens. I spent some time training (yes, I will use that word) my OH. If he put stuff next to the dishwasher, I'd walk him back in the room and make him put it in. If stuff was on the stairs to be taken up the next time someone went up and he walked past it, I'd make him walk down and go get something and take it up. If he left his shoes by the door rather than in the rack, I'd tell him to go pick them up and put them away. And so on. It was infuriating, like house-training a Labrador, but not as infuriating as playing the martyr, and ultimately it had the effect of showing him just how many little things he did, every single day, that were not acceptable.

In fact he's recently turned the tables and caught me leaving coffee cups about the place and makes me take them into the kitchen too. (Only fair to confess, I suppose. Good god I have created a monster.)

Anyway, point being, if he's doing it a lot I get it and you have to proactively fix it. If it's a one-off, I'd mention it, or maybe not even that, and move on.

Michellelovesizzy · 09/04/2017 17:52

This shit is annoying it annoys me all the time I tidy up my partner makes a mess! I am also a sah mum. He also works long hours and is a good provider and generally a good partner really! But dose not lift a finger at home and it causes fights between us 2!! Think people might be being a bit hard on u on here I understand what ur saying! But if this is all u and ur partner hAve to argu about then that's not to bad at all is it! It's hard be in a relationship sometime but don't read to much into as defo don't think there is any thing wrong with you!

Janeofalltrades1 · 09/04/2017 17:53

I understand where you're coming from. I would've been pretty upset but will get over it as it is not a lot. I do know that the more you give in and clean it, the more the rest are dependent on you to clean up after them. All they have to do is leave it next to sink and it'll magically be clean and back in the cupboard (magic being you doing all the work)

falange · 09/04/2017 17:54

YABVU. He works long hours and earns enough so you don't have to work and you're angry because he's left some stuff out?? Get a grip and count your blessings. You're very lucky.

ZenasSuitcases · 09/04/2017 17:56

People have different standards about things, it's not ideal but I think I'd leave it. It sounds like a waste of your energy

Michellelovesizzy · 09/04/2017 18:01

Falange

Being a sah mum is full time job seven days a week I don't think this woman needs to be counting her blessing she brings up there children full time more than pulls her weight!

ExpatTrailingSpouse · 09/04/2017 18:01

not focusing on the larger issues you're facing, just on the frying pan and utensils itself.

i'm not quite sure why everyone is saying they'd be okay with a dirty frying pan (assuming with grease and used to cook the steak) on the kitchen counter for about a week? Pretty sure that would start growing things after a couple of days... and yes, the lovely rotting cooked meat smell that accompanies it. especially as he managed to put his dinner plate in the dishwasher.

do people really go on holiday for a week (or 6 days if we're being picky), and leaves dirty dishes in the kitchen? or leaves the rubbish full to stink up the house while you're gone too?

AlexRose5 · 09/04/2017 18:04

Instead of losing your head about it just pile them on one side and tell him calmly it's been left there so he can clear it up .
I'm not with any of the posters who are saying AYBU because I know what it's like to feel like the hired help... its demeaning .
However it doesn't warrant all our war . Keep leaving any extra mess he makes aside for him . He will soon get tired of the build up and hopefully take the hint to clean as he goes .

AlexRose5 · 09/04/2017 18:04

*out

MMM3 · 09/04/2017 18:28

Just out of curiosity, does the smell of grease remind you of anything terrible?

I ask because you mentioned the grease and smell WAY more than even the glass in the other room (which would be the more inconvenient thing). Personally, I lose it over a greasy smelling kitchen, and especially the grease being left out to continue stinking, but that's because of terrible childhood associations with a mean relative who fried things often. And grease is a VERY distinct, lingering smell. Could something like that be going on? Admittedly a long shot, but smell does tie right into the limbic system.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 09/04/2017 18:32

Michellelovesizzy, every parent does it full time unless they have split custody. The OP is lucky as she gets the luxury of being home all day every day with no pressures of work. Millions of parents have to do both, the home stuff and job. Being at home is easy compared to the other so it is a luxury that her DH has to work hard for.

She's not enabling his career, he goes to work and does the job. If she worked too, they would use childcare so he'd still be able to do his job. You don't see women saying they can only do their job because they have a partner!

Strygil · 09/04/2017 18:33

Grow up.