It just took DH 15minutes.....

[manasaw]

To get 2 pillows and 4 cans of cider out of the caravan on the drive. He thinks this is normal.

AIBU to think it's not?

I had an ex who was an epic faffer.
After a few months of "arrive at place, I get out of car, wait beside car like an idiot for 10 minutes while he faffs" I started not getting out of the car until he got out. He was not happy about that. I think seeing me watching him and waiting meant he couldnt pretend that "putting satnav away and checking for wallet" took 10 seconds rather than for-bloody-ever.

This was actually the only way I found of getting things done, I'd do my bit and then go and find him again to "see if I can help because we need to go".

Tigermoll good post. I agree, I don't think it's deliberate, but it does work for them especially if the rest of us keep flexing around their habits.

There's a lot of crossover here by the way between faffing and plain not pulling weight. My ex was a huge faffer in the matter of leaving the house (some part of his brain thought that finding his shoes, wallet, bag and coat and cleaning his teeth was an instantaneous task, so that if we had decided to leave at 10am he would stop his previous task and start getting ready to leave at 10am. Aaaaargh!)

BUT he still did a fair share of household tasks, so it's not the case that faffers "can't help" not contributing.

I agree Lila my DH pulls his weight around the house, easily the same as me if not more. But my god does he faff. He only gets stuff done because he builds in nearly 3 whole hours for morning faffing when he has to iron one shirt and make lunches. 3 hours. Seriously. I am not swooping in to rescue him by making lunches at night, if he wants to get up at 5am and be a faffy weirdo I don't even need to know, I'm asleep. Like a normal person.

@Littlegreyauditor
He is an epic faffer which, coupled with his idea that everything takes ten minutes, or is ten minutes drive away, even the city of Cork

Must be your DH and his species I kept meeting in London when I moved there and kept asking directions. Now I warn every visitor to England not to trust anyone that says it's a 10 min walk that way. Never is and their poor feet! I thought it was a polite Brit thing as in 'I dont really know but have to give you an answer'. Now I know it's part of the faffing spectrum

Deejoda yes this is a strange one!

I recently overheard someone being confidently told on the train that Crystal Palace was "five minutes walk" from the station where we were about to pull in. It's a mile away up a steep hill. I said "it's a bit more than that..." and the bloke again confidently shook his head and assured the woman asking "Nah, it's five minutes!" He clearly was a local and was completely convinced he was correct and I was wrong.

I had to catch up with her after we got off the train and in a low voice assure her it really was a mile up a steep hill, and there was a bus stop!

This thread is my spiritual home. My DH is a faffer extraordinaire. King Faff of Faffland.

I have long argued that the only reason we ever get anywhere on time is because I'm there to make that happen. He thinks that if I wasn't around he would just have to get it done.

So the other day, I didn't remind him/harrass him/shepherd him out of the door for a lunch with his family. We had to be there at 1, it's a 50 minute drive. At 12.45 I could bear it no longer and went into the kitchen, and said 'what time is that lunch?' and he looked up from the sink, where he was washing the shelves from the fridge, and said 'we need to leave soon'. I asked him what time it was, he knew the time...we looked at each other for a while and then a dawning look of panic crossed his face.

We were 40 minutes late for lunch. I don't think it will change his faffing but at least now he will concede that if I wasn't around, he would probably be late for everything.

"where he was washing the shelves from the fridge" 😂

I don't think it will change his faffing but at least now he will concede that if I wasn't around, he would probably be late for everything

Argh! That's what they want! What has basically been "proved" is that you now have to be in charge of everything for ever and ever. He will grudgingly admit that, yes, you were right and he was wrong and make a bit of a show of grumping, but INSIDE he is experiencing a huge wave of relief and relaxation. YOU will do the planning, YOU are in charge, if he's ever late for something else or makes a mistake, it won't be his fault, it will be because YOU failed to remind/supervise him.

You blinked first in the standoff.

I know I sound brutal, but this stuff drives me mad. My father had a zero-tolerance policy for that sort of nonsense and I guess it's rubbed off. He genuinely did once drive the car away without the rest of the family because he had said what time we were leaving and we weren't ready. So he left.

He has been known to tell you as you walk into a pub "Now, in a minute, the bartender is going to ask you what you'd like to drink. So if you're not sure, have a think NOW about it, rather than holding everyone up at the bar".

I must disagree re: all of you and your kings of faff-dom. Because my DH is Emperor of Faff-dom.
tigermoll makes a great point. It's convenient for them and maybe a learnt response as their mums stepped in and did things when they took too long. We have a 1 year old who goes to bed much later than MN bedtime but my 1 rule is that we eat dinner by 8pm. DH never gets dinner on until 7.30pm and whatever he cooks will take atleast 1hour (even pasta!). He only cooks once or twice a week. He'll unload/load the dishwasher, check his emails, return phone calls, shazam music etc etc until it's nearly 8 and I come in to check when we can eat. I refuse to let him off cooking (I am sure that's what he wants) and instead will give DD a snack at 6pm so she isnt starved. Around 8.30pm, she gets very impatient and vocalises it. Guess what? He never understands why
Also he loves to say 'I was born ready' when I am standing by the door having got both myself and the baby ready and he is still looking for shoes/wallet/a shirt. I have threatened violence when he cheerfully says he was born ready. And also yy with the luxury poo. Oh and he scoffs when I remind him to pee before we set off on a road trip. Usually an hour later, he is bursting for a wee but wont stop at services because we are late. Aaargh!
My DM is like that. Half of her faffing is complaining about inefficient people (she employs about 10 staff, most are inefficient and frustrate her) and how she ends up redoing their work. She used to claim I made her late when I was a teenager but I had had enough 1 day and would flatly refuse to get out of bed until she had showered. Then I would shower and be ready at allocated time and she would still be getting dressed, finding bits and without fail, we have to come back 1 minute after driving off as she has forgotten something essential. Why?! Between DM and DH sometimes I feel like I'll have a heart attack/head will explode

Excellent post tigermoll.

it suits them because they don't feel confident being ultimately responsible for anything. They want someone else to be the final, bottom-line, ultimate sign-off on their actions and decisions. They need to know that someone else is always overseeing them and will keep them safe.
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This is really quite sad. I think it ultimately stems from childhood. Could be wrong.

P.s tigermoll yes my DGF is like a clock so I take deadlines very seriously. He has left very important visitors who came from another town to accompany him to the mountains (back in the day with no mobiles). He gave them a time. They were 10 minutes late. He went without them

tigermoll your dad sounds fantastic. Mine is very similar. As am I.

Him agreeing that I make his life better (when I choose to!) is not going to mean I take responsibility for him, it's just nice that he knows he's incompetent . If we're going to something that matters to me, we get there on time. If we're going to something that matters to him, I and the DC will be ready on time and the rest is up to him, unless I am feeling helpful. I do not take responsibility for his social life.

Recently I asked him to cancel a life insurance policy in favour of a new, better one we'd organised. It took him several months, honestly. It only got done eventually because I made him look for the email, the documents, call the company, literally stood over him while he did it, and when he eventually dug the document out it turned out that BOTH policies were invalid while we had two in place, so if either of us had dropped dead in the last few months there would be no money to pay off the mortgage. I went mad about that one and combined with lunch-gate I hope it's given him a bit of a wake up call.

The thing is he has a job which requires a lot of organisation and he is good at his job, it's as if he uses up every iota of efficiency at work and has none left for home. It's not as if he doesn't pull his weight, he does. It just takes FUCKING AGES.

This is really quite sad.

I agree -- as well as being utterly maddening.

I think it ultimately stems from childhood

If you are attempting to "fix" a faffer and start allowing them feel the consequences of their behaviour, you will often find they revert to other infantile strategies -- sulking, tantrums, or attempting to be cute and helpless. Many faffers feel (and people around them have colluded) that their incompetence is somehow charmingly daft or endearing, and that, not only should allowances be made, but this aspect of their personality is actually a plus. When you take away that indulgent, parent-child dynamic, (or even the frustrated-but-ultimately-loving parent-child dynamic) they will try a range of different strategies to get it back. They really, really don't want to sort themselves out, because it can be quite frightening for them to finally take full responsibility for their lives.

In some ways I'm relieved to see my DH is not the only king of faff.
But boy I have to admit it drives me to edge sometimes, and I know it impinges on everything he does in life, so in reality it has it's more serious downsides.
I could get up, run 3 miles, organise the kids school lunches and drop offs, commute over an hour and be in work for 9am each day.
DH on the other hand, takes 2 hours some days just to leave the house, with only himself to get ready. And would still be late. It is so frustrating I honestly just want to walk away sometimes. Mainly because he genuinely doesn't seem to care!
If I tentatively point out that he has taken an hour to do a ten minute task, and didn't he have an important meeting in half an hour??.. his response his always total apathy. So what.
Yet in strange contradiction, every task, trip or toil..will only take ten minutes. If he's asked to be somewhere or do something ..it's always a yes..it will only take ten minutes. And if you challenge it to help him save face, he will argue it to the nth! Consequently he lets people down..misses deadlines..flights..school plays..you name it. Really admire those of you who can shrug it off..because I'm still struggling after many years!

Food for thought there tigermoll. I'm married to a faffer. I don't enable it or get mad, I ignore it (mostly). He actually admits it whilst doing it then want me to tell him he's too slow etc:

Like "I'm useless, aren't I?"
"No, you're methodical"
Then he plods on with it again.

Thing is when he does things, it is done to absolute perfection. He doesn't like getting things wrong and gets upset if he does (thus where avoidance comes in I think).

Big back story to this one

My husband has an important work meeting today. I'm not sure he knows where his suit is or that there are no clean shirts because he didn't put the washing on but instead researched some 'vital' information about a dead person three days ago.

I've gone shopping. He can deal with the consequences. I'm not saving the day any more.

PollyTheDolly so when you refuse to react/let his faffing impinge on your life, he deliberately tries to draw you into it? Just goes to show that this is behaviour which is done "at" another person.

Do you think he wants you to tell him off/get cross, reassure him that he is lovable despite this behaviour, or is he simply attention seeking and doesn't care if it is positive or negative?

Please update glue

Some of these are hilarious although frustrating and insulting that their time is so much more valuable than yours because they feel so entitled to keep you waiting around for them.

And yy to then managing to turn it around that it's You they are waiting for.

Do you think he wants you to tell him off/get cross, reassure him that he is lovable despite this behaviour, or is he simply attention seeking and doesn't care if it is positive or negative?

No he definitely doesn't want negative feedback, I know that for sure. I think I understand what's going on but need more input from others, like on here. I tend not to answer negative questions from him.

But why is there sooooo many out there. Have to say I'm quite taken aback!

Yesterday captain faff decided to go to the shop for string. He said "I'm going out now to get the string" then he went to get his wallet and a spirit level(???) then he got changed then he went downstairs then he came back up because he'd left his spirit level in the bedroom then he went outside and looked in the shed then he changed his shoes then he walked round in circles like a dog who doesn't know where to shit. I timed him. Twenty minutes of arsing about for a 500 yard walk to the shop to buy a ball of string. It's no wonder I drink!

PollyTheDolly so is him asking for reassurance connected to his perfectionism, do you think? He wants you to stop him from making mistakes? Or does he need you to say that him being like this is OK, and thus give him permission not to change?

Low self esteem I think. Like I said bit of a background to it. He also starts lots of projects at the same time and gets bored quite easily. Does a brilliant job on all eventually but works in this way, then frustrates himself!

I do have boundaries though. He's not allowed to start anything on my car unless he finishes it for example, and that non negotiable.

Long convoluted answer to 'how did it go' and no real answer. Who knows.

Dh is one of those hurry/faffers so he'll chivvy me to get ready ("because you always take ages" ), then when I'm showered, dressed, made up etc he'll just about be getting in the shower. Then I'll be sat with my coat on and handbag in my lap for the next half hour while he does Christ knows what, and then he'll come rushing in and say "are you ready then?!" like I'm the one holding things up . Drives. Me. Mad.

I went on holiday with my friend and we shared a room, she was an extreme faffer too. When she was packing to go home it was excruciating; everything got taken out of the drawers and put on the bed, then she spent half an hour rearranging them and picking things up and putting them down again. I don't know how she actually put things into the case because I had to leave the room before I rugby tackled her out of the way and did it myself. I love her, but bloody hell!

I can't decide whether Captain Faff, King Faff of Faffland or the Emperor of Faff is my favourite.