to not let 15 year old daughter go to an unsupervised sleepover?

[krustykittens]

We have just moved to a new area and DD is trying to make friends. Our house is a mess at the moment due to building work so it is hard to have people over at the moment. She was very excited to be going to a sleepover on Saturday night with three other friends, but she has just told me that there are going to be NO adults supervising them ALL NIGHT! Apparently the girl's mum has decided to go out all night and she is a single parent so no other adult will be there. She is very upset as she knows I won't let her go and I am glad she has told me. But should I let her go? We have not been here long and I don't know these girls at all, have never met them and there families. What they COULD get up to is a list as long as my arm but whether or not they WOULD is something I don't know. I can't have them around here as we don't even have a kitchen at the moment! I know I can be very strict but this worries me.

She doesn't even know their surnames! YADNBU!!

Fetching home at midnight is a fair compromise. You could even offer to take her back round at 8 with pain au chocolat etc. But not overnight with strangers. Not even (or rather, especially not) when she's desperate to fit in in a new place. She'd find it very hard to say no to any mad schemes dreamt up by a mixed (I bet, if in centre of town) bunch of near strangers.

(I have a teen around that age - just talk to her about your fears and point out that she can't allay them because she simply doesn't know these girls yet)

I don't have teenagers yet BUT I vividly remember situations like this from my own youth. My parents were very strict, I was allowed a lot less then my friends, always with the earliest curfew, no pocket money etc.
All it taught me was to lie about everything. And you wouldn't believe the stories I came up with and stuff I did to make them look realistic. I still did everything I wanted, just without my parents' approval.
What used to annoy me most, was that I really was a sensible teenager. I absolutely didn't do drugs or booze, no unprotected sex or sex with randoms and my results at school were always very good.
I suppose what I'm trying to get across is that she might feel punished for her honesty.
As I said before though, I don't have teenagers and things are probably hugely different now.

I think your compromise is fair, but I would have kicked up a proper teenage storm in your DD's position. I went to mixed sleepovers from 14. DFriend's dad had a girlfriend who lived round the corner, so he would go there but be back in 5 minutes if needed. There was alcohol and a bit of snogging but nothing bad, and those who had strict parents had one or two illicit cans and that was it. These were good friends and nice kids though, and our parents knew each other. Most of us are still friends 20 years on and the dad came to my wedding.

I once stayed over with a friend who'd gone to live with her dad in a neighbouring town. Given that the mum had left him for DV and gone into a refuge, I don't know what my mum was thinking to allow it. He wasn't the problem, but friend and I stayed in an empty house, literally empty, no furniture, on an estate that felt rough, with older friends of hers who I didn't know. Once the novelty of openly drinking and smoking had worn off, so about 8.30, I was scared and wanted to go home.

Until you and she have the measure of these friends a bit better, I think all night is too risky. Would it help your DD if you explicitly told her it was ok to make you the bad guy and blame you for being super-strict? (Not that I think you are, but teenage me would have.)

This is probably a different situation but I have let my 15 year old DS stay at his friend's house overnight with no adult supervision, however, I have known DS's friend and his family since they started primary school and they live just down the road so if there was any problem I could have popped round; Aldo DS doesn't drink alcohol - he's a a bit obsessive about excercise and diet so I don't think he'd lie about this.

Trust and let her go...let her make friends...let her take care of herself.....wrapping her up in cotton wool doesn't help.....she has trusted u enough to let u know now you can trust her....trust and respect works both ways but hey you are mum and u know best...diff decision but I know what I would do time over again with my children...good luck x

Definitely don't let her go. It's a potentially harmful situation.

No way would I allow it. If I knew the kids and parents I might consider it, but in all likelihood I still wouldn't.

As has been mentioned upthread, at that age hormones are raging and common sense, when surrounded by new friends who you want to fit in with, is not.
I remember my DM being "the world's worst mother who can't remember what it's like to be my age" because she said no to me. We have all been there with our parents. It's a right of passage .

You have done your bit by compromising. I would speak to her again tomorrow calmly and remind her your offer still stands to pick her up at 12/1am. If your up late anyway I would try and let her look a bit cooler with a 1am pick up. (There is no way a group of teens will give up an empty house to go to yours!).
If she continues to strop then ask her if she feels she is displaying behaviour that demonstrates someone who is mature enough to be at an unsupervised sleepover. And threaten to shorten the pick up time by an hour every time she moans about it.

Thank you so much for all the replies. Tbh, I have been sitting here tonight thinking, "Why the fuck did I ever agree to this in the first place when I don't know who these people are ?!" I really, really do want her to make friends and have fun, especially after the bullying she has endured and that swayed me to say yes in the first place. But unsupervised is a step too far. I get what everyone is saying about regarding her honesty with trust but I am not putting her in a potentially dangerous situation to prove a point. If she is still speaking to me tomorrow, I will try and find a way to make up for it. If she is happy to be picked up late, I will still let her go (but I will probably park up around the corner with a book and watch the house!) but otherwise, we will have to find something else to do. Thank you all again for replying, it is a minefield at this age!

rewarding not regarding!

The thing is many posters remember what THEY were loke at 15.... and that involved boys and booze.
I think yanbu but bear in mind that bots and booze will feature quite heavily in teen years and that is entirely normal.
Instead of banning all such situations i would educate her with an honest discussion about peer group pressure, sex, drugs, internet revenge porn and also make sure she has access to contraception. ( but then im v liberal and realistic. )

Boys and booze not bots and booze!

But yanbu on this occassion.

There will be boys and booze at 15 yes, and my 15 year old has certainly had some experience of it, but a bit more controlled situations, like a party where there is a pick up time or some adult in charge will limit how bad it can get.

Free houses all night can be very dangerous at that age.

Oh and if you want to know how I know about DD2 15? She has talked to me about boys, but she didn't tell me about this. She was unsubtley dropped in it by her older sister, who in an argument mentioned that DD2 had got "drunk on a bottle of cider and fingered by Joe Bloggs at XYZs party."

This was something she was dropped off at, and picked up from, and I thought she was only a little tipsy so pretended not to notice. I do wonder what could have happened in an unsupervised house all night!

i agree I probably would say no.

However - if you're worried about sex then I don't see how picking her up at midnight would help much - it's pretty easy to have sex before midnight in an unsupervised house! And to hide any boys when you arrive to pick up. To be honest - if she wants to misbehave she will find the time to do so at other times. Better to educate her of risks.

Why would you assume that the OP hasn't had conversations with her dd about safe sex, drinking and a whole bunch of other stuff too? Or that those conversations would keep her safe?

dd went to what turned out to be an unsupervised party at a similar age. Her friends all got a bit drunk. One of them sexually assaulted another of friend in the night. He was identifying as gay at the time, so apparently safe. dd was very sensible, didn't get drunk, looked after every one etc. Didn't stop her being very fucked up for a long time about it.

A midnight pick up seems like a generous offer in the circumstances to me. I'm a laid back mum and would be OK with my 16 year old having a boy/girlfriend that we knew and liked staying the night. Or my 17 year old going on holiday with a boy/girlfriend. Just not with what feels like an unsafe overnight party.

I agree with that! You can be super strict, but if they want to misbehave they kind find a way.

I used to sleep over with my bestie when we were 15 and she was babysitting her two brothers for the weekend. HOWEVER her parents knew me and my parents knew her and we were both ultra reliable. I think the fact these are new friends would make me say no.

So OP, if your daughter does go for a little while, you need to report back to us tomorrow and let us know what kind of wild party it turned into! Or maybe they'll all be sitting around in curlers and frilly nighties, painting their nails and singing like in Grease!

"RhiWrites seriously, you think I am worried about drinking and clubbing?! No, I am worried about her being taken advantage of by boys or men, perhaps having it filmed and put up on FB so she can be slut shamed at school. THAT'S my deepest, darkest fears for my daughter, not drinking and clubbing. "

Krusty, I'm sorry but that sounds an extreme and paranoid fear. Those things do happen but I can't understand what about this situation makes you fear the worst.

And I certainly didn't imagine this was your concern about an unsupervised sleepover because it's so extreme.

OK, Krusty you have made your decision about tonight. Fair enough.

You keep saying 'it's not her, it's the others I don't trust'....but actually that means you don't trust your DD to be able to say no to drink / drugs / sex / getting in a car with a drunk driver, and you haven't suggested how to spot the beginnings of a sticky situation and dodge the bad consequences.

So how are you going to move on?
Today seems the perfect time to catastrophise explain how little things can lead to big things and life changing things. Teens are known for being bad at not anticipating consequences. So sit down with her, and talk it all through. Get her to really think about it.

Very difficult situation for you - yes, you have rewarded her honesty with a 'punishment' as a PP said. So you are encouraging her to be dishonest. Until you have thrashed everything out so you are satisfied she can see worst-case scenarios coming, she is not trustworthy. But only you can educate her to be trustworthy. And she can't prove she is trustworthy until you give her a chance.

Actually, and I apologise if this sounds harsh, it's not the others who are a problem, it's you not teaching your DD what to be wary of yet that is the problem. You can't guard her every minute until she is 18 and then expect her suddenly to be ok without her minder.

You're so close to being there, though! Maybe a couple of long conversations, meet the friends if you have to (but why not trust her judgement?) and then think about letting her go next time. She might go anyway without telling you.

I think that's overly harsh Blue.

The OP routinely said that she may have been far more comfortable with this if she knew the parents, knew the girls, or her daughter even knew their surnames.

But this is a new town, a new school, new friends and a 15 year old in an unsupervised sleepover in a house in the middle of the town.

Mine wouldn't be going even if I knew the parents.

Fwiw I think you are doing the right thing op. Even in that much recommended teen book "Get out of my life but first drive me and Alex in to town" the author says we are wise not to trust our teens all the time. Of course building trust is key,, but it needs to be done in gradual stages. Anyway not sure this is all about trust tbh, it is as you say, about potentially placing your dd in a situation she is too young to handle just now.

Well, we had quite a turn around this morning! Messages where flying thick and fast between the girls this morning - it turns out that the girl hosting the sleepover also has a 24 year old brother who has decided to invite all his mates around as his mother is bailing out of the house! The girls have all freaked out and decided to come around here instead, so we have spent the morning cleaning up and trying to put manners on a building site. They are all out having a yomp with the dogs at the mo, as 'sleepover' seems to have turned into a weekend! DD apologised for being so upset last night and admitted that I was right, that she really doesn't know anyone very well yet. I am just relieved that they all seem to be nice girls and genuine friends of hers. RhiWrites the situation I described already happened to two girls in her last school, so it happens. Have you read some of the other stories people have come out with as to what happens when other sleepovers go wrong? My job as the mother of a CHILD is to protect them as much as I can. I have already pointed in this thread that we do have frank and open discussions but I am not stupid enough to believe that these conversations protect my children from harm, like magic. Nor am I going to prove to my child I trust her by letting her do anything, with anyone, at anytime, because like I say, other people have not earned that trust. I do love the way people assume that because I don't let her go to an unsupervised sleepover at 15 that I keep her under lock and key and this will be the state of play until she is 18. Like Danny my children get more freedom as they get older. You know, like the way she is allowed to hang around town with her friends with no supervising adult during the day, I didn't let her do that when she was two. Metalmum we had another conversation about the phone call and apparently this girl's mum has serious anxiety after years of DV and was shaking after the phone call with me, when all I was asking was the usual questions. So that seems to clear that up. I admit, I am rather paranoid about bullying after the hell she has gone through the last year.

Fingalswave I think I will get that book as the next few years are going to be tricky! Thanks for all the advice!