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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let 15 year old daughter go to an unsupervised sleepover?

160 replies

krustykittens · 07/04/2017 18:26

We have just moved to a new area and DD is trying to make friends. Our house is a mess at the moment due to building work so it is hard to have people over at the moment. She was very excited to be going to a sleepover on Saturday night with three other friends, but she has just told me that there are going to be NO adults supervising them ALL NIGHT! Apparently the girl's mum has decided to go out all night and she is a single parent so no other adult will be there. She is very upset as she knows I won't let her go and I am glad she has told me. But should I let her go? We have not been here long and I don't know these girls at all, have never met them and there families. What they COULD get up to is a list as long as my arm but whether or not they WOULD is something I don't know. I can't have them around here as we don't even have a kitchen at the moment! I know I can be very strict but this worries me.

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Original poster
krustykittens · 07/04/2017 20:58

RhiWrites seriously, you think I am worried about drinking and clubbing?! No, I am worried about her being taken advantage of by boys or men, perhaps having it filmed and put up on FB so she can be slut shamed at school. THAT'S my deepest, darkest fears for my daughter, not drinking and clubbing. Waterrat if these girls were really her friends, wanted to have a sleepover that included her, I don't see the problem with coming here. I'm not stopping them from having a sleep over. I WOULD stop gatecrashers with vodka, though. I appreciate she is trying to make new friends, but I am not putting her in a potentially dangerous situation with a bunch of complete strangers so she can do that. MetalMum I have my concerns about how fast she has been invited for a sleepover as well. I don't if you saw my earlier post but the 'mum' I spoke to one the phone sounded very young. DD was bullied very badly at her last school and I know how horrible teen girls can be. All the conversations about this sleepover are being conducted on Snapchat so are disapearing into the ether. I wouldn't be surprised if she was being set up for an unpleasant evening. I hope not, I hope these girls are genuine friends but that phone call didn't sit well with me. Half an hour after I had it, she is then told there will be no supervising adult, when she was told previously that the girl's mum would be around. Frouby your post is very illuminating. We have ALL done stuff when we were younger that put us in potentially harmful situations. Not everyone gets away scot free. My job is to see these situations and head them off, while she is still a minor and still my responsibility.

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Original poster
krustykittens · 07/04/2017 20:59

Oh, jaysus, Danny that is a tough one! Can she pay for the holiday herself?

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Fanciedachange17 · 07/04/2017 21:03

You're a great Mum and absolutely doing the right thing and being a responsible person.
Yes, it might be all innocent but if it all goes horribly wrong then you'll be picking up the pieces forever. She is still a child. Plenty of years to experiment when she's older.
Keep strong.

Dannythechampion · 07/04/2017 21:03

She can.

I'm the worst mum ever apparently.

I said she can go when she's finished her A levels , I'm also not ready to spend the next year having the argument over whether he can sleep in her bed or not. "But we did on holiday and you were fine with that" will be the response, I know it.

user1471545174 · 07/04/2017 21:04

I can't believe MN sometimes. "Sleepover" (with only girls!) and "home alone" applied to someone who will be old enough to marry next year Confused

I think we need to raise the age of majority to 40.

Violetcharlotte · 07/04/2017 21:05

Danny I think it would depend on the bf! If you think he's trustworthy and they're both reasonably sensible then yes. Also I would expect her to be working and pay for it herself! I went to Kos with my bf when I was 17.

Original poster
krustykittens · 07/04/2017 21:08

USer do you really not get it? If I could guarantee it was a just a sleepover with only girls, OF COURSE SHE COULD GO! She might be able to get married next year but ON SATURDAY she is a minor and my responsibility, so my decision. If she went and something awful happened, how many people would accuse me of being an irresponsible mother for letting her go, given the situation I have outlined?

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Original poster
krustykittens · 07/04/2017 21:11

Danny I would let her go after her A-levels. If she can pay for it herself, I don't see how you can say no. It's very tricky, even if you like the boy. We were watching Veronica Mars the other night (the college series) and Beloved was laughing at her Dad insisting her boyfriends couldn't stay over night. "She's 18, she's an adult, he can't insist." "So you're going to let our girl's boyfriends sleep in the same bed with them under our roof at 18, are you?" "No!" "Why not?" No reasonable answer. I wouldn't like it either and my parents would never have allowed it but technically, they are doing nothing wrong etc, etc, etc. Sorry. Not much help.

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kierenthecommunity · 07/04/2017 21:12

I think it'd be different if you'd known the girls and the mum for years, they'd had loads of sleepovers at that house before, and you knew they were mature and trustworthy kids

but there would be too many unknowns for my liking, so I don't think you're being remotely U. I don't think I'd be that thrilled if mum was there either if I barely knew her

Original poster
krustykittens · 07/04/2017 21:12

Sorry, I call my H Beloved on FB, I am sure I am breaking a MN rule calling him that on here!

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Dannythechampion · 07/04/2017 21:15

She is working, but she is massively facilitated by us to do that ( lifted and laid, woken up to get there on time).

They're mature, sometimes, she has gotten into a scrape or two that they needed fishing out of by me, like being picked up in bloody Smithfield at midnight in teeny tiny crop top and mini skirt because her and her friends had failed to get into Fabric!

Like I said, there's that, and the fact that I know she would then want him staying over in her bed after that, we have 2 others and it sets a precedent doesn't it. I could spend years arguing about it "But you let DD1" etc.

Original poster
krustykittens · 07/04/2017 21:17

Kieron how do you get to know families once the kids are at senior school, though? I never see other parents now. I only get talking to them if I am picking my kids up from their houses, so there has to be an element of trust on my part.

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Original poster
krustykittens · 07/04/2017 21:20

What IS the argument today for not letting young adults have sex in your house? Seriously, I want to know! My mother said, "I'm not having any one do that with my baby unless they love her enough to marry her. When you have kids of your own, you will understand." God, do I! My MIL wouldn't let us sleep in the same bed when we visited, even though we lived together, as she was a devout Catholic and didn't agree with sex before marriage. Her house, her rules. I'm an atheist who lived in sin, what the hell will I say?

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kierenthecommunity · 07/04/2017 21:23

hhhmmm. I never considerd that TBH. I had the same friends throughout primary/middle/high school (well, until the sixth form when we split up a bit) so I guess my parents were lucky

I am just so wary of what young girls can be pressured to get up to though, albeit ones who are more vulnerable than average and have no one looking out for them

Violetcharlotte · 07/04/2017 21:25

Krusty my view is that if teenagers want to have sex they'll find somewhere to do it! I let my 17 year old DS gf stay over, but only after they'd been together for a while and I knew her parents were comfortable with it. I'd rather they were safe indoors than at it in some carpark!

Getting to know parents when they're at secondary school is hard. DS has known most of his friend since primary school so it's easier for me. --
Facebook stalking can tell you a lot about people though--

Original poster
krustykittens · 07/04/2017 21:26

We have moved to the other side of the country so we are all starting over. There has always been peer pressure, drink, drugs sex but now there is social media as well.

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PuntCuffin · 07/04/2017 21:27

She can only get married at 16 with consent from parents. She is still 3 years away from doing so without parental consent. It is somewhat disingenuous to suggest that refusing a sleepover whilst still a child is somehow treating her unfairly and relating it to something she still can't do without parental permission in a year's time.

Violetcharlotte · 07/04/2017 21:27

Danny does she want to go abroad? I think I'd be more inclined to say yes if it was in this country. Otherwise after A levels.

user1471545174 · 07/04/2017 21:27

I do get it, krustykittens, and you're her mum so of course you'll be worried, but it's important to start to build trust as well. I'm trustworthy because my mum told me I was!

Original poster
krustykittens · 07/04/2017 21:27

FB stalking! Great idea! Now if only DD could remember her friend's surnames....yes, she really knows THAT little about them.

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Original poster
krustykittens · 07/04/2017 21:29

Honestly, user it isn't her I worry about, she's a good girl, smart, funny and strong willed. We have a good relationship and some frank conversations. It's other people I worry about!

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Dannythechampion · 07/04/2017 21:30

My house my rules Kitty, I think that is fine.

Once they've gone to uni/got a job/moved out and they bring someone back with them who they are in a relationship with, then I said they can share a bed, much more progressive than my own mother.

However, not while they are at school.

Violetcharlotte · 07/04/2017 21:31

Yes definitely too soon to trust her! I'd want to know a lot more about these girls. Some of the kids in DS2 year are a nightmare - drinking, drugs, sex, etc at 15. Luckily he's not in with that crowd. I think the girls scare him a bit! Grin

Original poster
krustykittens · 07/04/2017 21:32

Hmmm, yes, I think the "Pay your own bills, run your own household, be on a level footing with me and THEN you can have all the privileges I enjoy as an adult," is a good one.

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Dannythechampion · 07/04/2017 21:33

Yes abroad, to go to Spain.

I was fine with Reading last year, I'm fine with it this year, I know they'll probably be sharing a bed there, but I can turn a blind eye to that because they going as a group.

This btw is the girl that needs the pill for medical reasons, and needs to be reminded to take it!