Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let 15 year old daughter go to an unsupervised sleepover?

160 replies

krustykittens · 07/04/2017 18:26

We have just moved to a new area and DD is trying to make friends. Our house is a mess at the moment due to building work so it is hard to have people over at the moment. She was very excited to be going to a sleepover on Saturday night with three other friends, but she has just told me that there are going to be NO adults supervising them ALL NIGHT! Apparently the girl's mum has decided to go out all night and she is a single parent so no other adult will be there. She is very upset as she knows I won't let her go and I am glad she has told me. But should I let her go? We have not been here long and I don't know these girls at all, have never met them and there families. What they COULD get up to is a list as long as my arm but whether or not they WOULD is something I don't know. I can't have them around here as we don't even have a kitchen at the moment! I know I can be very strict but this worries me.

OP posts:
Original poster
krustykittens · 07/04/2017 21:34

I know what you mean, Violet - I worry about boys preying on her but boys her own age just seem so innocent in comparison to the girls!

OP posts:
Original poster
krustykittens · 07/04/2017 21:35

Err, I am still terrible at remembering to take the pill. DH has threatened to tie to a packet of biscuits to remind me! Shall I get my coat?

OP posts:
beenthereanditsnotgood · 07/04/2017 21:36

So have NC for this.

My DSD was a lovely happy person up until 13 and all of a sudden it all seemed to go off the rails.

DH was (and still is) very active in her life not a Disney dad and we had not far off 50/50 residency.

Time with us gradually went downhill - which we put down to usual teenage behaviour. We found out from her DM that she had a boyfriend (who turned out to be 16).

She was unusually tired.

We found she had been up until 3/4am online. We cut wifi after 10pm.

Then a call from the school. She'd refused to remove her numerous bracelets for PE. The reason - they were there to cover self harm scars (that we later found were also covering all her legs).

Much counselling and therapy.

Upshot is she was allowed by her DM to attend a number of sleepovers that turned out to be unsupervised (her DM did not know this and would not have allowed it if she had).

What had been a normal teen relationship got pressured into a sexual one at a very young age and she was not equipped to deal with it.

He'd end it with her, reconcile just pre- sleepover and the circle would start again. Self harm was her way of dealing with this. Thankfully he moved away and out of her life - but this was only just after we knew what was happening.

At 15 she was already on her second sexual relationship. Again - hugely intense and full on. It impacted GCSE's, friendships etc. She just didn't know what a normal relationship was.

We are thankfully many years down the line and she is really doing well.

But it's been a hard slog.

A sleepover sounds so bloody innocent, but if your child is unlucky enough to come across a manipulative older boy like DD did, the ramifications are huge.

Flowers
kierenthecommunity · 07/04/2017 21:37

did a PP propose an option of her going but on the proviso she texts you every couple of hours? and if she doesn't you'll show her up by rocking up there? Grin

maybe that could be a compromise. it's difficult because I'd really not want to allow it, but on the same token you don't want to ruin such a new friendship too!

KitKats28 · 07/04/2017 21:40

I might sound like a bitch (which I'm not being) but I really don't see the point of this sort of question.

From the wide range of answers, it's obvious that only you know your own children. All the people saying "this or that will definitely happen", how do you know? Maybe it would happen with your child but it won't definitely happen to another person's child.

At 15, I was going to unsupervised sleepovers. My friend's parents were both in the emergency services and occasionally they both worked a night shift. A group of us would stay over, cook pizza and watch horror movies. A couple of people might have had a beer, others didn't. No boys, no trouble. Two years later however, it was vodka and clubbing and lying to parents!

My daughter is 17 and she goes on "unsupervised sleepovers" at her boyfriend's house quite often. They usually consist of her, her boyfriend, his older brother and his girlfriend and his younger brothers. They order pizza and watch DVDs. They are possibly the most boring group of teenagers ever (thankfully!)

I would absolutely let her go on holiday with him. My son at the same age, no way, as he would have probably ended up in A & E!

Original poster
krustykittens · 07/04/2017 21:41

Beenthere I am so sorry. I am relieved to hear your DSD is doing better. It is such a hard age because they are coping with so many adult feelings while still being children and so many kids slip negotiating this bridge and get hurt, even with loving, supportive families looking out for them. x

OP posts:
PunkrockerGirl · 07/04/2017 21:42

My dc are adults now. I was the most laid back parent ever, but even I wouldn't have allowed this when they were 15. And I knew dc's friends and their parents really well.
Young teenagers, even the so-called 'sensible' ones, are notoriously unpredictable - add alcohol into the mix and the situation can become quite unsafe, imo.

Original poster
krustykittens · 07/04/2017 21:45

Kieron I am not comfortable with that, its either come home at midnight or have it here. KitKat I am asking the question because myself and DH don't know anyone else with kids the same age and it helps to sound out doubts and questions and put them in perspective. Sometimes, you need to hear, "Yes, you are being unreasonable,, this is quite normal," if you genuinly don't know. And AGAIN - it is not my daughter I am worried about, it is other people!

OP posts:
Violetcharlotte · 07/04/2017 21:45

Krusty not all boys that age are innocent! I've hear lots of stories about what goes on. On the other hand, as someone else said, it could all be very boring and just hanging out and filling their faces with junk. But until you know a bit more about these friends you don't know so I think you're quite right to be cautious!

coffeecoffeecoffeee · 07/04/2017 21:46

YANBU YANBU YANBU!!

RubyRedRuby · 07/04/2017 21:48

Fwiw OP I think you are doing the right thing. You've offered alternatives which is very fair but I would say exactly the same as you.

Dannythechampion · 07/04/2017 21:51

Not all boys are innocent, not all girls are either!

I know from my 3 , stories they tell, and well what I know about one of them ( not really that bad though).

ProlificPoster · 07/04/2017 21:52

Well, I have just told her she can go until midnight

This is EXACTLY what I would have done. If I knew the girls and my DD was more settled and knew them better herself then I would, probably, let her go but as it I wouldn't.

1Evaline1 · 07/04/2017 21:57

Definitely no sleepover if it sounds off to you then it probably is. I remember not being allowed to go to a sleepover when I was 12 even though the parents were in and they loved down the road. At he time I was so heartbroken but a week later never thought about it again. I have my own dc now and I think I'd be even more strict than my own parents when it comes to this.

Your dd will get over it in a few days times and move onto something else. If you think the sleepover isn't particularly safe then your looking out for your dd as teenagers don't see the risks to things. At 15/16 I would drink with my friends and smoke then an hour before curfew spend that time sobering up and refreshing myself or I would call and say can I stay at my friends but really we would all be running about fields somewhere drunk.

Teenagers can hide a lot and so I would stay firm with no and eventually she will be ok with that

Serin · 07/04/2017 21:59

You are not in Cheshire are you OP?

Only DS (16) and several of his mates have been invited to an unsupervised sleepover at a girls house tomorrow night. He is actually quite shocked at what the girls have been suggesting on snap chat.

(He is honestly still more interested in his sports and revision for the moment).

MimsyFluff · 07/04/2017 22:00

Me and a group of children often slept rough in an old abandoned building in the country between 14-16, we would drink, at ping-pong with fire starters, call the police on us if we got bored and one couple out of the group 10-20 had sex.

I will only allow close friendship sleepovers

Original poster
krustykittens · 07/04/2017 22:03

Serin no, we are not!

OP posts:
Dannythechampion · 07/04/2017 22:11

Mimsy, I don't even what to think about what me and my friends got up to at 15.

Pigface1 · 07/04/2017 22:32

kitkat personally I entirely get why the OP is asking the question. In these kinds of situations it can be very difficult to decide what level of freedom is appropriate. Also, teenagers can be very manipulative and can try so hard to convince you that you're in fact a complete Nazi and all their friends' parents allow coke-fuelled orgies on school nights (being slightly facetious, but you get the idea) that you start to doubt your own instincts, so it's very useful to be able to check with other people what their views are.

Anyway, OP, FWIW I think your decision is definitely the right one (ie going to get her at midnight). It's the compromise I'd have proposed. I wouldn't be comfortable with a wholly unsupervised sleepover.

Dannythechampion · 07/04/2017 22:37

I agree pigface, its good to get feedback from others, especially if you don't have friends with children at the same stage.

Dizzybintess · 07/04/2017 22:39

At the age of 13 I was invited over a friends. It turned out her mum had a new boyfriend and wanted to leave the girl for the night. As the night wore on it became apparent that my friend had some serious issues going on in her life and was really not in a good place. The discussions we had scared me. It was even more frighning as there was no adult there. The next morning I went home and my mother was livid at the mum for leaving us there and not informing my mum that she had that plan. Thankfully the friend got some much needed mh support.

MummyofThree123 · 07/04/2017 22:51

Has a mother of a 16 year old I wouldn't let him stay out at anyone's I didn't know,
I like to at least get to know the parent/s and the kids 1st, I'm very over protective.
It drives him mad but in the long run we have to has parents put our children's safety first.
I think you're doing the right thing and you're daughter was right for telling you the truth not many kids would.

It's hard being a parent I'm sure you're daughter will forgive you for caring.
Good luck!! xx

metalmum15 · 07/04/2017 22:53

Krusty Glad you thought that was strange too. Yes, I saw your post about the phone call. Trust your instincts. At the end of the day, if the girls are nice enough and become real friends then you'll get to know them properly and she'll no doubt be invited to other sleepovers. And if they aren't so nice then hopefully she'll see that and soon make some better friends. It's only been 4 weeks, there's plenty of time.

Cakeycakecake · 07/04/2017 22:53

At the age of 15 my friends sister was on a sleepover. Some boys (older) gate crashed. Convinced the girls to get in the car with them. My friends sister died that night because of drunk driving and no supervision by adults.
I'm not trying to scare or upset you, but the reality is, anything could happen. I know you've made your mind up, but please don't let her sway you. Too many risks.

Daydream007 · 07/04/2017 23:02

Don't let her go. Especially if you don't know her friends or mother. Her mother doesn't sound very responsible allowing that in her house

Swipe left for the next trending thread