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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let 15 year old daughter go to an unsupervised sleepover?

160 replies

krustykittens · 07/04/2017 18:26

We have just moved to a new area and DD is trying to make friends. Our house is a mess at the moment due to building work so it is hard to have people over at the moment. She was very excited to be going to a sleepover on Saturday night with three other friends, but she has just told me that there are going to be NO adults supervising them ALL NIGHT! Apparently the girl's mum has decided to go out all night and she is a single parent so no other adult will be there. She is very upset as she knows I won't let her go and I am glad she has told me. But should I let her go? We have not been here long and I don't know these girls at all, have never met them and there families. What they COULD get up to is a list as long as my arm but whether or not they WOULD is something I don't know. I can't have them around here as we don't even have a kitchen at the moment! I know I can be very strict but this worries me.

OP posts:
Alonglongway · 07/04/2017 20:04

I would say no. I have teen DDs - younger is 16 and she's sometimes been very conflicted by invitations to parties where she knew the plan was for people to get scary drunk. I usually offer to be the horrible strict mum she can blame - not sure how she handles it exactly but it seems to help

elliejjtiny · 07/04/2017 20:04

Well my eldest is 10 but I can't imagine letting him do that in 5 years. However I have fond memories of my friend's parents going on holiday for a week when we were about 17. A group of us stayed over and we hosted what we thought was a very posh meal for a mixed group of sixth corners. We made pasta with sauce from a jar and drank lambrini from wine glasses, we thought we were so sophisticated Grin. we had to replace the microwave before they got back

Heidi82 · 07/04/2017 20:07

Not a chance, very unsafe if they invite boys round and something goes too far nobody can help them or if alcohol is involved

DesertSky · 07/04/2017 20:12

Quite surprised at people saying they would happily let their 15 yo daughter go to a sleep over with friends whom they've never met (nor any of the parents) and unsupervised? When I put myself into that situation with my daughter, I actually feel rather sick.
OP trust your instincts.

Dannythechampion · 07/04/2017 20:13

DD1 is 17 and I'd let her, she's passed her driving test so...

DD2 15 no.

DD 13 no.

Doors have slammed here tonight already about other things. :(

Original poster
krustykittens · 07/04/2017 20:15

She is now in a strop. I am the worst mum ever. I am saving all this up until she has her own kids. Then I'll be all, "Do you remember when....?" Her friends won't come here because "they don't feel like it", which to me, just confirms they want to be up to no good. We also live in the middle of nowhere so it would make it very hard for other people to just "drop by" as opposed to the current proposed house, which is in the middle of town.

OP posts:
Original poster
krustykittens · 07/04/2017 20:15

I agree Danny a couple of years at this age makes all the difference.

OP posts:
Scottishchick39 · 07/04/2017 20:16

Not a chance in hell would
I allow it, I've got a 15 year old
Daughter and I remember all to well what I got up to at her age.

TheElephantofSurprise · 07/04/2017 20:18

You might have saved her from an incident which would be with her for life. It's worth the strop, just in case.

Dannythechampion · 07/04/2017 20:20

you can't be the worst ever, that's me, two of mine tonight have said it.

The house is in the middle of town? Like as town centre?

No way, there will be gate crashers, there will be drink, there will be boys and peer pressure, and free bedrooms.

Its easy for them to say "but I'd never do that" but a few drinks, inhibitions lowered, a bit of hot snogging with a cute boy and god knows...

RhiWrites · 07/04/2017 20:20

I was s very sheltered teen but I still babysat at age 12-14.

Of course they don't want to change their plans and come and be at Strict!Mum house when they've all been invited to someone else's place.

I think you're being too strict. At 19 when I went off to uni I knew nothing about anything because I'd had strict parents and attended a single sex school. It took a long time to fit in.

RhiWrites · 07/04/2017 20:21

I'd say let her go but promise you she won't be silly and get drunk or go out clubbing.

Violetcharlotte · 07/04/2017 20:22

Hmmm DS2 15 is at a sleepover tonight with no parents. I haven't got an issue with it. I do know all the kids though, is probably feel different if it was a new area and I didn't know what they were like.

Underthemoonlight · 07/04/2017 20:23

I used to go out clubbing at 15, I wouldn't be surprised if they plan to go out. I did this and stayed at my friends house.

justanotheryoungmother · 07/04/2017 20:25

Clubbing seems a bit far-fetched, it's really difficult to get fake ID now, and it's also a lot harder to not get caught than it was 5-10 years ago. Wouldn't be surprised if they were planning to drink though...

Dannythechampion · 07/04/2017 20:28

DD1 would confirm that night clubbing is difficult now, places are really strict on ID. There aren't the same opportunities for under age drinking in bars/clubs these days.

Wearing a short skirt and low cut top doesn't get you passed the security anymore, which, much to my chargrin, DD1 and friends tried in the summer after GCSEs.

metalmum15 · 07/04/2017 20:32

I'd be very concerned. If it was girls you knew and trusted it perhaps wouldn't be so bad, but the fact you don't know them at all? They could be inviting anyone over (much older boys /men) and your daughter could end up feeling very out of her depth. I'm also curious, if you've only been there 4 weeks, how do they know your daughter well enough? In my experience, sleepovers always seem to be with established favourite friends.

StubbleTurnips · 07/04/2017 20:33

I constantly extended the truth to my parents at this age and went to all manner of mixed sleepovers involving drinking / lord only knows what else. Would I want DD doing it, perhaps not. But at 15 I was far more sensible afraid than a year or two later when crazy shit really went down.

Violetcharlotte · 07/04/2017 20:33

I really doubt they're going clubbing! They wouldn't get in without ID and unlikely they'd be able to afford it anyway not like the nineties!

I imagine they'll be drink there though! DS had taken beer with him tonight, but like I sat I know the kids so feel comfortable with that. I agree with the OP I'd want to know more about these girls first - is it a few ciders and Netflix, or is it vodka and boys?!

Frouby · 07/04/2017 20:38

blubberingmess I had a mortgage at 18! Turned 18 in the october, completed 13th December. We had a 95% mortgage. 5% deposit and legal fees plus 5% cashback paid by Ben Bailey. This was late 90s when 100% mortgages and 95% mortgages were readily available. We got it as I had completed my 6 mth probationary period in the bank I worked for and boyfriend was 21 and had been in his job for 2 years. Plus house prices were a lot lower. We paid 28k for a large 2 bed ex local authority property in a decent area. I sold it 6 years later for 60k.

OP if this was an established friendship group with girls you knew I would allow it in the condition at some point between 10pm and 12 am you would visit the house and check on them. If there are boys or alcohol she comes straight home. However as you don't know these girls or the parents I would be hesitant to do even that.

A compromise might be to drop her off and go in so you know that is where she will be. Then go back later and see what is happening. You might find a load of girls watching something inappropriate and mainlining m and ms. But you might find something very different.

Fwiw at 15 my friend at school used to have unsupervised parties regularly. Whatever we wanted to do we did before her parents came home at 12. And at 14-16 we also used to 'babysit' for a woman. We weren't actually babysitting at all. We were partying with her and her partners adult friends. It was only when the Rotherham sex abuse scandal came out I realised how inappropriate it was.

waterrat · 07/04/2017 20:39

I think you are being a bit harsh. Why on earth would the other girls voluntarily move their sleepover to your house when they already have a plan?

She might get up to no good but she might also be keen to make new friends

monkeytoad35 · 07/04/2017 20:41

I think you are being very reasonable to your daughter OP with the two offers you have given her. I absolutely think you are doing the right thing by not allowing her to go for the whole night, given her friend's Mum isn't even going to be there.

wifeyhun · 07/04/2017 20:49

YANBU no way would I let my 15 year old dd do this.

SirVixofVixHall · 07/04/2017 20:55

Absolutely not. No way would I allow this, esp given the fact that neither you nor your daughter know these girls well. It does sound as though something else is planned or why the refusal to stay until 11, or have them at yours? I think she badly wants to fit it, which is totally understandable, but as you say, you have to look after her. I was a responsible 15 year old, I didn't drink, I didn't have a boyfriend, but I was in some scary situations in my mid to late teens at unplanned parties etc. Things can get really overwhelming when there is drink, and when older boys or young men turn up. 15 is really young. You are being very fair OP, I think you are quite right.

Dannythechampion · 07/04/2017 20:56

So here's a side question, AIBU to have said no to DD1 17 go on holiday alone with her boyfriend?

That's what one of my arguments tonight was about.