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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let 15 year old daughter go to an unsupervised sleepover?

160 replies

krustykittens · 07/04/2017 18:26

We have just moved to a new area and DD is trying to make friends. Our house is a mess at the moment due to building work so it is hard to have people over at the moment. She was very excited to be going to a sleepover on Saturday night with three other friends, but she has just told me that there are going to be NO adults supervising them ALL NIGHT! Apparently the girl's mum has decided to go out all night and she is a single parent so no other adult will be there. She is very upset as she knows I won't let her go and I am glad she has told me. But should I let her go? We have not been here long and I don't know these girls at all, have never met them and there families. What they COULD get up to is a list as long as my arm but whether or not they WOULD is something I don't know. I can't have them around here as we don't even have a kitchen at the moment! I know I can be very strict but this worries me.

OP posts:
INeedNewShoes · 07/04/2017 19:13

I went to an unsupervised sleepover at 13 or 14. It was horrible and I wished I hadn't gone.

Having said that, it involved more people, including older boys (though I'm sure I wouldn't have known this was going to be the case) and the next morning the plan was to go out shoplifting. I have never in my life felt so out of my depth as I did that weekend (I was a very naive youngster!).

AdoraBell · 07/04/2017 19:14

Nope. Wouldn't happen with my teens.

I would invite them over, if the house is safe with the building works. Let other parents there is mess due to just moving etc, if they are okay with that then let the teens have the sleepover.

But I'm rather laid back practically horizontal re mess.

Youdosomething · 07/04/2017 19:17

You said 'mum' sounded very young when you talked to her on the phone. Was it even mum? Could it be that you have spoken to one of the girls pretending to be mum? My suspicious mind (and devious teenage years kicking in!) They could be up to anything!

Reow · 07/04/2017 19:18

Krusty I would probably feel exactly the same as you, but I think you may struggle to keep her away from boys and drinking.

At least at a house they're not on the streets and they're relatively safe. I'd allow it but say I will be expecting an 11pm and 1am text for a check in, and if she doesn't answer mummy will be showing her face and joining in Smile

childoverdraft · 07/04/2017 19:20

I understand your dilemma. My DS wanted to do similar when he was a bit younger than your DD. I asked to speak to parents and got given a wrong number.

Around here most people have lived here a while so know the kids and parents concerned. I don't which is why I wasn't happy about it.

I picked him up at 11 and he made up some story about having to get up early in morning. Could your DD do the same?

Trifleorbust · 07/04/2017 19:21

No way. I know what I was doing at 15 and it's happening over my dead body Grin

Garnethair · 07/04/2017 19:24

No.

IHaveBrilloHair · 07/04/2017 19:24

No way, I wouldn't.
You could have them over though, you don't need a kitchen, just a pizza takeaway and a six pack of fizzy juice with the WiFi password.

Original poster
krustykittens · 07/04/2017 19:25

Well, I have just told her she can go until midnight but that's not good enough and she might as well not go, tear, door slamming, the lot. So I said invite them over - no answer. I can't be arsed with this, she's not going. Youdosomething I am VERY suspicious about that phone call earlier but apparently, Mum is very young and I met her breifly at parent's evening (I have no memory of this and would pass the woman in the street without recognising her). Babycham I realise I have to let go at sometime but at 15 she is still a minor and I am still responsible for her.

OP posts:
maggiethemagpie · 07/04/2017 19:25

I agree that the 'mum' you spoke to on the phone may not be mum. I remember my dad wanting to speak to my friend's father before I could stay over... we were actually staying with her older boyfriend who had his own pad, he pretended to be the dad and we got away with it!

I will be soooo suspicious of my kids when they are teenagers. Takes one to know one and all that.

RedHelenB · 07/04/2017 19:26

I'd let her go -she s been truthful and you can always go and pick her up if there is any bother. I trusted my dds at that age.

Original poster
krustykittens · 07/04/2017 19:29

RedHelen My concern is that the people she would be with are complete strangers to us. We have only been here four weeks, in a totally new area. We don;t know these people at all and neither does she.

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 07/04/2017 19:30

Why dont you let her go but have an agreement where she can send you a word by text and then you phone 5 mins later saying something has come up and youre coming and collecting her. That way she can go but if things get uncomfortable she has a way to get out of the situation without losing face with her friends.

Friend shared it on facebook and i quite liked jt. The idea was that the teen never has to disclose why they used the code byt can if they want. The purpose is to give the teenager an 'out' if they need it and it keeps them safe.

Dannythechampion · 07/04/2017 19:32

Unsupervised sleepover at 15?

There will be boys and drinking, for sure.

I have 3 teenage girls, and I am VERY aware that they don't tell me everything, but I do hear stories and no way.

My 15 year old has had tantrums over it too, no mixed sleepovers and none where there are no parents.

blubberingmess · 07/04/2017 19:33

*Wando1986
*
Clubbing I understand, but mortgage applications at 15? How on earth did you gather thousands of pounds for a deposit by 18? And more importantly what mortgage company actually lent to you??Hmm

Op it all depends on how mature your daughter is.

MagnumAddict · 07/04/2017 19:34

I'm not saying an empty house overnight is comparable to babysitting it's just a measure of how responsible (or not) a 15 year old can be.

Is she generally trustworthy? The fact that she told you about the empty house suggests she is? Perhaps she expected you to have a bit more trust in her that if she was like uncomfortable or out of her depth she would call you?

At almost 34 it's been a while since I was 15 but when I look back at myself at that age I was pretty responsible and honest.

Will she continue to be so honest in the future I wonder?

By the way I'm not necessarily saying I think you are wrong, I'm looking at it from my perspective at that age. Ask me again in 14 years when my child asks me to go to an unsupervised sleepover.....

justanotheryoungmother · 07/04/2017 19:34

I went to unsupervised sleepovers at about the age of 12/13, so I guess it depends. We were in a flat but could get out if needed to. My mum wouldn't personally have left us, but did let me go when friend's parents weren't going to be home until the early hours of the morning. Nothing bad ever happened to us, we knew not to do anything ridiculous like cook and leave the oven etc so we never had any problems. In hindsight, I wouldn't let my DD when she is 13 go to an unsupervised sleepover, but when she will be 15 I think I'd let her go (unless there was a reason not to) Each to their own though w

justanotheryoungmother · 07/04/2017 19:35

Smile*

MagnumAddict · 07/04/2017 19:36

I don't know where the 'like' came from before uncomfortable

I promise I am not a 15 year old who says like!

MissMogwi · 07/04/2017 19:36

You're doing the right thing. I really empathise with you as I have had similar with my own 15 yo DD.

Apparently "everyones mum lets them do this and that, go anywhere, sleep anywhere. I can even text their mums and check. But no one else's mum would do that" unluckily for her I'm not anyone's else's mum and I don't give a damn.

To be fair though my daughter has taken the piss and behaved very badly more than once so I now have my bullshit radar set high and she has to work to get my trust back.

Stay strong OP.

Dannythechampion · 07/04/2017 19:38

Mrs Everyoneesles's mum has a lot to answer for.

Original poster
krustykittens · 07/04/2017 19:48

Just to be clear, I have no problem at all with the host's mum going out for the evening but I don't feel comfortable bout the fact that she plans to be out ALL NIGHT and not even come home with the milk! If she was out for an evening but expected back at some point in the night, I wouldn't have a problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
krustykittens · 07/04/2017 19:50

As to wether she is mature and honest - she can be. Then she can make decisions that are so breathtakingly stupid I wonder how she managed to get to the age of 15 at all. As I previously said, she does cave to peer pressure and is eager to please, especially being the new girl. I have offered to pick her up at midnight, I have offered to have them here, that's about as much compromising as I am willing to do.

OP posts:
Dannythechampion · 07/04/2017 19:53

I think you've offered enough.

And SOOO agreed on 15 year old's being responsible and mature one minute and then daft the next.

She can talk brexit and politics to a really deep level of understanding, and then the next minute be cartwheeling in the corridor knocking stuff over.

MrsDoylesTeabags · 07/04/2017 19:59

No chance. I've got a 17yo who tells me (some of) what goes on at these unsupervised sleepovers, also the amount of parties he's been invited to by a friend of a friend.
Aslo I used to be 15 too. What I mean is the girl who's having the sleepover may intend it to be films and popcorn and painting nails but it only takes a couple of gatecrashers for it to turn into something else.
Tell her you'll pick her up at a time that suits you, she will forgive you.