To think life's pleasure dwindles as you get older?

[Melaniaspilatesinstructor]

Once you're 30 and you start realising that the people you love are going to get ill and die, the food you eat and have been given depends on animal cruelty to exist.
People you love, hurt each other or want to say negative things about each other to you.
It's so hard to stay afloat financially and so easy to get into debt.
Clothes we wear are usually due to someone in the world being exploited, also iPhones.

So we give up meat, dairy, gossip (and allowing people to gossip to us) give up spending money we don't have (which means no holidays, family visiting, outings)

Even having babies (which is beautiful and sweet and wonderful) is scary because they depend so entirely on us being functional and we constantly worry about them.

We give up sugar to lower our cancer risk knowing that lots of people get it anyway.
When I see elderly people struggling with loneliness it makes me feel so sad especially my own grandmother who has lost my mother and her husband, now her sight and her mobility to an extent.
It's like life puts things into perspective and all that's important is loving others but all the while knowing you might lose them at any time and giving up comforts that got you through.

Life's just less enjoyable with all this ^^^ in mind.

AIBU? Or have some of you managed to hold all this and still feel happy?

I agree with you op that as you become older, the precariousness of life becomes more apparent and that is very scary indeed. And life can seem like one long set of bleak tasks sometimes.

Tbh though, and I say this in the kindest way possible, speaking as someone who has lost both parents who both needed a lot of care, I think life is very VERY hard indeed when you are elderly and infirm and you are forced to be dependent on others.

I think we sometimes take the health and strength we have in our 30s and 40s for granted.

So I guess I am saying, yes there are sides of life that are very bleak and hard so I get where you are coming from. But while we have our strength, maybe we need to count our blessings, stay away from 24hr news, do things to help others, do something creative, appreciate the food and the things we do have,
appreciate things like advances in science and medicine etc.

(Sorry - difficult to say that without sounding preachy - haven't expressed it very well.)

There is the novelty aspect of everything that dwindles as you get older.

You have probably done and an experienced 80% of things you wanted to do by the time you hit mid life these days.

There are always new things to explore and experience, but that new, for the first time, feeling is experienced less and less often.

I think it can hit you in your 30s that you and everyone you know can and will be superseded. It can be a jolt to realise that your next big birthday is 40, especially if you wake up from a couple of years of baby haze in your mid 30s and find that you look like Rip van Winkle in your previously fashionable clothes, hair and makeup.

By 50 you don't care any more that you are just one blink of an eye in the bigger scheme of things. Your children are grown or almost grown and you know they are the generation now making their mark. You find peace - it's not resignation - just a sense that you will do your bit to further whatever cause you believe in, and you also have the confidence to just do it regardless of the opinion of anyone else.
You may well find yourself living the 'Serenity Prayer':
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

The things that give you joy are still there. It's up to you to appreciate them.

I am always grateful to see each new day. I had a sister who never saw a grey hair or a stretch mark or middle aged spread.

I have anxiety, depression and complex PTSD.

I lost both parents very young (murder/suicide), I was brought up by parents who clearly favoured their natural child, I have been raped, been a victim of DV and have been made homeless.

I am 48. I truly am happy with my life. I have two healthy children. I have a partner who loves me. I have four cats who make me laugh every single day. I love nothing more than sitting in the garden watching the fish in the pond, watching the tadpoles grow, newt spotting and generally seeing the garden coming to life after winter. I have wonderful friends who have supported me through hell over the years, I live in a beautiful part of the country and while we aren't very well off financially, life could be much worse. I nearly lost my dp through an accident three years ago and it taught me that life is precarious and we should appreciate every minute of every day with those who are most precious to us.

I've just turned 50 and think life gets better and better as you age.

Yes, the world can be a shitty place. There will always be bad things happening and we're all going to die from something. To me, that's even more reason to find joy in the small things. Sing in the shower, dance around the kitchen, smile because the daffodils are out.

I'm 36 and I would say life gets better. Time speeds up, admittedly but you slow down. The fog of parenting small DCs is lifting for me and I'm rediscovering who I am.....cliche I know but it's true.

Thanks all. I do appreciate the small things, live in the moment and care less about triviality. I suppose I just miss being unaware of all this. The type of happiness I have now comes from discipline, delayed gratification and being grateful 'because things only get worse' I liked the almost ignorance of my youth where I was just happy without a sense of fear/ forced gratitude.
Thanks for sharing your perspectives though.

Well, if you got to 30 without realising about the death and cruelty you're doing well: most people work through that phase at 13. By 30 I was concentrating on doing my best in my own little patch of life, which is a far more enjoyable feeling.

I am now over 50, which means I have known a fair bit of loss and pain. Dh's parents have both died and we have grieved over them. My own parents are still alive but of course we know their time is limited. I have had a couple of possible brushes with death myself. I have lived through the fear of losing a child to suicide. I live every day with an adult child who fights physical and MH issues and still keeps going. I have gone through the menopause and I have (perhaps somewhat prematurely) reached the stage where some part of my body hurts most of the time. It doesn't make life less enjoyable at all: the very realism of middle age, I find, is what makes life interesting.

I have come to see that the old wisdom is right: in one sense, life is a valley of tears and that what matters is how you bear yourself, not how many comforts are given to you. It is quite a liberating feeling. I no longer feel like a teenager at a party, haunted by the thought of being a failure if they are not seen to be having a "good time" every single moment. This isn't a party. It's a job. And like all jobs, there is satisfaction in trying your best. And there are small pleasures on the way, like a cup of coffee half-way through the morning or the sun shining in through the window.

cross-posted

re the state of the world: I am reminded of a conversation I had with my ds when he was a pre-teen and very moody; he basically told me there was no point in our trying to help charities or stand up for our political beliefs because "you're not Nelson Mandela"

the answer of course was "no, but I am one of the many millions of people Nelson Mandela depended on to keep boycotting South African products and give airing to his campaign- that was what the world needed at the time, not another Nelson Mandela"

The world needs a few massively important thinkers and changers, but it needs more small people who are happy to do their little bit: being kind to their neighbours, giving up their seat to the elderly lady on the bus, helping their colleagues, giving a few pounds to a campaign, pulling others up on racist or disablist behaviour.

cory thank you, I admire that way of living that you've described. Perhaps life has been charmed up until now. I suppose I'm more outward looking into the world I've brought my daughter into and wish to take some responsibility for making it a little better.
I had a very tough time growing up, a mother who left when I was small due to mental health problems, an abusive step mother who later became a heroine addict and ran off with a man half her age whilst my dad was in hospital having almost died of a heart attack etc, so I have never classes myself as spoilt. Maybe concentrating just in survival though and not appreciating the bigger picture.
Sorry that you've had so much to deal with but I'm sure you inspire those around you with how you navigate it all. I know my grandmother inspires me. :)

I'm the opposite. I'm in my thirties too and have always been politically active, always volunteered for charities etc. I'm definitely becoming more aware of the horrendous state the world generally is in, but am doing as much as I can in my own small way and it just makes me more aware of how lucky I am, which makes me thankful (and happy).

I also feel more comfortable in myself as I've got older: able to stand up for myself, less concerned about other people's sh*t, working more at and understanding the value of close personal relationships.

I have found that, as I get older, I am less accepting of the bad stuff. I won't have people in my life who bring nothing but negativity, and I have the confidence now to do what is best for me without particularly caring what the outside world thinks.

I have a lot of sorrows in my life, as we all do, but overall I think I'm happier now than I've ever been, I'm certainly more stable.

If you're not happy with the way things are for you OP could you come up with some small changes that you think might improve your outlook?

OP, your last post puts everything into perspective. It sounds to me like you are still dealing with the backlash of what must have a very difficult childhood. So where other people would have had the time for generalised angst and Weltschmerz, you were basically struggling for survival. In that case, it's not surprising that you have to work things through in a different order. Can totally understand that.

One thing though, I wouldn't worry too much about your daughter. She will not have your life: no doubt, she will have her own trials but it won't be the same.

I used to feel horrible about this. It seemed to me I had had such a carefree childhood: running free over the rocks and in the woods, and there was my little girl, in pain pretty well every day and often unable to walk: she couldn't have any of the things that had mattered so much to me. As she has grown older and developed more of a personality, I have come to realise that in a sense it doesn't matter. She wouldn't have my life anyway: she has her own life and it is interesting and worthwhile to her. She can't have what I had, but she has other sources of pleasure I didn't have and perhaps would never have thought of. She isn't me.

Everyone is essentially discussing with each other their own personal levels of brain chemicals and hormones amongst things which they are lucky (or unlucky) to possess (no you can't always change imbalances by positive thinking alone) and so please to the very very few posters let's have no derogatory comments such as 'wallowing with you in your misery'. It is both ignorant and uncalled for.

Op I see where you are coming from. Our brains do change as we age (from the very start) and it is not that uncommon to lose that excitement, that carefree feeling and invincible attitude toward life. Plus as a pp said there's a lot less first time experiences for many. For some these feelings can spiral out of control and it does take more mental effort to suppress negative views, and for others that is just not enough and the body needs some actual healing before you can think more positively and focus on the joys. I still have anxiety, particularly regarding death - I lost my dad at 16 and feared for my family ever after, but the thoughts did not torture me the way they can do now when I realise death is close. In the same vein I had a very very difficult childhood and youth, yet my brain had the ability to cope with these things much better then than it does now. Everything was functioning at a more optimal level for me back then. I had better defenses against the horrors of life and a healthier thought process. Nowadays life is still tough but my health has declined so much that I have to keep a strict regime with my diet and supplementation/hormones or I can easily slip back into this pessimistic way of thinking and probably a deep depression. It's not ideal and I would love to have my old brain back. Dh and I sometimes joke about having a transplant with him as he is just so wonderfully the opposite of me. In fact he is so laid back that he needs me to remind him of the things that we do actually need to worry about.

Sometimes we just need a reminder of the joys, other times it's more serious and help is needed to change how we think and feel. I think you might feel like the former op? There's certainly no shame in either.

By the way is very heartening for me to read the experiences of older posters who are happy and still view the world in such a positive light. They have made for lovely and inspiring reading.

Sorry, could not disagree more. I'm just 50. The mortgage is paid, the house is mine, and I'm in a position to be able to take a year off work next year to return to university to do my Masters.

I'm six stones lighter than I was in my 30s and 40s. And I seem to attract more gorgeous young men than I ever could when I was younger

Life rocks. Just my perspective, though.

It's not true! Research has shown in general we get happier as we get older - just don't get stuck doing all the childcare for your grandchildren when you retire!!

https://lifespan.stanford.edu/sites/default/files/ladailyy_1.5.15.pdf

You sound depressed to me op.

Studies have found that life happiness peaks at 23 then peaks again at 78, so who knows what your individual life will hold?

You might not get cancer, you can choose ethnically sourced goods?

Hi OP, I'm 31 and am completely on your wavelength. This last year or so I've realised that I have lived quite a sheltered and naive life. I have always been a happy person and am still a happy person, I guess my views of the world have just become a little more tarnished with the realisation of how it really works.

As other posters have said, invest yourself in a good cause, continue to cherish the little things in life, work on your relationships and never spend your time on someone who isn't willing to spend their time on you!

I know exactly what you mean.

I'm 30 and am happier in myself than I've ever been before. I think it comes with greater self-belief and confidence.

BUT I'm far more conscious of and affected by things outside my life now - I'm very worried about overpopulation, global warming, destruction of the world's wildlife, and the global political climate. I'm worried about the UK's schools and the NHS and Brexit and debt levels.

These are things I simply wouldn't have given a shit about aged 21 - because I'd have been too busy stressing about whether my thighs looked fat.

Nope.

I appreciate my family more, because I know I have less time with them.

I seem to have developed better culinary taste and an appreciation of degustation - so I get more enjoyment out of food and alcohol.

I am more comfortable in my body because I've finally realised it's what I have so WTF!

I've seen so many political things come and go like the ebb and flow of the tides and we always seem to carry on.

I'm not so stressed about climbing the career ladder so I take my time enjoying the simple pleasures and trying to get a better work life balance.

I'm at an age where I'm confident to say no to things I don't enjoy, and that are a waste of my time.

Because of some of the above I've found my sexual confidence and I have a killer time in the sack with mostly multiple orgasms.

I think, OP, that these thoughts are completely normal when you bring a child into the world. I was heavily PG at 9/11 and it instilled fear for the world I was bringing a child into in my soul. The world was a rotten place. It still is, it's all still there.

But, 30 is just the start. You stop sweating the small stuff, suddenly shit matters. You let go of that self-indulgent person and notice what's important. The centre of our world changes and it's not us anymore. We can focus on what we can control and what we are responsible for. We can make small changes and that's our contribution. In our 20s we might have thought we can change the world. In our 30s we realise we can only change that little bit we inhabit. It still counts.

I'm nearly 50 now and white bed sheets on the line on a sunny day make me smile. It takes a lot less to make my heart jump, but I smile more. I think it gets better because it gets more simple.

I am always grateful to see each new day. I had a sister who never saw a grey hair or a stretch mark or middle aged spread.
math
I had a brother who died. I've outlived him by over 20 years. Every new day is a bonus.
OP you are expecting life to be perfect. How can it be. We are fallible and mortal.

So we give up meat, dairy, gossip (and allowing people to gossip to us) And sugar too??
Who is "we"?!
I don't really recognise HeartsTrumps description of the carefree 20's either. Nobody was poor? I was at times, and homeless, twice.
My life was chaos, and so was a lot of people's I knew.
Now I'm older, and reasonably secure for the first time in years, I'm grabbing everything I can while I can. I'm gonna rip into my rare bloody steak , wash it down with a fine red and a good gossip, and follow it with a nice creme brulee.

I get frustrated with injustice, and now I have the ability to pitch in and do my bit where I can, but I'm not under any illusion that quitting booze and sugar and taking up yoga will make me live forever, or ward off illness and grief.
You get what you get, sometimes appreciating sensual pleasures is the most human thing you can do.